Feel unloved?

If you feel unloved, and you’d like to know why; if you’d like to find out why through your own feelings, then you may find here of some benefit.

Also, if you feel you have repressed memories, then doing your Feeling-Healing will help you liberate all the feelings associated with them, helping you to remember them.  About Feeling-Healing: here

I’m going back

Back to be the poor little me, the poor sad and lonely little person who felt unloved, unwanted and always so rejected.

I’m going back to the poor little me that got crunched.  Me that no one cared about, that didn’t matter in their lives; me who wasn’t considered, who mostly only received attention when ‘in the way’.

I’m going back to feel the truth of all I felt back then, all those horrible feelings I had to shut out and stop myself from feeling.

I’m going back, slowly descending through my feelings as the hidden and repressed ones surface within me.  They are taking me back.

And I remember.  I don’t remember so many pictures, but I remember the feelings.

I remember when I felt unloved.

I am going back to be the little me that I have forgotten about; the me I was made to hate; the me they didn’t like – the me I have tried to get rid of.

I’m going back to feel just how bad it was for me, to feel all those bad feelings that are slowly killing me – to feel all my pain.

I am going back to find myself, to re-connect, to join up with those lost parts of me – that me – I left behind.

I’m going back to be with the sad little me, and to finally allow myself to feel my sadness.  To feel just how sad I feel about it all.  To feel the trauma and tragedy of my life.  To feel the waste, the loss, the despair.

I’m gong back allowing myself to be how I am.  To be that bad boy they said I was, and to feel just how much they hurt me.

I am going back and I feel good about it.  I feel bad, but good about feeling bad.  And slowly I am starting to be with myself, ending the rift within me, joining up with the other part of me I fight as my enemy.

Finally I’m going back to accept myself as I feel, to love myself – to just be me.

LET ME OUT OF MY PUSHER!

Mother, father and the three boys, one of which is strapped into his pusher arrive at the rain forest fishing pool. The father and two boys busy themselves catching fish; the mother stands off to the side, the furthest away from the pusher she can be: watching the fishing. They were with me fishing for about twenty minutes.

During that whole time, no one in his family paid any attention to the little toddler boy strapped into the pusher. No one. It was appalling, he was totally ignored, as if he wasn’t there, as if he simply didn’t exist.

I took a dead fish over to see him. This occupied his attention enough to stop him struggling trying to get out of the pusher. I also gave him the two round smooth pieces of wood we use to kill the fish, he banged them together for a little while making a nice sound. No one in his family said anything or even bothered to look around at what I was doing with him or at what he was doing with the pieces of wood. He smiled for a short time playing his little tune.

Then it was time for them to go. The eldest boy had hardly spoken a word, the strapped in toddler hadn’t voiced his protest. The father made most of the noise pretending they were all having a great time, the mother looked on.

I am that toddler strapped in my pusher. I am beyond raising any protest, it gets me nowhere and only causes everyone to hate me more. I am parked behind my family watching them. I am watching my brother’s catching fish. I am watching my father saying, ‘boy’s do this, don’t do that, boy’s, boy’s, boy’s…’ I am watching my mother watching them, she doesn’t come near me, she only gives me the occasional glance. I look further over behind her and see the inviting looking large sand pit I’d like to play in. I look at the man who’s helping my family to catch their fish. He looks sad sad knowing I am trapped in my pusher, that I can’t get out, that life isn’t for me, that I will always be just looking on, that I’ll never feel apart of things, that it will be as if I don’t exist at all – or, that I am invisible. That I will always be watching others doing all the fun things.

I want to call out, but nothing comes. I want to cry feeling so unwanted, so unloved. I want them all to pay attention to me. I want to tell them how bad they are making me feel. I want them to know how they are ruining my life, before it’s even really got going.

I wish I could scream: LET ME OUT OF MY PUSHER!

How can I bring up my repressed memories?

Well, from my healing I do it by longing for the truth of myself, wanting to live true to my feelings. Wanting to be true.

But I can’t specifically bring up my repressed memories or feelings associated with them. I can want and long for them to come up within me, and this is very important to do, but other than that, I have no say or control in the matter.

It’s a process, I call it my Feeling-Healing. And I can’t determine the order or sequence it takes. My soul does that, and as is said, ‘the future is already written’. Mostly through my healing experience, I feel like I’m just being taken along for the ride, as unpleasant as it is.

And all I can do is long for the truth of why I am feeling bad and keep speaking to Marion about my bad feelings. Really my feelings, and speaking about them, are all I have, they are the ONLY part of me and my life that is real. There isn’t anything else I can do, other than just living what I feel as best and spontaneously as I can, but always with speaking about all I think and feel being the main and most important part.

If there are repressed memories that need to come up to help me uncover the truth of all I feel, I don’t have to worry, as they surface when I am ready for them.

I also read where some people are plagued by past memories surfacing uncontrollably, and in such instances, I would suggest speaking about all they are making you feel, every time you feel such feelings and in particular your bad ones; and long hard to see the truth of them.

I have found that I can’t make anything happen as far as my childhood repression healing goes. It’s hard enough trying to keep speaking about all my bad feelings as they surface. Especially as so many of them I am not even aware of that I have.

