Day 1 – Doc, is it the big one… have I got it… the dreaded…

Another feeling-healing example:

I became aware I was feeling bad

Late yesterday afternoon I suddenly felt it. My throat was sore. Swallowing hurt. Gee, it came on fast!

I accept, honour and describe my bad feelings – I tell Marion about them.

‘Suddenly I’ve got a sore throat. It hurts right across the back of my throat, from ear to ear. It reminds me when I had my tonsils out, but it’s nowhere near as sore yet. I feel like I’m coming down with a cold. My head feels light, yeah, I even feel a bit sick.’

I express how feeling bad makes me feel.

‘I don’t want to get sick. I feel scared. I hate getting sick. I don’t want to get all coldy: coughing, runny nose, all blocked up.’

‘What’s the worst part you fear?’

‘It’s if I get really sick and I have to go to the doctor. I don’t want to go to doctor. But what if I have the flu, the Swine flu, and what if it makes me really sick? I don’t want to get really sick. I don’t mind a bit of a cold, but not the flu.’

‘Why don’t you want the flu, what’s so bad about it?’

‘I hated having to go to the doctor to get the injections. Whenever we got sick mum took us to the doctor. I hated sitting in his waiting room, the horrible smells, the old leather chairs all placed so far apart. Other people there, and everyone so quite. The mother’s all telling their children to shush. It was always so scary, waiting to be called. And then it was always another injection. “Yes, well we better give him an injection just in case it is the flu”. And at other times, “He better have a tetanus injection, he hasn’t had one for some time, and you just never know what might happen with summer coming up”. Always bloody injections – god I hated them, they always hurt so much.

‘One thing I did like about being sick however, was hearing those magical words… “I don’t think you’d better go to school today, keep him home for a week and then we’ll see how he is”. At least that was some compensation for having to go to the doctor, he was always on the side of allowing me to stay at home, but I still hated going to see him.’

‘What other bad feelings do you feel?’

I long for the truth of why I’m feeling sick. Expressing my feelings takes me into it.

‘I hate feeling so powerless being sick. Just having to lie around in bed, doing nothing, waiting to get better. Yes, it was always that this thing was making me sick and I couldn’t do anything until it – the bad thing – went away. So I’d take the pills or do whatever, but at least now I know I can speak about how bad I feel and look for the truth of it, that makes me feel not so bad, not so useless…

‘… Now a new bad feeling is coming up… yes, it’s anger… yes, now I feel really angry. And I feel angry with them, with mum and dad, with all the bullshit I had to put up with from them. It was how they treated me that made me sick. I can feel that now. I am so angry with them. They made me sick, they fucked me up so I had to get sick. It’s as if some part of me was even trying to get sick to stop them interfering with me, to make them see what they were doing to me. Gee it’s so clear, I would have never known that, but I can see it. They made me sick, then they fussed over me as if they were the nice and caring ones: “would you like me to bring you back something from work, are you comfortable, do you need another pillow, are you warm enough, how about I buy some fresh oranges, they’ll help you, what about a nice book to read over the week?” It was all such crap, they didn’t really care. If anything they were probably happy that I was out of the way – I wasn’t any trouble for a week. I’m so angry, I can feel it within me, it’s my bloody anger, the fact that I wasn’t allowed to express it that is making me sick. I’m all blocked up with it. I feel so cramped in my chest, like I want to hunch over, and I also feel like I want to break my chest open, expand it somehow, blow out all my anger, and blow it out all over them. I want to rip myself apart, rip it out of me. I want to smash them up with it. Give it all back to them. They can be fucking sick, they can have it all, they can leave me alone. I am furious at how they treated me. It was all such shit.’

More repressed anger, that’s what’s making me sick. How much of it do I have within me? There’s an endless supply. When’s it all going to come out? I don’t want to be sick… I hate being sick… I don’t want to get a cold… I don’t want to feel bad!

Some time later, just before bed.

‘Fuck it, you know, I can’t be bothered trying to fight it. And what am I trying to stand up to it for anyway? I can’t be bothered fighting with them, it never got me anywhere, they always won. So I’m giving in. Now I feel to give up, just let it come. Yes, if I am to be sick, so be it. Bring it on, just do me in, kill me, I don’t care anymore. I’m not going to resist it, it can overwhelm me. And so what, what will happen, just more bad feelings. I already feel so bad, what’s more bad feelings going to do to me? And I can speak about them to you. I feel bad. I feel sick. My throat hurts, it’s soarer down the back of it now when I swallow. And my nose is getting runny. And I don’t care. They can yell at me, they can make me do whatever they want, and I give up trying not to do what they say. I hope I do die, it would be much better than always being angry and trying to make them stop. I will just let myself be as miserable as I feel. I feel miserable anyway, so I’ll feel worse – so what! I hate them. I hate my relationship with them, it just always makes me feel bad. You know, I still can’t believe that I loved them, that I thought we all had a nice time together, when now all I feel – the truth – is that they make me feel bad. It’s a wonder that I wasn’t sick more often. I nearly died that time when I was around six, but that was all, other than bad colds. I wish I had died back then.’

