Deluding yourself with meditation?

So you sit on your bum and meditate. For moments, minutes, hours – even days, do you meditate. And for what purpose? Enlightenment? Transcendence? Higher knowledge? Wisdom, peace, bliss? Clarity of mind, stress release, relaxation and enjoyment? Or, just to escape?

And do you look at a blank dark screen in your mind, or do you allow pictures to flow, perhaps ‘inner’ voices speak to you and you to them; or is it that you just go in and in and down or up or wherever it is you go as you move into your altered state of mind? Or is it that you say that special and secret word, make a ‘vibration’, contemplate the meaning of…

And what really are you doing it all for?

And the answer is: to make yourself feel better.

And why do you want to make yourself feel better?

Because you feel bad.

And what is it about feeling bad that you don’t like? It’s feeling BAD.

So what you are really doing is doing all you can to stop yourself from feeling bad – right?

However you are not dealing with the deep underlying problems that are making you feel bad in the first place, all the yuk from your childhood repression. Because if you were, then there’d be no way you could sit on your bum in a mind altered state. Your bad feelings would be intruding too heavily pushing you to accept, express and seek the truth of the them.

And it’s this intrusion, the intrusion on your life by feeling bad that you hate and want to get rid of. Which really is the intrusion into your life from your parents, as they are whom made you feel bad in the first place causing your childhood repression and all you want to run away from.

So really you’re out there or ‘in there’ doing all you can to block out and escape from the intrusion of your parents. And so there we have it. Do you see – it’s the Great Truth! And it’s that you are doing your mediation (or prayers), you are involved in your spiritual (or religious) practice, solely to avoid your parents, all because they and their unloving and negative influences are still very much ‘alive’ and affecting you. Because if they weren’t you’d have no repressed childhood yuk within you and you wouldn’t be feeling bad.

And so you wouldn’t need to do what you’re doing trying to feel good. Your spiritual or religious practices would be for you to seriously grow in truth, helping you uncover the truth of yourself through your feelings, and not using them to run away from your bad feelings as fast are your meditation or prayer will take you. So your spiritual or religious system wouldn’t exist as it is. And so I’m afraid to say, all that you are doing is just fantasy, helping you to further your self-indulgent negative mind and will state.

Parenting techniques

I am not a parent. So many people would no doubt say that I have therefore no authority to comment on parenting, as it’s all very different when you have your own child. But I don’t care about that.

At times my parents tried to use various techniques on me, some gave them more power over me, some less. They all helped to fuck me up more.

As I read the latest techniques going around I know it will be the same for those parents using them, some will feel the techniques are helping them with their children, some not, and all will be helping to further fuck up their children.

What I do want to point out is that if any sort of technique or controlling discipline is required, then the parent has already gone way too far over the line. Their child is already way too fucked up. And the parents are way too fucked up from their early childhood being in a position to even consider using such things.

The whole idea of ‘good parenting’, using endless tips and tools, endless suggestions, endless ways to try and get what you want being the parent, only reflects all I am talking about in my posts: that we don’t love our children truly, that we only parent for control and power using our children to gain it, and all because we were made to feel so powerless by our parents. It all simply reflects the negative condition we’ve all had imposed, one way or another, on us.

Perfect loving parents will have no need to use a technique. They will simply parent with their feelings. And as their feelings will be a result of their living true, then they will always do perfectly what is needed ensuring their child will only ever feel fully loved by them.

To approach parenting from the point of view of having to work out the best or better ways of doing it with your mind is doing exactly what you’re parents have forced you to do – go against your feelings using your mind to control and dominate yourself and others. And this can only be self-rejecting, unfeeling and unloving, that which you are imposing on your child.

What I want to try and show is that the problem is much larger than trying to impose a couple of good helpful parenting techniques on your child all so you can get on and achieve all you believe is good in your life, all so you can have a more ‘loving’ and ‘harmonious’ relationship with your child. However, if this is what you want, then why not. But it’s not better parenting, it will still be fucking up your child, only in a different way. It will still be only adding to the damage already done, even if it seems like on the surface things are going along a lot smoother.

