What if you can’t have it?

What if you can’t have your thing, your special thing, your thing that makes you feel better?

What can you do?  The thought of not having it is too excruciatingly painful.  To not have that which makes you better, to not have it…NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I must have it.  I must!  The pain is too great, it’s horrendeous.  It will destroy me, I won’t be able to survive.  I must have it, I must, I can’t do without it.  I can’t even begin to think about not having it.

Give it to me – quick, I need it – NOW!  I need it.  I must have it.  You don’t understand.  I can’t bear it if I don’t have it.  You have to give it to me.  You can’t withhold it from me, no you can’t.  I’ll fight you, I’ll fight you for it.  I’ll will.  I will kill you for it, nothing will stand in my way, nothing will stop my having it.  I must have it.  And if you can’t understand that, then fuck you.

You don’t love me.  You don’t care about me.  You hate me, I know it.  Because if you didn’t, if you did really love me, then you’d let me have it, you wouldn’t keep it from me, you wouldn’t stop me.

And I don’t care what you say.  You are mean, nasty and horrible and I don’t want to be your friend.  I hate you, because you won’t let me have what I want.  I hate you, I hate you more than anything in the world.  You’re a rotten, nasty person, and I don’t love you – I don’t.

And I never will.  It’s too late now.  I feel too bad.  I don’t now what to do.  I can’t do anything.  You’ve defeated me.  It’s over.  Nothing will ever be the same.  And you still don’t understand.  And how can you – you’ve never understood.  You’ve never wanted to understand me.

“Helping Witness” – a good friend.

Alice Miller speaks about our needing a helping witness. Someone we can speak about our trauma and bad feelings to, someone who is on our side and sympathetic to our needs; someone who can help us with your childhood repression healing.

But for me, a “helping witness” sounds all too impersonal, I want someone who is quite plainly: a good friend.

We need a friend. We need a friend because our parents weren’t our friends. We missed out on sharing a loving relationship with them, we missed out on being friends.

I believed as I grew older that mum was my friend, and a good one at that. She was on my side, she was there for me, she was my mum. But still, as I have discovered, I am full of repressed childhood feelings, with most of my early life causing me no end of pain and troubles in my adult life. All of which was caused by my so-called good friends, my mother and father.

Through my childhood repression healing I have had to face the truth that my parents weren’t my friends, that they just used me in many ways to get things they wanted. Their ‘love’ was all based on condition. But true friends don’t use each other, they love and accept each other unconditionally. And being a friend without conditions – is something hard to be, especially when all you’ve known is your parents way.

You might believe that your mum or dad is one of your best friends because you can share everything with them, but can you? Can you really speak about EVERY bad feeling and thought you have with them? And with them without trying to change you, without trying to help you ‘get over them’. And have you tried? And what about all those bad feelings you won’t even accept and allow yourself to feel? And how do you think your so-called ‘best friend’ in your parent will hold up when you start telling them how bad you feel, how unloved you feel and it’s all because of them? What happens as you start to delve deep into all your hidden and repressed bad feelings, and you start to see that all you believe your friendship with your parents is, turns out to be false, fantasy and your delusion maintained by you because of your dread to face the truth your feelings are trying to show you?

When you start your childhood repression healing through your bad feeling acceptance, it’s like starting one long course of therapy, and you need a friend to help you with it. You need someone you can speak to about all your bad feelings, every single one of them – a willing listener. And sure, someone who is a witness to all the horror and yuk you talk about, but someone who is also more than that, someone who is a true friend.

And preferably you need a friend who is there with you all, if not most, of the time, someone who you can speak to at any moment about any bad feeling you feel. It’s hard to store up your bad feelings and wait until your next appointment later in the week – but it is better than nothing.

A true friend allows you to tell them, without their judgement or their trying to stop you, just how bad you feel. And they want to know what you are feeling. They genuinely want to know you – YOU, THE FEELINGS PERSON. Not just you the fun person, or the mind person, or the person to go out and do things with; but you the person who has their life whilst they have theirs and you talk about every bad and good feeling you have. And not just the person who you touch base with, keep up to date with about your life’s goings on. And not just the person you go to bed with. No, a true friend, someone who wants you to speak to them about all you feel and for them to be able to speak to you about all they feel. For as you know, it’s feelings that give any relationship the breadth and depth needed to remain interesting and vital, particularly if you spend a lot of time together. No feeling sharing and communicating, and it all gets rather mundane. And to really give a relationship the chance to achieve it’s full potential, bad feelings must also be included. And if you want to do your childhood repression healing together, then lots of bad feelings, all the time bad feelings, being talked about and discussed.

