Just keep on praying

Pray it away, get rid of those bad feelings, that’s what you’ve got to do. That’s what you’ve been taught, that’s what you believe is best for you. And at all costs, don’t to the opposite and accept them, allowing yourself to feel bad so you can face the truth of why you do.

No way, that would be terrible, no, you have to keep up your faith, hold firm to your belief, and never stop praying.

If you stop doing it then all hell will break loose. If you stop doing it then you will feel vulnerable. If you stop doing it then you’ll be at the mercy of the Evil One – Satin, the DEVIL! And we can’t have that now, can we?

But why do you fear the Devil, evil, and all that it makes you feel? Why are you so scared? Other people aren’t scared of evil or of the Devil as you are?

But no, you can’t allow any cracks in your armour, you’ve got to keep up the good work – religiously keep praying. You have to show, to the Devil, that you are the ‘holy’ one, that your heart is pure, all so it will know to leave you alone. Prayer is your shield, keep it up at all times!

And yet it’s all a bit late for that. You are already of a negative mind and will state, and so you are already self- and feeling-denying and so living in an evil state of being. Evil has already got you – you are already it. And as you no doubt know: evil is the denial of truth. The ‘Devil’ wants to destroy all that is true, pure and good. And yet you are already denying yourself, your true self being that which is true, pure and perfect – so aren’t you your own devil? And you started denying yourself at conception. So you’re not only fighting a loosing battle, but the battle is well and truly over – and you lost. No amount of prayer is going to ’save’ you.

But you are still fighting, you cannot stop fighting. The Devil is still ‘real’. So who is it that you’re still really fighting? The Devil already has you as seen by your self-denying negative state of mind and will, showing up in your childhood repression, so why fight on?

And who you are fighting, and will forever fight against (until you do your feeling- or soul-healing), is your parents – fighting against all they did to you, how they treated you during your forming years. And because of this, one can only deduce that it’s not actually the Devil you are fighting but your very own PATENTS as they are true EVIL ONES.

The devil doesn’t exist, it’s only something made up by those people who can’t face the truth that it’s really their own parents they are desperately scared of. It’s all very convenient to say you are good and ‘out there’ is the BAD ONE. Because that was how you felt as a young child, and it was true, you were good and your parents were the bad ones. However you can’t grow up admitting this, you ‘love’ your parents and they ‘love’ you, so it has to be an unseen force, something out there that lurks unseen in the dark depths of your imagination. It can’t under any circumstances be what’s standing right in front of your face out in broad daylight – your parents.

And the sad truth is: you can’t pray your parents away.

Why would you want to be a therapist?

Because it’s a way you can gain power.

Everything we do in our negative orientated mind and will lives is to gain power, an attempt to re-gain the power our parents deprived us of naturally feeling and expressing as we grew up.

Our parenting is mostly all negative, yet we call it loving. So much of it had a negative unloving effect on us as seen by our having repressed childhood feelings – our childhood repression. And yet we call it all love.

In our unloving states as we grew up we felt powerless many times. Just look at how parents treat their children – does the child have equal power with the adult? No, the whole thing about being a child, so we seem to believe, is that the child is inferior and can’t nor shouldn’t have equal power. And so by treating our children this way we make them feel powerless, we’re always de-powering them, always pulling the rug out from under them. We might try and pump them up in other ways, trying to make them feel all-powerful and loved, but it’s all too late, and all on a condition of previous powerlessness.

And as children we don’t want to feel powerless. We do all we can to gain power within our family, some people being more successful at it than others. Yet it’s still all ONLY a subset of our parents all-powerful dominion.

And so all we do as adults is done to try and maintain our false-power within our powerless states, within our negative condition. And so those people who feel they can help others by being a therapist really see being a therapist as their means of having power, of trying to make up some of their childhood power deficit. And it’s acceptable. Being a therapist is ‘good’, so we all say, it’s a good way to try and re-gain power. Whereas being a murder is bad, that is unacceptable and not the ‘right’ way to re-gain power. And the therapist is held in high esteem, they can actually help others to shed some of their feelings of powerlessness possibly helping or enabling them to find new ways of re-gaining some of their lost and denied power.

