False child

The parent has an imaginary picture of how it wants its child to be, and sets about trying to bring it into being.

It fails to see its own child for who he or she is; it only sees the false child, one of its minds creation.

The parent puts it’s false child first, not tolerating its real and true child; its child being forced to comply with its parents wishes; forced to go against itself, to lose itself – to become false.

And as the child grows up fitting its parents false picture of how its meant to be, the parent is happy, feeling good about all its doing – how its child is ‘turning out’. And so the false child also feels happy; happy that its parent like and love it, so doubling its effort to be as its parent want it to be, believing that its living the right way.

And the parent believes it’s a loving parent, giving everything to its child, putting its child first, doing everything expected of it. And so long as the child doesn’t ‘take its parent for granted’ everyone is happy, everything is fine, all are loved.

So the parent has done well manifesting the picture of how its child should be, and the child is happy because its parent provided everything it needed. And the two carry on playing their roles, saying and believing they love one another.

And everything is all right in the land of falseness and imagination.

This is how it works

This is how we’ve taken on our negative unloving self and feeling denying states of being.

If as a child all that happened to us was we were hit on our hand by a hammer, experiencing nothing else, then one day we’d want to take over from our parents and start hitting ourselves on our hand. We’d grow up knowing nothing else, that it wasn’t wrong, even though it hurt, because our parents, so we believe and who we want to be like, were showing us it was right – this is our life. And as we grow and want to have our own power, so eventually we’d take over from them believing we were now living life as an adult as we’re supposed to, hitting our hand with our full power. With all the pain being buried deep within us, with our constant dismissing of our bad feelings using our mind.

And that then applies to everything we do in life and why we do it. Everything can be traced back to doing it with our will having taken over from their will doing it to us. All because we no longer wanted to feel subservient to them.

And because they didn’t treat us lovingly, we don’t treat ourselves lovingly. And because they wouldn’t allow us to fully express all our feelings, so we don’t allow ourselves to, denying so many of our bad feelings. And because they made us so scared of so many things, then we make sure we have things in our life making us scared. And because they interfered with us, so we have things in our life that interfere with us. We have to, it’s our pattern – our negative self-denying pattern we formed through our early childhood.

And we might not outwardly appear to be hammering ourself on our hand, but inwardly much of what we do to ourselves will be having the same affect on us. And if we could go back, take it all back to our beginning, gradually we’d stop doing all the things we are now doing as adults – doing to ourselves inwardly and unconsciously – making us feeling like we’re hammering ourselves, slowly replacing them with a real hammer.

And this is what happens through your feeling-healing, this is how we uncover the truth of what is really going on within us. All so it becomes a literal experience, all so we can go back as adults and literally see what they – our ‘loving’ parents – did to us. To see they are hammering us making us feel bad.

This is what any good therapy will seek to help you see about yourself, if you allow it to. If you want to see the truth.

The lure of false power

We are born into a powerless life – our negative mind and will state. Right from the first moment our natural power is being stopped. It gets leeched out of us by our parents as they use us for their own false power gains, all under the guise of ‘love’.

Some of us within the false power regimes we call our family are given more support, even encouraged, to do whatever we can to gain false power. Others of us are not. We are kept down, drained of all life essence, barely able to function and compete in the world.

And the power is false because of one very simple reason: you can feel it to be so. For example: The person who feels they have a say in the world endlessly strives to ‘better’ their situation. They feel if only they had a little more, then they’d be right, then they’d be happy and could relax and enjoy life. If only they were a couple of inches taller, then everything would be all okay. If only they had a little more money; if only they got that job promotion; if only they were healthier; if only they weren’t so fat; if only they were more good looking; if only…

But the if only never comes, because what they fail to realise is really all they want, but can never have, was that which they lost and were prevented from having as a young child – love; and the ability to fully and freely express themselves – all they felt.

Our insatiable need for greed, always for more false-power, can only come from the fact that we always feel bereft of power – powerless. And you only have to see the tortured face of a little child being told off by its ‘loving’ parents to see how it feels so powerless, and is POWERLESS. And will remain so forever until it does its feeling-healing. All the while striving to gain power, false power – even from its own children, never feeling totally satisfied.

We never grow up

We always remain children:

We are parented by controlling parents.

We go to school and are taught by controlling teachers.

We begin work being controlled by bosses.

