Just keep on praying

Pray it away, get rid of those bad feelings, that’s what you’ve got to do. That’s what you’ve been taught, that’s what you believe is best for you. And at all costs, don’t to the opposite and accept them, allowing yourself to feel bad so you can face the truth of why you do.

No way, that would be terrible, no, you have to keep up your faith, hold firm to your belief, and never stop praying.

If you stop doing it then all hell will break loose. If you stop doing it then you will feel vulnerable. If you stop doing it then you’ll be at the mercy of the Evil One – Satin, the DEVIL! And we can’t have that now, can we?

But why do you fear the Devil, evil, and all that it makes you feel? Why are you so scared? Other people aren’t scared of evil or of the Devil as you are?

But no, you can’t allow any cracks in your armour, you’ve got to keep up the good work – religiously keep praying. You have to show, to the Devil, that you are the ‘holy’ one, that your heart is pure, all so it will know to leave you alone. Prayer is your shield, keep it up at all times!

And yet it’s all a bit late for that. You are already of a negative mind and will state, and so you are already self- and feeling-denying and so living in an evil state of being. Evil has already got you – you are already it. And as you no doubt know: evil is the denial of truth. The ‘Devil’ wants to destroy all that is true, pure and good. And yet you are already denying yourself, your true self being that which is true, pure and perfect – so aren’t you your own devil? And you started denying yourself at conception. So you’re not only fighting a loosing battle, but the battle is well and truly over – and you lost. No amount of prayer is going to ’save’ you.

But you are still fighting, you cannot stop fighting. The Devil is still ‘real’. So who is it that you’re still really fighting? The Devil already has you as seen by your self-denying negative state of mind and will, showing up in your childhood repression, so why fight on?

And who you are fighting, and will forever fight against (until you do your feeling- or soul-healing), is your parents – fighting against all they did to you, how they treated you during your forming years. And because of this, one can only deduce that it’s not actually the Devil you are fighting but your very own PATENTS as they are true EVIL ONES.

The devil doesn’t exist, it’s only something made up by those people who can’t face the truth that it’s really their own parents they are desperately scared of. It’s all very convenient to say you are good and ‘out there’ is the BAD ONE. Because that was how you felt as a young child, and it was true, you were good and your parents were the bad ones. However you can’t grow up admitting this, you ‘love’ your parents and they ‘love’ you, so it has to be an unseen force, something out there that lurks unseen in the dark depths of your imagination. It can’t under any circumstances be what’s standing right in front of your face out in broad daylight – your parents.

And the sad truth is: you can’t pray your parents away.

How to heal your childhood traumas.

What I am advocating is healing them through what I call Feeling-Healing.

Your trauma, no matter when it happened or what it is – any bad experience, as you know, will make you feel bad. And just because it might have happened a long time ago doesn’t lessen the pain.

So to begin your feeling-healing, to begin healing your trauma, accept these bad feelings. Don’t push them away. Don’t take pills to get rid of them. Don’t go to a therapist to have them give you an alternative way to deal with and deny them. Don’t tell yourself you shouldn’t be feeling them, or listen to anyone else telling you they are not important. They are vitally important, they are you, and YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT!  And you have them for very valid reasons, which you can find out by accepting them and allowing them to be.

You go head on and ACCEPT THEM – you allow yourself to FEEL AS BAD AS YOU CAN.  But this is hard to do as it will go against all your programming and self-controlling beliefs.

AND, as you are doing this, it’s imperative you speak about, emote and EXPRESS them as fully as you can to a friend. You need to say to someone (even a therapist) who is really the world and your parents, ‘I FEEL BAD. I FEEL VERY MISERABLE…’ You need to be able to stand up and admit it, to hear yourself say it, then have your friend – another person – accept you as you are, saying in effect, ‘You have all rights to feel as you do, to feel bad. It’s absolutely right what you are saying about yourself. Tell me more. I want to know all about your pain and suffering, all about the terrible things they did to you’.

And as you are speaking about all your feelings you long for the TRUTH of them. You want, desire, long to know why you are feeling them. Why do you feel bad? What has happened to you? What did they, those who should have loved and cared about you, do to you to make you feel so bad?

And you keep going speaking about all your bad feelings. You DON’T use your mind to try and work out answers, nor do you allow your ‘well-meaning’ friend to come up with answers if they are that way inclined.

You just stay true to your feelings, concentrating on speaking about them and all you think and feel to do with them. The truth, the answers, the insights and understanding will come of their own accord, BUT ONLY when you’ve expressed all your suppressed and repressed bad feelings out of you. And this takes time, even a long time before you’re making headway. Or, it can be relatively quick. It’s just what you need, the process you need to go through to wake you up to your traumatised state.

So try not to look for the quick fix. And even if you feel you’ve had a big breakthrough and outpouring of emotion, feelings and revelation, there may still be a lot more to see.

