Strapped in

He’s strapped into the car seat.

He’s strapped into the pusher.

He’s pushed around.

He’s left strapped in his pusher in various places whilst they do what they want to do.

Some of the day passes and he’s still strapped in his pusher.

He eats and sleeps strapped in his pusher.

For a short moment or two he’s removed from his pusher whilst his nappy is changed.

Then he’s put straight back into his pusher.

He’s left again strapped in his pusher as they carry on doing more things.

More of the day passes as he remains strapped in his pusher.

He eats more, sleeps more, cries more – still strapped in his pusher.

Then he’s taken out of his pusher and strapped back into the car seat.

Finally he’s at home, the straps come off, and he’s allowed to be free… but only for a little while.

The little babies and toddlers that come to the Fishing Park stay strapped in their pushers (or strollers) for hours at a time.

During our most crucial forming time in life, a time when we need continual affection and hands on attention and care, we’re left alone, denied it, stuck in our prams, pushers and strollers. And we grow up being told we are loved, loved by our all-caring parents. We learn that rejection, abandonment, frustration, anger and boredom is feeling loved. The straps never being entirely removed.

And so it goes on.

The next day we then strap our child back into the car seat…

The creatures aren’t mean to their offspring, so why are we?

Mum and dad Cape Barren Goose stand together in the field near the dam with their six cute little fluff-ball chicks pecking around under and between them.

It’s such a lovely sight seeing how caring, how lovingly devoted the parents are to their little ones. As soon as anything threatens, father goose is off wings raised chasing away the intruder. Mother goose spreads her wings sitting down and all six chicks somehow manage to squeeze in under her all warm and safe in her soft feathery down.

Why is it that nature cares so well for it’s young, it supposedly being ‘inferior’ to us, and yet we ‘great ones’ yell, hit, criticise, chastise, correct, abuse, beat down to nothing, our children? Why as parents are we always interfering with our children, always telling them what they can and can’t do – always dominating and controlling them?

Why are we so mean and nasty to our children?

Why aren’t we as devoted, gentle, kind, caring, respectful and considerate of our children as the parent Geese are? The Geese parents don’t interfere with their chicks, they never tell them what they can and can’t do. Nature is unconditional in its love whereas we are conditional – why?

Why is it that we insist on living in a world that is anti-children, anti-nature, not basing everything we do around the weaker ones? Not putting the weaker, ‘lesser’, ones first?

Why is it that we say we love each other, that our children are the most precious things to us, and yet all we do is abuse and traumatise them treating them like shit?

Why is it that I hear little children so often crying, when I never hear the little baby chicks crying?

Why is it we are so wrong, living so far away from the truth of ourselves?

And why is it that we refuse to see how horribly unloving we are?

Why weren’t my mum and dad like the Geese mum and dad? Why didn’t they completely love me so I could grow up being as loving as they were, able to love my children like those little dark-stripped chicks will grow up to do?

Why don’t we get it, still after all these countless numbers of generations? What is wrong with our superior brains?

Did you grow up on good feelings?

We are supposed to grow up feeling good. Filled up with good feelings. Year and years of our formation built upon feeling good.

And yet look at how we form: subjected to endless bad feelings.

How many bad feelings where you subjected to in the womb? How many did you feel yourself? How many bad feelings where you made to feel as a baby? How many bad feelings were you made to suffer the agony of as a young infant? How many bad feelings traumatised you as a little person? How many times did you feel, unwanted, unloved, rejected? How many times did you feel shame, guilt, humiliation, ridicule, angry done to you by your ‘loving’ parents? How many times were you made to feel you have no rights, you are powerless, you are weak, you are nobody, nothing? How many times did you feel like no one wanted you, you were just a waste of space?

And all of these times sapped you of your vital life force, making you call upon extra energy you couldn’t afford to use.

All of these times have made you loose your true self, making your mind take over from your natural feeling-inspiration fabricating a false untrue you – the front you put on for the world. The front that says: I’m okay.