I want to point out that parenting as we know it is wrong, meaning it has an adverse and unloving affect upon the child. How we do ANY of it is wrong. And it’s all wrong because we’re doing it within self-denying negative states of being. And it’s this negative condition that we have to heal, and until we do, we’ll only be forever going around in circles, forever coming up with yet more ‘better’ ways to parent.

The bottom – feeling – line, and love.

I’m writing for the bottom line. I firmly believe that we’re all living in a negative state of mind and will that we have been made to deny – deny all the bad feelings it makes us feel – resulting in our childhood repression.

When I say we all hate each other, that no one is loved by their family or parents; that no one truly loves their family or parents; that no one feels loved and is loving, I am speaking about how you feel when you are in the throws of your deep repressed bad feelings coming up as you seek to accept, express and uncover the truth of them. When you feel so bad, these statements become true – you feel them.

However when you’re not feeling so bad you might not feel such things so deeply, truly or excruciatingly painfully. You might feel love, for yourself, others, your parents and your family. You might not hate them or anyone. You might not even hate yourself. And you may even feel relatively okay about yourself and your life. And you may feel that all I say is too extreme and doesn’t really apply to you, that I’m way too far off track and full of shit.

But then when you’re plunged back down into your unloving bad feeling self-denying state, you might find you start to agree with me again. And this is how it may progress through your feeling-healing.

And you may, and I would think you should, wrestle intensely with the notion of love: what is it, am I loved, do I feel loved, do I love? And you might struggle with this all the way through your healing. I know I have and I still am.

But overall, no matter what you see and feel the truth of yourself to be, until you’ve finished ALL of your healing, still some part of you will be existing in an unloving self-denying self-rejecting negative state. And so when you are back in this part of yourself, even if it’s very small, you’ll feel the worst of the worst. And for this state, when you are right in it, right in the worst of your bad feelings, I am writing to you. I want to try and share and appeal to you on this bottom line state as that is where your pain is, and really, that is all that matters. If you feel better and loved and even loving in other parts of yourself, well, they can take care of themselves. You can express them as you feel them. But it’s the really deep ugly stuff you don’t want to feel or accept about yourself that you will need some sort of help with, and that’s what I want to do. To say to you, yes, in my small way, possibly I know something of how you’re feeling. To be possibly something of a small friend in your time of need, during your worst feelings about yourself. To be able to say to you: I understand.

So that’s why I’m trying to go for it, to not hold back, to not try and soften the blow. To push the truth up into your face. I don’t want to try and sweet talk it to you, saying: oh you do love yourself and your family and parents and they do love you, you did have some good times together. And so you may feel (within the context of the negative) loved by them and do love them, but still the fact remains that somewhere within you you’ll still be feeling bad, and it’s this pain that needs attention from you, needing to be brought out. And it’s in that pain I hope to meet you. I can’t be there in person but perhaps I can in ’spirit’, empathising with you and all you are suffering. I can’t of course know exactly what you are feeling or how bad you do feel in your suffering and misery, but I do know how bad I’ve felt in mine.

And it’s all because it is all about your negative state, and until that’s all healed, so what if you feel loved, when some part of you is feeling rejected, unwanted, unhappy and unloved. It’s the bad stuff we all want to get rid of.

So do we feel loved or not? And that is something you will have to work out for yourself through your healing. I have worked it out for myself but I am not you. I am only writing about me – how I see and feel about things. As to whether you’ll end up agreeing with me I can’t say. And it’s not for me to say.

And within our negative states, yes of course we feel ‘loved’. I loved my little cat and she made me feel loved. I love Marion and she makes me feel loved. And on my good days I feel good – even really good. And I feel loved and loving. However, I still know that whilst I have repressed childhood yuk within me, it’s still all within this context, and so is only relative to all I have experienced so far in my negative life. So all I call my feelings of love are still being conditioned and tainted by my self- and feeling-denial state. As to what love might feel like when I am fully healed, I have no idea. I can’t even begin to speculate on it. However, I do look forward to seeing what it’s like – what it feels like.