From what I have observed, a lot of people may know or suspect they have experienced a major trauma in their early life. And so naturally want to try to heal it. And if successful, are then able to ‘get back on the horse’ resuming something of a ‘normal’ life. But in doing so, may fall into the trap of feeling they have healed ALL their childhood repression, now their main trauma has been released and the truth seen.

What I am presenting is the understanding that there is more. Certainly, if you just want to heal your trauma so you can live a so-called normal life like everyone else – fine, but what I am saying is, what is considered normal is STILL NOT RIGHT. You’ll still be full of feeling-denial and more repressed childhood bad feelings that need expressing, and all that’s causing them will need to be healed. There will still be a huge amount of healing to do; bad feelings to express; truth to find, so as to rectify all your personality suppression and deep will damage and dysfunction.

Focusing on and healing one specific trauma, even if it’s very large and all absorbing, is only a PART of the overall picture and problem, that which I’m endeavouring to bring to light.

From what I have experienced during my childhood repression healing there are definite levels to it. And each time I finish off – heal – a level, I feel it’s all over, I’m healed and it’s all done. But with Marion’s help I have not been seduced by these intermediary good feelings and sense of accomplishment. My mind has wanted desperately to believe it is all over, and yet with her help, soon more bad feelings come and down I go, deeper still into myself working on the next level to be healed. And from what I understand, there are seven main levels, all with multiples of seven sub-levels. And just to complicate matters, from my experiences, the seven main levels seem to be contained within three broader levels. All these levels I have only a vague awareness of, and looking back over my healing can see something like them emerging, but I know not to fix things down, as they will no doubt change again, and deeper I will go, yet again, into another level or level within a level. I’m saying this to illustrate that no matter what you might think, there could possibly be more, and by the time you have truly finished your healing, I imagine you will be so different to how you are now, you will know that your healing has been fully completed. At least that is how I see it for myself.

How do you know if you have childhood repression within you to heal?

Are there things you do in your life to MAKE you feel good? Do you do these things because you don’t want to feel bad? If so, then yes, you do have lots of childhood repression to heal.

These are some of the things I realised I did only to make myself feel good and to stop myself feeling bad.

watched TV
went to the movies
went out for dinner
had take-aways
drank cans of Coke
drank wine
smoked dope
kept tropical fish
had sex, had girlfriends
went to work
went on holidays
bought things
listened to music
played computer games
visited friends
went fishing

And some more things…
dreamt up business ideas
planned things in my mind
learnt things, did courses
read books
dreamed about…
wished for…
looked to the future for…
fantasised

And other things…
believed I was okay
believed I was loved
believed I was liked
believed I could get what I wanted
believed I could make things happen
believed I could say no
believed I could have my say
believed I could relate reasonably well
believed I could communicate reasonably well
believed I could express myself reasonably well
believed I knew about certain things
believed I was someone

And…
I didn’t feel depressed
I didn’t feel miserable
I didn’t feel lonely
I didn’t feel sad
I didn’t feel rejected
I didn’t feel uncared about
I didn’t feel unloved
I didn’t feel unhappy
I didn’t feel fucked

Just a few of the things I did to keep my bad feelings away, to keep my repressed childhood feelings locked up firmly deep inside me, all of which have come to light as I have worked my way through my childhood repression healing.

What things do you do to deny your bad feelings?

The Truth Hurts.

As much as you might not like it, the truth that you weren’t loved by your parents as you wanted them to love you, is what you’re going to have to face if you want to heal your childhood repression. I’m afraid there is no avoiding it. And avoiding this truth is what you have been doing all these years, because who wants to feel unloved by their parents – no one!

The truth that none of us were as loved as we wanted and needed to be, no matter how loved we might feel by our parents, is what ails us all. It is the root cause of ALL our problems, and not just problems of the physical kind. No matter what you believe, if something is not right in your life or within you, then the reasons why and the deep underlying causes you will find as you heal your childhood repression.

Most of what we do in the world and how our world is, is based on bad-feeling avoidance, as no one wants to feel bad, and yet we all do. And the more you get in touch with your childhood repression and bad-feeling denial, the worse you will feel. So if you believe healing your childhood repression is going to make you feel better, forget it. Sure it will in the long run, but that’s years down the track, and in the short term and NOW, it’s going to make you feel VERY bad. To go back into and re-experience all those bad feelings you are hiding from yourself is not a feel-good exercise.  Everything about healing your childhood repression will be a bad-feeling exercise, exactly the opposite of how you are conducting your life.

And I am not going to try and gloss over the bad stuff. In fact I want to keep telling you how bad it is, because we have to accept our bad feelings – ALL of them, as it is not until we do that we can fully accept ALL of ourself. To live in denial means you are denying bad feelings, and to heal that denial means you are going to have to find the truth – the reasons why you feel bad. And to uncover this truth means you are going to have to feel ALL the bad feelings you felt when you were little, all the ones you were stopped from expressing. And this includes ALL the bad feelings from conception right through your childhood. And if you don’t believe you can feel a feeling good or bad that you felt at your conception, then do your childhood repression feeling through your bad-feeling acceptance and then see what you believe and feel about it.