So is it good to seek to gain power by using others to do so? Or is it that we’re happy, or at least pretend we are happy, with the trade off. We allow the therapist to use us because we believe and feel we are getting something out of it, something that will eventually and hopefully make us feel more powerful and better about ourselves? And so, is it right that therapists say you must not attempt to do your childhood repression healing without their help, and if you do… look out, all manner of bad things might happen to you.

And yet don’t misunderstand me, I only want to point out the truth of such things as I have come to see them. And I also understand that within our fuckedness we do need help, and help from those who may be using us to gain power. But that’s how it is within the negative – it can’t be any other way. But in time as you progress in your feeling-healing, the truth will come and along with it your own feelings of power – true power. And so your need to be dependant on such help from anyone else will diminish, to one day, end, the day when your childhood repression healing is over and you no longer feel powerless and under the regime of your parents. And what a great day that will be!

Strapped in

He’s strapped into the car seat.

He’s strapped into the pusher.

He’s pushed around.

He’s left strapped in his pusher in various places whilst they do what they want to do.

Some of the day passes and he’s still strapped in his pusher.

He eats and sleeps strapped in his pusher.

For a short moment or two he’s removed from his pusher whilst his nappy is changed.

Then he’s put straight back into his pusher.

He’s left again strapped in his pusher as they carry on doing more things.

More of the day passes as he remains strapped in his pusher.

He eats more, sleeps more, cries more – still strapped in his pusher.

Then he’s taken out of his pusher and strapped back into the car seat.

Finally he’s at home, the straps come off, and he’s allowed to be free… but only for a little while.

The little babies and toddlers that come to the Fishing Park stay strapped in their pushers (or strollers) for hours at a time.

During our most crucial forming time in life, a time when we need continual affection and hands on attention and care, we’re left alone, denied it, stuck in our prams, pushers and strollers. And we grow up being told we are loved, loved by our all-caring parents. We learn that rejection, abandonment, frustration, anger and boredom is feeling loved. The straps never being entirely removed.

And so it goes on.

The next day we then strap our child back into the car seat…

I am the Greatest Evil One.

I am no love. I have a heart of stone – this I now know as I feel it to be so. This is the truth of my anti-love negative state of mind and will.

And I feel good. Surprisingly, I feel good being able to accept this about myself. It’s taken me years of hard slog doing my feeling-healing, but now I’m there, now I understand. Now I know I am cold, with no warmth, no blood, no fire in me, no love – just cold hard stone.

I have tried to resist this truth, I have not wanted to be told or accused of being unloving, but I am. I have fought my way to this hidden truth of myself and now I am there. Now I feel I need go no further, only to understand more about what it is like to be my unloving self.

I don’t feel love. I don’t feel loved by anyone – I don’t love. I used to believe I did, but it was only a lie, all make-believe, false and wrong. It was nothing more than a belief I needed to have so I didn’t have to face the cold hard truth. It was a belief given to me by my mother, father and grandmother. They believed it too. They believed they were loving, perhaps even all-loving, but they weren’t. They weren’t because I didn’t and don’t feel loved by them. And as I am of and from them, so too am I unloving. I too am as they are, only now I know and accept the truth.

I wanted to change the world. I wanted to make everyone be nice, kind, caring and loving of each other. I wanted to do this so they would all love me. The world being really just my parents. I so desperately wanted them to like me, to accept me as I was, to not try and change me – to just love me.

I wanted the whole world to do my bidding. I know the new way, the right way, and if only everyone were to listen to me, then we could all live happily ever after.

I wanted to change the world as many before me have wanted to, as many other people still do, but now I can see in myself, as I see in them, that we are all wrong. I am only wanting to do it for selfish self-centred self-glorying reasons. I am only wanting to be the supreme controller, the ultimate master of all. I want to be god. I want to wave the magic wand and make everything be how I want it to be – all so I will always feel good. So I want everyone to do what I say. And if they do, then I will be happy. It’s all for me, not for them, only I pretend and superficially make out that it is for them, this being exactly how my parents said it was for me. They said they were all for me, the life they were giving and making for me was all for me, but it wasn’t, it was only all for them.