But what if your partner doesn’t want to be your true friend?

What if you want to do your childhood repression healing, by speaking about all your bad feelings so you can uncover the truth of them, but your partner doesn’t want to listen to all your yuk? What do you do? What can you do?

What do you do when you feel really bad and they are not there for you? Not there for you to tell them how bad you feel? What do you do when they say, yes tell me, but no sooner than you’ve started and they are trying to stop you speaking about your bad feelings, trying to shut you up, or tell you that there is something wrong with you for feeling that way?

What do you do when you agreed to listen to each other, but he or she doesn’t speak about his or her bad feelings whereas it’s all you want to do?

It’s terrible having to be faced with the reality that you are not friends, not truly there for each other, not willing to listen to each others bad feelings. It’s not good having to face the fact that if your partner doesn’t want to listen to you, and share his or her bad feelings, then what are you doing together? And what if this realisation starts to come and you have little children, a mortgage on the house and grandparents that would be heartbroken if suddenly they couldn’t see the children?

What do you do as the hopelessness of your relationship dawns on you? The honeymoon period definitely a long all but forgotten memory, the day to day drudge almost to much to bear.

And all you can do is speak – talk about all your bad feelings. All your worries, fears, anger, doubts, concerns, problems, talk about all the bad stuff.

Talk about it all with your partner (the best you can), with other friends, a therapist, with God, but talk about it all wanting to uncover the truth of why you are in this situation, why is it happening to you. And how does it all relate to your early childhood and your relationship with your parents and carers. You don’t have to immediately leave your partner, as you can use the opportunity to uncover the truth of why you are feeling all you are feeling – what is it all about. Your relationship is making you feel bad, so there you have a good source of continual bad feelings to speak about and express and to long for the truth of.

And if your partner does want to listen to you, but can’t because of all the blocks in them from their early childhood, then this is where they can start by speaking about all their bad feelings – about not being able to do it but wanting to. They have to understand the value and reason for speaking about how bad they feel – all their worries, fears, doubts, anger, frustration, and even if it’s bad things about each other, it all has to come up and out.

And speaking about all you feel can only have a good effect on your relationship. It will either show you that there is some hope bringing you both closer, or it will show you there isn’t any, and as hard as it might be, separation must occur. But to not speak about it, you’ll never know, with it all going around and around, pent up inside you, slowly driving you mad and making you sick. With it all having desire adverse unloving affects upon your children if you have them.

Our loving families

Consider this: as we are all conceived into a negative self-denying state, we’re all full of childhood repression.

If you don’t believe or feel you have repressed childhood feelings within you, I understand, because before I started to do my feeling-healing I didn’t think I had any in me either.

Now, hands up who would say they come from a loving family? Hands up who don’t feel their family was loving? And you’d probably suspect the show of hands would be in the majority – possibly overwhelming – with most people showing they had and have a loving family. And those people would feel good about their family – right? Of course they would or they wouldn’t have put their hands up – would they?

Okay, so back to the beginning. You have repressed childhood feelings within you. You feel bad in some way, you don’t feel your life is what you want it to be, possibly you have some trauma from your early childhood you’re working on. But still you put your hand up to say you have a loving family.

But don’t you think something is wrong here? Doesn’t it seem strange that you say you have or had a loving family and yet you don’t feel good – that you are full of repressed bad childhood feelings? And that you are denying so many bad feelings all because you are afraid of the truth you might see about the relationships you had in your early life if you allowed yourself to feel them. And what is this truth you are so afraid of? What really is going on deeper within you? So let me ask you, seriously, what was or is so good about your family?

