Express your bad feelings

Expressing all our bad feelings is the way to becoming a whole person.  The longer one lives denying any feeling at all; the longer one says, ‘No, I’m all right, I’ll be all right’, when clearly one is not all right, the harder it is to come back to living true to yourself.  We’ve been taught and we live in a feeling-denying societies believing in feeling-denying religions, all to the detriment of ourselves, all causing us to slowly kill ourselves through the lack of true self-love.  True self-love being the act of accepting and expressing every feeling, not just the good ones whilst suppressing the bad.

This is how it works

This is how we’ve taken on our negative unloving self and feeling denying states of being.

If as a child all that happened to us was we were hit on our hand by a hammer, experiencing nothing else, then one day we’d want to take over from our parents and start hitting ourselves on our hand. We’d grow up knowing nothing else, that it wasn’t wrong, even though it hurt, because our parents, so we believe and who we want to be like, were showing us it was right – this is our life. And as we grow and want to have our own power, so eventually we’d take over from them believing we were now living life as an adult as we’re supposed to, hitting our hand with our full power. With all the pain being buried deep within us, with our constant dismissing of our bad feelings using our mind.

And that then applies to everything we do in life and why we do it. Everything can be traced back to doing it with our will having taken over from their will doing it to us. All because we no longer wanted to feel subservient to them.

And because they didn’t treat us lovingly, we don’t treat ourselves lovingly. And because they wouldn’t allow us to fully express all our feelings, so we don’t allow ourselves to, denying so many of our bad feelings. And because they made us so scared of so many things, then we make sure we have things in our life making us scared. And because they interfered with us, so we have things in our life that interfere with us. We have to, it’s our pattern – our negative self-denying pattern we formed through our early childhood.

And we might not outwardly appear to be hammering ourself on our hand, but inwardly much of what we do to ourselves will be having the same affect on us. And if we could go back, take it all back to our beginning, gradually we’d stop doing all the things we are now doing as adults – doing to ourselves inwardly and unconsciously – making us feeling like we’re hammering ourselves, slowly replacing them with a real hammer.

And this is what happens through your feeling-healing, this is how we uncover the truth of what is really going on within us. All so it becomes a literal experience, all so we can go back as adults and literally see what they – our ‘loving’ parents – did to us. To see they are hammering us making us feel bad.

This is what any good therapy will seek to help you see about yourself, if you allow it to. If you want to see the truth.

My parents wanted me to make them feel better

They used me to make themselves feed good. I had to do what they said, I had to behave, I had to do as I was told, all so they could have life as they wanted it to be.

My parents said we come first, we are the important ones, you are not. You have to be how we want you to be. My parents said you have to please us before you please yourself.

My parents said, this is our home, this is our world, you have to fit in with it. We are not fitting in with you. You don’t matter, only we do.

My parents didn’t put themselves in my place and consider how I might be feeling – how they might have been making me feel.

And when I complained they said, too bad, whilst you’re with us it’s how we want it to be, when you leave us then you can have it how you want it to be.

My life was for them, it wasn’t for me.

My parents didn’t give wholly themselves to me to make me feel good, to give me a good life. My parents didn’t say you come first, you are the most important, we’ve had our lives, you are just beginning yours, so we’ll do all you need us to do for you. My parents didn’t do all they could so I felt pleased and happy and loved by them. My parents didn’t make me feel the whole world was there for me.

My parents made me feel rejected and unwanted, that I was a bother and a nuisance – an inconvenience, something they would have rather not have had.

My parents used me to gain power.  They said we are the all-powerful ones, you are not. And so they fucked up my life and my ability to use my own power to give myself a good life. They took all my power and prevented me from having it, so I am now powerless.

My parents made me sacrifice myself for them. My parents told me they loved me.

What Jesus didn’t say…

Or perhaps he did, but we didn’t record it because it was just too close to the bone, was that the real evil monster is our parents.

Sure on a spiritual and personality level, the Rebellion and Default against all that was good, true and perfect – ourselves – was brought about and then inflicted on us by higher unseen spirits, however that was long ago. And as Jesus said, he came to stop such spirits evil influence over us, which he did.

So then for two thousand years we’ve persisted in fantasising about some strange malevolent influence that’s seeking our souls destruction, but it’s all fantasy. What truly has happened is we’ve taken on this negative spiritual influence and made it what we call normal life. And how we live in our rebellious feeling-denial state brought about by what caused our childhood repression is the end result. And how we pass it onto our children is by default. And generation after generation we live on believing we are parenting our children lovingly, when in fact all we are doing is subjecting and indoctrinating them to the same negative evil self-denying condition we were subjected to. And we call this normal life. We fail to see that it’s abnormal because we don’t have anything to put it up against. So we just try to get on and ‘make the most of it’.