Your friend by wanting you to come out to them is asking you to tell them about yourself. They are inviting you out into the world. And the more expressive you can be, the more feelings you can speak about, the more of you can come out and exist. And being your friend, they like you speaking about all you feel – THEY LIKE YOU. And this is very important, for then it’s the world liking you, saying yes we accept you as you are, you are most welomce to come out into it and just be yourself – all you feel, good and bad.

Your friend being the world unconditonally allows you to be. They don’t tell you how you should be. They don’t do what your parents did to you and say we like this part but not that part. Or, we will only like you if change your behavour, yourself, and become what is acceptable to us. They are saying, the world is saying, we hate you, we don’t want you as you are, we totally reject you. We don’t like you, we don’t love you UNLESS… and then come all the conditions. And what hope do you have but to comply, deny and change your own natural self-expression and become as they want you to be. Your parents are not your true friend.

But your friend, your true friend, is not like your parents. It says, you are okay just as you are. And this, I can tell you, is a very pleasant change. And it might even take time to get used to. And it has a good effect on you. For effectively by your friend saying they want you as you are, you can then say that to yourself. You can beign to accept yourself, not judge and criticise yourself; you can start to be nice, kind and caring, even loving of yourself. A nice welcome change indeed! And all because the world is now saying you are good, true and perfect how you are, you don’t have to change yourself anymore for us. And all thanks to your friend.

So really your true friend becomes something of substitute parents, parents who are your friend. And they can help you fill in the love deficit gap caused by your parents not loving you as you needed to be loved. Which really means, that through them, through your friends acceptance of you, you are able to be the loving parents to yourself that you didn’t have. You are able to fill in the gap, to fill up the hole, through your own love for yourself – as you just feel better about yourself.

Your true friend is acceptance, unconditional acceptance – acceptance of all you feel.

Alice Miller

I’m writing this to put what I say into context with what Alice Miller says – that is, how I think it is.

For me Alice doesn’t go far enough, she’s too limited by the physical whereas I’m looking out our childhood repression problems with more a spiritual slant.

I love what Alice says, she has helped me a lot, even in understanding things from the spiritual perspective. She is, so far as I’m concerned, and from the small amount of professional literature I’ve read, miles ahead of most of what psychology should be about. But still, so far as I’m concerned, she has limitations.

I am coming from the understanding that we’re all conceived into a self- and feeling-denying date, that which causes our childhood repression. And this is a condition that is not normal, is negative and evil, although we mostly accept it as normal human life. And the only way to get ourselves out of it, to heal it, is for us to do what I call our feeling – or soul-healing (your soul-healing being done with the inclusion of God’s Divine Love embracing and including your ascension of truth – a more spiritual approach to life). And this process is very difficult and laborious, a huge journey of self-discovery, discovering your lost self, that which your parents prevented you from naturally becoming.

My work is all concerned with feelings, I’m not interested with the academics of it, or whether or not any studies may or may not enhance what I say. What I write has all come from what I have felt as I’ve progressed through my feeling – and soul-healing. And the aim of doing such healing is to become completely of a positive mind and will, no longer negative, which if achieved would result in a whole new approach, attitude and out look on life. One that is no longer self-denying, but completely self-accepting.

From what I gather, for various reasons, Alice says you need a therapist to help you, you can’t look so deeply into yourself with such professional help. Whereas I would say, sure a therapist may help you, however the whole focus should be on helping yourself to become self-revealing of truth, something you can do through your feeling- or soul-healing. In the end I believe you can completely heal all of your self-denying negative state yourself because at the end of the day it is only all about yourself. And when it you were made to become of it, it wasn’t a therapist that helped you. And through the feeling- or soul-healing process ultimately you become your greatest friend.

We as humanity exist in a feeling-denial state of mind and will. The answer to all our ills can be found in this. Life will never work ‘properly’ because it can’t, not whilst we’re denying ourselves. And our great challenge is to first wake up to this fact, that we are unloving and can’t be anything else when our parents didn’t make us feel completely loved how we needed to be loved, and then choose to heal ourselves out of it. A task that will take eons, but needs to at least start somewhere.

I look upon Alice as the ‘mother’ to understanding our plight, shedding light on the place no one wants to go into, and we all need our mothers to make us feel safe and secure – loved. And until we fully acknowledge the suppression and subjugation of the feminine aspect of truth within ourselves, nothing will ever change.

