I am the Greatest Evil One.

I am no love. I have a heart of stone – this I now know as I feel it to be so. This is the truth of my anti-love negative state of mind and will.

And I feel good. Surprisingly, I feel good being able to accept this about myself. It’s taken me years of hard slog doing my feeling-healing, but now I’m there, now I understand. Now I know I am cold, with no warmth, no blood, no fire in me, no love – just cold hard stone.

I have tried to resist this truth, I have not wanted to be told or accused of being unloving, but I am. I have fought my way to this hidden truth of myself and now I am there. Now I feel I need go no further, only to understand more about what it is like to be my unloving self.

I don’t feel love. I don’t feel loved by anyone – I don’t love. I used to believe I did, but it was only a lie, all make-believe, false and wrong. It was nothing more than a belief I needed to have so I didn’t have to face the cold hard truth. It was a belief given to me by my mother, father and grandmother. They believed it too. They believed they were loving, perhaps even all-loving, but they weren’t. They weren’t because I didn’t and don’t feel loved by them. And as I am of and from them, so too am I unloving. I too am as they are, only now I know and accept the truth.

I wanted to change the world. I wanted to make everyone be nice, kind, caring and loving of each other. I wanted to do this so they would all love me. The world being really just my parents. I so desperately wanted them to like me, to accept me as I was, to not try and change me – to just love me.

I wanted the whole world to do my bidding. I know the new way, the right way, and if only everyone were to listen to me, then we could all live happily ever after.

I wanted to change the world as many before me have wanted to, as many other people still do, but now I can see in myself, as I see in them, that we are all wrong. I am only wanting to do it for selfish self-centred self-glorying reasons. I am only wanting to be the supreme controller, the ultimate master of all. I want to be god. I want to wave the magic wand and make everything be how I want it to be – all so I will always feel good. So I want everyone to do what I say. And if they do, then I will be happy. It’s all for me, not for them, only I pretend and superficially make out that it is for them, this being exactly how my parents said it was for me. They said they were all for me, the life they were giving and making for me was all for me, but it wasn’t, it was only all for them.

Now I know the awful truth of myself. I am not all-loving and trying to be like Jesus, showing everyone The Way whilst showering the sick and poor with tenderness, goodness and love. I am the opposite, like the Evil Ones, with no love to give, only a leech wanting to suck everyone dry of all life, vitality, spirit and love – to suck them dry all for myself.

And I want to use everyone until there is no one left to use. Then it will only be me, the greatest person alive. But I will be alone. And this too is what I want. I don’t care about being alone because that is all I have ever felt, it’s all I have ever had. I am alone – that is my lot, as my mother told me, so I expect nothing more. Being alone I should be happy. Being alone I will be happy, because when I was alone I was away from them and I felt better. But I also know this too is all wrong. This is the price I pay for being unloving, for having no goodness and no truth within me. This is the price of my suffering – the cost of my pain. But I can live with it, or so I believe, as I have nothing else. There never was anything else, so this is all I have, all I can look forward to, all I can aspire to be. It is all I want.

So here I am, alone in my heart with nothing I love and no one to be loved by. I do actually have a loving person with me and a loving little cat, but I can’t feel their love for me. I used to pretend that I did, but I didn’t – I just wanted to believe I did.

I am with them and I am no-love, and I am alone. And there is nothing I can do. It is just how it is – how I was made to be. However as I said, strangely, I don’t feel bad about about it anymore. I am just as I am and that is all I can be – it is all that I AM. I is all I can be in my negative unloving state.

Addicted?

Who caused your addiction?

YOUR PARENTS! No one else. The same people who caused your childhood repression. You’re only doing it to yourself because of how you were treated during your forming years. Any other reasons you might tell yourself as to why you are addicted, will probably only be what they or someone influential during your early life told you.

Why are you addicted?

Because they denied you the love you needed to form with. From conception all the way through your early childhood, you were deprived of the love you needed to grow with. And you still desperately want that love. But it’s not going to come, and this makes you feel very bad. It makes you feel as bad as you felt back then. And the truth of it, you don’t want to face. You don’t want to feel all the bad feelings of being unloved. You don’t want to know that your parents did not love you. So you block them out – at least try to – with your addiction. You do something you believe makes you feel better – gives you the good loving feelings they should have given you.

And what if I know my parents didn’t love me but still I’m addicted?