So we’ve built up huge religions all in the name of perpetuating the evil. The religions and all involved within it are Satan’s good little helpers without even knowing it. We are all Satan’s good little helpers without even knowing it.

And these so-called great religions, great because they are doing such a terrific job at maintaining the control of evil, of the negative, over us and within us, do all these wonderful things for their faithful followers. They help them to keep living in a feeling- and self-deluded way. All under the guise of ‘saving ones soul’, when the truth of how to really save your soul is to face the truth of what your parents did to you, how they treated you to bring about your childhood repression.

And you can only do this by stopping the denial of all those bad feelings you don’t want to feel. Which really means by giving up, giving in, allowing the dreaded ‘devil’ – your parents – to get you. (Which is after all what has already happened.) That is to allow yourself to feel all they have made you feel, to speak about it all and to uncover the truth within you as to why they did it and how it’s affected you. To heal your negative condition.

Deluding yourself with meditation?

So you sit on your bum and meditate. For moments, minutes, hours – even days, do you meditate. And for what purpose? Enlightenment? Transcendence? Higher knowledge? Wisdom, peace, bliss? Clarity of mind, stress release, relaxation and enjoyment? Or, just to escape?

And do you look at a blank dark screen in your mind, or do you allow pictures to flow, perhaps ‘inner’ voices speak to you and you to them; or is it that you just go in and in and down or up or wherever it is you go as you move into your altered state of mind? Or is it that you say that special and secret word, make a ‘vibration’, contemplate the meaning of…

And what really are you doing it all for?

And the answer is: to make yourself feel better.

And why do you want to make yourself feel better?

Because you feel bad.

And what is it about feeling bad that you don’t like? It’s feeling BAD.

So what you are really doing is doing all you can to stop yourself from feeling bad – right?

However you are not dealing with the deep underlying problems that are making you feel bad in the first place, all the yuk from your childhood repression. Because if you were, then there’d be no way you could sit on your bum in a mind altered state. Your bad feelings would be intruding too heavily pushing you to accept, express and seek the truth of the them.

And it’s this intrusion, the intrusion on your life by feeling bad that you hate and want to get rid of. Which really is the intrusion into your life from your parents, as they are whom made you feel bad in the first place causing your childhood repression and all you want to run away from.

So really you’re out there or ‘in there’ doing all you can to block out and escape from the intrusion of your parents. And so there we have it. Do you see – it’s the Great Truth! And it’s that you are doing your mediation (or prayers), you are involved in your spiritual (or religious) practice, solely to avoid your parents, all because they and their unloving and negative influences are still very much ‘alive’ and affecting you. Because if they weren’t you’d have no repressed childhood yuk within you and you wouldn’t be feeling bad.

And so you wouldn’t need to do what you’re doing trying to feel good. Your spiritual or religious practices would be for you to seriously grow in truth, helping you uncover the truth of yourself through your feelings, and not using them to run away from your bad feelings as fast are your meditation or prayer will take you. So your spiritual or religious system wouldn’t exist as it is. And so I’m afraid to say, all that you are doing is just fantasy, helping you to further your self-indulgent negative mind and will state.

Childhood repression, religion and spirituality

All of the existing religions from East to West and spiritual systems New and Old Age based on prayer or meditation have been formed and evolved within our negative mind and will state, even if they have come into being from so-called divine revelation. So if you are involved in them, all they will help you achieve is still only within your feeling- and self-denying state. It can’t be otherwise.

And if you look at them closely you can see how all they do is help you feel better, however to feel better at the expense of your bad feelings. They all help you to further deny your bad feelings. They help you to further suppress and keep repressed all your pain and suffering, all that you experienced from your early childhood and so are still experiencing. And there’s no getting away from it.

No spiritual or religious system of the negative will help you free yourself of all evil, sin and error – it can’t. It’s of the negative, it’s not outside of and separate from it, and neither are you. And no amount of prayer or meditation, no matter what you are led to believe or want to believe, will heal you. And all that you will call ‘healing’ and feeling better about yourself and your life will be yet more self-delusion.

