Our eyes being determined by our early childhood – what we saw and how we were made to see and experience the world in our family. And so as adults we largely still see, and judge or accept, the world through our child eyes. Our patterns were fixed, our behaviour set, with our adult lives being really nothing more than the outworking of our early childhood. So what annoys you and makes you feel bad during your childhood repression healing is reflective of what annoys you on the inside, it being representative of what happened to make you feel bad when you were little. And so we can use it, through our bad feelings, to take us back into those same feelings of our early childhood to find the truth.
Yesterday Marion and I drove off Phillip Island to have more of a look at the ‘mainland’ countryside – we went to Korumburra from Wonthaggi.
As soon as we left Wonthaggi the land opened up into mostly beef and dairy farmland. Miles and miles of open gentle rolling hills covered in grass – but where were all the trees? Where was all the native bush land? Where were all the gum trees, the wattles, the fantastic birds and all our beautiful creatures? As we drove we saw a tiny pocket of bush, a tree covered hill, a dense forested sectioned off area, an inviting dark green leafed small valley, but mostly it was farm upon farm of green grass. All the lovely lush green colours vibrant in the sun looked quite spectacular, but not the same as looking at a forest.
On the way home from ‘Wonthers’, back to the Island, I felt a headache coming on. Then I felt nauseous. And as I started to speak about my bad feelings, it became increasingly apparent that the whole experience to me was very traumatic, that in some way it had related to something bad that happened to me during my early childhood. But I didn’t know what. I couldn’t remember, and I couldn’t understand why seeing the land devoid of trees was affecting me so much, and yet I felt it was.
The more we spoke about it; the more I tried to moan and grown speaking about how sick I felt and how much my head hurt, the more I felt that sometime back in my past I had been taken out into bare farmland like what we’d seen and left there, taken away from mum and dad, from home, and left with some other family, something that I didn’t want to do and which greatly traumatised me.
As I concentrated on trying to express – trying to speak what I felt, trying to allow my bad feelings of sickness and pain to speak, my mouth dried up, my throat constricted, my eyes filled with tears and eventually, choking, I spluttered out, NO! DONT LEAVE ME HERE! And in my mind I was screaming with rage and the agony of feeling left, NO! DON’T LEAVE ME! I could hardly speak the words as emotion, too much and having been too deeply buried, rushed up in me, leaving me choking, slobbering, spluttering. And I threw up emotionally. I didn’t vomit, but huge deep dry retches of emotion spewed up out of me. And then it was over. I didn’t feel sick anymore. I still had the headache and the pain had moved and changed into being a more stabbing pain rather and a dull ache, and for the rest of the trip home we talked about all we knew of my early childhood that had been revealed through my healing and how it related to what I had just gone through. I also continued to moaned, groan and emotionally throw up as my head ache came back and went again in waves.
This morning I woke up with a picture in my mind of all the farm land we’d seen being covered in bush as it would have been before white man wrecked it. I imagined the hills covered in trees, and the birds, the animals, the little bugs and beetles. And as I spoke to Marion about this picture and how it was making me feel, so I could find out why it was in my mind, I became slowly aware that it was all me. How I was seeing the land was how I was seeing myself. I used to be covered in natural bush, lush, pure and untouched, a perfect piece of nature, but then my parents set about clearing me, clearing in me all they didn’t want. All that annoyed them, all that got in their way and made life harder for them. And so what am I left with, not much, just a little bit of me here and there with no way of connecting those parts. With a false me all but devoid of natural love having to live an artificial life of milking cows and watching the grass grow.
I still don’t remember if I was left anywhere when I was young, such as in the country, but that no longer matters. I can remember many times when I was left places I didn’t want to be. I was left as soon as I was born in the infant room in the hospital according to my feeling-memories. I was left every day I went to school. I was left emotionally. I was left alone a lot in my ‘corner’ playing with my toys without being communicated with properly; left to feel as if I was a stranger in my own family, a lodger in my own house; left to feel that I didn’t matter, that no one cared about me; and as long as I was good and did what I was told, then largely I was just… left.
There was also another very interesting point this experience helped me to understand about myself by putting the new me into perspective with the old me. The old me occasionally travelled in such farm land country, and I can remember back then thinking about the desecration of the natural bush, but it never emotionally effected me, not to the degree it did yesterday by making me sick. And that was because I looked at all intellectually. I would morn the loss of the environment and get angry with our unfeeling insensitive ignorant ways, but all mentally, all just within my mind and so at arms length. I didn’t allow any of it to come right in and deeply affect me. But now, the new me, the me that is allowing my bad feelings to govern my life instead of my mind, felt bad, and how very bad! Yesterday it was all highly personal. I was the bush. I could feel the violation and desecration within me of my unfeeling parents cutting down my personality as the trees were cut down; their uncaring attention stopping me express myself. I could feel it all around me, as if I could all but feel the pain of the land, the pain of Mother Earth as yet more wanton destruction took place. And as hard as it is to go through such harrowing deep emotional purging and feeling so bad, still I would much rather allow myself to be so affected emotionally than being shut off to my feelings and living alone in my mind. I would much rather feel my pain driving through that cleared land than driving through it impartial to it all, telling myself: well, there is nothing I can do about it anyway so why get upset about it. I would much rather know that what I can do about it now is just allow myself to feel all my feelings, and that there is nothing else to do. At least now I feel alive in my feelings relating to life, rather than just being in my unfeeling mind… and left all alone.