And what I have to try really hard not to do is put the brakes on by not speaking about them, thereby stalling my healing progress.

If you make a complete commitment to your childhood healing, making it the ONLY priority in your life, it will roll on with you struggling to keep up. And whether memories are to come up or not, all you will need to help stimulate your bad feelings and show you the truth will be presented to you. I am constantly astounded how the few real memories I do have keep providing me with pivotal points in my healing.

Bringing up repressed memories

In my Feeling-Healing, I use my current bad feeling – by expressing it – to take me back down into myself liberating other repressed feelings, which at times can bring to light a repressed memory.

However, the focus is ALWAYS on feeling-expression and NEVER just using my mind, or a mind technique, to probe and hunt around, speculate, even contrive, a repressed memory. And there is a great temptation to do this. Trying to go deep into yourself via your bad feelings is not a pleasant experience – it makes you feel very bad, yet that’s what it’s all about – allowing yourself to feel these bad feelings, ones you’ve been hiding from yourself, and not escaping from them using your mind.

To try and avoid feeling bad, using your mind to create answers, reasons why and explanations, by making up false memories, is fraught with danger. The danger being, that for the most part, you aren’t even aware you are doing it. A plausible memory surfaces, you grab it – that must be it, you tell yourself, it all makes sense, and you feel you have found the truth, but all you’ve succeeded in doing is further delude yourself, further avoiding and denying your bad feelings.

With feeling-healing you don’t look for the truth or hunt for any hidden memory. I was guilty of this, desperately scanning over and over my early memories hoping to force a crack or open a new window into my forgotten past, something that would explain my trauma. But I didn’t understand about just expressing – ALWAYS ONLY JUST SPEAKING ABOUT ALL I FELT. Always staying focused on my feelings, and then simply allowing what happens to happen. While all the time longing hard to find, see and know the truth; and being patient, understanding that the liberation of my buried feelings will tell the story of what happened to me. And with time the picture of truth forms and grows, but not all at once. I have had masses of repressed bad feelings surface about every part of my unloving childhood relationships, all slowly coming to light like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.

There has been a huge amount to see and comprehend. But my feeling-healing experiences have conclusively shown me that I MUST AT ALL TIMES keep my mind out of it, and always just keep focused on speaking about my feelings.

My mind, in a way, has become them – those who were against my natural self-expression. And so I only have my feelings to go with, and they have liberated many repressed feeling-memories.

At times, earlier in my childhood repression feeling-healing, a memory, or what I thought was one, would come into my mind, but I wouldn’t feel completely happy and certain about its authenticity. But I’d still use it, going with the feelings it stimulated in me, and usually, what could be years later having grown in other aspects of myself, that memory would come around again for more scrutiny and I would be able to detect its falseness, and so let it go. And it would evaporate, whereas all other true memories, no matter how much I tried to push them away, would remain firming in my feelings with increasing conviction of their truth.

During the early stages of my feeling-healing, a lot didn’t add up, but I just kept trying to speak about all I felt. Mind you, I was lousy at it, and it has only been thanks to Marion that I’ve made any headway, but now, years on, it is all coming together and making perfect sense.

Repressed Feelings – not repressed memories

As I read arguments for and against repressed memories, I look back over my childhood repression healing to see if I can say that I agree or disagree, and as far as I have read, all I can say is I can’t relate personally to much of it.

What I am focused on is trying to give voice to my repressed feelings, some of which have memories associated with them; some what I would call vague perceptions or impressions. At times I have felt as if I am on the verge of a profound forgotten memory surfacing, but often it doesn’t come, only the feelings. My mind tries in vain looking for memory pictures, as my feelings – that which are important – keep coming up. And I have found that it is only the feelings I require to connect with my past, so I speak and express them to uncover and bring to light their truth.  Often I have wished I could see a video of my early life, to see just how I was treated, but that’s not the way it’s done – it’s all feeling-healing.  To have too many visuals without direct feeling connection would only give my mind too much to hold onto, and inevitably deny the very feelings I am trying to bring up within me.

I do have some memories from my early childhood but not many. I wonder if my early childhood being devoid of memories is a sign of how miserable I felt back then with so little of it enjoyable for me. Too much of my childhood was overly dictated by my parents and grandmothers.  It didn’t make me feel good, so I have blocked it out.

I don’t have any memories of my time in the womb, or the early years after my birth, but my healing has given rise to many feelings and perceptions about those times giving me something of an awareness which I feel to be true. And these feelings, perceptions, and their associated awareness they create in me, have been substantiated over and over by other feelings and perceptions all adding up to the picture of truth my soul is revealing to me. And all the way along my feelings tell me that all I am uncovering and seeing about myself is true – because I FEEL it to be so. It all feels too familiar and explains too many things I have always wondered about myself and my life. All I feel-see, feel-perceive and feel-remember fits, and sadly enough, it’s a perfect fit.