The same still applies. There is just more truth and more bad feelings of not feeling loved by them waiting for you to see.

How do I heal my addiction?

By doing your Feeling-Healing – healing your childhood repression through the complete unconditional love of yourself; of all the bad feelings you are denying. By uncovering the whole truth of why you are addicted – the whole truth of your relationship with your parents. By allowing yourself to feel all your pain, all your bad feelings resulting from not feeling loved. The pain your trying to run away from, trying to quell, hide and squash out of existence with your addiction.

Will I ever be free of my addiction?

No, not until you have felt and seen the whole truth of it. You may stop doing it, you may feel you don’t need it any longer, but it won’t be completely healed until you uncover the whole truth through your childhood repression healing – then you will know you are free of it. By doing this slowly, you will give yourself through your bad feeling acceptance, the love they didn’t give you – slowly you will love yourself out of your need to be addicted. You will become the kind, caring, considerate, humble, all-loving parent to yourself that your parents should have been to you.

Can I heal my addiction and love my parents at the same time?

Can you love your parents for denying you the love you needed from them?

What about forgiving them for what they have done to me?

What about it? Worry about yourself first. Heal all of your childhood repression and need for your addiction, and then worry about them, if you still feel you want to. Until you put yourself first – your feelings, all the good and BAD ones, nothing will change. You’ll just go around in your mind still refusing to face and deal with the real issues at hand – that they didn’t love you. Until you give up trying to make happy family, it’s not going to happen. You’re fucked, they fucked you, and only you can get yourself out of it. And it’s only going to happen by accepting, honouring, expressing and seeking the truth of your bad feelings. All the rest of the healing processes are dicking around avoiding the real issues. Sure they may help you, they may even ‘heal’ you, but there’s still all the yuk to do with your parents buried deep inside you waiting until one day you decide it’s time to try and face it.

We are all addicted aren’t we?

Yes; to our self-denial, to our negative state, to our childhood repression, as seen by our ongoing denial of our feelings and our refusal to accept the truth of our relationship with our parents.

4. The importance of FOCUSING on your feelings.

Focusing on your feelings is focusing on yourself.

We have been taught to focus on our parents instead of ourselves. They demanded we pay attention to them, doing what they wanted, being how they wanted us to be. So as a result, we ‘lost’ the ability to remain self-focused, to remain in tune with what we felt. We were made to deny many of our feelings, to stop experiencing them, whilst making our mind take over.

With our mind we now control much of our feeling inspiration, even to the extent of contriving feelings to match the learnt beliefs and behavioural patterns our parents made and forced us to accept.

I believed I felt loved. Had you asked me before my Feeling-Healing, I would have said, yes, of course I know what love feels like. But now as the falseness of such love feelings has been revealed to me, I’m not so sure. I don’t know what love feels like, as all I knew it to be has proved to not be love at all, merely something I was told was love and believed felt like love.

Parents – and you can observe it all the time, especially with young children – because they are not self-focused or truly self-aware, focus too heavily on their children, seeing as it were, themselves in their children, even ‘being’ their children and so treating their children as they would themselves. They yell at and criticise their children, telling them how to be, as if their 1 and 2 year old toddler is an adult. They speak to their young children as if it should know better – even telling it so, as if it is an adult but for some reason isn’t behaving as it should be – as they have been made to behave.

It’s the weirdest thing, totally absurd and shocking to see, when a parent yells at its child as if the child were a grown up person. And telling it off because ‘it should know better’, abusing it because ‘how many times have I told you not to do that!’, and yet they are speaking to a little person who can’t possibly know what its parent is talking about. It doesn’t see the world through its parents eyes, and yet its chastised and yelled at until its crying for not doing so. The parents look and act like compete morons, badgering their poor uncomprehending child into being something it can’t possibly be. It’s outright child – person – abuse. If adults spoke to each other like that, you’d end up fighting or never having anything to do with each other again. Yet the child can’t leave, and it can’t fight. It can’t assert itself, and it’s all too easily overpowered. It’s forced to weather the angry tirade time and time again. And this treatment of their child, the parent would say, is loving, forcing it way beyond itself to be as the parent is. And to end up nothing more than a clone, a non-person, a shadow of it’s parents. So if this is love, then something is seriously very wrong. It’s not love, it’s only a fucked up mind believing and saying it’s love. And most parents are fucked up children, fucked up by their own parents, who shouldn’t have had children in the first place.