Now I know the awful truth of myself. I am not all-loving and trying to be like Jesus, showing everyone The Way whilst showering the sick and poor with tenderness, goodness and love. I am the opposite, like the Evil Ones, with no love to give, only a leech wanting to suck everyone dry of all life, vitality, spirit and love – to suck them dry all for myself.

And I want to use everyone until there is no one left to use. Then it will only be me, the greatest person alive. But I will be alone. And this too is what I want. I don’t care about being alone because that is all I have ever felt, it’s all I have ever had. I am alone – that is my lot, as my mother told me, so I expect nothing more. Being alone I should be happy. Being alone I will be happy, because when I was alone I was away from them and I felt better. But I also know this too is all wrong. This is the price I pay for being unloving, for having no goodness and no truth within me. This is the price of my suffering – the cost of my pain. But I can live with it, or so I believe, as I have nothing else. There never was anything else, so this is all I have, all I can look forward to, all I can aspire to be. It is all I want.

So here I am, alone in my heart with nothing I love and no one to be loved by. I do actually have a loving person with me and a loving little cat, but I can’t feel their love for me. I used to pretend that I did, but I didn’t – I just wanted to believe I did.

I am with them and I am no-love, and I am alone. And there is nothing I can do. It is just how it is – how I was made to be. However as I said, strangely, I don’t feel bad about about it anymore. I am just as I am and that is all I can be – it is all that I AM. I is all I can be in my negative unloving state.

But what if your partner doesn’t want to be your true friend?

What if you want to do your childhood repression healing, by speaking about all your bad feelings so you can uncover the truth of them, but your partner doesn’t want to listen to all your yuk? What do you do? What can you do?

What do you do when you feel really bad and they are not there for you? Not there for you to tell them how bad you feel? What do you do when they say, yes tell me, but no sooner than you’ve started and they are trying to stop you speaking about your bad feelings, trying to shut you up, or tell you that there is something wrong with you for feeling that way?

What do you do when you agreed to listen to each other, but he or she doesn’t speak about his or her bad feelings whereas it’s all you want to do?

It’s terrible having to be faced with the reality that you are not friends, not truly there for each other, not willing to listen to each others bad feelings. It’s not good having to face the fact that if your partner doesn’t want to listen to you, and share his or her bad feelings, then what are you doing together? And what if this realisation starts to come and you have little children, a mortgage on the house and grandparents that would be heartbroken if suddenly they couldn’t see the children?

What do you do as the hopelessness of your relationship dawns on you? The honeymoon period definitely a long all but forgotten memory, the day to day drudge almost to much to bear.

And all you can do is speak – talk about all your bad feelings. All your worries, fears, anger, doubts, concerns, problems, talk about all the bad stuff.

Talk about it all with your partner (the best you can), with other friends, a therapist, with God, but talk about it all wanting to uncover the truth of why you are in this situation, why is it happening to you. And how does it all relate to your early childhood and your relationship with your parents and carers. You don’t have to immediately leave your partner, as you can use the opportunity to uncover the truth of why you are feeling all you are feeling – what is it all about. Your relationship is making you feel bad, so there you have a good source of continual bad feelings to speak about and express and to long for the truth of.

And if your partner does want to listen to you, but can’t because of all the blocks in them from their early childhood, then this is where they can start by speaking about all their bad feelings – about not being able to do it but wanting to. They have to understand the value and reason for speaking about how bad they feel – all their worries, fears, doubts, anger, frustration, and even if it’s bad things about each other, it all has to come up and out.

And speaking about all you feel can only have a good effect on your relationship. It will either show you that there is some hope bringing you both closer, or it will show you there isn’t any, and as hard as it might be, separation must occur. But to not speak about it, you’ll never know, with it all going around and around, pent up inside you, slowly driving you mad and making you sick. With it all having desire adverse unloving affects upon your children if you have them.

Our loving families

Consider this: as we are all conceived into a negative self-denying state, we’re all full of childhood repression.

If you don’t believe or feel you have repressed childhood feelings within you, I understand, because before I started to do my feeling-healing I didn’t think I had any in me either.

