Just keep on praying

Pray it away, get rid of those bad feelings, that’s what you’ve got to do. That’s what you’ve been taught, that’s what you believe is best for you. And at all costs, don’t to the opposite and accept them, allowing yourself to feel bad so you can face the truth of why you do.

No way, that would be terrible, no, you have to keep up your faith, hold firm to your belief, and never stop praying.

If you stop doing it then all hell will break loose. If you stop doing it then you will feel vulnerable. If you stop doing it then you’ll be at the mercy of the Evil One – Satin, the DEVIL! And we can’t have that now, can we?

But why do you fear the Devil, evil, and all that it makes you feel? Why are you so scared? Other people aren’t scared of evil or of the Devil as you are?

But no, you can’t allow any cracks in your armour, you’ve got to keep up the good work – religiously keep praying. You have to show, to the Devil, that you are the ‘holy’ one, that your heart is pure, all so it will know to leave you alone. Prayer is your shield, keep it up at all times!

And yet it’s all a bit late for that. You are already of a negative mind and will state, and so you are already self- and feeling-denying and so living in an evil state of being. Evil has already got you – you are already it. And as you no doubt know: evil is the denial of truth. The ‘Devil’ wants to destroy all that is true, pure and good. And yet you are already denying yourself, your true self being that which is true, pure and perfect – so aren’t you your own devil? And you started denying yourself at conception. So you’re not only fighting a loosing battle, but the battle is well and truly over – and you lost. No amount of prayer is going to ’save’ you.

But you are still fighting, you cannot stop fighting. The Devil is still ‘real’. So who is it that you’re still really fighting? The Devil already has you as seen by your self-denying negative state of mind and will, showing up in your childhood repression, so why fight on?

And who you are fighting, and will forever fight against (until you do your feeling- or soul-healing), is your parents – fighting against all they did to you, how they treated you during your forming years. And because of this, one can only deduce that it’s not actually the Devil you are fighting but your very own PATENTS as they are true EVIL ONES.

The devil doesn’t exist, it’s only something made up by those people who can’t face the truth that it’s really their own parents they are desperately scared of. It’s all very convenient to say you are good and ‘out there’ is the BAD ONE. Because that was how you felt as a young child, and it was true, you were good and your parents were the bad ones. However you can’t grow up admitting this, you ‘love’ your parents and they ‘love’ you, so it has to be an unseen force, something out there that lurks unseen in the dark depths of your imagination. It can’t under any circumstances be what’s standing right in front of your face out in broad daylight – your parents.

And the sad truth is: you can’t pray your parents away.

We spend zillions of dollars on trying to feel better

It’s mad really. All we do is done to keep us away from our bad feelings. That is the extent of our so-called ‘civilised progress’.

It’s said we live on an insane world, and it’s true. If we weren’t mad with our pain, suffering and bad feelings, we’ve have no need to do all that we do.

Look at your own life. The sad truth is: all you are doing in it is to escape from your bad feelings. And can you say it’s not? Can you say you do all you do to welcome and accept your bad feelings?

And who wants to feel bad – no one. No one in their right mind would want to feel bad, and yet we all feel bad, even if we are so far gone we won’t allow ourselves to acknowledge it.

But we all feel bad, somewhere inside us, we all do. And we really do, it’s true, as shown by our childhood repression. Childhood repressed feelings make us feel bad. Our childhood repression is bad. It’s not a nice loving thing, however it of itself is neither good or bad, the bad being what was done to us to bring it about within us.

Currently on the material level of dollars, the economy is dying. We’re having to keep up the fantasy for all it’s worth. We can’t just allow it to keel over and be what it is – nothing. We’ve made it all up, it’s all unreal. So many people live beyond their means believing they can be happy living with debt, believing they can escape from the pain of their bad feelings by having things they can’t afford.

We by a house with money we don’t have, but we hope we’ll have in future. It’s always the future, life will always be better in future, but why will it – why should it? We’ve only been led to believe this because when we were little we looked to the future to feel better. Our current ‘now’ moment with our parents made us feel bad, so it was always the future that was going to be better. And often it was our parents who said so.