The worlds spiritual and religious systems are some of our most deluded systems of belief, all because they purport to enable you to become separate from all that is bad, wrong and evil. By joining them and doing as they say, you are then good, true and right, and all those who refuse to join and adhere to the ‘holy doctrine’ are evil, wrong and bad. But this is only something to give power to powerless feeling minds, as it’s all delusion. And how can it be anything other than mere fantasy when it’s all still only taking place within the negative, within all that is wrong, false and untrue!

If there were a spiritual or religious system that could truly help you it would focus on helping you to understand the state of your negative mind and will entrapment, and it would help you to heal your childhood repression through bad feeling acceptance, rather than helping you perpetuate bad feeling avoidance and denial.

The only true way to free and liberate your spirit, and to live true to yourself, nature and God, is to do your feeling- or soul-healing through the ongoing willing self-acceptance of your bad feelings – all those you are persisting in denying – together with the expression of all the bad feelings you are feeling as you long for and find the truth of them. And were you to follow this practice of self-help, self-love and self-acceptance, then it will lead you out of your negative mind and will condition and into a positive one.

And does such a spiritual or religious system exist?

Of course it does, as there has to be a way out of our negative state as there was a way into it.

And one such newly revealed spiritual and religious system is Divine Love Spirituality.

You’ve got to be a parent!

Why?

You’ve got to have kids.

Why?

Your life will feel incomplete if you don’t have kids.

Why?

You don’t know what you’re missing out on.

Really?

Everyone has children, it’s what you do.

Apparently.

It’s the great love, the love you get from your children and the love you give to them – that’s what it’s all about.

Is it?

But if you don’t have children you won’t feel fulfilled, you won’t have any purpose in life.

Oh well.

You can’t not have children – everyone does it.

So it would seem.

And if you don’t have children everything would end.

Great!

There’s something wrong with you if you don’t have children.

Hmm.

Why aren’t you having children!?

Because I want no part of the fantasy, that called – BEING A LOVING PARENT.

Evil – the denial of personality

We live in a negative self-denying state of mind and will, and consequently we are evil. We can blame each other for being evil: ‘he’s evil, look at all the evil things he does, whereas I am not, I am good, look at all the good, kind and loving things I do’, and yet it’s still all within the negative, all within evil.

We live on a world that exists in rebellion against all that is good and loving, all that is right and true – all that is perfect. We only need look at our relationship with nature to see this. We see the other creatures that share our world as things to use and abuse to make us feel good – to give us feelings of power. We denigrate our environment not because we love it so much, but because we feel so denuded of love ourselves. And something that is true, pure and perfect we can’t allow to exist just as our parents didn’t allow us to exist in our true and perfect states when we were coming into being. Nature must come down to our level and be as we are, as that is all we know.

When we look at how many bad feelings we fail to allow ourselves to feel – feelings that are us, feelings that want and should be expressed – we can only conclude that something is very wrong. And it is. We exist in rebellion against our own nature, we use and abuse ourselves trying to maintain the corruption that exists within us. We only abuse nature because we abuse our own nature, because our parents abused us – it’s what we’ve learnt to sadly believe is the right way to be. We don’t seek to be kind and caring to ourselves by stopping our feeling- and self-denial, we do the very opposite. And in doing so we are stopping ourselves from freely and fully expressing all we are – our personality.

God is Personality. We don’t really understand this, nor understand it’s significance. We can accept and willingly say, God is love, but that allows us to keep the Personality of God somewhat removed from ourselves. Were we to accept that God is Personality, then we’d come to understand that personality is very important. And we’d begin to see that all of Creation is God expressing Their Personality. The Mother and Father have a feeling and they express it. We – humanity – are a result of one such ‘feeling’. God doesn’t hold back in Their expression of personality, allowing both the perfect and imperfect to exist side by side, so why do we?

To understand the problems of humanity – and indeed we all know we do have many – one needs to understand that expression of personality is above all else, for without it there is no love. If there is no personality how can you experience love? Sure love may still exist, but without full personality expression you’ll never know about it.

So we need to attend to our personality understanding how we are denying its full expression – our personality being the sum total of ALL our attributes that define us as the individual we are, including all our thoughts, feelings, emotions, dreams, aspirations, desires together with all our physical, spiritual and behavioural characteristics. We need to look to God as Personality so we can look our own personality. And it doesn’t take much to see that we are living anti-personality, anti what we’ve been created to be.

We are meant to be the shining glory of our personality, not shrivelled up, disease ridden, poor pathetic creatures addicted to all sorts of things that are harmful to us and help to keep our self and personality denial in place.

