Strapped in

He’s strapped into the car seat.

He’s strapped into the pusher.

He’s pushed around.

He’s left strapped in his pusher in various places whilst they do what they want to do.

Some of the day passes and he’s still strapped in his pusher.

He eats and sleeps strapped in his pusher.

For a short moment or two he’s removed from his pusher whilst his nappy is changed.

Then he’s put straight back into his pusher.

He’s left again strapped in his pusher as they carry on doing more things.

More of the day passes as he remains strapped in his pusher.

He eats more, sleeps more, cries more – still strapped in his pusher.

Then he’s taken out of his pusher and strapped back into the car seat.

Finally he’s at home, the straps come off, and he’s allowed to be free… but only for a little while.

The little babies and toddlers that come to the Fishing Park stay strapped in their pushers (or strollers) for hours at a time.

During our most crucial forming time in life, a time when we need continual affection and hands on attention and care, we’re left alone, denied it, stuck in our prams, pushers and strollers. And we grow up being told we are loved, loved by our all-caring parents. We learn that rejection, abandonment, frustration, anger and boredom is feeling loved. The straps never being entirely removed.

And so it goes on.

The next day we then strap our child back into the car seat…

Feeling unloved – how does it feel?

You might feel unloved now. You may have felt unloved in the past as an adult, and it’s horrible to feel such bad feelings, but can you remember what it feels like feeling unloved as a young child?

Can you remember being with one or both of your parents and feeling them rejecting you, pushing you away from them, not wanting you, not loving you, making you feel bad – very bad?

Can you remember that feeling of dread, the intense fear, that terrible feeling of anguish with the thought that if they don’t love you, then what? What is going to happen to you? Is the black hole that’s waiting to swallow you going to get it’s way. That awful feeling like no other feeling that there will be NOTHING, as if you will cease to exist, or worse, that you will exist, but in complete and utter nothingness. Unable to do anything, unable to function, unable to do anything but feel bad, and so, so bad. Bad being comprised of every bad feeling you could ever possibly feel, and then more. Even more bad feelings, all those ones you know are out there just waiting to seize you and crush you out of existence.

And the misery. Can you remember the misery? Can you remember feeling so miserable and that is all there is. Nothing but a sea of misery with no land in sight. No safety, no security, no comfort, no caring, no nice feelings. You, totally alone, unwanted, uncared about, unloved at sea in wave upon wave of misery and despair. Can you remember how devastated you felt feeling such bad feelings? Can you remember how all you could do was breath? And if that required any effort, it too would have ceased. Can you remember being so nothing that you could only give up? Give up, give in, allowing it to be done to you with all fight taken from you. Defeated and depressed. So depressed. Life with nothing in it for you. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to get up for, nothing to like, no fun, no happiness – nothing. Nothing, nothing and then more nothing. And the misery.

The ever present misery. It being your only comfort, your only friend. You without anything, not one good feeling trapped in your life, surrounded by unloving people, so utterly alone. They are speaking to you, but you don’t hear them. You have been forced too far away. You have been shut out from them – walled into your own little space, all but entombed in your own misery. Can you remember those bad feelings?

And the pain… oh such pain. The ever present pain. Always the pain. Pain that never leaves you. You can’t exactly place where it is but it’s all through you – YOU ARE PAIN. It is with you in your nothingness, but it is not your friend. You don’t want it. They are trying to make you like it, and perhaps in time it too will become a friend, but like your misery it’s only a false friend, and it doesn’t love you. Nothing and no one loves you. You feel unlovable. You might wonder what is wrong with you, why do they hate you so much, why don’t they like you, especially when you’ve tried to be good and do what they said. But it’s no use. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better. The pressure might ease off for a moment, and then you might feel not so bad, but sooner or later back will come all those dreadful feelings. You hate those feelings. You hate your people for making you feel so bad. You don’t understand why they do, but you don’t understand anything anyway – they’ve made that quite clear. And you hate yourself for hating them. You want to run away, but where too, and you can’t, they are your parents, it’s your family. And if they don’t love you, who will? It’s a very bleak picture indeed.

Can you remember feeling so bad, and how often you felt so bad during your young life? Can you remember how the feelings just went on and on and on, how the pain was ever present even though you tried to numb it out of your mind? Can you remember how miserable you felt, how disheartened, how unloved?

And if you can’t. Don’t worry, as you will when you do your childhood repression healing. Then you will remember. Days and days, years and years of feeling all those bad feelings of feeling unloved will come back to you, and you will remember. And you will remember so well that you will never again forget.