And one day finally we might become the controller. One day we might become the parent, the teacher, the boss.

And then it’s out turn to do what was done to us.

Yet we still haven’t grown up. We’re now only the big kid telling the smaller kids what to do and how to be.

Deluding yourself with meditation?

So you sit on your bum and meditate. For moments, minutes, hours – even days, do you meditate. And for what purpose? Enlightenment? Transcendence? Higher knowledge? Wisdom, peace, bliss? Clarity of mind, stress release, relaxation and enjoyment? Or, just to escape?

And do you look at a blank dark screen in your mind, or do you allow pictures to flow, perhaps ‘inner’ voices speak to you and you to them; or is it that you just go in and in and down or up or wherever it is you go as you move into your altered state of mind? Or is it that you say that special and secret word, make a ‘vibration’, contemplate the meaning of…

And what really are you doing it all for?

And the answer is: to make yourself feel better.

And why do you want to make yourself feel better?

Because you feel bad.

And what is it about feeling bad that you don’t like? It’s feeling BAD.

So what you are really doing is doing all you can to stop yourself from feeling bad – right?

However you are not dealing with the deep underlying problems that are making you feel bad in the first place, all the yuk from your childhood repression. Because if you were, then there’d be no way you could sit on your bum in a mind altered state. Your bad feelings would be intruding too heavily pushing you to accept, express and seek the truth of the them.

And it’s this intrusion, the intrusion on your life by feeling bad that you hate and want to get rid of. Which really is the intrusion into your life from your parents, as they are whom made you feel bad in the first place causing your childhood repression and all you want to run away from.

So really you’re out there or ‘in there’ doing all you can to block out and escape from the intrusion of your parents. And so there we have it. Do you see – it’s the Great Truth! And it’s that you are doing your mediation (or prayers), you are involved in your spiritual (or religious) practice, solely to avoid your parents, all because they and their unloving and negative influences are still very much ‘alive’ and affecting you. Because if they weren’t you’d have no repressed childhood yuk within you and you wouldn’t be feeling bad.

And so you wouldn’t need to do what you’re doing trying to feel good. Your spiritual or religious practices would be for you to seriously grow in truth, helping you uncover the truth of yourself through your feelings, and not using them to run away from your bad feelings as fast are your meditation or prayer will take you. So your spiritual or religious system wouldn’t exist as it is. And so I’m afraid to say, all that you are doing is just fantasy, helping you to further your self-indulgent negative mind and will state.

Using a therapist.

Although I have written that you don’t need one, that you can do all of your feeling-healing without needing such help, still I want to emphasise that if you feel you do need one, then you should follow such feelings.

So many of us are very fucked up, we’re not in a rational state of mind or emotions. And for such people I would strongly advise that they receive hands on help from trained people. They can still start to work on their feeling-healing if that is what they want, but still they may need a lot of face-to-face help from professionals.

Many people may need other structures put in place within themselves so as to deal with the onrush of bad feelings, all before they are stable and confident enough to tackle going it alone doing their feeling-healing.

What I write about therapists is not meant to be seen that I hate therapists and advise against then. That’s not true. All I want to do is point out that there can be certain limitations with them, as there are within everything that’s functional in a negative state of mind and will. And in regards to uncovering the whole truth of yourself, there will come a point when you have to go it alone, and go deep down into all of your buried repressed feelings, all so you can find the whole truth of your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your parents.

When you are in a very bad state, with so many bad feelings swirling around within you, they can all jam up or you can break down with them, or you can even pretend that you don’t feel any at all, feeling good about yourself. And for such people professional help will probably be a good, if not an essential way of starting to bring some sort of order and rationality to what’s going on. But as to what sort of therapy might be good for you, that I can’t say. Personally I’m not interested in what sort of therapies exist. Fortunately I’ve been able to do my feeling-healing without such help, although, I admit I do have my own personal ongoing therapist in Marion, that which a true friend can become. Nor am I interested in any psychological techniques because they are all mostly only designed to help you cope better within your negative state, not helping to get you out of it. And as I said, this might be what you do initially need. But when you want to start healing your negative self and feeling-denial state of mind, then you will be entering into doing your feeling or soul-healing.

Why are we anti-children?

We live in a world that is anti-children. However we believe otherwise. Were we to accept such truth about ourselves we’d have to question our ‘civilisation’ – we’d face a crisis. And yet it’s undeniable.