Do you see, do you get it? You CAN’T have had a good loving family experience, at least not as you want to believe it was. If you did you wouldn’t be full of childhood repression. You are living in a fantasy about your family. Your family IS THE DIRECT CAUSE AND ONLY CAUSE OF YOUR CHILDHOOD REPRESSIOIN. It, your parents, and possibly other members in your family, fucked you up. The mess you are in, why you feel so bad, is because of them – BECAUSE OF YOUR FAMILY!

So let’s have another show of hands. Who now feels they have or had a loving family? Can you feel the anguish in you? You want to say yes, but you now know it’s not what you thought it to be. It’s really a NO. But it’s a hard struggle to accept it. You don’t want to accept it. You don’t want to face the truth of it. And hey, that’s okay. Nothing bad is going to happen to you if you don’t, the bad has ALREADY happened to you – IT HAPPENED WITHIN YOUR OWN FAMILY.

We hold up and cherish the family more than any other institution. If the family fails, then it’s all over, we’re fucked, we may as well hand in our shoes and socks and piss off never to return again. What is the point if the family is bad? What can you have in life if you don’t have a sound and secure loving family, a place you can go back to when all else fails? What are you faced with when your one and only safe haven is shown up to be evil, the very horror you fear so much, the very torture chamber you grew up in?

And it is. That’s the sickening truth. The FAMILY is rotten to the core. It is the source of all your problems – all our problems. We uphold all the great family values, such as: not loving each other truly; stopping the child express itself freely; filling us full of childhood repression; believing we’d rather die for our family than say a bad word against it; pretending we feel loved when deeper within us the truth is we don’t feel loved – or not at least as how we needed to feel; ensuring it’s all not what it seems – keeping up the front and maintaining the show.

We go on protecting our parents like faithful morons, protecting the very people who’ve fucked us up. It was not their fault, we say and convince ourselves, our parents loved us and were faultless; it was our fault – the child is always to blame! We shouldn’t have behaved as badly as we did. We are to blame, we gave them too much of a hard time. We EXCUSE THEM. We excuse the family. And we go on pretending in the world we’re all one big happy family, but we’re not. The truth is we all hate each other, just as we all hated each other in our family.

But to come clean is a tough call. Who wants to smash their false loving beliefs about their family apart? Who wants to turn their back on the very EVIL ONES that have caused their childhood repression?

Yet that is what you face if you seriously want to heal all of your negative self-denial unloving state of mind and will. That’s what you’re going to have to do if you seriously want to heal all of your childhood repression.

IT’S MY TURN NOW!

I had to obey my parents – NOW YOU HAVE TO OBEY ME! And you just have to, because I say. I don’t need a reason, I don’t need to justify it, I don’t need to tell you why – YOU JUST DO! You do because I say so – AND THAT IS ENOUGH! I am the parent now, you are not, you are the child – I HAVE THE POWER. You do not.

When I was a child they had power over me. They made me feel powerless. I was powerless. I had no say – no say in my own life. They had all the say and I had to obey. The were BIG, I was small, and that was enough. What could I do? Nothing. And I hated it. I hated them. I hated how they treated me – their own child.

And I wanted to smash them. I wanted to scream and yell and make them stop. I tried but it did me no good. But I still wanted to and still do want to even though I had to bury and repress such bad feelings. I want to rage. I want to tell them how much they have hurt me. I want to tell them how much I feel unloved by them – my own parents.

I want to smash my anger and rage all over them, but I can’t. So what can I do with it all? I look around to dump it on someone else. Someone lesser than I. And I find that person – my own child. And I breathe a sigh of relief as finally, FINALLY, there is someone I have power over. Finally I can make someone do what I want. Finally I can make them be how I want them to be. Finally I am BIG and they are small. And they don’t get a say. They can protest and try to resist all they want but it won’t get them anywhere. Because I am the strong one and they are weak. They loose; I win. And I feel good. I can even say to them: I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. And they can’t say anything other than they love me too more than anything in the world, because if they don’t say it, I’ll smash them. And they know it. I’ve done it plenty of times before.