As adults we coach our sporting teams on positive affirmation. We pump up the players on ‘feel-good’ mind rubbish, so we can delude ourselves even more that we are GOOD. That we are THE BEST. That we are THE GREATEST. That we FEEL GREAT! And out we go to perform, to compete, to win. Out we go soaring to great heights in our all-powerful fantasises.

And yet, do we at least do the same for our children, even though it is all false?

No. Instead we beat them up, break them down, all in the name of ‘toughening them up for the real world’, making them feel useless, powerless, pathetic. Not warriors for life, but creatures of self-denial and delusion. Some of whom might one day even manage to become out great sporting heroes.

In the clinic

So, one way or another you are here, in the clinic. You might even say, finally you’ve made it. You may have feared it and resisted it, but something within you said that one day… one day it would all get too much… and now that day has arrived.

So you are in a very bad way. Probably way too bad a state to read something like this. You are fucked and feel so, you’re at the end, there is nothing else for you or that you can do. You have to give up and give in to those about you, the system, and you don’t care, you’ve gone past that. Just let me die.

But they won’t. And so you are faced with that eternal problem of having to try and help yourself, do something, even heal yourself. But it all seems so futile. What’s the point, you’ve tried and nothing has helped. You’re at the end of the road, with no hope, no future, you’re just to fucked up, and don’t care about those things anyway. You don’t care about anything, especially yourself. But you can’t kill yourself. You may have even tried, but it didn’t work. Something is making you stay alive, something is making you remain in your endless suffering and torture. You are isolated, very alone, walled-off in your nothingness state. But still they want to try and help you.

So you go to the psychologist, the counsellor, privately and the group, and you sit and listen and occasionally speak. You go once or twice a week, maybe more. It’s a pain but you have to go, it’s all part of your ‘treatment’.

You can hardly think or focus because of all the pills, your emotions and feelings are like a holocaust within you, or the cyclone is blowing just too hard and you are numb, feeling-less, in a place of at least a little peace, a place to hide for a moment or two.

You are in the clinic because it’s all finally got too much, but what is ‘all’?

And what all is, are all the unexpressed bad feelings that have been raging around for so long inside you. They have raged within you from your very beginning, and you’ve kept them all in. You may have had outbursts, but nothing more than letting off steam. They have just filled you up to the point of near suffocation – you’re saturated with them. You are just one big storm of bad feelings, and if you do want to try and heal yourself, which incredibly you can, all the storm of repressed feelings has to come out. And although speaking about how bad you feel might be the last thing you feel like doing, it is what you need to do to help yourself.

Speak! Speak, speak and speak more, ALL THE TIME, ALL DAY LONG, about how bad you feel. And if you can’t speak then moan and groan. The therapy you need is anything to make you speak about all the bad feelings that are jammed up inside you. To speak and never stop speaking, to speak out every bad feeling you have ever felt since you began. To speak out all those years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds of not speaking about how bad you felt. To speak, and speak, and speak some more. To speak until you hate speaking because you’ve spoken so much; to speak because you’re sanity depends on it. To speak because you want to bring out all the yuk inside you. To speak your way out of the clinic.

And if you can’t speak, there are people who can help you. They can prompt you – push you; they can demand you do, and they can listen to you. But they will have to just listen to you and not interfere with your bad feeling expression by telling you how you should be and what you should do. If they do, nothing will be gained, they being just as your parents were to you. And there will be a lot to listen to, and you’ll need more than a few hours a week, but speaking is what you MUST do. If you don’t, then there is literally no hope, not at least until you die and move into spirit where there will be many ‘friends’ who will be able to devote all their time to just listening to you speak about how bad you feel.

You have come to the end of your line, and all because you weren’t allowed to express your bad feelings as a young child and along the way in your life. You’ve kept it all in and the weight of the masses of unexpressed bad feelings is crushing you out of existence. And the only way to help yourself is to reverse the situation – so speak about all how bad you feel – to finally let your bad feelings out. Speak and yell and rage and express the storm within you. Move from the eye of the hurricane out into the full blown gale. Speak out every rain drop – every bad feeling, contained within the clouds, within the clouds of your depression, within the clouds of your despair.