Now, hands up who would say they come from a loving family? Hands up who don’t feel their family was loving? And you’d probably suspect the show of hands would be in the majority – possibly overwhelming – with most people showing they had and have a loving family. And those people would feel good about their family – right? Of course they would or they wouldn’t have put their hands up – would they?

Okay, so back to the beginning. You have repressed childhood feelings within you. You feel bad in some way, you don’t feel your life is what you want it to be, possibly you have some trauma from your early childhood you’re working on. But still you put your hand up to say you have a loving family.

But don’t you think something is wrong here? Doesn’t it seem strange that you say you have or had a loving family and yet you don’t feel good – that you are full of repressed bad childhood feelings? And that you are denying so many bad feelings all because you are afraid of the truth you might see about the relationships you had in your early life if you allowed yourself to feel them. And what is this truth you are so afraid of? What really is going on deeper within you? So let me ask you, seriously, what was or is so good about your family?

Do you see, do you get it? You CAN’T have had a good loving family experience, at least not as you want to believe it was. If you did you wouldn’t be full of childhood repression. You are living in a fantasy about your family. Your family IS THE DIRECT CAUSE AND ONLY CAUSE OF YOUR CHILDHOOD REPRESSIOIN. It, your parents, and possibly other members in your family, fucked you up. The mess you are in, why you feel so bad, is because of them – BECAUSE OF YOUR FAMILY!

So let’s have another show of hands. Who now feels they have or had a loving family? Can you feel the anguish in you? You want to say yes, but you now know it’s not what you thought it to be. It’s really a NO. But it’s a hard struggle to accept it. You don’t want to accept it. You don’t want to face the truth of it. And hey, that’s okay. Nothing bad is going to happen to you if you don’t, the bad has ALREADY happened to you – IT HAPPENED WITHIN YOUR OWN FAMILY.

We hold up and cherish the family more than any other institution. If the family fails, then it’s all over, we’re fucked, we may as well hand in our shoes and socks and piss off never to return again. What is the point if the family is bad? What can you have in life if you don’t have a sound and secure loving family, a place you can go back to when all else fails? What are you faced with when your one and only safe haven is shown up to be evil, the very horror you fear so much, the very torture chamber you grew up in?

And it is. That’s the sickening truth. The FAMILY is rotten to the core. It is the source of all your problems – all our problems. We uphold all the great family values, such as: not loving each other truly; stopping the child express itself freely; filling us full of childhood repression; believing we’d rather die for our family than say a bad word against it; pretending we feel loved when deeper within us the truth is we don’t feel loved – or not at least as how we needed to feel; ensuring it’s all not what it seems – keeping up the front and maintaining the show.

We go on protecting our parents like faithful morons, protecting the very people who’ve fucked us up. It was not their fault, we say and convince ourselves, our parents loved us and were faultless; it was our fault – the child is always to blame! We shouldn’t have behaved as badly as we did. We are to blame, we gave them too much of a hard time. We EXCUSE THEM. We excuse the family. And we go on pretending in the world we’re all one big happy family, but we’re not. The truth is we all hate each other, just as we all hated each other in our family.

But to come clean is a tough call. Who wants to smash their false loving beliefs about their family apart? Who wants to turn their back on the very EVIL ONES that have caused their childhood repression?

Yet that is what you face if you seriously want to heal all of your negative self-denial unloving state of mind and will. That’s what you’re going to have to do if you seriously want to heal all of your childhood repression.

Who’s selfish?

‘James, don’t be selfish, allow your brother to have some.’

‘No, I don’t want him to have some, it’s mine and I want it all.’

‘Don’t be selfish, that’s mean of you, it’s nasty to not allow your brother to have some, so give him some, and you don’t want to be mean and nasty do you?’

‘No.’

Who does? Does anyone want to be mean and nasty, or even accused of being it? So what chance did I have of being able to live how I wanted to – none. I was controlled and conditioned to live their way. They always got what they wanted, they always had it their way. I had to always do what I was told – so who was mean and nasty, who really was selfish?

And this ‘loving’ parenting has crippled me in so many aspects of my adult life. I am instantly filled with guilt and dread of being punished and called such horrible names as ‘mean’ and ‘nasty’ if anything I do the other person objects to. And this makes is very difficult to do anything as someone is always going to object to something.