So in no way we can just accept and live with the amount of real physical dollars we have, living within our means, because for most of us that would mean we wouldn’t have anything. And we can’t bear this thought. Because to have nothing means you don’t feel loved – or so we’ve been wrongly made to believe. You didn’t have anything with your parents making you feel unloved bring about your childhood repression, so now you must have material things to fill up this cavernous hole of despair – of feeling so alone, unwanted, unloved and uncared about.

But one day the house of cards will come crashing down. And this as we are seeing might be the beginning of that day. And if it does and the economy goes to shit, then what happens, how will we all survive?

And what will happen, something we can all count on – is PAIN. Yet what is this pain? And as much as it might be the pain of all the fear suddenly assailing you, really it is the pain, the buried pain, surfacing from your early childhood. It is the pain of feeling so unloved by your parents being manifest all about you by your failing life. The pain you’ve been refusing to face. The pain your greed and desperation by living in debt, living without anything real, living a false and fantasy life, is forcing you to feel. The very same pain of living a false and fantasy life of ‘love’ with your parents.

And is there an escape – a real way out? And what happens if once the flimsy house has completely come done with no hope of re-building, not for a very long time, then what?

There are two things you can do. One: struggle on the best you can, as mostly you have done over previous cyclic downturns, steadfastly trying to deny all your bad feelings – just as you have always done; and the other, is to go the other way, stop and begin to face the truth: that you feel bad. To accept, express and uncover the truth of all your bad feelings. To begin to acknowledge and accept your pain. To heal yourself of your self-defeating bad-feeling-denying life – to heal your childhood repression.

Parenting techniques

I am not a parent. So many people would no doubt say that I have therefore no authority to comment on parenting, as it’s all very different when you have your own child. But I don’t care about that.

At times my parents tried to use various techniques on me, some gave them more power over me, some less. They all helped to fuck me up more.

As I read the latest techniques going around I know it will be the same for those parents using them, some will feel the techniques are helping them with their children, some not, and all will be helping to further fuck up their children.

What I do want to point out is that if any sort of technique or controlling discipline is required, then the parent has already gone way too far over the line. Their child is already way too fucked up. And the parents are way too fucked up from their early childhood being in a position to even consider using such things.

The whole idea of ‘good parenting’, using endless tips and tools, endless suggestions, endless ways to try and get what you want being the parent, only reflects all I am talking about in my posts: that we don’t love our children truly, that we only parent for control and power using our children to gain it, and all because we were made to feel so powerless by our parents. It all simply reflects the negative condition we’ve all had imposed, one way or another, on us.

Perfect loving parents will have no need to use a technique. They will simply parent with their feelings. And as their feelings will be a result of their living true, then they will always do perfectly what is needed ensuring their child will only ever feel fully loved by them.

To approach parenting from the point of view of having to work out the best or better ways of doing it with your mind is doing exactly what you’re parents have forced you to do – go against your feelings using your mind to control and dominate yourself and others. And this can only be self-rejecting, unfeeling and unloving, that which you are imposing on your child.

What I want to try and show is that the problem is much larger than trying to impose a couple of good helpful parenting techniques on your child all so you can get on and achieve all you believe is good in your life, all so you can have a more ‘loving’ and ‘harmonious’ relationship with your child. However, if this is what you want, then why not. But it’s not better parenting, it will still be fucking up your child, only in a different way. It will still be only adding to the damage already done, even if it seems like on the surface things are going along a lot smoother.

I want to point out that parenting as we know it is wrong, meaning it has an adverse and unloving affect upon the child. How we do ANY of it is wrong. And it’s all wrong because we’re doing it within self-denying negative states of being. And it’s this negative condition that we have to heal, and until we do, we’ll only be forever going around in circles, forever coming up with yet more ‘better’ ways to parent.

It happens all the time

The child is the innocent one.

And yet the child gets blamed for making the parent feel bad. But it’s the parent that is making the child feel bad that causes the child to react making the parent angry.