Speak about how YOU feel. No one wanted to know how YOU felt. But now YOU can. And as you will speak, you too will be listening – listening to YOU. Hearing all the pain you are suffering, feeling sorry for YOU, yourself. You will be caring for yourself when no one cared for you. You will be giving to yourself what YOU have always needed – PERSONAL LOVING ATTENTION. You will be the person who attends to yourself, all being done as you SPEAK – as you speak about every bad feeling you feel. It is how you will love your way back into existence, back into one day feeling good about yourself. And it will be a hell of journey. But no worse than the hell it already is.

Childhood repression and our negative state – The Bigger Picture.

This is the overall picture my childhood repression healing has show me.

We are all conceived and born into a self-denying and unloving state of mind – a negative condition of being.

Our parents didn’t mean to do it to us, but couldn’t help it, mostly being unconscious that they were negatively affecting us.

We are forced to take on this negative condition, to make it our life and believe it’s the right way to live. And then everything we do, irrespective of what we may believe, is tainted by – if not completely controlled by – this negative state.

So not matter how good a person you might think you are; no matter how kind and caring and loving you may be; no matter what ‘good works’ you do, you are still doing it all imperfectly and in a false, untrue state of being.

When we feel something is wrong within us; that we are suffering from a childhood trauma; that we are not happy in any way, and want to heal ourselves, we look about trying various methods and approaches to help us. And if we feel we’ve healed or fixed that which we weren’t happy with, then we feel pleased with our apparent success, feeling very happy and much better about ourselves and our lives having solved the problem.

However, all we’ve done is fix one part of our whole negative state. And we happily get on with life, even believing we’ve healed all our childhood repression, when all we’ve actually succeeded in doing is helping ourself live more untrue within our negative state, as we feel now more able and confident to go out there, get what we want, and make life how we want it to be.

To heal ALL your childhood repression means to set out to heal – rectify – ALL that’s wrong within you – ALL your imperfection. And potentially this will take many years, including the healing of your traumas.

The ultimate goal is therefor to become entirely of a positive mind and will. To heal all erroneous beliefs and wrong behaviour adopted from our parents, culture and society. To uncover through our repressed bad feelings as we liberate them, the whole truth of our negative unloving self-denying state; becoming true, loving and completely self- accepting.

And in a way, to become as if we’ve been born anew, with all the pain and trauma from our negative parenting healed, and with the ending of our participation in it.

So in theory, if you were then to have children – once fully healed and of a positive mind and will state – in no way would you unlovingly negatively influence them. In no way would you interfere with them, stopping their natural self-expression.

Childhood Trauma

Your whole childhood was a trauma. Start there and do your childhood repression healing. All other traumas will be contained within, and be as a result of, it. And around and around you will go, dealing with all the bad feelings that are liberated, as you uncover the TRUTH of your childhood trauma. THE TRUTH OF YOUR CHILDHOOD.

That is what you have to find. It is what you will want to find. And eventually, as you commit yourself to healing your childhood repression, you will want nothing else in life – only to uncover the Truth.

And then you will understand how growing in truth – the Truth of You, is life, your spiritual life. And by the time you know this to be true, you will be a very different person, with perhaps little of the old you remaining.

 

Tame the Wild Beast!

Yes, that’s right, that’s what you’ve got to do. If you don’t, you’ll be sorry. They’ll be little renegades – devils – always causing you problems, so tame them while they are young – and the earlier the better.

When they are bad, isolate them. You don’t need to hit them – although you can do that too, as sometimes you have to when there simply isn’t any other way – just reject them. Put them in another room and don’t let them have dinner or their next meal, make them feel deprived of something, that usually does the trick.

Then, when they are resigned to their fate and completely apologetic, that’s when you’ve got them where you want them. Then introduce the reward. It can be a bargain of sorts; food; some affection works wonders; something that pleases them, all to reinforce their dependance on you, and at the same time, affirming without doubt in their little minds, who is the boss.