My parents made me feel bad, so I want to make someone or something else feel bad, even if I do it in my imagination. I can’t make them feel bad, I am too powerless with them to do that – they had all the power. But I can make someone or something else that is not them feel bad. And that is how it is meant to be – isn’t it? Isn’t it what they taught me? Isn’t it how we are meant to live our lives? When it’s our turn, when we’ve grown up, then we can be the boss, then we can do all we want, then no one can tell us NO! STOP THAT! and stop us. Then we are free. And we all want to be free – RIGHT!

Free to finally make another person or creature feel bad. And it’s so easy to do. Just have a child, it couldn’t be easier…

Completely healing your childhood trauma – any trauma

It’s the same for any trauma – there is only one way to heal it, and that’s to speak about all it makes you feel.

There isn’t much else you can do once the physical healing has been done other than speak about all your bad feelings. With any trauma, the greatest part is the emotional, mental, spiritual and psychic (etheric) pain one experiences, that which can remain forever if nothing is done about it. And what can you do? Speak about it, about all you’re feeling about it. And keep on speaking about it until there is simply no more to speak about. Something which can possibly take years to do.  If you don’t speak about it, it will fester away inside you until such pain builds forcing you to one day break and speak about it.

So you decide that the only way you’re going to heal all you’ve suffered is to speak about every bad feeling that comes up to do with it. And so naturally you’ll need someone to speak to – a friend. And a willing friend, someone who wants to hear about all your suffering. But what do you do when you don’t have such a person in your life? All you can do it want such a person, and think and feel and in some way try to express all you feel about it, about not having such a person. And one day I’d like to imagine there will be volunteer ‘friends’, people willing and wanting to listen. But in the meantime, I guess you’ll just have to do the best you can, using professional counsellors and therapists if you afford them. And although writing about all you feel is a poor alternative, I find it a great help in allowing me to accept all I feel and not push the bad feelings aside so easily. But at some stage, you’ve got to speak about all you feel.

You need a lot of help, and it’s going to take a long time, and there will be lots to speak about. A hell of a lot. And if your traumas are from your early childhood, then there will be a huge amount of hidden repressed bad feelings all of which will have to come out if you want to heal it all.

But where do you begin, as you can’t just say, right, today I will speak about my early childhood trauma and how bad I feel about it all, and there it all is, all the bad feelings ready and waiting for you to start talking about them. But there will be some bad feelings associated with it, so this is where you begin, you start talking about them.

And you start talking about them in a meaningful way. You speak about seriously wanting to find out and understand all about your pain: why you are suffering, why it was done to you, and how it all came about. You talk about it desiring – longing – to know ALL about it – the whole TRUTH of it.

So you now have a purpose to speak about your pain and bad feelings. You have a goal, something to aim for: the truth of what happened to you. It’s not enough to just say, I want to talk about it so I can heal it. The uncovering of and finding out about the truth of it all IS the healing.

The healing is done, and the pain will leave you, ONLY WHEN YOU FIND THE TRUTH OF WHAT IS CAUSING THE PAIN.

And to find the truth you will need to speak about every little aspect of it. And to do this you will have to pay attention to all your bad feelings and speak about them all as you feel them.

Your bad feelings are your way into the truth – into the TRUTH OF YOURSELF.

And to want to uncover the truth of yourself means you might have to face some tough, ugly, stuff about yourself and your relationship with your parents or early carers who have traumatised you. But you just have to keep speaking about it all – all the bad feelings. And the deeper and more significant your trauma, the longer and the more bad feelings hidden away inside you there will be waiting to come out.

And in a way, having a trauma that keeps making you feel bad, that unhinges you keeping you from so-called normal life, can even be seen as a good thing, as it will give you a specific focus and way into your past, allowing you to uncover the truth of your pain, evolve your conscious awareness of yourself and the truth of your early relationships. For people who don’t have such ongoing pain gnawing away at them, who believe they are relatively okay in life, it will be much harder to go back into their early childhood and see what terrors they are covering up.  And the terrors will be there even though they might not feel traumatised.

And how you speak about your bad feelings matters too.

