Using a therapist.

Although I have written that you don’t need one, that you can do all of your feeling-healing without needing such help, still I want to emphasise that if you feel you do need one, then you should follow such feelings.

So many of us are very fucked up, we’re not in a rational state of mind or emotions. And for such people I would strongly advise that they receive hands on help from trained people. They can still start to work on their feeling-healing if that is what they want, but still they may need a lot of face-to-face help from professionals.

Many people may need other structures put in place within themselves so as to deal with the onrush of bad feelings, all before they are stable and confident enough to tackle going it alone doing their feeling-healing.

What I write about therapists is not meant to be seen that I hate therapists and advise against then. That’s not true. All I want to do is point out that there can be certain limitations with them, as there are within everything that’s functional in a negative state of mind and will. And in regards to uncovering the whole truth of yourself, there will come a point when you have to go it alone, and go deep down into all of your buried repressed feelings, all so you can find the whole truth of your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your parents.

When you are in a very bad state, with so many bad feelings swirling around within you, they can all jam up or you can break down with them, or you can even pretend that you don’t feel any at all, feeling good about yourself. And for such people professional help will probably be a good, if not an essential way of starting to bring some sort of order and rationality to what’s going on. But as to what sort of therapy might be good for you, that I can’t say. Personally I’m not interested in what sort of therapies exist. Fortunately I’ve been able to do my feeling-healing without such help, although, I admit I do have my own personal ongoing therapist in Marion, that which a true friend can become. Nor am I interested in any psychological techniques because they are all mostly only designed to help you cope better within your negative state, not helping to get you out of it. And as I said, this might be what you do initially need. But when you want to start healing your negative self and feeling-denial state of mind, then you will be entering into doing your feeling or soul-healing.

When you leave your therapist, then the real work begins

When you leave your therapist and start working to find the truth of your childhood repression through your own daily bad feelings – then the real work begins.

You can only do so much with professional help. You can achieve a lot, but it will pale in comparison to what you’ll achieve when you finally start to go it alone.

You might even feel and believe you have fully healed yourself all thanks to the help from your therapist, but in that you’ll sadly be wrong. You will never completely heal yourself of ALL your childhood repression until you start to uncover the truth of it through all the bad feelings you are still denying.

Being with your therapist can certainly open up many hidden doors within you, and can expose and bring to light much pain and truth; and it may even enable you to feel good enough about yourself and your life to carry on pounding the treadmill, however it will be nothing like the doors that will open when you want to start looking into the truth of all you feel just in your daily life with your partner and friend.

You see, your whole childhood repression is all about you feeling powerless – your parents having treated you in such ways as to make you feel bad about yourself and your life. And the simple act of you going to your therapist, needing their help, confirms and is an expression of this. You are still needing the authority person to help tell you how to be and what to feel in life. Your therapist might not intrude on your self-expression when you are with them, they may be a good friend and helping witness, but still you are in the subservient position, still you are coming under their power and dominance. And the simple fact that they even want to be a therapist means they are using you, their client, to gain some of the power they feel they don’t have. So do you see, it’s not a balanced relationship you are having with then, and it never can be. And it’s still just the same as it was with your parents. You were not an equal person with then, nor are you an equal person with your therapist. But when you step away and face doing your childhood repression healing, as in through your feeling- or soul-healing, with no one other than your partner or equal friend to listen to your bad feeling expression, then you will no longer be in the lesser position, then you will no longer need to have the overshadowing of authority in your life. And then it’s all up to you – you have to find the truth of yourself within yourself all by yourself. And this can be very scary.

Many therapists themselves fear this. They say you can’t do your childhood repression feeling without them, without their support and wise guidance. But this is still just more of the same you got from your parents, them telling you the same things. All so you don’t leave them, all so you remain forever dependant on them, all so you are never free to fall down the holes in life for yourself if that is what is meant to happen.