And before you know it they are doing what you want, behaving how you want them to, being the darling little angels they are.

We only can see the world through our eyes.

Our eyes being determined by our early childhood – what we saw and how we were made to see and experience the world in our family. And so as adults we largely still see, and judge or accept, the world through our child eyes. Our patterns were fixed, our behaviour set, with our adult lives being really nothing more than the outworking of our early childhood. So what annoys you and makes you feel bad during your childhood repression healing is reflective of what annoys you on the inside, it being representative of what happened to make you feel bad when you were little. And so we can use it, through our bad feelings, to take us back into those same feelings of our early childhood to find the truth.

Yesterday Marion and I drove off Phillip Island to have more of a look at the ‘mainland’ countryside – we went to Korumburra from Wonthaggi.

As soon as we left Wonthaggi the land opened up into mostly beef and dairy farmland. Miles and miles of open gentle rolling hills covered in grass – but where were all the trees? Where was all the native bush land? Where were all the gum trees, the wattles, the fantastic birds and all our beautiful creatures? As we drove we saw a tiny pocket of bush, a tree covered hill, a dense forested sectioned off area, an inviting dark green leafed small valley, but mostly it was farm upon farm of green grass. All the lovely lush green colours vibrant in the sun looked quite spectacular, but not the same as looking at a forest.

On the way home from ‘Wonthers’, back to the Island, I felt a headache coming on. Then I felt nauseous. And as I started to speak about my bad feelings, it became increasingly apparent that the whole experience to me was very traumatic, that in some way it had related to something bad that happened to me during my early childhood. But I didn’t know what. I couldn’t remember, and I couldn’t understand why seeing the land devoid of trees was affecting me so much, and yet I felt it was.

The more we spoke about it; the more I tried to moan and grown speaking about how sick I felt and how much my head hurt, the more I felt that sometime back in my past I had been taken out into bare farmland like what we’d seen and left there, taken away from mum and dad, from home, and left with some other family, something that I didn’t want to do and which greatly traumatised me.

As I concentrated on trying to express – trying to speak what I felt, trying to allow my bad feelings of sickness and pain to speak, my mouth dried up, my throat constricted, my eyes filled with tears and eventually, choking, I spluttered out, NO! DONT LEAVE ME HERE! And in my mind I was screaming with rage and the agony of feeling left, NO! DON’T LEAVE ME! I could hardly speak the words as emotion, too much and having been too deeply buried, rushed up in me, leaving me choking, slobbering, spluttering. And I threw up emotionally. I didn’t vomit, but huge deep dry retches of emotion spewed up out of me. And then it was over. I didn’t feel sick anymore. I still had the headache and the pain had moved and changed into being a more stabbing pain rather and a dull ache, and for the rest of the trip home we talked about all we knew of my early childhood that had been revealed through my healing and how it related to what I had just gone through. I also continued to moaned, groan and emotionally throw up as my head ache came back and went again in waves.

This morning I woke up with a picture in my mind of all the farm land we’d seen being covered in bush as it would have been before white man wrecked it. I imagined the hills covered in trees, and the birds, the animals, the little bugs and beetles. And as I spoke to Marion about this picture and how it was making me feel, so I could find out why it was in my mind, I became slowly aware that it was all me. How I was seeing the land was how I was seeing myself. I used to be covered in natural bush, lush, pure and untouched, a perfect piece of nature, but then my parents set about clearing me, clearing in me all they didn’t want. All that annoyed them, all that got in their way and made life harder for them. And so what am I left with, not much, just a little bit of me here and there with no way of connecting those parts. With a false me all but devoid of natural love having to live an artificial life of milking cows and watching the grass grow.

I still don’t remember if I was left anywhere when I was young, such as in the country, but that no longer matters. I can remember many times when I was left places I didn’t want to be. I was left as soon as I was born in the infant room in the hospital according to my feeling-memories. I was left every day I went to school. I was left emotionally. I was left alone a lot in my ‘corner’ playing with my toys without being communicated with properly; left to feel as if I was a stranger in my own family, a lodger in my own house; left to feel that I didn’t matter, that no one cared about me; and as long as I was good and did what I was told, then largely I was just… left.