The how to heal your childhood repression I am wanting to talk about on this blog and in my books on my web-sites is all to do with bad feeling acceptance, that being the way to access your childhood repression and find the truth of it. And what it begins with is your acceptance that you feel bad. We first have to start to admit to ourselves that we do feel bad – really bad in many cases, and then accept that it is OKAY TO FEEL BAD. You feel bad – it is a part of you, so really there is no point in denying it. But to accept just how bad you do feel, deep down within you, and how many bad feelings you do have locked away inside you, is… well… you’ll see, as you venture into the healing of your childhood repression.

Is childhood repression real?

It is. Very real.

We deny it, we keep it all repressed within us by doing what we do. Anything you do that denies one bad feeling is keeping the lid on your childhood repression. If you do anything to stop yourself from feeling bad, then you are running away from your childhood repression.

We are all walking around as pressure cookers. Most of us can keep our lids firmly fastened down all our lives, some of us require periodic boiling over, others simply crack.

Those people who say it’s not real, that it is just a figment of the imagination of people like myself, are saying so because they are afraid of it. It scares them, and in no way do they want to be forced – for that is what they believe will happen to them – to have to look into it. And frankly, I can’t blame them. It is scary.

Childhood Repression is the final frontier. We can run off into outer space all we like; we try to live out our fantasies, but there always remains one problem: where ever we run too, we will still be there. And we will still be full of our childhood repression. We can’t escape from ourself – from our feelings. We can pretend we have escaped, but only for so long. One day we have to face our inner demon, that inner darkness – the fear that we dread.

One day we all have to face the truth of what our parents did to us.

Childhood Repression in perspective…

Let me try to put childhood repression into perspective, this being how I experience it:

I’m full of it. You’re full of it. We’re all full of it.

Anything that is spoken of as being ‘denial’ is really the denial of some aspect of yourself, of your personality, something that you were made to do during your forming years and are still doing it.

When you are ‘in denial’ you are really denying – not allowing yourself to express – all the feelings you feel, this being largely what your upbringing consisted of: feeling-denial.

Consequently you live, I live, we all live, denying many bad feelings, all of which cause us pain. And pain we may or may not be currently aware of.

When your parents stopped you from being your true-self as a young forming person, they made you deny parts of yourself. You put yourself aside, suppressing yourself, and have then kept this suppression, repressed – hence your childhood repression.

From conception to the formation of your mind, around six years old, each time you were stopped from expressing yourself as you wanted to, you suffered, and all that suffering is still within you.
For example:

‘Stop that James, don’t do that that way, do it like this… that is not the way to do it, I told you how to do it, so do it as I told you… oh how many times do I have to tell you, not like that, like this… are you stupid or something, you do it like this… stop being naughty, smarten up will you, and do as you are told… if you don’t do as I say I won’t take you to the park and I’ll tell your father you’ve been misbehaving and he can deal with you when he gets home…’

What chance did I have of ever expressing myself how I might have wanted to. It was all her way, all their way, NOT MY WAY, and that hurt. It fucked me up; fucked me up no end, but it wasn’t until I started to heal my childhood repression that I got back in touch with the feelings associated with episodes like this. And what have I felt?

Anger, huge amounts of anger. Misery, pain and many more bad feelings. And I have felt a lot of them. And I still feel them as I uncover yet more truth about how badly and how unlovingly I was treated by the very people who I believed loved me; who I believed cared for me and had my best interests at heart.

Being forced to not be how you want to be, to be how they want you to be, has caused a lot of damage within you – traumas on various levels, and great amounts of suffering. Imagine if someone came along to you now and said stop what you are doing and do what I tell you to do – how would this make you feel? And how many times in your early childhood did this happen to you, being told by those who were bigger, stronger and older than you – your parents and other adult carers – that you couldn’t be how you wanted to be? And so how do you think you felt about such things happening to you when you were a little child, especially when you had no power, when your saying no was easily rendered ineffective by them as they just took you over forcing you to comply to their demands?

But do you remember each and every one of these times when you were overpowered by them? No, how can you. But each of those times and all their associated bad feelings are still inside you. And will continue to be, until you want to re-connect with them; until you want to go back to them and re-experience all the anger you felt and all the pain you suffered being stopped from living how you wanted to live.

Your childhood repression is a HUGE thing within you. It governs your every moment, and mostly you are totally unaware of it. But it’s there, it’s all there, for where else could it be, it couldn’t have just gone away.

Your childhood repression is within you, and it’s within you irrespective of what you may or may not believe about it. And the longer you deny it, the greater the pain it will cause you.