And so whilst you’re under your therapists ‘wing’ you will limit your self- and feeling expression. You will never feel equal, and indeed be equal, free to slog it out with your partner and friend. Free to uncover the truth of your bad feelings all through the ongoing daily grind of everyday life. And this is what we all need to do, as it was during our early life grinding along with our parents that our childhood repression came about.

You can do all of your childhood repression healing without a therapist if that is what you feel you want to do. However, if this is too much and you need such professional help, then this is what you must do – you ALWAYS do what you feel you want to do. And once you are free enough to finally leave your therapist, then the real work can begin. Then you will be stepping out being your own therapist. Then you’ll be moving away from the control of your parents looking to freely control yourself.

The bottom – feeling – line, and love.

I’m writing for the bottom line. I firmly believe that we’re all living in a negative state of mind and will that we have been made to deny – deny all the bad feelings it makes us feel – resulting in our childhood repression.

When I say we all hate each other, that no one is loved by their family or parents; that no one truly loves their family or parents; that no one feels loved and is loving, I am speaking about how you feel when you are in the throws of your deep repressed bad feelings coming up as you seek to accept, express and uncover the truth of them. When you feel so bad, these statements become true – you feel them.

However when you’re not feeling so bad you might not feel such things so deeply, truly or excruciatingly painfully. You might feel love, for yourself, others, your parents and your family. You might not hate them or anyone. You might not even hate yourself. And you may even feel relatively okay about yourself and your life. And you may feel that all I say is too extreme and doesn’t really apply to you, that I’m way too far off track and full of shit.

But then when you’re plunged back down into your unloving bad feeling self-denying state, you might find you start to agree with me again. And this is how it may progress through your feeling-healing.

And you may, and I would think you should, wrestle intensely with the notion of love: what is it, am I loved, do I feel loved, do I love? And you might struggle with this all the way through your healing. I know I have and I still am.

But overall, no matter what you see and feel the truth of yourself to be, until you’ve finished ALL of your healing, still some part of you will be existing in an unloving self-denying self-rejecting negative state. And so when you are back in this part of yourself, even if it’s very small, you’ll feel the worst of the worst. And for this state, when you are right in it, right in the worst of your bad feelings, I am writing to you. I want to try and share and appeal to you on this bottom line state as that is where your pain is, and really, that is all that matters. If you feel better and loved and even loving in other parts of yourself, well, they can take care of themselves. You can express them as you feel them. But it’s the really deep ugly stuff you don’t want to feel or accept about yourself that you will need some sort of help with, and that’s what I want to do. To say to you, yes, in my small way, possibly I know something of how you’re feeling. To be possibly something of a small friend in your time of need, during your worst feelings about yourself. To be able to say to you: I understand.

So that’s why I’m trying to go for it, to not hold back, to not try and soften the blow. To push the truth up into your face. I don’t want to try and sweet talk it to you, saying: oh you do love yourself and your family and parents and they do love you, you did have some good times together. And so you may feel (within the context of the negative) loved by them and do love them, but still the fact remains that somewhere within you you’ll still be feeling bad, and it’s this pain that needs attention from you, needing to be brought out. And it’s in that pain I hope to meet you. I can’t be there in person but perhaps I can in ’spirit’, empathising with you and all you are suffering. I can’t of course know exactly what you are feeling or how bad you do feel in your suffering and misery, but I do know how bad I’ve felt in mine.

And it’s all because it is all about your negative state, and until that’s all healed, so what if you feel loved, when some part of you is feeling rejected, unwanted, unhappy and unloved. It’s the bad stuff we all want to get rid of.

So do we feel loved or not? And that is something you will have to work out for yourself through your healing. I have worked it out for myself but I am not you. I am only writing about me – how I see and feel about things. As to whether you’ll end up agreeing with me I can’t say. And it’s not for me to say.

And within our negative states, yes of course we feel ‘loved’. I loved my little cat and she made me feel loved. I love Marion and she makes me feel loved. And on my good days I feel good – even really good. And I feel loved and loving. However, I still know that whilst I have repressed childhood yuk within me, it’s still all within this context, and so is only relative to all I have experienced so far in my negative life. So all I call my feelings of love are still being conditioned and tainted by my self- and feeling-denial state. As to what love might feel like when I am fully healed, I have no idea. I can’t even begin to speculate on it. However, I do look forward to seeing what it’s like – what it feels like.

