The bottom – feeling – line, and love.

I’m writing for the bottom line. I firmly believe that we’re all living in a negative state of mind and will that we have been made to deny – deny all the bad feelings it makes us feel – resulting in our childhood repression.

When I say we all hate each other, that no one is loved by their family or parents; that no one truly loves their family or parents; that no one feels loved and is loving, I am speaking about how you feel when you are in the throws of your deep repressed bad feelings coming up as you seek to accept, express and uncover the truth of them. When you feel so bad, these statements become true – you feel them.

However when you’re not feeling so bad you might not feel such things so deeply, truly or excruciatingly painfully. You might feel love, for yourself, others, your parents and your family. You might not hate them or anyone. You might not even hate yourself. And you may even feel relatively okay about yourself and your life. And you may feel that all I say is too extreme and doesn’t really apply to you, that I’m way too far off track and full of shit.

But then when you’re plunged back down into your unloving bad feeling self-denying state, you might find you start to agree with me again. And this is how it may progress through your feeling-healing.

And you may, and I would think you should, wrestle intensely with the notion of love: what is it, am I loved, do I feel loved, do I love? And you might struggle with this all the way through your healing. I know I have and I still am.

But overall, no matter what you see and feel the truth of yourself to be, until you’ve finished ALL of your healing, still some part of you will be existing in an unloving self-denying self-rejecting negative state. And so when you are back in this part of yourself, even if it’s very small, you’ll feel the worst of the worst. And for this state, when you are right in it, right in the worst of your bad feelings, I am writing to you. I want to try and share and appeal to you on this bottom line state as that is where your pain is, and really, that is all that matters. If you feel better and loved and even loving in other parts of yourself, well, they can take care of themselves. You can express them as you feel them. But it’s the really deep ugly stuff you don’t want to feel or accept about yourself that you will need some sort of help with, and that’s what I want to do. To say to you, yes, in my small way, possibly I know something of how you’re feeling. To be possibly something of a small friend in your time of need, during your worst feelings about yourself. To be able to say to you: I understand.

So that’s why I’m trying to go for it, to not hold back, to not try and soften the blow. To push the truth up into your face. I don’t want to try and sweet talk it to you, saying: oh you do love yourself and your family and parents and they do love you, you did have some good times together. And so you may feel (within the context of the negative) loved by them and do love them, but still the fact remains that somewhere within you you’ll still be feeling bad, and it’s this pain that needs attention from you, needing to be brought out. And it’s in that pain I hope to meet you. I can’t be there in person but perhaps I can in ’spirit’, empathising with you and all you are suffering. I can’t of course know exactly what you are feeling or how bad you do feel in your suffering and misery, but I do know how bad I’ve felt in mine.

And it’s all because it is all about your negative state, and until that’s all healed, so what if you feel loved, when some part of you is feeling rejected, unwanted, unhappy and unloved. It’s the bad stuff we all want to get rid of.

So do we feel loved or not? And that is something you will have to work out for yourself through your healing. I have worked it out for myself but I am not you. I am only writing about me – how I see and feel about things. As to whether you’ll end up agreeing with me I can’t say. And it’s not for me to say.

And within our negative states, yes of course we feel ‘loved’. I loved my little cat and she made me feel loved. I love Marion and she makes me feel loved. And on my good days I feel good – even really good. And I feel loved and loving. However, I still know that whilst I have repressed childhood yuk within me, it’s still all within this context, and so is only relative to all I have experienced so far in my negative life. So all I call my feelings of love are still being conditioned and tainted by my self- and feeling-denial state. As to what love might feel like when I am fully healed, I have no idea. I can’t even begin to speculate on it. However, I do look forward to seeing what it’s like – what it feels like.

Day 2 – my cold

Day two of my cold and the symptoms are getting worse. I haven’t had a bad cold since I started my feeling-healing, but occasionally I get a sore throat and feel like ‘I’m coming down with one’.

