In the clinic

So, one way or another you are here, in the clinic. You might even say, finally you’ve made it. You may have feared it and resisted it, but something within you said that one day… one day it would all get too much… and now that day has arrived.

So you are in a very bad way. Probably way too bad a state to read something like this. You are fucked and feel so, you’re at the end, there is nothing else for you or that you can do. You have to give up and give in to those about you, the system, and you don’t care, you’ve gone past that. Just let me die.

But they won’t. And so you are faced with that eternal problem of having to try and help yourself, do something, even heal yourself. But it all seems so futile. What’s the point, you’ve tried and nothing has helped. You’re at the end of the road, with no hope, no future, you’re just to fucked up, and don’t care about those things anyway. You don’t care about anything, especially yourself. But you can’t kill yourself. You may have even tried, but it didn’t work. Something is making you stay alive, something is making you remain in your endless suffering and torture. You are isolated, very alone, walled-off in your nothingness state. But still they want to try and help you.

So you go to the psychologist, the counsellor, privately and the group, and you sit and listen and occasionally speak. You go once or twice a week, maybe more. It’s a pain but you have to go, it’s all part of your ‘treatment’.

You can hardly think or focus because of all the pills, your emotions and feelings are like a holocaust within you, or the cyclone is blowing just too hard and you are numb, feeling-less, in a place of at least a little peace, a place to hide for a moment or two.

You are in the clinic because it’s all finally got too much, but what is ‘all’?

And what all is, are all the unexpressed bad feelings that have been raging around for so long inside you. They have raged within you from your very beginning, and you’ve kept them all in. You may have had outbursts, but nothing more than letting off steam. They have just filled you up to the point of near suffocation – you’re saturated with them. You are just one big storm of bad feelings, and if you do want to try and heal yourself, which incredibly you can, all the storm of repressed feelings has to come out. And although speaking about how bad you feel might be the last thing you feel like doing, it is what you need to do to help yourself.

Speak! Speak, speak and speak more, ALL THE TIME, ALL DAY LONG, about how bad you feel. And if you can’t speak then moan and groan. The therapy you need is anything to make you speak about all the bad feelings that are jammed up inside you. To speak and never stop speaking, to speak out every bad feeling you have ever felt since you began. To speak out all those years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds of not speaking about how bad you felt. To speak, and speak, and speak some more. To speak until you hate speaking because you’ve spoken so much; to speak because you’re sanity depends on it. To speak because you want to bring out all the yuk inside you. To speak your way out of the clinic.

And if you can’t speak, there are people who can help you. They can prompt you – push you; they can demand you do, and they can listen to you. But they will have to just listen to you and not interfere with your bad feeling expression by telling you how you should be and what you should do. If they do, nothing will be gained, they being just as your parents were to you. And there will be a lot to listen to, and you’ll need more than a few hours a week, but speaking is what you MUST do. If you don’t, then there is literally no hope, not at least until you die and move into spirit where there will be many ‘friends’ who will be able to devote all their time to just listening to you speak about how bad you feel.

You have come to the end of your line, and all because you weren’t allowed to express your bad feelings as a young child and along the way in your life. You’ve kept it all in and the weight of the masses of unexpressed bad feelings is crushing you out of existence. And the only way to help yourself is to reverse the situation – so speak about all how bad you feel – to finally let your bad feelings out. Speak and yell and rage and express the storm within you. Move from the eye of the hurricane out into the full blown gale. Speak out every rain drop – every bad feeling, contained within the clouds, within the clouds of your depression, within the clouds of your despair.

Speak about how YOU feel. No one wanted to know how YOU felt. But now YOU can. And as you will speak, you too will be listening – listening to YOU. Hearing all the pain you are suffering, feeling sorry for YOU, yourself. You will be caring for yourself when no one cared for you. You will be giving to yourself what YOU have always needed – PERSONAL LOVING ATTENTION. You will be the person who attends to yourself, all being done as you SPEAK – as you speak about every bad feeling you feel. It is how you will love your way back into existence, back into one day feeling good about yourself. And it will be a hell of journey. But no worse than the hell it already is.

What is the aim of healing your childhood repression?

It is to find the truth of your childhood repression; and of course, to heal all your pain, trauma and suffering. The finding of the truth is the sign that there is no longer any pain left hidden within you.

And it is to uncover within yourself – all through your feelings – the truth of your relationship with your parents and anyone else who was influential in your life during your forming years.

And the truth all boils down to whether or not you feel loved. And how much you do or don’t feel loved.

And this includes other aspects, such as: do you feel wanted by your parents, do you feel you were important to them; how did they not want you, how did they reject you; how did they love and accept you making you feel special and important to them ?