As I move back into my repressed feelings I feel they were mostly repressed by me without any conscious action on my part. I might have suppressed actively and with awareness some of my bad feelings as I grew older, as my mind took over dominating my feelings, but still I can’t say for sure, as my feelings haven’t been too clear on that. And really it doesn’t matter, because whether I suppressed them consciously or they were repressed automatically and unconsciously in me for self-protection, what has become apparent is the extent of which I wasn’t allowed to freely express my feelings right from the first moment of my conception. And being stopped from being allowed to be my true self, from being able to truly and fully express in whatever way I felt, has caused the greatest amount of damage to me. And that is why speaking and expressing my repressed feelings as they surface during my feeling-healing is vitally important, as it is me finally liberating myself from my forced suppression and repression.

As to whether or not we have feelings and memories, and do need to express ourselves, right from our very beginning, I would have to yes. But feeling-memories I have brought to light from my earliest times are not clear feelings and memories like I have now, but that too doesn’t matter, because I now understand that my soul has taken the light from such early experiences, and when I need to feel such repressed and hidden feelings, it presents them back to me as feelings I can relate to as an adult. So my feeling-healing is literally taking me as the adult back through me as the child so I am able to feel and understand, so find the truth of, feelings I had back then. I am able to take the trauma of rejection I suffered by not being loved by my parents as I wanted and needed to be, and articulate it now as a grown man, by feeling that the feelings I feel now in my life are the same as those I felt back when I was small. The whole connection between the present and past being conducted by and through feelings, and really without the need for memories at all.

All I mostly have dealt with is feeling-memories. I had one this morning. A dream, as I recounted it and all I felt during and after it to Marion, helped me to feel, yet again, how interfered with by mum and my grandmother I was. I felt so angry, and full of anxiety, nervousness and stress in just being with mum, she wasn’t a calm rational mother, and her jarring impact on me was shown to me in the dream. So I then used these bad feelings to feel-remember times when I was young, when I felt these same feelings. The memories, although vague, were not important, as it was the feelings, remembering that I felt all these bad feelings time and time again during my early childhood, that was. And as I connected the feeling now with then it gave me another feeling like I was waking up, waking up in understanding and awareness – remembering – that my relationship with them was as I was remembering it. That all I was feeling was correct, it was absolutely true and right. They did constantly make me feel this bad, yet I had forgotten. Now I remember the feelings, all the bad feelings, and as I expressed them speaking about them, other bad feelings surfaced until I saw the truth of what they were all trying to show me. The truth I won’t go into here, as it was too personal and I’d have to write about my whole relationship with mum and Gran, of which there is no point; but when the truth came, then I felt as I always do, as if another buried and dead part of me had come up, had stepped forward into life to have its say. And mostly that say was standing up to them being able to say no. No, I don’t want nor accept how you treat me. It doesn’t make me feel good. It is not loving and I hate you for treating me this way.

I could say that, as I feel a bad feeling now, and also feel it connecting with the same bad feeling I felt when young, that there is something of memory involved, but really it only serves to assure me that the connection is truly being made, that I’m on the right track in my feelings, and what I am feeling is real and I’m not just making it up.

The difficult part about my feeling-healing has been trying to keep my mind out of it. So often it wants to jump in and take over. It wants me to push the feelings I am feeling aside and for me to then listen to it. It wants to tell me the reasons – to rationalise and justify – why I feel bad, in the hope that I will give over and listen to it, and so do as it says thereby stopping myself from feeling bad. And many times it tries to seduce me with false promises, that if I do the pain will go away, the bad feeling will no longer hurt me and make me feel bad. But luckily with Marion’s help, I have been able to understand my mind behaves like this, it being really all my parents and grandparents said to me when I was little to stop me feeling bad, and so I have been able to stop its negative influence allowing my feelings to finally have their say.

The beauty of the whole process is that because I am determined to uncover, see and understand the whole truth of myself, all that went on between me and my parents that made me feel bad; all that brought about my childhood repression, that I need only concentrate on my feelings. And in fact for the process, for the feeling-healing to work, it is vital I do so. I don’t allow my mind to start looking back into my past trying to find reasons why I feel bad. I always stay focused, well at least try to, on speaking about my feelings and FEELING them. Feeling them and desiring nothing more than the truth – and the truth comes. And this is the miraculous part. Seemingly out of nowhere suddenly there it is, I see it, it comes up in me, and I become consciously aware and it tells me all I need to know - the truth bubbles up and I KNOW. My mind then comes in and helps put it all together, as I speak about what I see and feel. When I see the truth, I JUST KNOW IT IS TRUE AND THERE IS NO DISPUTE. And because of this I also know that in no way am I making it up. I know I am not lying to myself. I feel it is all true with all my heart – with my whole being and all my feelings. And as I progress through the levels it compounds, building on itself as the picture of understanding grows in me. And how wonderful it is to have the picture of truth – the truth of myself, what it all means to me, and finally an explanation to all those parts of myself I didn’t understand; and reasons why I felt all those bad feelings that would assail me for seemingly no reason. Everything begins to make sense. And I have changed my life, giving up all the things I do, believe, and how I behave, that caused my feeling denial. And gradually I’ve felt so much better about myself. I feel that now I am on my side and no longer on the side of my parents against myself.  And I have done it all through feelings – my feelings.

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