My parents shouldn’t have had me. They didn’t make me feel truly loved and wanted. And they forced me to focus so heavily on them that I became totally dependant on them, with very little independence of my own. I had so little of my own self-identity, and so few feelings of self-awareness. I was nothing more than a sad, fucked up, confused, miserable copy of them. And I now have nothing to do with them. My childhood repression healing and my search for my true-self got me away from their controlling ways. And nothing of what I used to call ‘my love for them’ exits any longer. My father is dead, yet my mother still persists in holding onto the fantasy that she loved me and I love her, and that one day when I’ve come to my senses, I will return to her, being once again her loving and dutiful son.

And I have told her no-way, it’s over; that I don’t love her; that their never was any love between us; that it was all unreal, and yet she won’t listen to me because she never did. She just persists in living in her own mind, cut off and separated from her own true feelings. And really I can’t blame her, I only need look at how unlovingly she was treated by her parents.

But the greatest move I made in my life was to turn away from my family, to end my role in the play of falseness. To say good-bye it’s over, and to get on with my feeling-healing and the discovery of my true-self. To slowly return my focus to myself and away from them. Beginning by focusing on how I really do feel – living true to my feelings; and particularly my bad ones, as I express them and long and look for their truth: the truth that when seen, enables me to slowly return my focus to my true-self – me.

I am still not fully self-focused, my childhood repression healing not finished, but at least I now know where all my problems are, and I am expressing my bad feelings that arise because of them. Accepting the feelings, longing to see the truth of them, and finding it.

My focusing on my bad feelings is my focusing on myself, the unwanted, rejected, unloved self. And each time I bring up more and express them, I am bringing myself out so I can get to know myself – the truth of me.  And this makes me feel loved.

How to uncover childhood trauma.

During my Feeling-Healing my childhood trauma have steadily been revealed to me, layer upon layer of them as they reach back into the very depths of my psyche.

When I first began my childhood repression healing I wasn’t aware of my repressed childhood bad feelings or any traumas. I just had parts of me, mostly behaviour, I wasn’t happy with. And I also felt scared a lot and unhappy, and nothing I seemed to do changed this, or did for a short time, but then the ever present ‘down’ feeling would return. I understood I wasn’t perfect and thought surely there must be a way to become so, and to become happy, but I also thought all I had to do was alter my way of seeing things and thinking and that would do the trick. How wrong I was!

The first big shock, as it became apparent, and virtually a trauma to me in itself, was that all I thought my loving relationships with my parents was, was not loving. And as I went further into my new and shocking feelings of feeling unloved by the very people I had believed loved me, I came to accept my whole early childhood experience was traumatic.

Then within this, smaller, yet very significant trauma, started to show themselves. Such as: when I had a half-brick thrown in my face at the age of three; conception – the realisation that they didn’t want me; my birth – a Caesarian, and the accompanying abandonment and rejection I felt from my mother; my time ‘in her’ during her pregnancy; my time during her emotional out-bursts and rages as I was growing up; my school years. But overall, all my bad feelings, feeling unloving and unwanted by my parents, and my grandmothers steadfast refusal of this, insisting that nothing was wrong, cementing into me my bad feeling denial.

Compared to some people who suffered a major trauma or a long series of them: sexual child abuse, death of a parent, severe and repeated illness, for example, I have not experienced anything too extreme, and for a long time during my healing, because no such repressed memories containing such ‘really bad’ traumas surfaced, I didn’t give my own bad feelings their full due.

But slowly as I felt more and more unloved, and understood how badly it’s fucked me up, together with all my negative self-control and denial, I have come to appreciate that no matter what ones trauma is, if one was made to feel unloved to the extend of feeling ones existence was threatened, then there isn’t a greater trauma to be experienced.

And when I have been placed back in such horrendous feelings, the pain is all but too great and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Accept those who did it to me.

In other posts I have outlined the Feeling-Healing method of bad feeling acceptance I have used to do my childhood repression healing, and I would say that if you use it, with the help of a friend or therapist, then it won’t be long before you move into the buried traumas of your early life.

And if you are already aware of some of them, by doing your feeling-healing you will be able to go with all the feelings of them, bringing them all out by speaking about them, and find their truth, thereby healing them.

And throughout your childhood repression healing, not only will you deal with your repressed childhood trauma, but all the ones you have experience through your adolescence and adult life.