It’s a simple equation and we only need to look at how we treat ourselves and our children to see how we hate both. And how can we not when we’ve all been parented in an unloving way. And yet mostly we pretend otherwise.

You only have to feel how bad it feels to feel rejected as a child, to know that such abuse causes irreparable damage to the psyche and self-esteem of the growing child. And look at how many times a day in the average family when the young child is pushed away, criticised, reprimanded, corrected,punished, yelled at, forced to do what it doesn’t want to do, rejected – made to feel unloved and unwanted by its parents.

We hate children, we hate the child within ourselves as we were hated by our parents.

We pretend we love our children, that they are the most important things in the world to us, and yet look at how unlovingly we treat them. We must be mentally deficient.

To feel rejected by the very people who you need and long to love you is crippling. There is simply nothing worse and we feel like we don’t exist and want to dying. And yet we don’t, we live on having to bury and deny such bad feelings pretending we are loved and feel good.  And we do this because the truth is simply too devastating for us to face as a little child.  We want to feel loved by our parents not hated, and will do all we can to keep this bad feeling reality away as if it is the nasty evil monster trying to take us away from those who love us.  Those who are the true monsters.

Yet look at the quality of life we live. Look how we fall apart as we get older unable to keep up the pretence on a physical level. Look at how dependant we become on an artificial love system – the medical system and all other systems. Look at how impersonal, removed and uncaring of ourselves and each other we are. We can all see it. We just don’t want to admit that it’s the same with our relationship with our own children. After all, it’s adults that cause our unloving relationship with nature and our self-denying world, not children, and yet adults were once children – so what happened to us adults during our forming years to make us become so uncaring?

We live in a world that sets out to ‘break’ the child’s will, to control, dominate and overpower it, all so the child ‘falls’ into line. Then as ‘broken’ people we live our adult lives trying to gain the superficial false power we believe we need to keep us propped up and functional. The more ‘successful’ people being able to do it better than the ‘failures’.

But it’s all a game of make-believe, nothing more than fantasy and of little real value and no truth.

How can we honestly love our children when we don’t even honestly love ourselves? We can’t, it doesn’t happen, and no one wants to face it. Because if they do it will bring their whole meaningless, truthless, loveless life into focus, and then what are they going to do?

Yet there does exist another way: the way of truth, the way of coming clean and admitting what your feelings are trying to tell you. Something that happens as you do your Feeling-Healing.

Addicted?

Who caused your addiction?

YOUR PARENTS! No one else. The same people who caused your childhood repression. You’re only doing it to yourself because of how you were treated during your forming years. Any other reasons you might tell yourself as to why you are addicted, will probably only be what they or someone influential during your early life told you.

Why are you addicted?

Because they denied you the love you needed to form with. From conception all the way through your early childhood, you were deprived of the love you needed to grow with. And you still desperately want that love. But it’s not going to come, and this makes you feel very bad. It makes you feel as bad as you felt back then. And the truth of it, you don’t want to face. You don’t want to feel all the bad feelings of being unloved. You don’t want to know that your parents did not love you. So you block them out – at least try to – with your addiction. You do something you believe makes you feel better – gives you the good loving feelings they should have given you.

And what if I know my parents didn’t love me but still I’m addicted?

The same still applies. There is just more truth and more bad feelings of not feeling loved by them waiting for you to see.

How do I heal my addiction?

By doing your Feeling-Healing – healing your childhood repression through the complete unconditional love of yourself; of all the bad feelings you are denying. By uncovering the whole truth of why you are addicted – the whole truth of your relationship with your parents. By allowing yourself to feel all your pain, all your bad feelings resulting from not feeling loved. The pain your trying to run away from, trying to quell, hide and squash out of existence with your addiction.

Will I ever be free of my addiction?

No, not until you have felt and seen the whole truth of it. You may stop doing it, you may feel you don’t need it any longer, but it won’t be completely healed until you uncover the whole truth through your childhood repression healing – then you will know you are free of it. By doing this slowly, you will give yourself through your bad feeling acceptance, the love they didn’t give you – slowly you will love yourself out of your need to be addicted. You will become the kind, caring, considerate, humble, all-loving parent to yourself that your parents should have been to you.

Can I heal my addiction and love my parents at the same time?

Can you love your parents for denying you the love you needed from them?

What about forgiving them for what they have done to me?