So the innocent child, often minding it’s own business, is made to feel bad. Naturally it reacts to this only to bring more anger, criticism and unlovingness down upon itself making it feel even worse.

It’s a vicious circle, and a bad pattern to have established within you. For when it does you can’t help yourself doing things to make someone angry with you all so you can keep feeling bad. It’s such a horrible and terrible feeling of powerlessness, to know you’re doing it, and to know you can’t stop doing it. That the negative attention is all you will get, it’s all you can get, and all because it’s all you did get.

Why would you want to be a therapist?

Because it’s a way you can gain power.

Everything we do in our negative orientated mind and will lives is to gain power, an attempt to re-gain the power our parents deprived us of naturally feeling and expressing as we grew up.

Our parenting is mostly all negative, yet we call it loving. So much of it had a negative unloving effect on us as seen by our having repressed childhood feelings – our childhood repression. And yet we call it all love.

In our unloving states as we grew up we felt powerless many times. Just look at how parents treat their children – does the child have equal power with the adult? No, the whole thing about being a child, so we seem to believe, is that the child is inferior and can’t nor shouldn’t have equal power. And so by treating our children this way we make them feel powerless, we’re always de-powering them, always pulling the rug out from under them. We might try and pump them up in other ways, trying to make them feel all-powerful and loved, but it’s all too late, and all on a condition of previous powerlessness.

And as children we don’t want to feel powerless. We do all we can to gain power within our family, some people being more successful at it than others. Yet it’s still all ONLY a subset of our parents all-powerful dominion.

And so all we do as adults is done to try and maintain our false-power within our powerless states, within our negative condition. And so those people who feel they can help others by being a therapist really see being a therapist as their means of having power, of trying to make up some of their childhood power deficit. And it’s acceptable. Being a therapist is ‘good’, so we all say, it’s a good way to try and re-gain power. Whereas being a murder is bad, that is unacceptable and not the ‘right’ way to re-gain power. And the therapist is held in high esteem, they can actually help others to shed some of their feelings of powerlessness possibly helping or enabling them to find new ways of re-gaining some of their lost and denied power.

So is it good to seek to gain power by using others to do so? Or is it that we’re happy, or at least pretend we are happy, with the trade off. We allow the therapist to use us because we believe and feel we are getting something out of it, something that will eventually and hopefully make us feel more powerful and better about ourselves? And so, is it right that therapists say you must not attempt to do your childhood repression healing without their help, and if you do… look out, all manner of bad things might happen to you.

And yet don’t misunderstand me, I only want to point out the truth of such things as I have come to see them. And I also understand that within our fuckedness we do need help, and help from those who may be using us to gain power. But that’s how it is within the negative – it can’t be any other way. But in time as you progress in your feeling-healing, the truth will come and along with it your own feelings of power – true power. And so your need to be dependant on such help from anyone else will diminish, to one day, end, the day when your childhood repression healing is over and you no longer feel powerless and under the regime of your parents. And what a great day that will be!

When you leave your therapist, then the real work begins

When you leave your therapist and start working to find the truth of your childhood repression through your own daily bad feelings – then the real work begins.

You can only do so much with professional help. You can achieve a lot, but it will pale in comparison to what you’ll achieve when you finally start to go it alone.

You might even feel and believe you have fully healed yourself all thanks to the help from your therapist, but in that you’ll sadly be wrong. You will never completely heal yourself of ALL your childhood repression until you start to uncover the truth of it through all the bad feelings you are still denying.

Being with your therapist can certainly open up many hidden doors within you, and can expose and bring to light much pain and truth; and it may even enable you to feel good enough about yourself and your life to carry on pounding the treadmill, however it will be nothing like the doors that will open when you want to start looking into the truth of all you feel just in your daily life with your partner and friend.