Marion in her usual enlightening way has been helping me to understand how my cold is really a bunch of my unexpressed childhood bad feelings seeking the light of day manifesting in what I call ‘a cold’.

It’s a new way for me to look at my cold. And I can feel what she means. I can feel lots of repressed anger and hatred from my early childhood ‘causing’ my cold symptoms. So it’s not that I have ‘caught a cold’, but that I have all these unexpressed feelings to now express. And sure enough as I speak about how bad I feel, out comes my anger with more insight into why I’m feeling it.

So my ‘cold’ is saying to me: you need help; you need me to make you feel bad so you can bring up more stuff. You need me to make you feel how you are feeling, but refusing to allow yourself to acknowledge. You need me to help remind you how you felt as a young child. And I know if I don’t speak about all I feel, my cold will just get worse.

My cold is as though I’ve reached a point in my on ongoing repression and I’m boiling over with repressed feelings, which I’m not allowing myself to express, so this has to show itself in a weird way called ‘my cold’. My cold not the actual expression of my bad feelings, only the signal alerting me to the fact that I have to now focus on and deal with these feelings.

Late yesterday my throat became sore. Now it’s 2.30pm the next day. And here’s something of a list to illustrate how productive my ‘cold’ has been so far in helping me see more truth about myself through my bad feelings.

But before I write it, a couple of hours before my throat became sore, Marion and I witnessed a sight that has also hugely contributed to what my cold has been helping me to understand about myself.

We heard very loud child’s crying coming down the street outside our house. It was a young boy, possibly about six years old, crying and yelling at his mother. We couldn’t hear what he was upset about but it looked like he was imploring her to stop. He ran around facing her, pushing himself wailing against her, but she just ignored him, pushed him aside and walked on. This infuriated him even more, making him run after her so desperate for her to do what he wanted as he repeatedly tried to stop her, only to be continually pushed aside. His loud heart-crushing hysterical crying could be heard as they continued on all the way down the street.

This incident is a perfect example of how we are provided with all we need when we want to uncover the truth of ourselves. For this little boy to come into my life at this exact time was perfect for me to help use my cold to see more truth about myself.

My list – so far what my cold and this little boy experience have helped me see about myself:

I am scared.

I hate feeling sick.

I hate going to the doctor.

I hate mum and dad for making me sick.

I’m so full of anger at how badly they treated me.

They made me sick.

They made me sick because I couldn’t express my anger.

They forced me to give up fighting them.

They made me feel weak, powerless, sick.

They made me feel just like that little boy might feel: I would cry, yell and scream my protest, only to be pushed aside.

They rejected me, didn’t care about my bad feelings – didn’t care about me.

I imagine that when the little boy finally gives up – as his mother certainly isn’t going to, that he will feel wrung out, out of his senses, weak, spent, pathetic, what’s the point, no one cares about me, all of which my cold is making me feel, all that feeling sick makes me feel. I feel glazed, worked over, as if I can’t go on. I want to die. I feel just as I did so many times with them as I tried to tell them how bad I felt by having ‘my tantrum’. I can feel-remember this through the  feelings of my cold.

I feel trapped and want to break out. My protesting comes to nothing. I have to do as my mother says. I don’t want to be brushed aside and treated as if I don’t matter.

I’m not free to express myself in life as I’d like to.

I want to smash everything apart.

I want to smash her apart. But I can’t, I’m just too pathetic, too useless.

I have no say.

I have no power.

I don’t matter – certainly not to my mother.

And all these insights, many of which I’ve had many times through my feeling-healing, have all come as a result of speaking about how angry I feel – how angry my cold is making me feel.

And still my cold is making me feel and connect with my buried rage. I feel just like that little boy, raging against the stone wall, and that wall is my own mother. Where is her love and compassion? How can she just lock down and pretend I’m not there? How can she just see me as a tempest she has to stoically weather, and once it’s blown itself out, can get on with her life like nothing happened? Yet it’s me! Her very own child that is storming at her. Me! How can she be so cold, heartless, cruel and unfeeling – to me?