What about it? Worry about yourself first. Heal all of your childhood repression and need for your addiction, and then worry about them, if you still feel you want to. Until you put yourself first – your feelings, all the good and BAD ones, nothing will change. You’ll just go around in your mind still refusing to face and deal with the real issues at hand – that they didn’t love you. Until you give up trying to make happy family, it’s not going to happen. You’re fucked, they fucked you, and only you can get yourself out of it. And it’s only going to happen by accepting, honouring, expressing and seeking the truth of your bad feelings. All the rest of the healing processes are dicking around avoiding the real issues. Sure they may help you, they may even ‘heal’ you, but there’s still all the yuk to do with your parents buried deep inside you waiting until one day you decide it’s time to try and face it.

We are all addicted aren’t we?

Yes; to our self-denial, to our negative state, to our childhood repression, as seen by our ongoing denial of our feelings and our refusal to accept the truth of our relationship with our parents.

What causes childhood repression?

From what I understand it’s the forced suppression and denial of yourself as you are growing and coming into being. If you are not allowed to be your true self, and prevented from expressing your anger at this and all the other bad feelings you may feel, then not only does your true self not come into being, but also all those other bad feelings remain within you.

The actual personality dynamics of how we come into being are very complex, and I wouldn’t begin to say I understand any more than some generalised concepts and theory. All I’ve to go on is how I’ve felt as I’ve worked my way back into my early years bringing up all the bad feelings that have been locked away inside me. Yet, as I’ve liberated these feelings seeing the truth of why I am in this state – what happened to me back then, I’ve become increasingly aware that I am changing, becoming more real and true. And how I know this is I feel it. I can’t explain it in any other way. I just know I am more of the true me, and I like what I feel about myself. And I become aware of how more of the false, unreal and affected me has gone. I no longer need to behave how I did, to maintain the false me I was forced to contrive as I grew up, in place of the real me.

As to what practically causes our childhood repression, I would say it’s our parents and ‘loved ones’ negative intentions we are subjected to. If they are unloving and untrue, themselves being false, then we suffer, with the greater suffering causing what are known to be traumas.

To have a stronger will force itself over you, not allowing you to be how you want to be, is very damaging, especially when you are only a newly forming and growing will. It is something akin to ‘breaking in a horse’, ‘bending’ its will to suit yours. It still has a will but you’ve forced it to only do your will, to behave how you want it to, effectively causing it to relinquish its own true will, making it into a ‘false’ creature, no longer a ‘real’ horse in the truest sense – no longer free, but a creation of yours. And we do the same to children to a greater or lesser degree. Then once the patterns have been formed, you being none the wiser, unknowing that you are not the real and true you, use your will to obey the patterns your parents imposed on you. And as you grow up you delude yourself that you are in control of yourself and your life believing you know what is right for you, but it’s not true, it’s all only how your parents have made and conditioned you to believe.

And you carry on denying yourself all your bad feelings, all your protesting anger and the misery and pain of being untrue; lying to yourself you are okay, when you are still, deep within you, traumatised and suffering.

So to unwind and heal all of this, you can begin by stopping the denial of your bad feelings. And as you allow them to be, you are beginning to allow the true you – unloved, unwanted, rejected-by-you and your parents, to be. And so up comes all the repressed pain along with all the other bad feelings.

And as this happens it is vital to express all your bad feelings, to speak about them and re-feel them without trying to deny them. And then to long for the truth of them. For you need to see the truth of their underlying patterns, because when you do it means you are right down in your original will formation and subsequent denial of it, able to now use your healing will to let go of all that you are doing to stop the full expression of yourself; to choose to live your way and not the way of your parents.

And in the moment of this choice, and often you can feel and perceive it, you know you are no longer this untrue, false you in this aspect of your personality. And this part of your childhood repression healing is done.

If you don’t long and seek the truth, you can express your bad feelings all day long, yet nothing will happen other than letting off steam. You may in the short term feel a little better, feeling like you have some power, but you won’t be taken down inside yourself.

The real cause of your childhood repression is your parents and other carers, and to face this truth can be very confronting and difficult, potentially destroying any so-called ‘loving’ relationship you might have with them. But then again, how loving can it be when they have caused you such terrible problems, traumatising you at the time in your life when you needed their love the most?