Our childhood repression is our problem, all other problems stem from it. If you are seeking to heal yourself without seeking the truth of your childhood repression, then you’re only moving things around in the surface layers.

Healing our childhood repression awaits us all. We’re all of it, we’re suffering from it. And every new child is being parented into it. And all this has happened and does keep happen irrespective of what we may feel, say or believe love to be.

We are in terrible pain, but mostly refuse to acknowledge it – hence our denial of feelings. And this feeling denial is what we must one day give up.

If you are ‘new’ to childhood repression, then you must read all of Alice’s book. If for no other reason than to have her authoritative approach work its way into convincing you that all she says is right, because from all I’ve uncovered about myself through my feeling- and soul-healing, she is.

Alice Miller

I can’t write about childhood repression without including Alice Miller. And if you are seriously interesting in childhood repression, then I would strongly suggest reading her books.

Marion and I had been doing our feeling-healing for a number of years before we came across Alice’s books, and they helped affirm to us that we were heading in the right direction.

However, I feel that our healing has and is taking us further into ourselves and on a more profound quest for our true self than what Alice covers in her books. And there are a number of things that don’t sit well with me that Alice says, these things placing limitations on ones personal growth and childhood repression healing.

With only her books to go by, I can’t really comment on how Alice sees things as I don’t personally know her, so some of what I say I imagine she wouldn’t agree with nor recommend to people should they want to heal their childhood repression. And these things I want to comment on now. And if I have misinterpreted what Alice says and believes then Alice please pardon my error.

Firstly, it’s the notion that one must do their childhood healing with a therapist. And for me this instantly adds certain heavy restrictions. For having to be bound to another person when seeking the truth of oneself, is for me, just the same as what the initial problem that caused ones childhood repression – being bound to ones parents.

By doing your Feeling-Healing as I am presenting it, as indeed I am doing it, I have not needed a therapist to guide me or hold my hand all the way. Yes, I have had Marion’s help, and without it I wouldn’t have made the progress I have made, but Marion is not professionally trained, and has helped me entirely by just expressing and reacting to her own feelings. Our healing being done as two friends helping each other to try and find the truth of ourselves, trying to live true to all our feelings. To be dependant on another person is too limiting, too restricting, and I believe will limit ones healing. And the beauty about doing your feeling-healing is not only the ease of doing it by just accepting your feelings and using them to take you back into your self-denial, but you can use professional help is you feel you want it, but your progress is not determined by it.

Another aspect of what I understand Alice and other people to believe is that all ones repression is somehow contained within the cellular memory of ones cells, so all contained somehow within ones body. Which all sounds very nice if you see our existence limited to only the physical dimension, but still I fail to see how such bad early childhood experiences can be contained within such cellular memory, and then how they come back to life as one moves to express and re-live them.

My childhood repression healing has led me to take a more wholistic, and what I would call spiritual, approach to understanding my repression and the healing of it through my bad feeling acceptance. I look at it as, all my experiences, including my early childhood ones, that I’ve repressed and denied the feeling expression of, are contained within my soul, that deep part of me that I can at times perceive and get something of a ‘glimpse’ of; and when it’s time for me to access yet more suppressed and repressed early childhood feelings, then it’s my soul that orchestrates it using my physical body as part of what I need to re-experience them, so manifesting the pain I need to help me to feel bad. My physical body is merely a life experiencing mechanism, be that life now as an adult or re-calling life I lived as a child.

And along the lines of spiritual, Alice denounces all religion as being a result of our childhood repression, and so won’t do anything to help one heal it. Religion only serving to keep one well entrenched in self-denial. And the submitting to obediently obey God is nothing more than doing what you were forced to do by your parents – submit and obey them. And I agree with her.

However, with Divine Love Spirituality, this is not what one does to live the will of God. With this new revelation-inspired spirituality, the healing of your childhood repression is paramount, because you need to do it to bring your dysfunctional will back into perfection, so you are fully self-willed, and then by using your totally empowered will, choose to live God’s Will. All without involving any level of being subservient, submissive, or obedient to God. By the time you’ve healed your childhood repression, living perfectly true to yourself and all your feelings, you’ll be living true to your natural will expression. And if you want to take your spiritual life and relationship with God further, you can by longing for and partaking of God’s Divine Love, which then sets up an inner transformation within your soul, this leading you naturally to live and do God’s Will with all of your will, always maintaining your own personal will-integrity. You end up living a fully self- and feeling-expressive life with God, just as you would have lived with your parents had they not been full of their childhood impression imposing their negative self-abusive ways and will on you.