You see, your whole childhood repression is all about you feeling powerless – your parents having treated you in such ways as to make you feel bad about yourself and your life. And the simple act of you going to your therapist, needing their help, confirms and is an expression of this. You are still needing the authority person to help tell you how to be and what to feel in life. Your therapist might not intrude on your self-expression when you are with them, they may be a good friend and helping witness, but still you are in the subservient position, still you are coming under their power and dominance. And the simple fact that they even want to be a therapist means they are using you, their client, to gain some of the power they feel they don’t have. So do you see, it’s not a balanced relationship you are having with then, and it never can be. And it’s still just the same as it was with your parents. You were not an equal person with then, nor are you an equal person with your therapist. But when you step away and face doing your childhood repression healing, as in through your feeling- or soul-healing, with no one other than your partner or equal friend to listen to your bad feeling expression, then you will no longer be in the lesser position, then you will no longer need to have the overshadowing of authority in your life. And then it’s all up to you – you have to find the truth of yourself within yourself all by yourself. And this can be very scary.

Many therapists themselves fear this. They say you can’t do your childhood repression feeling without them, without their support and wise guidance. But this is still just more of the same you got from your parents, them telling you the same things. All so you don’t leave them, all so you remain forever dependant on them, all so you are never free to fall down the holes in life for yourself if that is what is meant to happen.

And so whilst you’re under your therapists ‘wing’ you will limit your self- and feeling expression. You will never feel equal, and indeed be equal, free to slog it out with your partner and friend. Free to uncover the truth of your bad feelings all through the ongoing daily grind of everyday life. And this is what we all need to do, as it was during our early life grinding along with our parents that our childhood repression came about.

You can do all of your childhood repression healing without a therapist if that is what you feel you want to do. However, if this is too much and you need such professional help, then this is what you must do – you ALWAYS do what you feel you want to do. And once you are free enough to finally leave your therapist, then the real work can begin. Then you will be stepping out being your own therapist. Then you’ll be moving away from the control of your parents looking to freely control yourself.

Strapped in

He’s strapped into the car seat.

He’s strapped into the pusher.

He’s pushed around.

He’s left strapped in his pusher in various places whilst they do what they want to do.

Some of the day passes and he’s still strapped in his pusher.

He eats and sleeps strapped in his pusher.

For a short moment or two he’s removed from his pusher whilst his nappy is changed.

Then he’s put straight back into his pusher.

He’s left again strapped in his pusher as they carry on doing more things.

More of the day passes as he remains strapped in his pusher.

He eats more, sleeps more, cries more – still strapped in his pusher.

Then he’s taken out of his pusher and strapped back into the car seat.

Finally he’s at home, the straps come off, and he’s allowed to be free… but only for a little while.

The little babies and toddlers that come to the Fishing Park stay strapped in their pushers (or strollers) for hours at a time.

During our most crucial forming time in life, a time when we need continual affection and hands on attention and care, we’re left alone, denied it, stuck in our prams, pushers and strollers. And we grow up being told we are loved, loved by our all-caring parents. We learn that rejection, abandonment, frustration, anger and boredom is feeling loved. The straps never being entirely removed.

And so it goes on.

The next day we then strap our child back into the car seat…

30 minutes of what – love or hatred… or something in between?

There’s four in the family. Mum, dad and two boys – one three the other a toddler. They’ve come to fish in the enclosed fishing park. Dad and mum delight in the thrill of easily catching the rainbow trout whilst the toddler remains strapped in his pusher and the three year old plays in the enclosed sand pit. Mum and dad are at the waters edge with the toddler behind them. I am standing watching and helping with the caught fish.

The toddler has a dummy in his mouth. He struggles to get out of his pusher, no one other me is aware of his struggles. He’s desperately straining himself to get free, but he doesn’t make a sound. He gives up, something has caught his attention – his mother’s voice at the fun of catching a fish.

The fish is dealt with and for the parents it’s back to fishing. The toddler struggles to free himself again. He makes a noise. His mother turns around and tickles his tummy. He squirms and giggles, she turns back to the fishing. Their other little boy is looking at them through the perspex door and has been doing so wanting to get out of the play area for some time. He doesn’t call out. His parents are too involved having their fun, he gives up and goes back to playing in the sand.

The toddler has thrown his dummy on the ground. His parents whilst waiting from me to attend to the next fish notice it, it’s sucked clean and returned to its rightful place. He seems happy with this stopping his struggles.