You need to express them by really putting yourself in them and trying to allow ‘them’ to speak. You try to emote the pain, you try to allow the pain to express itself, to come out and put itself into words. As you speak you focus on nothing other than your bad feelings, you let them consume you, you BE them, you submit to them, you sink into them, or bring them up all around and in you. (And if you are worried that your horrible feelings will overwhelm you, destroy you, sending you into madness if you finally let go, so long as you’re speaking about all such fears, and always longing to uncover the truth of them, as hard as it will be, you will be okay.) And you use your feeling expression to block out your mind, to stop all thoughts and any justifications or rationalisations you might have that your mind presents to you trying to stop you feel and speak about your bad feelings.

If you commit yourself to speaking about all the bad feelings you feel related to your trauma, life will present you with all the opportunities you’ll need to stir up your hidden bad feelings, all so you can express them.

The uncovering of the truth of your trauma to heal it, is a whole journey in and of itself, as those who have done it will testify. It’s not like taking a pill and the pain magically goes away. It’s a laborious process because it involves all aspects of yourself, namely the many beliefs and behaviours all of which constitute the fabric of your being. You suffered a lot of pain and bad feeling as the trauma happened, and it might have happened over years, so you have formed about it, it is a part of you. So to go back into it, to unwind and bring to light your relationship with it, is going to be very challenging as your bad feelings take you into looking at all the negative ‘circuitry’ within you. And to ‘reprogram’ yourself will be very hard, but will naturally occur (you won’t have to do anything with your mind to make it happen) as the truth is revealed.

And mostly it’s a highly personal journey, one another person can’t understand or fully relate to because they didn’t experience your trauma. So you will feel very alone at times, but such feelings are yet more bad feelings to speak about, and so on it goes, endlessly speaking about your bad feelings.

But what else can you do?

Never underestimate the importance of speaking about how bad you feel. It is the way and the key to help and heal yourself. And it’s the only thing you’ve got that you can do to help yourself.  Speak!

Did you grow up on good feelings?

We are supposed to grow up feeling good. Filled up with good feelings. Year and years of our formation built upon feeling good.

And yet look at how we form: subjected to endless bad feelings.

How many bad feelings where you subjected to in the womb? How many did you feel yourself? How many bad feelings where you made to feel as a baby? How many bad feelings were you made to suffer the agony of as a young infant? How many bad feelings traumatised you as a little person? How many times did you feel, unwanted, unloved, rejected? How many times did you feel shame, guilt, humiliation, ridicule, angry done to you by your ‘loving’ parents? How many times were you made to feel you have no rights, you are powerless, you are weak, you are nobody, nothing? How many times did you feel like no one wanted you, you were just a waste of space?

And all of these times sapped you of your vital life force, making you call upon extra energy you couldn’t afford to use.

All of these times have made you loose your true self, making your mind take over from your natural feeling-inspiration fabricating a false untrue you – the front you put on for the world. The front that says: I’m okay.

As adults we coach our sporting teams on positive affirmation. We pump up the players on ‘feel-good’ mind rubbish, so we can delude ourselves even more that we are GOOD. That we are THE BEST. That we are THE GREATEST. That we FEEL GREAT! And out we go to perform, to compete, to win. Out we go soaring to great heights in our all-powerful fantasises.

And yet, do we at least do the same for our children, even though it is all false?

No. Instead we beat them up, break them down, all in the name of ‘toughening them up for the real world’, making them feel useless, powerless, pathetic. Not warriors for life, but creatures of self-denial and delusion. Some of whom might one day even manage to become out great sporting heroes.

In the clinic

So, one way or another you are here, in the clinic. You might even say, finally you’ve made it. You may have feared it and resisted it, but something within you said that one day… one day it would all get too much… and now that day has arrived.

So you are in a very bad way. Probably way too bad a state to read something like this. You are fucked and feel so, you’re at the end, there is nothing else for you or that you can do. You have to give up and give in to those about you, the system, and you don’t care, you’ve gone past that. Just let me die.

