I am in the womb, but they are not focused on me.

I don’t feel them wanting me, I don’t feel any love from them.

I am an inconvenience to her; I am something he rarely thinks about as he goes about trying to organise another business deal.  Having children to him is just what you do; having children to her is something that’s turning out to be a huge infringement in her life, something she would rather not do.

She is worried, scared: what if it doesn’t all go well, what if I am deformed in some way, what if something bad happens.  No one is there to reassure her as she doesn’t believe anything they say.  It’s all too real for her now, not just a nice idea.  And she lost her first one before it was born, and doesn’t want to lose this one.  She doesn’t want it, but doesn’t want to be seen or thought of as a failure by losing another – this one must survive.  She is clinging onto it.  She is rejecting it but making it also stay with her.  I feel very disturbed.  Very confused.  Does she want me or not?

I feel disconnected from her and him.  I want to belong, to be theirs, to come into their loving world, a loving extension of her loving womb, but the trouble is – I don’t feel loved.

So what am I to do?  I don’t want this life, I don’t want it to begin this way.  I want it to stop, but I am powerless to do anything, she has all the say, she is holding me in place – there is nothing I can do.

Oh what a horrible life it’s going to be.  To come into their relationship feeling unwanted, unwelcome, something that’s an imposition on them both.