I also feel that a lot of people want to heal their childhood trauma and repression just so they can get on and live something of a ‘normal’ life, feeling strong and self-confident to do whatever it is they want to do. But to be this, to live this way, is still within the negative. And I have nothing against this if one wants to heal certain aspects of their early childhood trauma, thereby helping them to get on, feeling much better and feeling more powerful and in control, albeit still in their self- and feeling-denying life. Yet it’s not where the doing of your feeling-healing will ultimately take you.

From all I understand, we are in a very bad state indeed. I call it a negative mind and will condition, which is imposed on us and we’re forced to accept from conception. And the result of it is we live untrue to ourselves – false and unreal lives. So to heal ones childhood repression by doing your feeling-healing, is to heal ones whole negative unloving state of being. And if you manage to do it – to complete your childhood repression healing – how you will be living, the real and true you, will not be what we in our self-denying states call a normal way of life. It will be a true and pure and perfect way of life, one that hasn’t been lived on Earth for a very long time, since we started living in the negative. So for those people who do start their feeling-healing, you are stepping out into as yet uncharted waters, but with the end result promising to make you feel very real, true and loved, the exact opposite to how your parents made you feel.

Although on these points I disagree with Alice, still I would encourage anyone to seek professional help if that is what they felt they wanted. There are no hard and fast rules and all I want to do is point out is another perspective about it all, one that I am experiencing. And I would love to think that in time, when one Googles Childhood Repression it comes back with tens of thousands of hits, rather than the current dearth and accompanying disappointment.

In summary, overall, I don’t feel Alice goes far enough. Still the heart of the issue remains, the most difficult part – your unloving relationship with your parents. And it is unloving, at least some parts of it, because you wouldn’t feel bad if it wasn’t. And if one is to rely on therapists for help, where does one find a good one, one who understands about childhood repression having worked on themselves. One that is sympathetic to you, accepting of your bad feelings, and not one that is just intent on trying to find solutions to shut you up. I find the freedom of being able to do it myself, without being dependant on anyone else, very appealing.

Using a therapist.

Although I have written that you don’t need one, that you can do all of your feeling-healing without needing such help, still I want to emphasise that if you feel you do need one, then you should follow such feelings.

So many of us are very fucked up, we’re not in a rational state of mind or emotions. And for such people I would strongly advise that they receive hands on help from trained people. They can still start to work on their feeling-healing if that is what they want, but still they may need a lot of face-to-face help from professionals.

Many people may need other structures put in place within themselves so as to deal with the onrush of bad feelings, all before they are stable and confident enough to tackle going it alone doing their feeling-healing.

What I write about therapists is not meant to be seen that I hate therapists and advise against then. That’s not true. All I want to do is point out that there can be certain limitations with them, as there are within everything that’s functional in a negative state of mind and will. And in regards to uncovering the whole truth of yourself, there will come a point when you have to go it alone, and go deep down into all of your buried repressed feelings, all so you can find the whole truth of your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your parents.

When you are in a very bad state, with so many bad feelings swirling around within you, they can all jam up or you can break down with them, or you can even pretend that you don’t feel any at all, feeling good about yourself. And for such people professional help will probably be a good, if not an essential way of starting to bring some sort of order and rationality to what’s going on. But as to what sort of therapy might be good for you, that I can’t say. Personally I’m not interested in what sort of therapies exist. Fortunately I’ve been able to do my feeling-healing without such help, although, I admit I do have my own personal ongoing therapist in Marion, that which a true friend can become. Nor am I interested in any psychological techniques because they are all mostly only designed to help you cope better within your negative state, not helping to get you out of it. And as I said, this might be what you do initially need. But when you want to start healing your negative self and feeling-denial state of mind, then you will be entering into doing your feeling or soul-healing.

Why would you want to be a therapist?

Because it’s a way you can gain power.

Everything we do in our negative orientated mind and will lives is to gain power, an attempt to re-gain the power our parents deprived us of naturally feeling and expressing as we grew up.

Our parenting is mostly all negative, yet we call it loving. So much of it had a negative unloving effect on us as seen by our having repressed childhood feelings – our childhood repression. And yet we call it all love.

In our unloving states as we grew up we felt powerless many times. Just look at how parents treat their children – does the child have equal power with the adult? No, the whole thing about being a child, so we seem to believe, is that the child is inferior and can’t nor shouldn’t have equal power. And so by treating our children this way we make them feel powerless, we’re always de-powering them, always pulling the rug out from under them. We might try and pump them up in other ways, trying to make them feel all-powerful and loved, but it’s all too late, and all on a condition of previous powerlessness.