Our little cat gets up during the night a number of times. She wants me to pay attention to her, she wants to look outside, she wants something to eat. It’s cold, and after looking outside from front to backdoor, eating something, having lots of pats, she’s happy and I’m cold and want to go back to bed. So I do. And then she starts calling, on and on and on. I try to ignore her, but she jumps on the bed. I try to be firm saying to myself, no, this time I’m not giving in. I want to have it my way. I don’t want to always be told what to do by the cat. I don’t want to be waiting up in the cold for her to look outside. I don’t want to be wandering around in the dark patting and rubbing and rolling her around on her ‘rolly-mat’. I want to be warm and asleep. And doing it once a night is okay – fair’s fair, but three and four times! It gets too much, I don’t want to do it. But then the terrible guilt comes.

Up comes my guilt and dread. I hear my mothers imaginary words in my mind: ‘Oh go on, she won’t be long, at least she doesn’t go off for hours into the night, she only wants to look outside for a little while. Go on, it won’t hurt you. You won’t die from lack of sleep. She can’t let herself out, she needs you, she’s dependant on you and she doesn’t have much of a life. Go on…’ and here it comes… ‘don’t be mean, don’t be nasty, DON’T BE SELFISH. Go on, it’s not much she’s asking of you… go on…’

And it’s those dreaded words that do it to me every time. I give in. Up I get – yet again, go out into the cold, open the door, and wait in the dark. I chastise myself, punish myself for being so mean and nasty, a horrible person who won’t graciously, lovingly, do such a small thing for my cat, for my dear little cat who loves and gives me so much. I dump the shit on myself: it’s true, I am mean and nasty, and I hate myself for being this way. I am selfish. I wish I was a better person, more loving and all-accepting. And it’s true, it’s not going to hurt me, it doesn’t matter that I can’t go back to sleep for half the night, that it takes me ages to get warmed up again, that I have disturbing dreams, and by the time morning comes I feel like I need another nights sleep to recover from all I’ve been through.

And it doesn’t matter that it’s all one way. That I never get a say in it. She always gets what she wants, it’s not fifty-fifty, it’s never equal, it’s always me having to put myself aside, me having to give in and allow the other person to do whatever they want with me. And if I don’t I am accused and punished as being the worst person on Earth. They can all get – and SHOULD get – their way all the time, but not me. I’m praised for being so giving, so selfless, and I’m even told I should be more forceful in getting what I want, in standing up for myself, in being firm and assertive. And yet as soon as I try, guess what happens? ‘Don’t be so mean James, don’t expect everyone to do what you want in life. Life isn’t like that. If that’s how you’re going to behave then no one will like you, you’ll have no friends, no one wants to be with a nasty selfish person, no one wants to do what other people tell them to do all the time.’ And don’t I know it!

But I can’t do anything about it. I’m trapped in my plight, my patterns are set, so I need to have a cute little demanding cat that makes me feel guilty and makes me beat up on myself calling myself bad names, making myself feel bad, all because I dare to think for one moment that I might like to get things my way for a change.

And I can’t tell her to fuck off. I can’t reject her. I can’t just say too bad, go rot in hell, I am not getting up three times during the night to do what you want. You’ll just have to learn that your life is not going to be like that. You’ll just have to learn that you can’t have it ALL YOUR OWN WAY. You’ll just have to learn there are other people in the world other than you, so tough shit, you can whinge and complain all you like but it won’t get you anywhere, I AM NOT GOING TO DO WHAT YOU WANT – EVER!

I can’t do that. They did that with me, but I can’t be like them. I believe I should be, that that is how one is supposed to be and get on in the world, and in small ways I do try and assert my will, be the dominating controller and get what I want, but it’s all pathetic and really only still conditional on the other person allowing me to. As soon as they say no, then up comes the guilt and I feel bad for not respecting or considering them. And instantly I have to put myself aside and be there ready to do what they want – at their service. And I don’t want to be dominating and controlling.