I am the Greatest Evil One.

I am no love. I have a heart of stone – this I now know as I feel it to be so. This is the truth of my anti-love negative state of mind and will.

And I feel good. Surprisingly, I feel good being able to accept this about myself. It’s taken me years of hard slog doing my feeling-healing, but now I’m there, now I understand. Now I know I am cold, with no warmth, no blood, no fire in me, no love – just cold hard stone.

I have tried to resist this truth, I have not wanted to be told or accused of being unloving, but I am. I have fought my way to this hidden truth of myself and now I am there. Now I feel I need go no further, only to understand more about what it is like to be my unloving self.

I don’t feel love. I don’t feel loved by anyone – I don’t love. I used to believe I did, but it was only a lie, all make-believe, false and wrong. It was nothing more than a belief I needed to have so I didn’t have to face the cold hard truth. It was a belief given to me by my mother, father and grandmother. They believed it too. They believed they were loving, perhaps even all-loving, but they weren’t. They weren’t because I didn’t and don’t feel loved by them. And as I am of and from them, so too am I unloving. I too am as they are, only now I know and accept the truth.

I wanted to change the world. I wanted to make everyone be nice, kind, caring and loving of each other. I wanted to do this so they would all love me. The world being really just my parents. I so desperately wanted them to like me, to accept me as I was, to not try and change me – to just love me.

I wanted the whole world to do my bidding. I know the new way, the right way, and if only everyone were to listen to me, then we could all live happily ever after.

I wanted to change the world as many before me have wanted to, as many other people still do, but now I can see in myself, as I see in them, that we are all wrong. I am only wanting to do it for selfish self-centred self-glorying reasons. I am only wanting to be the supreme controller, the ultimate master of all. I want to be god. I want to wave the magic wand and make everything be how I want it to be – all so I will always feel good. So I want everyone to do what I say. And if they do, then I will be happy. It’s all for me, not for them, only I pretend and superficially make out that it is for them, this being exactly how my parents said it was for me. They said they were all for me, the life they were giving and making for me was all for me, but it wasn’t, it was only all for them.

Now I know the awful truth of myself. I am not all-loving and trying to be like Jesus, showing everyone The Way whilst showering the sick and poor with tenderness, goodness and love. I am the opposite, like the Evil Ones, with no love to give, only a leech wanting to suck everyone dry of all life, vitality, spirit and love – to suck them dry all for myself.

And I want to use everyone until there is no one left to use. Then it will only be me, the greatest person alive. But I will be alone. And this too is what I want. I don’t care about being alone because that is all I have ever felt, it’s all I have ever had. I am alone – that is my lot, as my mother told me, so I expect nothing more. Being alone I should be happy. Being alone I will be happy, because when I was alone I was away from them and I felt better. But I also know this too is all wrong. This is the price I pay for being unloving, for having no goodness and no truth within me. This is the price of my suffering – the cost of my pain. But I can live with it, or so I believe, as I have nothing else. There never was anything else, so this is all I have, all I can look forward to, all I can aspire to be. It is all I want.

So here I am, alone in my heart with nothing I love and no one to be loved by. I do actually have a loving person with me and a loving little cat, but I can’t feel their love for me. I used to pretend that I did, but I didn’t – I just wanted to believe I did.

I am with them and I am no-love, and I am alone. And there is nothing I can do. It is just how it is – how I was made to be. However as I said, strangely, I don’t feel bad about about it anymore. I am just as I am and that is all I can be – it is all that I AM. I is all I can be in my negative unloving state.

Our loving families

Consider this: as we are all conceived into a negative self-denying state, we’re all full of childhood repression.

If you don’t believe or feel you have repressed childhood feelings within you, I understand, because before I started to do my feeling-healing I didn’t think I had any in me either.