And associated with all the negative parts is pain – a huge amount of pain contained in you as repressed bad feelings. All those feelings you would have felt when not feeling as loved, wanted and special as you needed to feel. And all those bad feelings are buried inside you, crippling your self-expression and your ability to feel good about yourself.

To find the truth is very difficult, because who wants to discover that they weren’t loved, that they weren’t wanted, that they were unimportant to their parents. But it’s the truth of such feelings that needs to be seen and fully accepted – FULLY FELT. That which you will do as you work your way through your childhood repression healing.

How to heal your childhood traumas.

What I am advocating is healing them through what I call Feeling-Healing.

Your trauma, no matter when it happened or what it is – any bad experience, as you know, will make you feel bad. And just because it might have happened a long time ago doesn’t lessen the pain.

So to begin your feeling-healing, to begin healing your trauma, accept these bad feelings. Don’t push them away. Don’t take pills to get rid of them. Don’t go to a therapist to have them give you an alternative way to deal with and deny them. Don’t tell yourself you shouldn’t be feeling them, or listen to anyone else telling you they are not important. They are vitally important, they are you, and YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT!  And you have them for very valid reasons, which you can find out by accepting them and allowing them to be.

You go head on and ACCEPT THEM – you allow yourself to FEEL AS BAD AS YOU CAN.  But this is hard to do as it will go against all your programming and self-controlling beliefs.

AND, as you are doing this, it’s imperative you speak about, emote and EXPRESS them as fully as you can to a friend. You need to say to someone (even a therapist) who is really the world and your parents, ‘I FEEL BAD. I FEEL VERY MISERABLE…’ You need to be able to stand up and admit it, to hear yourself say it, then have your friend – another person – accept you as you are, saying in effect, ‘You have all rights to feel as you do, to feel bad. It’s absolutely right what you are saying about yourself. Tell me more. I want to know all about your pain and suffering, all about the terrible things they did to you’.

And as you are speaking about all your feelings you long for the TRUTH of them. You want, desire, long to know why you are feeling them. Why do you feel bad? What has happened to you? What did they, those who should have loved and cared about you, do to you to make you feel so bad?

And you keep going speaking about all your bad feelings. You DON’T use your mind to try and work out answers, nor do you allow your ‘well-meaning’ friend to come up with answers if they are that way inclined.

You just stay true to your feelings, concentrating on speaking about them and all you think and feel to do with them. The truth, the answers, the insights and understanding will come of their own accord, BUT ONLY when you’ve expressed all your suppressed and repressed bad feelings out of you. And this takes time, even a long time before you’re making headway. Or, it can be relatively quick. It’s just what you need, the process you need to go through to wake you up to your traumatised state.

So try not to look for the quick fix. And even if you feel you’ve had a big breakthrough and outpouring of emotion, feelings and revelation, there may still be a lot more to see.

From what I have observed, a lot of people may know or suspect they have experienced a major trauma in their early life. And so naturally want to try to heal it. And if successful, are then able to ‘get back on the horse’ resuming something of a ‘normal’ life. But in doing so, may fall into the trap of feeling they have healed ALL their childhood repression, now their main trauma has been released and the truth seen.

What I am presenting is the understanding that there is more. Certainly, if you just want to heal your trauma so you can live a so-called normal life like everyone else – fine, but what I am saying is, what is considered normal is STILL NOT RIGHT. You’ll still be full of feeling-denial and more repressed childhood bad feelings that need expressing, and all that’s causing them will need to be healed. There will still be a huge amount of healing to do; bad feelings to express; truth to find, so as to rectify all your personality suppression and deep will damage and dysfunction.

Focusing on and healing one specific trauma, even if it’s very large and all absorbing, is only a PART of the overall picture and problem, that which I’m endeavouring to bring to light.

From what I have experienced during my childhood repression healing there are definite levels to it. And each time I finish off – heal – a level, I feel it’s all over, I’m healed and it’s all done. But with Marion’s help I have not been seduced by these intermediary good feelings and sense of accomplishment. My mind has wanted desperately to believe it is all over, and yet with her help, soon more bad feelings come and down I go, deeper still into myself working on the next level to be healed. And from what I understand, there are seven main levels, all with multiples of seven sub-levels. And just to complicate matters, from my experiences, the seven main levels seem to be contained within three broader levels. All these levels I have only a vague awareness of, and looking back over my healing can see something like them emerging, but I know not to fix things down, as they will no doubt change again, and deeper I will go, yet again, into another level or level within a level. I’m saying this to illustrate that no matter what you might think, there could possibly be more, and by the time you have truly finished your healing, I imagine you will be so different to how you are now, you will know that your healing has been fully completed. At least that is how I see it for myself.