Having said all that to Marion, now I feel my cold moving more into my chest. But I feel okay about it. I no longer feel angry, and in fact I actually like feeling a little bit sick. It makes me feel like I’m changing, like yuk in me is breaking down and coming out. I want to change, and it feels like a good cold, firing up my system, will help me. I’ve seen so much about myself of late that I don’t like, and I want it all to go, so perhaps this will help it. I’m looking forward to speaking about the next good or bad feeling my cold makes me feel…

3. The importance of LONGING for the Truth.

Now while you are accepting yourself as you truly feel and telling your friend all about it, you can desire and long to know why you feel the bad feelings you feel.

Why do you feel bad? The answer – the TRUTH – is within you. And it’s through your feelings (by accepting and expressing them), and desiring and longing for the truth, you can uncover it.

Wanting the truth; wanting to know the truth with all your heart, is what drives your finding it.

You can use your feelings to help you uncover the truth of what you are feeling now in any experience; and you can also use them to take you back within yourself to the truth of your early childhood.

You long and want to know the truth with all your will, whilst you keep talking about and expressing all you feel. These two actions are the key to healing yourself. You don’t have to always do them at the same time, but when you feel to do them. Mostly you concentrate on expressing your bad feelings, then during a pause, natural or contrived, you can long for the truth of them; then continue expressing them.

You never force the truth. You never use your mind to try and make it come. You never use your mind to try and answer the question: why am I feeling these feelings. It will come of it’s own accord when you’ve expressed all you’ve needed to. The truth is the pot of gold at the end of your feeling-rainbow.

In seeking to know the truth of your childhood, when you experience something that makes you feel bad, as you accept and speak about it, the bad feeling may seem to grow and expand making you feel far worse than you first did; this happening as you tap into and access, and start to bring up, your associated hidden repressed feelings. Your bad feeling experience now acts as a trigger to help take you back into your early childhood repressed bad feelings. And to complete your Feeling-Healing, this is what you want to happen, so potentially as all your buried yuk and bad feelings start to rise, you’re going to feel even worse than you did. And as this meant to happen, it shows you’re on the right track.

And here’s where wanting to know why you feel bad comes in. You want to know why you have such hidden and repressed bad feelings.

You want to know, and so long and desire to know with all your being, to find the answer. You long to see the WHOLE TRUTH of ALL you are feeling. And what you see might not be too pleasing, but you just have to keep going.

And it’s not until the truth shows itself, which it will do so long as you stay focused on accepting and expressing your bad feelings, that your healing will be complete. When you see the truth; when you see what your feelings are showing you, then your healing is done. That part of you you are denying, being denied through your feelings, will no longer be rejected. So as you will no longer be rejecting this part of yourself, there will no longer be any reason for you to feel bad. All the bad feelings that have been locked away inside you having finally come out. With the result being that you now know yourself a little more, just how you would and should have done when you were forming.

The whole reason why you are doing your feeling-healing – why you want to heal your childhood repression – is not only to heal yourself of all your pain, but to understand what went on in your relationships with your parents and carers when you were small. What they did to you that caused you such pain and the repression of so many bad feelings. And facing this truth will no doubt bring into question a lot of what you believe your relationship with your parents is about.

Healing your childhood repression through bad feeling acceptance.

Your FEELINGS are you, NOT your thoughts or beliefs. You are denying many feelings, especially your bad ones. So to heal yourself you need to do the opposite – ACCEPT ALL YOUR FEELINGS.

So your childhood repression healing begins by:

Accepting and admitting, and gradually becoming more aware that you are denying bad feelings.

When you feel bad – stop. Acknowledge that you are feeling bad. Allow yourself to feel as bad as you feel. This is usually hard to do.

If you can, and this part is vitally important, tell someone who cares about you that you are feeling bad. Tell them all you feel. Speak about – express – your bad feelings. They are within you and they want to come out – so speak them out. They are not going to come out, forever remaining inside you and doing you no good, if you do not speak about them.

Then want to know with all your being why you are feeling bad. Long for the truth of your bad feelings.

DON’T use your mind or allow it to tell you the reason why you are feeling bad – why you think you feel bad. The healing of your childhood repression is all FEELING-HEALING. Your mind will want to stay in control keeping you denying your bad feelings, so you have to keep speaking about them as you feel them to break this control.

Longing for the truth of your bad feelings is also vitally important. If you don’t REALLY and TRULY want to know why you feel bad, forget it, as nothing will happen. You have to want to eventually uncover the WHOLE TRUTH of what happened to you as you were forming, and what such negative influences have made you become. You have to want to see the whole truth of your relationships with your parents and family. If you don’t – forget it. At best you might only get into some superficial layers deluding yourself you are making progress, or worse, that you have healed yourself of your traumas.

Once you have longed determinedly for the truth of why you are feeling bad, speak more about how your bad feelings are making you feel.

And keep speaking and expressing all your bad feelings – ALWAYS!

You don’t have to do anything else. The truth will come to light by itself when you are ready for it.

So this is very simply all you have to do. And if you’ve had any good therapy or worked on yourself with success, you will be able to recognise this procedure in how you’ve helped yourself.

Become aware that you are feeling bad.
Admit and acknowledge your bad feelings.
Speak about and express them to someone who wants to listen and know you.
Long for the TRUTH of why you are feeling them.
Speak more about how bad you feel.
Be patient, in time the truth will come.