There was also another very interesting point this experience helped me to understand about myself by putting the new me into perspective with the old me. The old me occasionally travelled in such farm land country, and I can remember back then thinking about the desecration of the natural bush, but it never emotionally effected me, not to the degree it did yesterday by making me sick. And that was because I looked at all intellectually. I would morn the loss of the environment and get angry with our unfeeling insensitive ignorant ways, but all mentally, all just within my mind and so at arms length. I didn’t allow any of it to come right in and deeply affect me. But now, the new me, the me that is allowing my bad feelings to govern my life instead of my mind, felt bad, and how very bad! Yesterday it was all highly personal. I was the bush. I could feel the violation and desecration within me of my unfeeling parents cutting down my personality as the trees were cut down; their uncaring attention stopping me express myself. I could feel it all around me, as if I could all but feel the pain of the land, the pain of Mother Earth as yet more wanton destruction took place. And as hard as it is to go through such harrowing deep emotional purging and feeling so bad, still I would much rather allow myself to be so affected emotionally than being shut off to my feelings and living alone in my mind. I would much rather feel my pain driving through that cleared land than driving through it impartial to it all, telling myself: well, there is nothing I can do about it anyway so why get upset about it. I would much rather know that what I can do about it now is just allow myself to feel all my feelings, and that there is nothing else to do. At least now I feel alive in my feelings relating to life, rather than just being in my unfeeling mind… and left all alone.

The tough part about healing your childhood repression.

What is really difficult about it, especially about considering healing it, is that it is going to take you straight into the truth of your relationships with your parents and carers – your ‘loved ones’. It is going to challenge your feelings of feeling loved by them and your love for them. And as the truth of these feelings of love comes up within you, it is very difficult to face. For what you might have to confront, deal with and then accept, is this love is not all you felt it was.

Do you want to delve into your early childhood to uncover the truth that your parents did not love you as you needed them to? That is the question one needs to ask oneself, because this is invariably what the healing of your childhood repression is going to be about; together with potentially years of seeing and feeling just how unloved you actually felt as a young child. And if you already feel and know you weren’t loved, then it will still be difficult for you to bring up the pain of all the feelings you have kept suppressed about how not feeling loved made you feel; but if you feel you were loved by your parents and place a lot on this, and the truth turns out that all you feel this love to be is not actually the great love you currently feel, that it is merely a belief you have created for yourself to deal with and hide the horror of not feeling loved, then the truth will come as something of a shock.

From what I can see as I read about peoples childhood repression healing experiences, often their healing is based around a specific trauma, one that mostly involves their relationship with one other individual. And as shocking as this will be in itself, what I want people to understand is that ones whole early beginning, involving ALL the major people in it, was of itself one huge trauma, and the healing of ones childhood repression will involve dealing with and uncovering the truth of all the unloved feelings you felt from EACH relationship.

If your parents loved you 99%, when you are moved into feeling your 1% of feeling unloved, when you are deep within it, you will feel COMPLETELY unloved making you feel as if you weren’t love at all – were NEVER loved. And to feel you weren’t love 100% is terrible, perhaps the worst feeling, or group of feelings, you can feel. And when you are faced with this truth it is hard to look at your parents in the same light, and invariably your relationship with them is going to change – and not for the better. So the healing of childhood repression is going to adversely affect your relationships, which may or may not be a good thing for you.

And so it is even conceivable that to heal all your childhood repression you are going to end all relationships with those who caused you to have it. So no more ‘nice’ and ‘loving’ relationship with your mother and father, sisters, brothers, grandmother and grandfather, aunt and uncle. So as you see, it may be hard to face and deal with such potential realities. And as to how bad it will be for you I can’t say, however we are all full of repressed childhood bad feelings, so none of us, no matter how loved by our parents we might feel we are, have been loved completely as we needed to be. So we are all to some extent going to feel bad about our relationships with those who brought us into life.

