I’m always stopped.

I am lying on the bed, I want to get off, I want to go over there.  But she doesn’t let me.  ‘Just stay there will you, don’t move, I have to change you’.

Everything I want to do, she stops me.  But it’s my life – why can’t I do in it what I want to do?  Why do I always have to do only what she wants me to do?  It’s so frustrating and I feel so angry.  But my anger doesn’t do anything for me, it only makes her yell at me more – control me more.

So I learn that being angry does nothing for me, only making me feel worse.  And it’s far better if I go the other way, so I copy and adopt their falseness.  I pretend, like they do, that I am a nice person, that I am kind and caring – even loving.  And I develop my false face, my false smile, and I lose myself to the fraud that I am.

And I will go out into the world with my mask on, pretending like everyone else.  And I will say ‘have nice day’ as if I care, knowing all a long I don’t care – not one little bit, just as they didn’t care one little bit for me.