Now, hands up who would say they come from a loving family? Hands up who don’t feel their family was loving? And you’d probably suspect the show of hands would be in the majority – possibly overwhelming – with most people showing they had and have a loving family. And those people would feel good about their family – right? Of course they would or they wouldn’t have put their hands up – would they?

Okay, so back to the beginning. You have repressed childhood feelings within you. You feel bad in some way, you don’t feel your life is what you want it to be, possibly you have some trauma from your early childhood you’re working on. But still you put your hand up to say you have a loving family.

But don’t you think something is wrong here? Doesn’t it seem strange that you say you have or had a loving family and yet you don’t feel good – that you are full of repressed bad childhood feelings? And that you are denying so many bad feelings all because you are afraid of the truth you might see about the relationships you had in your early life if you allowed yourself to feel them. And what is this truth you are so afraid of? What really is going on deeper within you? So let me ask you, seriously, what was or is so good about your family?

Do you see, do you get it? You CAN’T have had a good loving family experience, at least not as you want to believe it was. If you did you wouldn’t be full of childhood repression. You are living in a fantasy about your family. Your family IS THE DIRECT CAUSE AND ONLY CAUSE OF YOUR CHILDHOOD REPRESSIOIN. It, your parents, and possibly other members in your family, fucked you up. The mess you are in, why you feel so bad, is because of them – BECAUSE OF YOUR FAMILY!

So let’s have another show of hands. Who now feels they have or had a loving family? Can you feel the anguish in you? You want to say yes, but you now know it’s not what you thought it to be. It’s really a NO. But it’s a hard struggle to accept it. You don’t want to accept it. You don’t want to face the truth of it. And hey, that’s okay. Nothing bad is going to happen to you if you don’t, the bad has ALREADY happened to you – IT HAPPENED WITHIN YOUR OWN FAMILY.

We hold up and cherish the family more than any other institution. If the family fails, then it’s all over, we’re fucked, we may as well hand in our shoes and socks and piss off never to return again. What is the point if the family is bad? What can you have in life if you don’t have a sound and secure loving family, a place you can go back to when all else fails? What are you faced with when your one and only safe haven is shown up to be evil, the very horror you fear so much, the very torture chamber you grew up in?

And it is. That’s the sickening truth. The FAMILY is rotten to the core. It is the source of all your problems – all our problems. We uphold all the great family values, such as: not loving each other truly; stopping the child express itself freely; filling us full of childhood repression; believing we’d rather die for our family than say a bad word against it; pretending we feel loved when deeper within us the truth is we don’t feel loved – or not at least as how we needed to feel; ensuring it’s all not what it seems – keeping up the front and maintaining the show.

We go on protecting our parents like faithful morons, protecting the very people who’ve fucked us up. It was not their fault, we say and convince ourselves, our parents loved us and were faultless; it was our fault – the child is always to blame! We shouldn’t have behaved as badly as we did. We are to blame, we gave them too much of a hard time. We EXCUSE THEM. We excuse the family. And we go on pretending in the world we’re all one big happy family, but we’re not. The truth is we all hate each other, just as we all hated each other in our family.

But to come clean is a tough call. Who wants to smash their false loving beliefs about their family apart? Who wants to turn their back on the very EVIL ONES that have caused their childhood repression?

Yet that is what you face if you seriously want to heal all of your negative self-denial unloving state of mind and will. That’s what you’re going to have to do if you seriously want to heal all of your childhood repression.

Paying the Price.

If you cross the line you pay the price, and the price will be pain and will be paid in full. The Golden Rule is to never make or force another person or creature go against it’s own will; to make or force them to do what they don’t want to do – to go against and be untrue to themselves. And if you do, even if it’s in a ‘well-meaning’, ‘caring’, ‘loving’ way you are still causing them to hurt themselves by going against themselves and living untrue to their own self-expression. And if you hurt them it means you are already hurting yourself, as you can only do to another what you are doing to yourself. And if you are unaware you are hurting yourself, so too will you be unaware you are hurting them. And in hurting them you will have to suffer the same amount of pain you are making them suffer, bringing upon yourself yet more suffering and pain.