And it is because of this: the fear of facing the truth of ones relationships with ones parents, that I believe so little has come to light about our childhood repression. We all so desperately want to cling onto the ‘love’ we have with and feel from our parents and family, so for most of us the last thing we want to do is challenge it and potentially expose it for being untrue, even if the underlying truth is that it is all false and nothing more than a sad game of self-delusion we are playing.

And so too is it conceivable that many people will fight to the death to protect their love of their parents and family, even when it is completely obvious that they weren’t loved and don’t feel truly and fully loved by their parents. But when you start to get into healing it, the truth starts to outweigh the falseness, and it doesn’t take long before anger starts to overcome such pretensions and false illusions.

If you do seriously want to uncover the whole truth of yourself – there to be found as you heal all your childhood repression – then it is not going to be a pleasant journey. And it is not going to be about finding superficial forgiveness with your parents and those who caused you your pain and suffering all so you can shut out your deeper repressed pain and bad feelings. Forgiveness and sympathy may come at the end of it all, when you have completely healed all your suffering, but that’s not going to be for years, because there is certainly going to be a lot to heal.

Childhood Repression in perspective…

Let me try to put childhood repression into perspective, this being how I experience it:

I’m full of it. You’re full of it. We’re all full of it.

Anything that is spoken of as being ‘denial’ is really the denial of some aspect of yourself, of your personality, something that you were made to do during your forming years and are still doing it.

When you are ‘in denial’ you are really denying – not allowing yourself to express – all the feelings you feel, this being largely what your upbringing consisted of: feeling-denial.

Consequently you live, I live, we all live, denying many bad feelings, all of which cause us pain. And pain we may or may not be currently aware of.

When your parents stopped you from being your true-self as a young forming person, they made you deny parts of yourself. You put yourself aside, suppressing yourself, and have then kept this suppression, repressed – hence your childhood repression.

From conception to the formation of your mind, around six years old, each time you were stopped from expressing yourself as you wanted to, you suffered, and all that suffering is still within you.
For example:

‘Stop that James, don’t do that that way, do it like this… that is not the way to do it, I told you how to do it, so do it as I told you… oh how many times do I have to tell you, not like that, like this… are you stupid or something, you do it like this… stop being naughty, smarten up will you, and do as you are told… if you don’t do as I say I won’t take you to the park and I’ll tell your father you’ve been misbehaving and he can deal with you when he gets home…’

What chance did I have of ever expressing myself how I might have wanted to. It was all her way, all their way, NOT MY WAY, and that hurt. It fucked me up; fucked me up no end, but it wasn’t until I started to heal my childhood repression that I got back in touch with the feelings associated with episodes like this. And what have I felt?

Anger, huge amounts of anger. Misery, pain and many more bad feelings. And I have felt a lot of them. And I still feel them as I uncover yet more truth about how badly and how unlovingly I was treated by the very people who I believed loved me; who I believed cared for me and had my best interests at heart.

Being forced to not be how you want to be, to be how they want you to be, has caused a lot of damage within you – traumas on various levels, and great amounts of suffering. Imagine if someone came along to you now and said stop what you are doing and do what I tell you to do – how would this make you feel? And how many times in your early childhood did this happen to you, being told by those who were bigger, stronger and older than you – your parents and other adult carers – that you couldn’t be how you wanted to be? And so how do you think you felt about such things happening to you when you were a little child, especially when you had no power, when your saying no was easily rendered ineffective by them as they just took you over forcing you to comply to their demands?

But do you remember each and every one of these times when you were overpowered by them? No, how can you. But each of those times and all their associated bad feelings are still inside you. And will continue to be, until you want to re-connect with them; until you want to go back to them and re-experience all the anger you felt and all the pain you suffered being stopped from living how you wanted to live.

Your childhood repression is a HUGE thing within you. It governs your every moment, and mostly you are totally unaware of it. But it’s there, it’s all there, for where else could it be, it couldn’t have just gone away.

Your childhood repression is within you, and it’s within you irrespective of what you may or may not believe about it. And the longer you deny it, the greater the pain it will cause you.