So, one way or another you are here, in the clinic. You might even say, finally you’ve made it. You may have feared it and resisted it, but something within you said that one day… one day it would all get too much… and now that day has arrived.
So you are in a very bad way. Probably way too bad a state to read something like this. You are fucked and feel so, you’re at the end, there is nothing else for you or that you can do. You have to give up and give in to those about you, the system, and you don’t care, you’ve gone past that. Just let me die.
But they won’t. And so you are faced with that eternal problem of having to try and help yourself, do something, even heal yourself. But it all seems so futile. What’s the point, you’ve tried and nothing has helped. You’re at the end of the road, with no hope, no future, you’re just to fucked up, and don’t care about those things anyway. You don’t care about anything, especially yourself. But you can’t kill yourself. You may have even tried, but it didn’t work. Something is making you stay alive, something is making you remain in your endless suffering and torture. You are isolated, very alone, walled-off in your nothingness state. But still they want to try and help you.
So you go to the psychologist, the counsellor, privately and the group, and you sit and listen and occasionally speak. You go once or twice a week, maybe more. It’s a pain but you have to go, it’s all part of your ‘treatment’.
You can hardly think or focus because of all the pills, your emotions and feelings are like a holocaust within you, or the cyclone is blowing just too hard and you are numb, feeling-less, in a place of at least a little peace, a place to hide for a moment or two.
You are in the clinic because it’s all finally got too much, but what is ‘all’?
And what all is, are all the unexpressed bad feelings that have been raging around for so long inside you. They have raged within you from your very beginning, and you’ve kept them all in. You may have had outbursts, but nothing more than letting off steam. They have just filled you up to the point of near suffocation – you’re saturated with them. You are just one big storm of bad feelings, and if you do want to try and heal yourself, which incredibly you can, all the storm of repressed feelings has to come out. And although speaking about how bad you feel might be the last thing you feel like doing, it is what you need to do to help yourself.
Speak! Speak, speak and speak more, ALL THE TIME, ALL DAY LONG, about how bad you feel. And if you can’t speak then moan and groan. The therapy you need is anything to make you speak about all the bad feelings that are jammed up inside you. To speak and never stop speaking, to speak out every bad feeling you have ever felt since you began. To speak out all those years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds of not speaking about how bad you felt. To speak, and speak, and speak some more. To speak until you hate speaking because you’ve spoken so much; to speak because you’re sanity depends on it. To speak because you want to bring out all the yuk inside you. To speak your way out of the clinic.
And if you can’t speak, there are people who can help you. They can prompt you – push you; they can demand you do, and they can listen to you. But they will have to just listen to you and not interfere with your bad feeling expression by telling you how you should be and what you should do. If they do, nothing will be gained, they being just as your parents were to you. And there will be a lot to listen to, and you’ll need more than a few hours a week, but speaking is what you MUST do. If you don’t, then there is literally no hope, not at least until you die and move into spirit where there will be many ‘friends’ who will be able to devote all their time to just listening to you speak about how bad you feel.
You have come to the end of your line, and all because you weren’t allowed to express your bad feelings as a young child and along the way in your life. You’ve kept it all in and the weight of the masses of unexpressed bad feelings is crushing you out of existence. And the only way to help yourself is to reverse the situation – so speak about all how bad you feel – to finally let your bad feelings out. Speak and yell and rage and express the storm within you. Move from the eye of the hurricane out into the full blown gale. Speak out every rain drop – every bad feeling, contained within the clouds, within the clouds of your depression, within the clouds of your despair.
Speak about how YOU feel. No one wanted to know how YOU felt. But now YOU can. And as you will speak, you too will be listening – listening to YOU. Hearing all the pain you are suffering, feeling sorry for YOU, yourself. You will be caring for yourself when no one cared for you. You will be giving to yourself what YOU have always needed – PERSONAL LOVING ATTENTION. You will be the person who attends to yourself, all being done as you SPEAK – as you speak about every bad feeling you feel. It is how you will love your way back into existence, back into one day feeling good about yourself. And it will be a hell of journey. But no worse than the hell it already is.