But they won’t. And so you are faced with that eternal problem of having to try and help yourself, do something, even heal yourself. But it all seems so futile. What’s the point, you’ve tried and nothing has helped. You’re at the end of the road, with no hope, no future, you’re just to fucked up, and don’t care about those things anyway. You don’t care about anything, especially yourself. But you can’t kill yourself. You may have even tried, but it didn’t work. Something is making you stay alive, something is making you remain in your endless suffering and torture. You are isolated, very alone, walled-off in your nothingness state. But still they want to try and help you.

So you go to the psychologist, the counsellor, privately and the group, and you sit and listen and occasionally speak. You go once or twice a week, maybe more. It’s a pain but you have to go, it’s all part of your ‘treatment’.

You can hardly think or focus because of all the pills, your emotions and feelings are like a holocaust within you, or the cyclone is blowing just too hard and you are numb, feeling-less, in a place of at least a little peace, a place to hide for a moment or two.

You are in the clinic because it’s all finally got too much, but what is ‘all’?

And what all is, are all the unexpressed bad feelings that have been raging around for so long inside you. They have raged within you from your very beginning, and you’ve kept them all in. You may have had outbursts, but nothing more than letting off steam. They have just filled you up to the point of near suffocation – you’re saturated with them. You are just one big storm of bad feelings, and if you do want to try and heal yourself, which incredibly you can, all the storm of repressed feelings has to come out. And although speaking about how bad you feel might be the last thing you feel like doing, it is what you need to do to help yourself.

Speak! Speak, speak and speak more, ALL THE TIME, ALL DAY LONG, about how bad you feel. And if you can’t speak then moan and groan. The therapy you need is anything to make you speak about all the bad feelings that are jammed up inside you. To speak and never stop speaking, to speak out every bad feeling you have ever felt since you began. To speak out all those years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds of not speaking about how bad you felt. To speak, and speak, and speak some more. To speak until you hate speaking because you’ve spoken so much; to speak because you’re sanity depends on it. To speak because you want to bring out all the yuk inside you. To speak your way out of the clinic.

And if you can’t speak, there are people who can help you. They can prompt you – push you; they can demand you do, and they can listen to you. But they will have to just listen to you and not interfere with your bad feeling expression by telling you how you should be and what you should do. If they do, nothing will be gained, they being just as your parents were to you. And there will be a lot to listen to, and you’ll need more than a few hours a week, but speaking is what you MUST do. If you don’t, then there is literally no hope, not at least until you die and move into spirit where there will be many ‘friends’ who will be able to devote all their time to just listening to you speak about how bad you feel.

You have come to the end of your line, and all because you weren’t allowed to express your bad feelings as a young child and along the way in your life. You’ve kept it all in and the weight of the masses of unexpressed bad feelings is crushing you out of existence. And the only way to help yourself is to reverse the situation – so speak about all how bad you feel – to finally let your bad feelings out. Speak and yell and rage and express the storm within you. Move from the eye of the hurricane out into the full blown gale. Speak out every rain drop – every bad feeling, contained within the clouds, within the clouds of your depression, within the clouds of your despair.

Speak about how YOU feel. No one wanted to know how YOU felt. But now YOU can. And as you will speak, you too will be listening – listening to YOU. Hearing all the pain you are suffering, feeling sorry for YOU, yourself. You will be caring for yourself when no one cared for you. You will be giving to yourself what YOU have always needed – PERSONAL LOVING ATTENTION. You will be the person who attends to yourself, all being done as you SPEAK – as you speak about every bad feeling you feel. It is how you will love your way back into existence, back into one day feeling good about yourself. And it will be a hell of journey. But no worse than the hell it already is.

Day 2 – my cold

Day two of my cold and the symptoms are getting worse. I haven’t had a bad cold since I started my feeling-healing, but occasionally I get a sore throat and feel like ‘I’m coming down with one’.