If you sincerely want to become the true you – to find out what that is; to heal yourself of all your falseness, show and imperfection; to fix all that is wrong within you, then you are going to have to face the truth of your relationship with your parents – there is no other way. And when you feel how badly they’ve treated you, fucking you up, you are not going to be happy with them.

If you value your ‘good’, ‘nice’, ‘loving’ relationship with your parents and family, above that of yourself, then you are not going to be able to heal your childhood repression. If you are prepared to rip everything apart, if that is what is what is required to save yourself and become the real and true you, then you will succeed in healing your childhood repression. It may take a long time, but you will get there.

And perhaps if your parents and family were to also do their childhood repression healing, then when it’s all over with everyone living true, you might be able to be friends and love one another. But until then, you have to be prepared to do the opposite.

Your parents didn’t set out to cause you to suppress and then repress parts of yourself and cause all the associated bad feelings, but by default they have. And so they are to blame. And blame and accuse them you will throughout your healing. You ‘do’ whatever your bad feelings feel to do, expressing and acting them out, more often than actually carrying them out, all to uncover the truth of why you feel them.

To find the truth of yourself is a huge task. You have to know why and what effect your parents had on you, good and bad, on every part of your early forming life – from conception through to becoming a young adult. And during that time you went through a lot that didn’t make you feel good, that forced you to deny parts of yourself, and you felt a lot of bad feelings you couldn’t tell anyone about. But now you can. And it will take time as you change and adjust to letting go of the false untrue you, while embracing the new real you. It takes time to live all the necessary experiences you’ll need to have to make you feel bad, so you can bring up your bad feelings.

And by the end of it you’ll know a lot about yourself and your relationships with your parents, all of which you will actually feel very grateful for, even though it was hell.

Who will do their childhood repression healing?

Jesus said nicely, as he always seems to, that the meek are going to inherit the Earth. I would say that it will be the fucked who struggle along with nothing to gain and do their feeling-healing – heal their childhood repression.

It all comes to down to a matter or power. From what I have observed and seen within myself, if you feel reasonably happy, content and fulfilled in your life, if your life is going in the direction you want it to and if you can make it do so, then why would you want to change anything. You have a reasonable amount of power, some say in your life, with life looking pretty good. But what if you don’t? What about those people who don’t feel powerful, who don’t feel happy and fulfilled, and always have things wrong without being able to do anything about them?

If you were allowed to have power within your family as you were growing up, then naturally you will have the same power as an adult in the world, your early childhood patterns still asserting themselves. But if whilst growing up you weren’t allowed much or any power in your family then you won’t feel like you have any as an adult. You might pretend or believe you do, but underneath such a false exterior, if you could admit it, you can only feel powerless as determined by the patterns of belief and behaviour you were subjected to and forced to accept as a young child.

Why is it that some people are failures and other successes, and how do we define these terms? And is it such a great thing to be a success in a life that we are all living wrongly? To be a success in a power-seeking world, a world that is driven by fear and deep underlying feelings of powerlessness, all brought about by our abusive parenting, means that to be successful you are living very incorrectly so far as the truth is concerned. So your so-called success is actually taking you further from your true self, you are moving further and deeper into falseness, into the control of your mind; you are in fact not becoming successful in truth as you might like to suppose, but are becoming the very opposite.

Yet if you are a failure, unable to assert yourself, unable to command, compete and make others do what you want them to do, then really, so far as the truth and a true good life is concerned, you are successful as you are not buying into the falseness, the evil, the self-deception and delusion that you are someone of some account.

None of us know what having true power, the power of our true nature is, because we were all stopped from having it as we were growing up. Our parents dominated and controlled us, they ‘bent us to their will’, so all we had within their regime, all we were allowed to do and so were allowed to feel powerful in, is false power and so not real. So being a powerful person in the world is a fantasy as many will testify once all the crutches they need to support themselves are suddenly removed.

As the financial crisis bites hard and sets in, the means to make as much money as you could, the ability to assert your power and maintain your success becomes lessened, and you may start to feel scared, for what will happen to you if you can no longer do it, if you become one of those dreaded failures. What will happen to you as you are pushed back into yourself loosing your ability to control, into the truer self that you are so desperately hiding from. And how will you cope as you start to break down, as the house of cards you have built up starts to crumble. What will you do as you are forced closer to facing your childhood repression and feeling-denial. What happens when you can no longer use money and your standard of living to hide from such bad feelings. What indeed…