The young boy is again longing to come out. His father sees him, walks over and lets him out. He runs past his brother and over to a long line of small fishing rods used in the pond. His mother hurries after him, sees he’s about to start touching the rods and reels, grabs him lifting him away and convinces him that that best place from him to be is back in the sand pit. He seems okay about this idea. The fishing recommences.

The final fish is caught, the three year old is let out of the play area and off they go. The two parents are very happy about the very enjoyable time they had – mum even caught a fish! When usually she never catches anything.

Are they are a happy loving family? Do they all love each other? Do the parents love their children? This is what I want to portray in this blog. Superficially I would say yes. No one cried, they all had ‘fun’, so the parents declared, and the children mostly behaved themselves and did what they were told. And I’m sure the parents if asked would say yes they love their children – a BIG YES! And they would also probably say that yes their children are happy. They are happy, happy with each other and happy with their family and how everything is going. And if one were to ask the children if they are happy, would they too say yes?

So is this just a normal regular loving happy family?

Where I asked before I started my childhood repression healing I’d probably say yes, why not, everything seemed okay with everyone seemingly enjoying themselves. There were no fights, the parents seemed kind and caring, they didn’t chastise, humiliate, criticise, shit on their children like some other parents who come to the pond do. So yes, it all seems good, not great as the children weren’t included, but they were too young and it was probably better that they weren’t free to wander around being a nuisance nor get themselves into any trouble.

But now where I to ask myself the same question, it’s the things I didn’t notice or weren’t aware of before I started my childhood repression healing that greatly disturb me. Now I empathise with how terrible it feels being confined to your pusher unable to be free to wander where you like. Strapped in, all but caged in, without anyone – your parents – wanting to fully include you in their lives. The horror of only being a part person in your own family. A person that is coming into being but is forced to play a role as defined by being ‘acceptable’ by your mother and father. And so long as you play that role everything seems okay, but the truth is you feel unwanted, rejected – hated. Your own so-called loving parents don’t want to bother with you toddling all over the place. They have come to have their own fun all under the guise that it will be a fun thing for everyone to do, and yet you’re not included. They don’t care about you, not really care about you and your well-being, for if they did, then you would be the centre of their lives and everything would revolve around you, fishing or no fishing.  They wouldn’t be turning their backs on you and getting on with having their fun.

And where you truly loved you wouldn’t be pushed off to the play area there to stay until your parents have had their fun. And when you came out you would be allowed under their watchful and caring guidance to explore the pond area, to look at all the rods and reels, to touch and play with them. No one else was at the pond, and you can’t accidentally fall in. The parent can stop the child from damaging the rods and reels not that this three year old would do any damage, he wasn’t like that. But no, he couldn’t be free to move around enjoying his new world together with his parents and his little brother, his life isn’t about himself, it’s about his parents, he just has to fit in with them. And how does it feel to just have to fit in with your parents? It feels awful. It all feels awful, and you feel very, very bad, right to the core of your being when you’re not allowed to be as you want to be.

So I look and feel-remember how the same sorts of things were done to me. Done to me by my ‘loving’ parents, ignorant people who are that way all because they too were treated that way, all being made to shut off the real and true person, to stop being able to fully and freely express all the feelings they have. The parents are still shut away in their little play pen worlds, now including the fishing pond. And being so do the same to their own children shutting them away in their own little false worlds.

So as I look deeper I wonder where is this so-called love? And what really is it? And all I can come up with is that it’s not love, or if it is then it’s something of a superficial, even artificial and belief generated love, but it’s not true or pure because it’s all based around denying personality expression.

So all I can conclude is that this contrived love is the best these little children will get. It’s the best their parents got. It’s the best I got. It’s the best anyone got or gets, even though it might appear some people got or get more of it than others.

So is it love or is it something else – hate perhaps? Or is hate too harsh a word? But what is the opposite to love? Or maybe it’s something in the middle, a sort of friendship – being together, sharing life together to some degree, even if it is in a self-denying negative state of mind and will. Or is it as my mother often said: ‘It’s just your lot, so get on with it, don’t worry about it, of course it’s love, of course I love you – I’m your mother!’.