Look at how addicted you are to your wrong childhood beliefs and behaviours, all of which are driving and maintaining your self-destructive rebellious negative state of being. Look at what your parents did to you and what you are still doing to yourself – look at what you are doing to your own children. Your parents didn’t want to know you as you wanted them to, they didn’t allow you to fully and freely come into being. They told you how they wanted you to be applying many conditions, and you had no option but to comply.

Your parents treated you evilly, and so now you evilly treat yourself, along with evilly treating everyone and everything else you have anything to do with. And by denying yet one small part of your personality, by not freely and fully expressing it – ALL Of YOURSELF, you are not being true, perfect and so are untrue, imperfect – evil. And as none of us want to see and accept this about ourselves, we all put on a false face, false smile, and pretend we are happy and all-loving. All whilst we set about doing to our children all the wrong that was done to us.

Humanity can’t go on denying itself its full personality expression unless it just wants to exist in ever increasing amounts of pain and suffering. Has the world with modernisation – ‘the answer to everything’ – actually decreased its pain and suffering? I don’t think so. And so we will only continue to feel worse and have to do more extreme things to ourselves hiding these bad feelings as we ‘progress’. And one day we’ll start to wake up and wise up to the fact that our type of progress is only progressing deeper into our unloving negative states. That it’s all an illusion that it’s making us feel happier, healthier and more loving. That it’s all only taking us further away from our true selves, deeper into our self- and feeling denial, deeper into personality suppression. Deeper into our evil state of anti love and anti all that is good, true and beautiful.

Yelling at your child – again!

Your child makes you angry – again! The anger rushes up in you. It’s a wild force, too strong, too overwhelming to be controlled. It surges up in you and what can you do with it other than deliver it like a full punch to your child – to the offending person. In your rage and fury you want to kill it, not just stop it, but blast it off the face of the earth, wipe it out, get rid of it completely. It’s no longer your sweet little child whom you ‘love’ so much, it’s all your fear being slammed in your face and your anger rushes up trying to protect yourself from the evil monster that is threatening your life. So you bash into your child. It may only be verbally, it may also be physically, but you want to smash it down, crunch it, quickly bringing it back under your control.

For deeply buried reasons that you are not aware of your child has pushed all your warning buttons, you react ‘not being yourself’ as your power is being threatened. You don’t want to loose your power because to feel so powerless means you feel all those terrible bad feelings you dread, all those shocking feelings you felt when your parents did exactly what you are now doing to your child, all of which you have forced yourself to forget, bury and deny.

So your little child has become you and you are now back with your parent who is yelling and abusing you, repeating the same unloving pattern – yet again. And you are helplessly trapped in it. You have crossed the line, left yourself, denying your own bad feelings, all to stop the other person from making you feel bad. You want to stop them making you feel bad by crunching them because you don’t know what else to do – and how can you as there never was another way, your parents only ever treated you this way, just as they themselves were only ever treated by their parents.

But in crossing the line, not only are you hurting your own precious little child, you are also hurting your own precious self. You are blatantly disregarding your feelings – your bad feelings, all the fear that is giving rise to your anger. You are disregarding yourself just as you are disregarding your own child. In the blaze of anger no ones feelings can be regarded, all goes to shit, all needing to be destroyed.

There is no staying on your side of the fence and accepting and speaking about all the bad feelings your child is making your feel. Allowing yourself to be sympathetic to yourself, to all you are feeling, even including your anger. You are dismissing and denying yourself with the only result being to abuse your child. You are a child-abuser and in that very moment the worst kind because your child is going to develop those very same patterns of self- and feeling-denial that you have developed from your own parents. You are killing them, only not so much physically, but you are preventing them from freely expressing their emerging personality – so your anger is doing what you want with it, you are getting your way, yet in ways you are not readily aware of. And if your child actually stops what it’s doing and takes notice of you then that’s an added bonus, you can retain your power and control.

And in this state you still need an outlet, but one that is not your child. And that outlet is with your partner, with someone you can yell and express all your anger to and speak about how bad your feelings are making you feel – how bad your child is making you feel. Your rage needs to be vented but not on the innocent one, you need to stay on your side and vent to someone, another adult, who can cope with it – a friend, someone who will understand and be the kind, caring, sympathetic parent you didn’t have. Someone who will listen to you and take you seriously. Someone who won’t judge you or tell you what to do or make you stop. Someone with whom you can just go for it with allowing yourself to finally say all those horrible things you’ve wanted to say back to your own unloving, uncaring parents. And if you can’t do it in the moment with your partner, then when you can. Put yourself back in your bad feelings, allow your rage to be ignited again, and go for it.

