As I read arguments for and against repressed memories, I look back over my childhood repression healing to see if I can say that I agree or disagree, and as far as I have read, all I can say is I can’t relate personally to much of it.
What I am focused on is trying to give voice to my repressed feelings, some of which have memories associated with them; some what I would call vague perceptions or impressions. At times I have felt as if I am on the verge of a profound forgotten memory surfacing, but often it doesn’t come, only the feelings. My mind tries in vain looking for memory pictures, as my feelings – that which are important – keep coming up. And I have found that it is only the feelings I require to connect with my past, so I speak and express them to uncover and bring to light their truth. Often I have wished I could see a video of my early life, to see just how I was treated, but that’s not the way it’s done – it’s all feeling-healing. To have too many visuals without direct feeling connection would only give my mind too much to hold onto, and inevitably deny the very feelings I am trying to bring up within me.
I do have some memories from my early childhood but not many. I wonder if my early childhood being devoid of memories is a sign of how miserable I felt back then with so little of it enjoyable for me. Too much of my childhood was overly dictated by my parents and grandmothers. It didn’t make me feel good, so I have blocked it out.
I don’t have any memories of my time in the womb, or the early years after my birth, but my healing has given rise to many feelings and perceptions about those times giving me something of an awareness which I feel to be true. And these feelings, perceptions, and their associated awareness they create in me, have been substantiated over and over by other feelings and perceptions all adding up to the picture of truth my soul is revealing to me. And all the way along my feelings tell me that all I am uncovering and seeing about myself is true – because I FEEL it to be so. It all feels too familiar and explains too many things I have always wondered about myself and my life. All I feel-see, feel-perceive and feel-remember fits, and sadly enough, it’s a perfect fit.
As I move back into my repressed feelings I feel they were mostly repressed by me without any conscious action on my part. I might have suppressed actively and with awareness some of my bad feelings as I grew older, as my mind took over dominating my feelings, but still I can’t say for sure, as my feelings haven’t been too clear on that. And really it doesn’t matter, because whether I suppressed them consciously or they were repressed automatically and unconsciously in me for self-protection, what has become apparent is the extent of which I wasn’t allowed to freely express my feelings right from the first moment of my conception. And being stopped from being allowed to be my true self, from being able to truly and fully express in whatever way I felt, has caused the greatest amount of damage to me. And that is why speaking and expressing my repressed feelings as they surface during my feeling-healing is vitally important, as it is me finally liberating myself from my forced suppression and repression.
As to whether or not we have feelings and memories, and do need to express ourselves, right from our very beginning, I would have to yes. But feeling-memories I have brought to light from my earliest times are not clear feelings and memories like I have now, but that too doesn’t matter, because I now understand that my soul has taken the light from such early experiences, and when I need to feel such repressed and hidden feelings, it presents them back to me as feelings I can relate to as an adult. So my feeling-healing is literally taking me as the adult back through me as the child so I am able to feel and understand, so find the truth of, feelings I had back then. I am able to take the trauma of rejection I suffered by not being loved by my parents as I wanted and needed to be, and articulate it now as a grown man, by feeling that the feelings I feel now in my life are the same as those I felt back when I was small. The whole connection between the present and past being conducted by and through feelings, and really without the need for memories at all.
All I mostly have dealt with is feeling-memories. I had one this morning. A dream, as I recounted it and all I felt during and after it to Marion, helped me to feel, yet again, how interfered with by mum and my grandmother I was. I felt so angry, and full of anxiety, nervousness and stress in just being with mum, she wasn’t a calm rational mother, and her jarring impact on me was shown to me in the dream. So I then used these bad feelings to feel-remember times when I was young, when I felt these same feelings. The memories, although vague, were not important, as it was the feelings, remembering that I felt all these bad feelings time and time again during my early childhood, that was. And as I connected the feeling now with then it gave me another feeling like I was waking up, waking up in understanding and awareness – remembering – that my relationship with them was as I was remembering it. That all I was feeling was correct, it was absolutely true and right. They did constantly make me feel this bad, yet I had forgotten. Now I remember the feelings, all the bad feelings, and as I expressed them speaking about them, other bad feelings surfaced until I saw the truth of what they were all trying to show me. The truth I won’t go into here, as it was too personal and I’d have to write about my whole relationship with mum and Gran, of which there is no point; but when the truth came, then I felt as I always do, as if another buried and dead part of me had come up, had stepped forward into life to have its say. And mostly that say was standing up to them being able to say no. No, I don’t want nor accept how you treat me. It doesn’t make me feel good. It is not loving and I hate you for treating me this way.
I could say that, as I feel a bad feeling now, and also feel it connecting with the same bad feeling I felt when young, that there is something of memory involved, but really it only serves to assure me that the connection is truly being made, that I’m on the right track in my feelings, and what I am feeling is real and I’m not just making it up.
The difficult part about my feeling-healing has been trying to keep my mind out of it. So often it wants to jump in and take over. It wants me to push the feelings I am feeling aside and for me to then listen to it. It wants to tell me the reasons – to rationalise and justify – why I feel bad, in the hope that I will give over and listen to it, and so do as it says thereby stopping myself from feeling bad. And many times it tries to seduce me with false promises, that if I do the pain will go away, the bad feeling will no longer hurt me and make me feel bad. But luckily with Marion’s help, I have been able to understand my mind behaves like this, it being really all my parents and grandparents said to me when I was little to stop me feeling bad, and so I have been able to stop its negative influence allowing my feelings to finally have their say.
The beauty of the whole process is that because I am determined to uncover, see and understand the whole truth of myself, all that went on between me and my parents that made me feel bad; all that brought about my childhood repression, that I need only concentrate on my feelings. And in fact for the process, for the feeling-healing to work, it is vital I do so. I don’t allow my mind to start looking back into my past trying to find reasons why I feel bad. I always stay focused, well at least try to, on speaking about my feelings and FEELING them. Feeling them and desiring nothing more than the truth – and the truth comes. And this is the miraculous part. Seemingly out of nowhere suddenly there it is, I see it, it comes up in me, and I become consciously aware and it tells me all I need to know - the truth bubbles up and I KNOW. My mind then comes in and helps put it all together, as I speak about what I see and feel. When I see the truth, I JUST KNOW IT IS TRUE AND THERE IS NO DISPUTE. And because of this I also know that in no way am I making it up. I know I am not lying to myself. I feel it is all true with all my heart – with my whole being and all my feelings. And as I progress through the levels it compounds, building on itself as the picture of understanding grows in me. And how wonderful it is to have the picture of truth – the truth of myself, what it all means to me, and finally an explanation to all those parts of myself I didn’t understand; and reasons why I felt all those bad feelings that would assail me for seemingly no reason. Everything begins to make sense. And I have changed my life, giving up all the things I do, believe, and how I behave, that caused my feeling denial. And gradually I’ve felt so much better about myself. I feel that now I am on my side and no longer on the side of my parents against myself. And I have done it all through feelings – my feelings.