We are not aware or in touch with our true feelings. We’ve never been allowed to have and express them. We’ve had to deny this part of ourselves. And what we’ve been left with we have learnt to call love, being loving, living in a happy loving family. But how much is real and how much is false? And how can we tell when we’re not aware or allowed to be aware of what we really feel and what we did feel during our forming years?

We live denying our true selves, and so deny our children their true selves. And we call this way of life ‘loving each other’. And this is what we have to become aware of, at least those of us who want to live true and come back to their true self.

I present such posts not as a judgement and criticism of us or of these specific individuals at the fishing pond – we’re all in the same boat and we’re all fucked, only in different ways – but to make it be known. To make it be said. It has to be said, it has to be brought out before it can be accepted, spoken about, and then dealt with – the truth seen. And it’s the cause and at the root of all our problems, of every bad feeling we have, and mostly we just accept this is right, normal, generally ‘good parenting’. And because we don’t want to do anything about our bad feelings so far as uncovering the truth of why we feel them, we mostly do as my mother advised and just GET ON WITH IT, wrongly believing there is nothing we can do.

And it’s all so sad, and it IS all so wrong, and there IS something we can do about it.

IT’S MY TURN NOW!

I had to obey my parents – NOW YOU HAVE TO OBEY ME! And you just have to, because I say. I don’t need a reason, I don’t need to justify it, I don’t need to tell you why – YOU JUST DO! You do because I say so – AND THAT IS ENOUGH! I am the parent now, you are not, you are the child – I HAVE THE POWER. You do not.

When I was a child they had power over me. They made me feel powerless. I was powerless. I had no say – no say in my own life. They had all the say and I had to obey. The were BIG, I was small, and that was enough. What could I do? Nothing. And I hated it. I hated them. I hated how they treated me – their own child.

And I wanted to smash them. I wanted to scream and yell and make them stop. I tried but it did me no good. But I still wanted to and still do want to even though I had to bury and repress such bad feelings. I want to rage. I want to tell them how much they have hurt me. I want to tell them how much I feel unloved by them – my own parents.

I want to smash my anger and rage all over them, but I can’t. So what can I do with it all? I look around to dump it on someone else. Someone lesser than I. And I find that person – my own child. And I breathe a sigh of relief as finally, FINALLY, there is someone I have power over. Finally I can make someone do what I want. Finally I can make them be how I want them to be. Finally I am BIG and they are small. And they don’t get a say. They can protest and try to resist all they want but it won’t get them anywhere. Because I am the strong one and they are weak. They loose; I win. And I feel good. I can even say to them: I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. And they can’t say anything other than they love me too more than anything in the world, because if they don’t say it, I’ll smash them. And they know it. I’ve done it plenty of times before.

My parents made me feel bad, so I want to make someone or something else feel bad, even if I do it in my imagination. I can’t make them feel bad, I am too powerless with them to do that – they had all the power. But I can make someone or something else that is not them feel bad. And that is how it is meant to be – isn’t it? Isn’t it what they taught me? Isn’t it how we are meant to live our lives? When it’s our turn, when we’ve grown up, then we can be the boss, then we can do all we want, then no one can tell us NO! STOP THAT! and stop us. Then we are free. And we all want to be free – RIGHT!

Free to finally make another person or creature feel bad. And it’s so easy to do. Just have a child, it couldn’t be easier…

Euthanasia

We are so scared of death. It’s one of our greatest dreads. Keep the person alive at all cost – no matter how much they are suffering.

Don’t allow anyone to take their own life. Don’t allow anyone to have complete control over their own life. Don’t allow us any freedom to be an adult (or child).

Just be the parent telling the child what to do.

Must we always have the authority telling us what to do and how to be – parents treating us as children who don’t know any better?

When will we ever be allowed to grow up becoming responsible for our own lives?

When will we understand that great release can come with death, and new life awaits us in the spirit worlds?