And this is how we parent, it’s how we conduct all our relationships.

We think nothing of yelling at our child forcing it to do what we want it to do, all the while being completely unaware of the damage, hurt and pain we are inflicting on it, or of which we are suffering making us treat another person in this unloving way.

We think nothing of yelling at our dog making it obey us; we think nothing of keeping the bird cooped up in a cage; fish in a tank, and we think nothing of allowing our cat to roam far and wide killing everything that takes its fancy.

And we think nothing of keeping all our farm animals to just make money out of them: to keep the cows in field without shelter, a single horse in a paddock without company, a pig enclosed living on concrete, a chicken…

And we don’t understand that we can do these things to other people and creatures, denying them their true self-expression, because we are already doing such things to ourselves, because that is what was done to us. We don’t understand we were treated this way as children and so we believe and feel it’s right to treat others in the same way.

We don’t understand that we can only do to another what was done to us. And if we were made to suffer and then made to feel that this was okay, it being how life is meant to be, then we naturally won’t see or feel anything wrong by making another suffer and be like ourselves.

We don’t feel our pain and hurt because we weren’t allowed to. We were forced to deny it. Our parents broke the Golden Rule making us believe they loved us when they made us feel so bad.

And we don’t understand, feel or truly appreciate that when we do a bad thing to someone else we too are going to suffer for it. Sure if we murder or rape or use another for our own ends guilt will catch up with us sometime, but we still fail to understand that it’s in all those seemingly ‘acceptable’ little daily things we do to ourselves, other creatures and other people – even to those we love – that are wrong and will one day cause us to feel the pain of the wrongdoing.

And we don’t understand because mostly we are too shut off to our bad feelings. If we weren’t and we crossed the line, immediately we would have hurt another in any way – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, psychically – we’d feel bad, we’d feel the same amount of pain we’d inflicted on them. And so naturally wouldn’t want to keep behaving as we are.

And we still fail to understand that there are natural laws in place governing Creation. That in fact we don’t have to make up any laws ourselves. And that if we were all living true to ourselves as soon as we did something bad to another person or creature we’d know we’d hurt and disrespected them because we too would feel bad, as if the bad thing had been done to us. So life would naturally educate us through our feelings as to what was right and wrong and how to conduct relationships in a loving way.

Life would be so much simpler and we wouldn’t need all our manmade laws, all which are necessary only because and to show us just how removed from our true selves we have become. The more laws we need the further away from our true nature we are getting. And the more untrue we are living, the more shut off from our true feelings we are and so the more pain we inflict on ourselves and on others .

Having masses of laws is not a statement of a civilised society, it’s a statement of in what a bad way we are – how unloving of ourselves and each we are and accept as being ‘right’.

We are only cruel to others and nature because we are cruel to ourselves. And we are only cruel to ourselves because our parents were cruel to us. And our parents were only cruel to us because their parents were cruel to them. And their parents were cruel to them only because their parents were cruel to them. And their parents were cruel…

Love is evil

On our world it is.

Just look at how we treat our children.

Just look at how we treat our pets.

Just look at how we treat our farm animals.

Just look at how we treat nature.

Just look at how we treat ourselves.

And we say we love all these things.

And this is the truth we have to accept.

This is the truth you will have to accept if you want to live true.

This is the truth of the negative state we all live in.

This is the truth you will uncover through your feeling-healing.

This is the truth we refuse and are so afraid to face.

And yet this is you.

It is me too, and I am slowly accepting it. It is what my healing is revealing to me about myself.

I am wrong. I am false. I am unloving – I am evil.

And I don’t want to be. 

And isn’t this post pretty?  And doesn’t that just say it all?

In the clinic

So, one way or another you are here, in the clinic. You might even say, finally you’ve made it. You may have feared it and resisted it, but something within you said that one day… one day it would all get too much… and now that day has arrived.