There is always another way, but that way is hard, if not impossible, to see because we are rendered blind by our parenting and resulting patterns. But the way is still there, and it can be found were you to want to seek the truth of yourself, doing your feeling-healing and stop denying your bad feelings. And when it is revealed then surprisingly you may find that your relationship with your child changes, and so much so, that it won’t even do what was pushing your buttons because there is no need for it to do so anymore as you no longer have such buttons within you to be pushed.

As parents are the leaders, as you change, so too will your child. With your child being there to help you uncover and reveal the truth of yourself. The child whilst it’s forming is somewhat like nature, but even more so, there to reflect back to you exactly as you are. So if your child is making your angry, it’s not actually your child that is making you angry, it’s really yourself, you’re doing it all to yourself, with your child lovingly and selflessly showing – reflecting – back to you this aspect of yourself you are not paying attention to. And instead of being ever so grateful for it lovingly helping you, you erupt unconsciously with your anger, crunching down hard on it blaming it for being the evil one. When the sad truth is – you are the Evil One, not your innocent little blameless child.

Who’s selfish?

‘James, don’t be selfish, allow your brother to have some.’

‘No, I don’t want him to have some, it’s mine and I want it all.’

‘Don’t be selfish, that’s mean of you, it’s nasty to not allow your brother to have some, so give him some, and you don’t want to be mean and nasty do you?’

‘No.’

Who does? Does anyone want to be mean and nasty, or even accused of being it? So what chance did I have of being able to live how I wanted to – none. I was controlled and conditioned to live their way. They always got what they wanted, they always had it their way. I had to always do what I was told – so who was mean and nasty, who really was selfish?

And this ‘loving’ parenting has crippled me in so many aspects of my adult life. I am instantly filled with guilt and dread of being punished and called such horrible names as ‘mean’ and ‘nasty’ if anything I do the other person objects to. And this makes is very difficult to do anything as someone is always going to object to something.

Our little cat gets up during the night a number of times. She wants me to pay attention to her, she wants to look outside, she wants something to eat. It’s cold, and after looking outside from front to backdoor, eating something, having lots of pats, she’s happy and I’m cold and want to go back to bed. So I do. And then she starts calling, on and on and on. I try to ignore her, but she jumps on the bed. I try to be firm saying to myself, no, this time I’m not giving in. I want to have it my way. I don’t want to always be told what to do by the cat. I don’t want to be waiting up in the cold for her to look outside. I don’t want to be wandering around in the dark patting and rubbing and rolling her around on her ‘rolly-mat’. I want to be warm and asleep. And doing it once a night is okay – fair’s fair, but three and four times! It gets too much, I don’t want to do it. But then the terrible guilt comes.

Up comes my guilt and dread. I hear my mothers imaginary words in my mind: ‘Oh go on, she won’t be long, at least she doesn’t go off for hours into the night, she only wants to look outside for a little while. Go on, it won’t hurt you. You won’t die from lack of sleep. She can’t let herself out, she needs you, she’s dependant on you and she doesn’t have much of a life. Go on…’ and here it comes… ‘don’t be mean, don’t be nasty, DON’T BE SELFISH. Go on, it’s not much she’s asking of you… go on…’

And it’s those dreaded words that do it to me every time. I give in. Up I get – yet again, go out into the cold, open the door, and wait in the dark. I chastise myself, punish myself for being so mean and nasty, a horrible person who won’t graciously, lovingly, do such a small thing for my cat, for my dear little cat who loves and gives me so much. I dump the shit on myself: it’s true, I am mean and nasty, and I hate myself for being this way. I am selfish. I wish I was a better person, more loving and all-accepting. And it’s true, it’s not going to hurt me, it doesn’t matter that I can’t go back to sleep for half the night, that it takes me ages to get warmed up again, that I have disturbing dreams, and by the time morning comes I feel like I need another nights sleep to recover from all I’ve been through.

And it doesn’t matter that it’s all one way. That I never get a say in it. She always gets what she wants, it’s not fifty-fifty, it’s never equal, it’s always me having to put myself aside, me having to give in and allow the other person to do whatever they want with me. And if I don’t I am accused and punished as being the worst person on Earth. They can all get – and SHOULD get – their way all the time, but not me. I’m praised for being so giving, so selfless, and I’m even told I should be more forceful in getting what I want, in standing up for myself, in being firm and assertive. And yet as soon as I try, guess what happens? ‘Don’t be so mean James, don’t expect everyone to do what you want in life. Life isn’t like that. If that’s how you’re going to behave then no one will like you, you’ll have no friends, no one wants to be with a nasty selfish person, no one wants to do what other people tell them to do all the time.’ And don’t I know it!