Doing your feeling-healing is a complete healing, helping you to uncover every bit of truth about yourself and your whole life, all being done through your ongoing bad feeling acceptance.

What causes childhood repression?

From what I understand it’s the forced suppression and denial of yourself as you are growing and coming into being. If you are not allowed to be your true self, and prevented from expressing your anger at this and all the other bad feelings you may feel, then not only does your true self not come into being, but also all those other bad feelings remain within you.

The actual personality dynamics of how we come into being are very complex, and I wouldn’t begin to say I understand any more than some generalised concepts and theory. All I’ve to go on is how I’ve felt as I’ve worked my way back into my early years bringing up all the bad feelings that have been locked away inside me. Yet, as I’ve liberated these feelings seeing the truth of why I am in this state – what happened to me back then, I’ve become increasingly aware that I am changing, becoming more real and true. And how I know this is I feel it. I can’t explain it in any other way. I just know I am more of the true me, and I like what I feel about myself. And I become aware of how more of the false, unreal and affected me has gone. I no longer need to behave how I did, to maintain the false me I was forced to contrive as I grew up, in place of the real me.

As to what practically causes our childhood repression, I would say it’s our parents and ‘loved ones’ negative intentions we are subjected to. If they are unloving and untrue, themselves being false, then we suffer, with the greater suffering causing what are known to be traumas.

To have a stronger will force itself over you, not allowing you to be how you want to be, is very damaging, especially when you are only a newly forming and growing will. It is something akin to ‘breaking in a horse’, ‘bending’ its will to suit yours. It still has a will but you’ve forced it to only do your will, to behave how you want it to, effectively causing it to relinquish its own true will, making it into a ‘false’ creature, no longer a ‘real’ horse in the truest sense – no longer free, but a creation of yours. And we do the same to children to a greater or lesser degree. Then once the patterns have been formed, you being none the wiser, unknowing that you are not the real and true you, use your will to obey the patterns your parents imposed on you. And as you grow up you delude yourself that you are in control of yourself and your life believing you know what is right for you, but it’s not true, it’s all only how your parents have made and conditioned you to believe.

And you carry on denying yourself all your bad feelings, all your protesting anger and the misery and pain of being untrue; lying to yourself you are okay, when you are still, deep within you, traumatised and suffering.

So to unwind and heal all of this, you can begin by stopping the denial of your bad feelings. And as you allow them to be, you are beginning to allow the true you – unloved, unwanted, rejected-by-you and your parents, to be. And so up comes all the repressed pain along with all the other bad feelings.

And as this happens it is vital to express all your bad feelings, to speak about them and re-feel them without trying to deny them. And then to long for the truth of them. For you need to see the truth of their underlying patterns, because when you do it means you are right down in your original will formation and subsequent denial of it, able to now use your healing will to let go of all that you are doing to stop the full expression of yourself; to choose to live your way and not the way of your parents.

And in the moment of this choice, and often you can feel and perceive it, you know you are no longer this untrue, false you in this aspect of your personality. And this part of your childhood repression healing is done.

If you don’t long and seek the truth, you can express your bad feelings all day long, yet nothing will happen other than letting off steam. You may in the short term feel a little better, feeling like you have some power, but you won’t be taken down inside yourself.

The real cause of your childhood repression is your parents and other carers, and to face this truth can be very confronting and difficult, potentially destroying any so-called ‘loving’ relationship you might have with them. But then again, how loving can it be when they have caused you such terrible problems, traumatising you at the time in your life when you needed their love the most?

If you sincerely want to become the true you – to find out what that is; to heal yourself of all your falseness, show and imperfection; to fix all that is wrong within you, then you are going to have to face the truth of your relationship with your parents – there is no other way. And when you feel how badly they’ve treated you, fucking you up, you are not going to be happy with them.

If you value your ‘good’, ‘nice’, ‘loving’ relationship with your parents and family, above that of yourself, then you are not going to be able to heal your childhood repression. If you are prepared to rip everything apart, if that is what is what is required to save yourself and become the real and true you, then you will succeed in healing your childhood repression. It may take a long time, but you will get there.

And perhaps if your parents and family were to also do their childhood repression healing, then when it’s all over with everyone living true, you might be able to be friends and love one another. But until then, you have to be prepared to do the opposite.