So you are in a very bad way. Probably way too bad a state to read something like this. You are fucked and feel so, you’re at the end, there is nothing else for you or that you can do. You have to give up and give in to those about you, the system, and you don’t care, you’ve gone past that. Just let me die.

But they won’t. And so you are faced with that eternal problem of having to try and help yourself, do something, even heal yourself. But it all seems so futile. What’s the point, you’ve tried and nothing has helped. You’re at the end of the road, with no hope, no future, you’re just to fucked up, and don’t care about those things anyway. You don’t care about anything, especially yourself. But you can’t kill yourself. You may have even tried, but it didn’t work. Something is making you stay alive, something is making you remain in your endless suffering and torture. You are isolated, very alone, walled-off in your nothingness state. But still they want to try and help you.

So you go to the psychologist, the counsellor, privately and the group, and you sit and listen and occasionally speak. You go once or twice a week, maybe more. It’s a pain but you have to go, it’s all part of your ‘treatment’.

You can hardly think or focus because of all the pills, your emotions and feelings are like a holocaust within you, or the cyclone is blowing just too hard and you are numb, feeling-less, in a place of at least a little peace, a place to hide for a moment or two.

You are in the clinic because it’s all finally got too much, but what is ‘all’?

And what all is, are all the unexpressed bad feelings that have been raging around for so long inside you. They have raged within you from your very beginning, and you’ve kept them all in. You may have had outbursts, but nothing more than letting off steam. They have just filled you up to the point of near suffocation – you’re saturated with them. You are just one big storm of bad feelings, and if you do want to try and heal yourself, which incredibly you can, all the storm of repressed feelings has to come out. And although speaking about how bad you feel might be the last thing you feel like doing, it is what you need to do to help yourself.

Speak! Speak, speak and speak more, ALL THE TIME, ALL DAY LONG, about how bad you feel. And if you can’t speak then moan and groan. The therapy you need is anything to make you speak about all the bad feelings that are jammed up inside you. To speak and never stop speaking, to speak out every bad feeling you have ever felt since you began. To speak out all those years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds of not speaking about how bad you felt. To speak, and speak, and speak some more. To speak until you hate speaking because you’ve spoken so much; to speak because you’re sanity depends on it. To speak because you want to bring out all the yuk inside you. To speak your way out of the clinic.

And if you can’t speak, there are people who can help you. They can prompt you – push you; they can demand you do, and they can listen to you. But they will have to just listen to you and not interfere with your bad feeling expression by telling you how you should be and what you should do. If they do, nothing will be gained, they being just as your parents were to you. And there will be a lot to listen to, and you’ll need more than a few hours a week, but speaking is what you MUST do. If you don’t, then there is literally no hope, not at least until you die and move into spirit where there will be many ‘friends’ who will be able to devote all their time to just listening to you speak about how bad you feel.

You have come to the end of your line, and all because you weren’t allowed to express your bad feelings as a young child and along the way in your life. You’ve kept it all in and the weight of the masses of unexpressed bad feelings is crushing you out of existence. And the only way to help yourself is to reverse the situation – so speak about all how bad you feel – to finally let your bad feelings out. Speak and yell and rage and express the storm within you. Move from the eye of the hurricane out into the full blown gale. Speak out every rain drop – every bad feeling, contained within the clouds, within the clouds of your depression, within the clouds of your despair.

Speak about how YOU feel. No one wanted to know how YOU felt. But now YOU can. And as you will speak, you too will be listening – listening to YOU. Hearing all the pain you are suffering, feeling sorry for YOU, yourself. You will be caring for yourself when no one cared for you. You will be giving to yourself what YOU have always needed – PERSONAL LOVING ATTENTION. You will be the person who attends to yourself, all being done as you SPEAK – as you speak about every bad feeling you feel. It is how you will love your way back into existence, back into one day feeling good about yourself. And it will be a hell of journey. But no worse than the hell it already is.