But I can’t do anything about it. I’m trapped in my plight, my patterns are set, so I need to have a cute little demanding cat that makes me feel guilty and makes me beat up on myself calling myself bad names, making myself feel bad, all because I dare to think for one moment that I might like to get things my way for a change.

And I can’t tell her to fuck off. I can’t reject her. I can’t just say too bad, go rot in hell, I am not getting up three times during the night to do what you want. You’ll just have to learn that your life is not going to be like that. You’ll just have to learn that you can’t have it ALL YOUR OWN WAY. You’ll just have to learn there are other people in the world other than you, so tough shit, you can whinge and complain all you like but it won’t get you anywhere, I AM NOT GOING TO DO WHAT YOU WANT – EVER!

I can’t do that. They did that with me, but I can’t be like them. I believe I should be, that that is how one is supposed to be and get on in the world, and in small ways I do try and assert my will, be the dominating controller and get what I want, but it’s all pathetic and really only still conditional on the other person allowing me to. As soon as they say no, then up comes the guilt and I feel bad for not respecting or considering them. And instantly I have to put myself aside and be there ready to do what they want – at their service. And I don’t want to be dominating and controlling.

And when the pressure is on, when I’m lying in bed having rejected her saying no, not this time, no way am I going to get up again, I feel so boxed in, I have nowhere to go and I just want to scream. I want to rage with the fury of feeling that it’s all so unjust. I want to have things my way, but I feel so sorry for her as she too wants things her way and she’s smaller than I and she’s dependant on me for so many things. Why can’t I be just all-loving, completely self-sacrificing, just alive to serve her? Why can’t I be the good boy, the boy who is praised for being so kind and considerate, and why can’t I feel good about being this way? Why can’t I live never wanting anything for myself, always there for the other person, always so willing and wanting to give and help? Why can’t I? And why do I believe that I should be this way?

But I can’t be like that. It doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t feel like I ever get a go. If I felt like I did have a go, had all I wanted and wanted nothing more, then perhaps I might be more like this, but it was always, ‘now James, that’s not how to be with your brother. He’s younger than you and so you must be nice to him. You must share your toys with him. You must not hit him. You must be good to him, and if you aren’t, then I will hit you – GOT IT!’

So little James who is now Big James must always be like this. Always putting his brother first. Never just being allowed to get on with his own life. Always having to worry about and be considerate of everyone else. Always having to wait, never being allowed to just go off and explore life as he wants to. Always having to curtail his own natural inspiration. Always having to put the breaks on, always having to stop what he wants to do forcing himself to change accommodating and including the other person. Never being allowed to just be himself. Never being allowed to feel and experience what it might actually be like to be the real and true James. That James doesn’t exist, was stopped from existing, was forced to take the back seat, to be ‘in there’, somewhere, buried and waiting… always waiting… always waiting for the day when they said: ‘Okay now James, because you’ve been such a good unselfish boy, it’s now your turn. Now you can be free to be however you want to be. Now you can go out there and do what you like. You don’t have to worry about or be concerned with anyone else, they can take care of themselves. Now you can start to live your life’. And James waits, and waits. And I wait for something that will never come. I sit at the bus stop waiting for the bus that will take away to my life, but I know it will never come. It never came when I was little. It came close at times, I could see it in the distance, but it always turned the wrong way, it always turned away from me.

And she meows again and it’s quick up James see what she wants, and instantly I have to stop my life, put myself aside and attend to her. I have too because I don’t want to suffer the pain and hurt of being called those horrible names. I don’t want to be mean, nasty and selfish because then no one will like me. No one will want to be with me. No one will want to be my friend. No one will love me. She won’t even like me or love me anymore. And then I will be all alone. All alone and with nothing to do. Then I won’t have anyone telling me how to be and what I should do. But I won’t be happy with that because having no friends, no one who likes or even loves you, is even worse that being called selfish.

And you know, the part I’ve never understood is that they accuse me of being selfish if I don’t do what they want me to do, if they don’t get their way, but when I accuse them of being selfish, they tell me to stop saying mean and nasty things about them. They say it’s bad to say bad things about other people. So I don’t get it. I always loose out. I always end up feeling bad.