Don’t you love me?

I hate you!  You’re a fucked mother.

Can’t you see, look at your little baby, not out of your womb for more than a few weeks and here it is alone, strapped into its artificial bed on top of a Safeway trolley, crying, while you, in no rush at all, get about unloading the trolley speaking to the check-out woman.

And it cries and cries.  Not too loudly, just enough for you to ignore it, and not so loud as to make you want to shut it up so it doesn’t annoy anyone – just more background noise.

I hate you mum for leaving me alone on top of that trolley.  You’re ignoring me when I want you the most.  I’m scared, alone, there is nothing in this artificial world that makes me feel good, and you’re treating me like I’m just part of the shopping.  Next you’ll put me in a bad along with the shopping and off we go home, to that sweet place where you can ignore me even more.

I have been in your womb these past months, doesn’t that mean anything to you, doesn’t it count for anything.  I want you, your warmth, your security, your undivided attention.  I want your love.  I don’t want to be treated like I’m a nuisance, something in the way disturbing your normal life.

I want to be the full centre of your attention.  I need to be, I want to be able to express myself to you, to feel you, for you to feel me and respond lovingly.

I need to be close to your heart, to hear that familiar beating, that which tells me everything is okay in my little world and I don’t need to worry.  But now I don’t know where you are, you’ve left me, and I’m all alone – how am I going to survive without you.

I feel so scared, why don’t you come to me when I cry.  Why aren’t you picking me up when I’m calling out to you, why don’t you want me?

Why don’t you like hearing the sound of me, the noises I make, my crying?  I want you, that is why I am crying, and yet you keep leaving me alone.  How can I grow up feeling secure and in command of myself and my life when already I feel neglected, unwanted and unloved?

You’re fucking me up mum, you bitch, you shit, you unloving fucking mother who is mine.  And nothing I do makes you change.  I get the message loud and clear: you don’t want to have a good loving and full relationship with me.  You don’t care about me and what I am feeling.  You only care about yourself.  Okay, so if that is how it is going to be, then kill me.  Leave me out in the cold night, let me go, I want to die, I don’t want to be with you.  I want to die and be with another mother, one who might love me, one in spirit or some place else, I don’t know where – anywhere but with you.

I want you to be with me, all the time, at least until I feel able to be by myself and show you, you don’t have to hold me every moment of the day.  But for now I need that, I need you close to me, I don’t want to be away from you for one second.  I need that secure foundation upon which to advance and grow in life; yet without it I am lost, I will not be able to remain true to myself.

Without your love and you wanting me, I am dying, dying before I have already begun.  I am losing myself, I won’t be able to fully come out into the world, into my life.  I’ll be a part-person, false and untrue.

I am hurting mum, don’t you care.  I am in pain, why do you think I’m crying.  I’m hungry for your milk, for your kind emotions, for your loving thoughts.  I’m hungry for you to love me – to love all of me and to love me always.

I want you mum, don’t let me go.