Day 3 – my cold

How my cold makes me feel reveals how I felt as a young child. It’s quite amazing. Each time I feel bad and focus on how my cold is making me feel, I can relate to the bad feelings being exactly the same as how I felt so often during my childhood. Through it I almost feel like I’m in two realities at the same time: back then and now, being shown and connected by the same bad feelings. This being what I am meant to feel as I use my cold to help shed more light on the truth of my early life.

Last night I had another dream, and this one helped me, as I spoke about it to Marion, see more about my relationship with my brother and our family dynamics. I have already seen a lot to do with my relationship with him, yet as happens through my feeling-healing, every time I go over it again because of more bad feelings, I see deeper into it, more subtle aspects, gaining a greater understanding.

In my dream I separated from my brother refusing to do what he wanted, and I felt good for the first time seeing that his way was not mine.

Speaking about how the dream made me feel helped me to understand how so much more attention was focused on him, he being younger than I. He got away with doing things that I got punished for. He was the one to entertain the family; I was just there to help him. I was meant to look after him, to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble. It was all him and not me, making me feel I wasn’t important; he was, I wasn’t allowed to be an individual in my own right, but he could. I wasn’t equally the central focus, I was always in the background doing all I could to support him. He was more the leader, and yet they told me I was to lead him being the eldest. I was praised for being a good boy being his minder, and clung to the praise wrongly believing they did like me, and that I too was important, but it was all for the role I played and not for myself. So now as I strip my role away, that which my healing has forced me to do, I feel totally at a loose end, without knowing what do to without him to order around. And it helps me to see how fragile and false my feelings of power were, all just given to me by them, but nothing coming from my true self.

All of this helped to liberate feelings of sadness, and a deep feeling of hurt from a wound deep in the core of me: they loved him, not me; they wanted him, not me; they made a fuss of him, not me; all he did was important, even if it was bad, nothing I did mattered.

And these feelings explain so much to me about myself, and how I’ve conducted my life. I’ve felt more like an extra in a movie, sort of needed and wanted, but not too much, and definitely not to show up the main performers. Just so long as I stayed out of the way, didn’t demand too much attention, didn’t interfere with what was going on, then I was tolerated – just tolerated.

And I know if I were to tell this to my mother she would say I was wrong, that she loved me just as much as my brother but in a different way. And then she’d go on about how different we are, yet I now know it wouldn’t matter what she said. It’s all meaningless because the truth is: I don’t feel loved by her or dad or anyone else. So whatever is going on in her mind is her thing, and it’s not going on in me. Which then confirms all I feel, making me feel even worse, because I know she’s full of shit. And I know the truth of how my cold is making me feel is the truth of how she made me feel. And I know, because through these feelings I can remember; I can remember exactly how I felt back then. And it’s how I still feel as nothing has changed.

I am so grateful to my cold. It’s getting better now. Three or four days duration, compared to how my cold’s used to go on and on for a month or more, before I started to honour the bad feelings such sore throats brought up in me: before I wanted to know the truth of such feelings.

And I can’t tell you how much better it is to live this way, to allow my cold and all my bad feelings to have their say.  And to tell me just how it was in my early life, and just how it still is. And although I feel very miserable about feeling such bad feelings, feeling so unloved by my parents, still I would much rather feel such feelings than deny they exist. Because I now know I am feeling them, and once I have spoken about them to Marion, once I have admitted to feeling this way, then magically I no longer feel bad. I no longer feel the pain of such bad feelings – the pain of feeling unloved. And in fact I feel good, very good, as I feel more of my true self.

My feeling-healing brings out my sadness, along with my anger at being made to feel sad. My cold makes me feel, depressed and miserable, and together with my runny nose, sore throat, strange feverous head feelings, all being how feeling sad makes me feel.

And now that I am connecting this way with my cold – all through my feelings, it has no longer any need to help me, so it will go. The truth has been seen.

… and sure enough, the next day, it had gone, I was back to feeling ‘normal’.

Day 2 – my cold

Day two of my cold and the symptoms are getting worse. I haven’t had a bad cold since I started my feeling-healing, but occasionally I get a sore throat and feel like ‘I’m coming down with one’.