And when the pressure is on, when I’m lying in bed having rejected her saying no, not this time, no way am I going to get up again, I feel so boxed in, I have nowhere to go and I just want to scream. I want to rage with the fury of feeling that it’s all so unjust. I want to have things my way, but I feel so sorry for her as she too wants things her way and she’s smaller than I and she’s dependant on me for so many things. Why can’t I be just all-loving, completely self-sacrificing, just alive to serve her? Why can’t I be the good boy, the boy who is praised for being so kind and considerate, and why can’t I feel good about being this way? Why can’t I live never wanting anything for myself, always there for the other person, always so willing and wanting to give and help? Why can’t I? And why do I believe that I should be this way?

But I can’t be like that. It doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t feel like I ever get a go. If I felt like I did have a go, had all I wanted and wanted nothing more, then perhaps I might be more like this, but it was always, ‘now James, that’s not how to be with your brother. He’s younger than you and so you must be nice to him. You must share your toys with him. You must not hit him. You must be good to him, and if you aren’t, then I will hit you – GOT IT!’

So little James who is now Big James must always be like this. Always putting his brother first. Never just being allowed to get on with his own life. Always having to worry about and be considerate of everyone else. Always having to wait, never being allowed to just go off and explore life as he wants to. Always having to curtail his own natural inspiration. Always having to put the breaks on, always having to stop what he wants to do forcing himself to change accommodating and including the other person. Never being allowed to just be himself. Never being allowed to feel and experience what it might actually be like to be the real and true James. That James doesn’t exist, was stopped from existing, was forced to take the back seat, to be ‘in there’, somewhere, buried and waiting… always waiting… always waiting for the day when they said: ‘Okay now James, because you’ve been such a good unselfish boy, it’s now your turn. Now you can be free to be however you want to be. Now you can go out there and do what you like. You don’t have to worry about or be concerned with anyone else, they can take care of themselves. Now you can start to live your life’. And James waits, and waits. And I wait for something that will never come. I sit at the bus stop waiting for the bus that will take away to my life, but I know it will never come. It never came when I was little. It came close at times, I could see it in the distance, but it always turned the wrong way, it always turned away from me.

And she meows again and it’s quick up James see what she wants, and instantly I have to stop my life, put myself aside and attend to her. I have too because I don’t want to suffer the pain and hurt of being called those horrible names. I don’t want to be mean, nasty and selfish because then no one will like me. No one will want to be with me. No one will want to be my friend. No one will love me. She won’t even like me or love me anymore. And then I will be all alone. All alone and with nothing to do. Then I won’t have anyone telling me how to be and what I should do. But I won’t be happy with that because having no friends, no one who likes or even loves you, is even worse that being called selfish.

And you know, the part I’ve never understood is that they accuse me of being selfish if I don’t do what they want me to do, if they don’t get their way, but when I accuse them of being selfish, they tell me to stop saying mean and nasty things about them. They say it’s bad to say bad things about other people. So I don’t get it. I always loose out. I always end up feeling bad.

Be responsible for your own feelings.

The parent is full of repressed childhood feelings. The child pushes its parents buttons making the parent feel bad. The parent feels all sorts of bad feelings most of which it denies and won’t allow itself to feel. So what does it do? Instead of allowing itself to feel bad, it comes down hard on its child, making its child stop doing what it’s doing, all so it will no longer feel bad.

The child makes the parent feel bad so then the parent crunches it. The parent lies to its child saying all sorts of meaningless things telling its child why it can’t be as it wants to be.

The child doesn’t understand its parents deceitful behaviour and only feels worse, the parent causing its own child’s bad feelings.

The parent doesn’t live responsibly with its own feelings – staying true to them, expressing them and seeking the truth of them.

And we say to our child ‘I love you’. And we make our child believe it is loved, that it lives in a loving family, when all around it is lies.

The parent lies to its child because it’s lying to itself – about how bad it feels.

The whole parent/child relationship is fucked. It’s no good, no matter how ‘loving’ the parent might be. It’s fucked because no one is being or allow to be true. No one in it is freely expressing all the feelings they feel.

And one day perhaps we’ll allow ourselves to admit, accept and then speak about this truth. One day the parent will be able to stay on its side, allowing itself to feel bad and not taking its fear and denial of its bad feelings out on its own child.