Your parents didn’t set out to cause you to suppress and then repress parts of yourself and cause all the associated bad feelings, but by default they have. And so they are to blame. And blame and accuse them you will throughout your healing. You ‘do’ whatever your bad feelings feel to do, expressing and acting them out, more often than actually carrying them out, all to uncover the truth of why you feel them.

To find the truth of yourself is a huge task. You have to know why and what effect your parents had on you, good and bad, on every part of your early forming life – from conception through to becoming a young adult. And during that time you went through a lot that didn’t make you feel good, that forced you to deny parts of yourself, and you felt a lot of bad feelings you couldn’t tell anyone about. But now you can. And it will take time as you change and adjust to letting go of the false untrue you, while embracing the new real you. It takes time to live all the necessary experiences you’ll need to have to make you feel bad, so you can bring up your bad feelings.

And by the end of it you’ll know a lot about yourself and your relationships with your parents, all of which you will actually feel very grateful for, even though it was hell.

Shocking parenting

Another little child crying in the supermarket. The noise threatens to lift the roof off. How can someone so small make such a big noise? What is happening to him? Why is he crying like that? What has been done to him?

He’s older than I thought, but about as miserable looking as I would have imagined. His mother is ignoring him, just continuing on with her shopping looking at the shelves while he screams. Other people are looking around wondering what’s going on, and possibly thinking what should they do to help. An older lady passing tries to console him and gives sympathy to his mother. The two women give each other that knowing look. It’s them against him. It was one against him – his own mother, but now it’s two. And of course it’s all his fault. It’s always the child’s fault – isn’t it? Yes, we all know that, particularly those people who are angry with the crying, nerve-testing screaming – why doesn’t he shut up for god’s sake? Some people might blame her, but I guess it would be only a few.

I blame her. I hate her. Can’t she see what she’s doing to her child? How can she be a mother and yet do what she is doing to him? She is making him cry and scream like that. He’s not doing it for the fun of it. It’s ALL her fault. It has to be, he’s too young to know about such things. But such women probably think that they are never too young, they are always trying to get their way, have things they shouldn’t have, always trying to put one over their parents. The poor parents, gee, what a bum deal it is being a parent.

It’s as if being a parent was forced on them. I can’t see any enjoyment in it for her. It looks like a battle, and I know they’ve been battling ever since he was conceived. It was always going to be her verses him, she didn’t want him for himself – only for herself. So he has had to fit in with her, and if he doesn’t then there is hell to pay. And we’re all listening to that hell. And that is what he is objecting to. It’s all her way, it’s always her way, and yet she would probably say the opposite. She is doing all a good loving mother can do – what else can she do? She being such a good loving mother.

Loving? Ha! What’s so loving about how she is treating him? What’s so loving about how he is being made to feel? And she can’t see it. She’s blind to how she is really treating him. I can see it. And I can see that other mother with her three little children and how differently she treats them, and how they are all happy and enjoying their time together, but not him.

He’s terribly alone, scared, feeling desperately unwanted – rejected and unloved by his own mother. And the worst part is this is not his first time feeling such things, many times he would have felt them. And he is not alone. Just about every time we go to the supermarket there is a child like him. But such children don’t know each other, they only feel so very very alone.

No one loves them, no one cares about them, no one makes them feel wanted. They can’t have a life, not one they want to live their way. They have to put themselves aside, give up and submit to the greater power. They have to accept they feel powerless and then turn into false people putting on a false front trying not to show the world how pathetic they feel.

His crying goes on and on. How long can a little person cry for? I don’t hate her anymore. She’s fucked, he’s being fucked up by her, and what the hell – we’re all fucked in some way. Those happy children in the other aisle will probably be going through their hell, throwing their tantrums, later in the day or tomorrow. Does any child escape from the torture?

I didn’t. I am him; he is me. I was treated the same way. I was there all for my mother, nothing was for me, although she always told me it was all for me. But I never felt it was, and those feelings don’t lie. I know what he’s feeling because that was how I was made to feel. But I had forgotten all those bad feelings, repressed them, blocked them out of my life. But they all came back as I started to heal my childhood repression.

I’m that little boy. He’s not alone, only he doesn’t know it yet. But knowing others have suffered like you have doesn’t do anything for you – not when your in it, not when your deep in your pain. Not when you’re deep in your pain of not feeling loved, and only feeling hurt from being rejected.

Growing up, forming in life feeling rejected and unwanted – unloved – so many times is not good for your self-esteem, nervous system or anything else. No one wants to feel fucked. I know I sure don’t.