Marion in her usual enlightening way has been helping me to understand how my cold is really a bunch of my unexpressed childhood bad feelings seeking the light of day manifesting in what I call ‘a cold’.

It’s a new way for me to look at my cold. And I can feel what she means. I can feel lots of repressed anger and hatred from my early childhood ‘causing’ my cold symptoms. So it’s not that I have ‘caught a cold’, but that I have all these unexpressed feelings to now express. And sure enough as I speak about how bad I feel, out comes my anger with more insight into why I’m feeling it.

So my ‘cold’ is saying to me: you need help; you need me to make you feel bad so you can bring up more stuff. You need me to make you feel how you are feeling, but refusing to allow yourself to acknowledge. You need me to help remind you how you felt as a young child. And I know if I don’t speak about all I feel, my cold will just get worse.

My cold is as though I’ve reached a point in my on ongoing repression and I’m boiling over with repressed feelings, which I’m not allowing myself to express, so this has to show itself in a weird way called ‘my cold’. My cold not the actual expression of my bad feelings, only the signal alerting me to the fact that I have to now focus on and deal with these feelings.

Late yesterday my throat became sore. Now it’s 2.30pm the next day. And here’s something of a list to illustrate how productive my ‘cold’ has been so far in helping me see more truth about myself through my bad feelings.

But before I write it, a couple of hours before my throat became sore, Marion and I witnessed a sight that has also hugely contributed to what my cold has been helping me to understand about myself.

We heard very loud child’s crying coming down the street outside our house. It was a young boy, possibly about six years old, crying and yelling at his mother. We couldn’t hear what he was upset about but it looked like he was imploring her to stop. He ran around facing her, pushing himself wailing against her, but she just ignored him, pushed him aside and walked on. This infuriated him even more, making him run after her so desperate for her to do what he wanted as he repeatedly tried to stop her, only to be continually pushed aside. His loud heart-crushing hysterical crying could be heard as they continued on all the way down the street.

This incident is a perfect example of how we are provided with all we need when we want to uncover the truth of ourselves. For this little boy to come into my life at this exact time was perfect for me to help use my cold to see more truth about myself.

My list – so far what my cold and this little boy experience have helped me see about myself:

I am scared.

I hate feeling sick.

I hate going to the doctor.

I hate mum and dad for making me sick.

I’m so full of anger at how badly they treated me.

They made me sick.

They made me sick because I couldn’t express my anger.

They forced me to give up fighting them.

They made me feel weak, powerless, sick.

They made me feel just like that little boy might feel: I would cry, yell and scream my protest, only to be pushed aside.

They rejected me, didn’t care about my bad feelings – didn’t care about me.

I imagine that when the little boy finally gives up – as his mother certainly isn’t going to, that he will feel wrung out, out of his senses, weak, spent, pathetic, what’s the point, no one cares about me, all of which my cold is making me feel, all that feeling sick makes me feel. I feel glazed, worked over, as if I can’t go on. I want to die. I feel just as I did so many times with them as I tried to tell them how bad I felt by having ‘my tantrum’. I can feel-remember this through the  feelings of my cold.

I feel trapped and want to break out. My protesting comes to nothing. I have to do as my mother says. I don’t want to be brushed aside and treated as if I don’t matter.

I’m not free to express myself in life as I’d like to.

I want to smash everything apart.

I want to smash her apart. But I can’t, I’m just too pathetic, too useless.

I have no say.

I have no power.

I don’t matter – certainly not to my mother.

And all these insights, many of which I’ve had many times through my feeling-healing, have all come as a result of speaking about how angry I feel – how angry my cold is making me feel.

And still my cold is making me feel and connect with my buried rage. I feel just like that little boy, raging against the stone wall, and that wall is my own mother. Where is her love and compassion? How can she just lock down and pretend I’m not there? How can she just see me as a tempest she has to stoically weather, and once it’s blown itself out, can get on with her life like nothing happened? Yet it’s me! Her very own child that is storming at her. Me! How can she be so cold, heartless, cruel and unfeeling – to me?