And as children we don’t want to feel powerless. We do all we can to gain power within our family, some people being more successful at it than others. Yet it’s still all ONLY a subset of our parents all-powerful dominion.

And so all we do as adults is done to try and maintain our false-power within our powerless states, within our negative condition. And so those people who feel they can help others by being a therapist really see being a therapist as their means of having power, of trying to make up some of their childhood power deficit. And it’s acceptable. Being a therapist is ‘good’, so we all say, it’s a good way to try and re-gain power. Whereas being a murder is bad, that is unacceptable and not the ‘right’ way to re-gain power. And the therapist is held in high esteem, they can actually help others to shed some of their feelings of powerlessness possibly helping or enabling them to find new ways of re-gaining some of their lost and denied power.

So is it good to seek to gain power by using others to do so? Or is it that we’re happy, or at least pretend we are happy, with the trade off. We allow the therapist to use us because we believe and feel we are getting something out of it, something that will eventually and hopefully make us feel more powerful and better about ourselves? And so, is it right that therapists say you must not attempt to do your childhood repression healing without their help, and if you do… look out, all manner of bad things might happen to you.

And yet don’t misunderstand me, I only want to point out the truth of such things as I have come to see them. And I also understand that within our fuckedness we do need help, and help from those who may be using us to gain power. But that’s how it is within the negative – it can’t be any other way. But in time as you progress in your feeling-healing, the truth will come and along with it your own feelings of power – true power. And so your need to be dependant on such help from anyone else will diminish, to one day, end, the day when your childhood repression healing is over and you no longer feel powerless and under the regime of your parents. And what a great day that will be!

When you leave your therapist, then the real work begins

When you leave your therapist and start working to find the truth of your childhood repression through your own daily bad feelings – then the real work begins.

You can only do so much with professional help. You can achieve a lot, but it will pale in comparison to what you’ll achieve when you finally start to go it alone.

You might even feel and believe you have fully healed yourself all thanks to the help from your therapist, but in that you’ll sadly be wrong. You will never completely heal yourself of ALL your childhood repression until you start to uncover the truth of it through all the bad feelings you are still denying.

Being with your therapist can certainly open up many hidden doors within you, and can expose and bring to light much pain and truth; and it may even enable you to feel good enough about yourself and your life to carry on pounding the treadmill, however it will be nothing like the doors that will open when you want to start looking into the truth of all you feel just in your daily life with your partner and friend.

You see, your whole childhood repression is all about you feeling powerless – your parents having treated you in such ways as to make you feel bad about yourself and your life. And the simple act of you going to your therapist, needing their help, confirms and is an expression of this. You are still needing the authority person to help tell you how to be and what to feel in life. Your therapist might not intrude on your self-expression when you are with them, they may be a good friend and helping witness, but still you are in the subservient position, still you are coming under their power and dominance. And the simple fact that they even want to be a therapist means they are using you, their client, to gain some of the power they feel they don’t have. So do you see, it’s not a balanced relationship you are having with then, and it never can be. And it’s still just the same as it was with your parents. You were not an equal person with then, nor are you an equal person with your therapist. But when you step away and face doing your childhood repression healing, as in through your feeling- or soul-healing, with no one other than your partner or equal friend to listen to your bad feeling expression, then you will no longer be in the lesser position, then you will no longer need to have the overshadowing of authority in your life. And then it’s all up to you – you have to find the truth of yourself within yourself all by yourself. And this can be very scary.

Many therapists themselves fear this. They say you can’t do your childhood repression feeling without them, without their support and wise guidance. But this is still just more of the same you got from your parents, them telling you the same things. All so you don’t leave them, all so you remain forever dependant on them, all so you are never free to fall down the holes in life for yourself if that is what is meant to happen.

And so whilst you’re under your therapists ‘wing’ you will limit your self- and feeling expression. You will never feel equal, and indeed be equal, free to slog it out with your partner and friend. Free to uncover the truth of your bad feelings all through the ongoing daily grind of everyday life. And this is what we all need to do, as it was during our early life grinding along with our parents that our childhood repression came about.

You can do all of your childhood repression healing without a therapist if that is what you feel you want to do. However, if this is too much and you need such professional help, then this is what you must do – you ALWAYS do what you feel you want to do. And once you are free enough to finally leave your therapist, then the real work can begin. Then you will be stepping out being your own therapist. Then you’ll be moving away from the control of your parents looking to freely control yourself.