Marion in her usual enlightening way has been helping me to understand how my cold is really a bunch of my unexpressed childhood bad feelings seeking the light of day manifesting in what I call ‘a cold’.

It’s a new way for me to look at my cold. And I can feel what she means. I can feel lots of repressed anger and hatred from my early childhood ‘causing’ my cold symptoms. So it’s not that I have ‘caught a cold’, but that I have all these unexpressed feelings to now express. And sure enough as I speak about how bad I feel, out comes my anger with more insight into why I’m feeling it.

So my ‘cold’ is saying to me: you need help; you need me to make you feel bad so you can bring up more stuff. You need me to make you feel how you are feeling, but refusing to allow yourself to acknowledge. You need me to help remind you how you felt as a young child. And I know if I don’t speak about all I feel, my cold will just get worse.

My cold is as though I’ve reached a point in my on ongoing repression and I’m boiling over with repressed feelings, which I’m not allowing myself to express, so this has to show itself in a weird way called ‘my cold’. My cold not the actual expression of my bad feelings, only the signal alerting me to the fact that I have to now focus on and deal with these feelings.

Late yesterday my throat became sore. Now it’s 2.30pm the next day. And here’s something of a list to illustrate how productive my ‘cold’ has been so far in helping me see more truth about myself through my bad feelings.

But before I write it, a couple of hours before my throat became sore, Marion and I witnessed a sight that has also hugely contributed to what my cold has been helping me to understand about myself.

We heard very loud child’s crying coming down the street outside our house. It was a young boy, possibly about six years old, crying and yelling at his mother. We couldn’t hear what he was upset about but it looked like he was imploring her to stop. He ran around facing her, pushing himself wailing against her, but she just ignored him, pushed him aside and walked on. This infuriated him even more, making him run after her so desperate for her to do what he wanted as he repeatedly tried to stop her, only to be continually pushed aside. His loud heart-crushing hysterical crying could be heard as they continued on all the way down the street.

This incident is a perfect example of how we are provided with all we need when we want to uncover the truth of ourselves. For this little boy to come into my life at this exact time was perfect for me to help use my cold to see more truth about myself.

My list – so far what my cold and this little boy experience have helped me see about myself:

I am scared.

I hate feeling sick.

I hate going to the doctor.

I hate mum and dad for making me sick.

I’m so full of anger at how badly they treated me.

They made me sick.

They made me sick because I couldn’t express my anger.

They forced me to give up fighting them.

They made me feel weak, powerless, sick.

They made me feel just like that little boy might feel: I would cry, yell and scream my protest, only to be pushed aside.

They rejected me, didn’t care about my bad feelings – didn’t care about me.

I imagine that when the little boy finally gives up – as his mother certainly isn’t going to, that he will feel wrung out, out of his senses, weak, spent, pathetic, what’s the point, no one cares about me, all of which my cold is making me feel, all that feeling sick makes me feel. I feel glazed, worked over, as if I can’t go on. I want to die. I feel just as I did so many times with them as I tried to tell them how bad I felt by having ‘my tantrum’. I can feel-remember this through the  feelings of my cold.

I feel trapped and want to break out. My protesting comes to nothing. I have to do as my mother says. I don’t want to be brushed aside and treated as if I don’t matter.

I’m not free to express myself in life as I’d like to.

I want to smash everything apart.

I want to smash her apart. But I can’t, I’m just too pathetic, too useless.

I have no say.

I have no power.

I don’t matter – certainly not to my mother.

And all these insights, many of which I’ve had many times through my feeling-healing, have all come as a result of speaking about how angry I feel – how angry my cold is making me feel.

And still my cold is making me feel and connect with my buried rage. I feel just like that little boy, raging against the stone wall, and that wall is my own mother. Where is her love and compassion? How can she just lock down and pretend I’m not there? How can she just see me as a tempest she has to stoically weather, and once it’s blown itself out, can get on with her life like nothing happened? Yet it’s me! Her very own child that is storming at her. Me! How can she be so cold, heartless, cruel and unfeeling – to me?