One day… maybe…

Don’t blame the children.

Don’t blame the children; blame the parents. It’s the way children are treated by their parents that make them be as they are.

The little girl came with her parents and her younger sister to visit our neighbours house. Together with our neighbours two young children they all took to goading Marion and I into looking at them from where common ground joins the two properties. When we ignored them they came closer onto our property yelling out at us, calling us names, wanting us to pay them attention.

The more we ignored them the more frustrated they became and the closer to the house they came. And finally the little girl pick up a small rock and threw it at our window.

I went around to tell her parents what she’d just done, only to find the four parents sitting red-eyed in the living room oblivious of what their children were up to, drinking their bottles of red wine. Their front door was open and half the neighbourhood could have heard the goading yells of the children – but not these parents, or if they did, they didn’t care about it.

I wasn’t angry with the little girl, only with her parents and our neighbours. And all I wished was that the little girl had lived the truth she was feeling deeper inside herself, that being, that she threw the rock at her parents and called them all the names she’d been calling us. Because really it wasn’t us that she was frustrated with and needing the attention from, it was her own mother and father.

And I wished I could have joined her and thrown my own rocks at both her parents. But also really at my own parents, something that I could never do. I never realised that it wasn’t the world and other people I was angry with, it was my own parents.

Addicted?

Who caused your addiction?

YOUR PARENTS! No one else. The same people who caused your childhood repression. You’re only doing it to yourself because of how you were treated during your forming years. Any other reasons you might tell yourself as to why you are addicted, will probably only be what they or someone influential during your early life told you.

Why are you addicted?

Because they denied you the love you needed to form with. From conception all the way through your early childhood, you were deprived of the love you needed to grow with. And you still desperately want that love. But it’s not going to come, and this makes you feel very bad. It makes you feel as bad as you felt back then. And the truth of it, you don’t want to face. You don’t want to feel all the bad feelings of being unloved. You don’t want to know that your parents did not love you. So you block them out – at least try to – with your addiction. You do something you believe makes you feel better – gives you the good loving feelings they should have given you.

And what if I know my parents didn’t love me but still I’m addicted?

The same still applies. There is just more truth and more bad feelings of not feeling loved by them waiting for you to see.

How do I heal my addiction?

By doing your Feeling-Healing – healing your childhood repression through the complete unconditional love of yourself; of all the bad feelings you are denying. By uncovering the whole truth of why you are addicted – the whole truth of your relationship with your parents. By allowing yourself to feel all your pain, all your bad feelings resulting from not feeling loved. The pain your trying to run away from, trying to quell, hide and squash out of existence with your addiction.

Will I ever be free of my addiction?

No, not until you have felt and seen the whole truth of it. You may stop doing it, you may feel you don’t need it any longer, but it won’t be completely healed until you uncover the whole truth through your childhood repression healing – then you will know you are free of it. By doing this slowly, you will give yourself through your bad feeling acceptance, the love they didn’t give you – slowly you will love yourself out of your need to be addicted. You will become the kind, caring, considerate, humble, all-loving parent to yourself that your parents should have been to you.

Can I heal my addiction and love my parents at the same time?

Can you love your parents for denying you the love you needed from them?

What about forgiving them for what they have done to me?

What about it? Worry about yourself first. Heal all of your childhood repression and need for your addiction, and then worry about them, if you still feel you want to. Until you put yourself first – your feelings, all the good and BAD ones, nothing will change. You’ll just go around in your mind still refusing to face and deal with the real issues at hand – that they didn’t love you. Until you give up trying to make happy family, it’s not going to happen. You’re fucked, they fucked you, and only you can get yourself out of it. And it’s only going to happen by accepting, honouring, expressing and seeking the truth of your bad feelings. All the rest of the healing processes are dicking around avoiding the real issues. Sure they may help you, they may even ‘heal’ you, but there’s still all the yuk to do with your parents buried deep inside you waiting until one day you decide it’s time to try and face it.

We are all addicted aren’t we?

Yes; to our self-denial, to our negative state, to our childhood repression, as seen by our ongoing denial of our feelings and our refusal to accept the truth of our relationship with our parents.