God hates me

Why does God make all the bad things happen to me? Why does God make me have such a shit life? Why does God hate me? Other people have a good like, but I don’t – and why not? What’s so wrong with me? What did I do? Why does God take it all out on me? Why do I have to be punished so much? It’s so unfair. I don’t want to always be feeling bad. I want to feel good and enjoy my life. So why can’t I? Why won’t You give me a good life God? Why do You hate me?

Why do I feel that God hates me? I don’t actually know if God does hate me – it’s just what I feel. But are my feelings real and true? I don’t know because I’m not real and true.

From what I understand, when we are little it’s our parents who are god. Our parents are everything. Nothing else exists other than them. We ‘absorb’ all we need from them (and other influential ‘carers’). Our mind and feeling systems aren’t developed enough to include anyone else. Then we grow up seeing the world through their eyes, with our patterns of belief and behaviour having been formed around how our parents ‘parented’ – treated – us.

So we grow up feeling like and believing we’ve grown up to become a unique individual, which of course from our personality perspective we can be nothing else, but when we do our feeling-healing working our way through our childhood repression, we soon see just how much of what we thought was our own unique individuality is from our parents, how much we’ve simply adopted from them making it ours.

And so it is with God. Our relationship with God actually begins with our relationship with our parents. So if we feel hated by our parents we’ll feel hated by God. If we feel loved by our parents we’ll feel loved by God. And then on top of this truth comes all the other yuk – the wrong beliefs, fears, negative behaviours and patterns, making the truth of our relationship with God and our parents very difficult to find.  We might, for example, feel we love God and that God loves us, but this may only be a self-imposed belief (the same as believing our parents love us and we love them) and not something based on true life experience.  It might be something we desperately want to believe to be true, yet without any experiential foundation to substantiate such belief, how can we know if we’re simply not lying to ourselves.

All I am presenting about childhood repression and using what I call Feeling-Healing to heal it, is based on the idea of using your bad feelings to go deep into yourself to find out the truth of what really is going on within you – what really you are feeling.

And so when you come to hating and having to express all your bad feelings about God, all I want you to understand is that it’s not really about God, it is, as it always is, all about your feelings. So you can use your hatred of God to help you look deeper into your relationship with your parents, to see your hatred of them. And conversely, as you uncover your hatred of your parents, so too might you uncover your hatred of God, seeing what your relationship with God is really based on.

We’ve had it pushed down out throats until we’re gagging on it that God loves us, and yet we only have to look at ourselves and our lives to wonder, if this is so, then were is all this love. For if it were so, surely we’d feel it and be living a life of complete joy and happiness. However the truth is God may love us as it is said, but truly we’ll never be able to feel this for certain until we’ve first healed all our unloving feelings we feel from our parents. All the pain and suffering caused us by our parents is blocking any true relationship we can have with God. Of course we can believe we love God and that God loves us, and we can swoon with the love of God as it fills our soul and courses through our veins as some people seem to experience, but this is still all based on beliefs from our early childhood, often our offsetting all the pain, hatred and rejection we felt from our parents by looking to God to be our great loving better and ‘new’ parents.  But it’s all a fantasy, just as is all the so-called mind generated love we feel for and from God. It’s all unreal as will be shown to you as you work your way through your childhood repression healing.

We can’t have a true relationship with God until we are having a true relationship with ourselves. And we can’t have a true relationship with ourself until we have a true relationship with our parents. And as we can’t go back and start again with our parents being unconditionally loving, all-accepting and no longer of a negative state of being, we can only, through our feeling-healing, heal them ‘within’ us.  We can only seek to perfect all their imperfect legacy, that which we’ve taken on from them. And whilst we’re in and of a negative state of mind and will, the truth of this legacy will all be about how unloved we feel by our parents and how much we hate them for it.

When all your hidden suppressed bad feelings have been brought to light, when you’ve uncovered the whole truth of your negative state, then you will be free to enter into a true relationship with God (and with everyone else for that matter), being able to truly feel from your heart and without any mind and belief interference what true love feels like. Then you will finally be free of your early parenting restrictions and limitations. Then you will be fully the true and unique adult and child of God that you are.

It happens all the time

The child is the innocent one.

And yet the child gets blamed for making the parent feel bad. But it’s the parent that is making the child feel bad that causes the child to react making the parent angry.

So the innocent child, often minding it’s own business, is made to feel bad. Naturally it reacts to this only to bring more anger, criticism and unlovingness down upon itself making it feel even worse.

It’s a vicious circle, and a bad pattern to have established within you. For when it does you can’t help yourself doing things to make someone angry with you all so you can keep feeling bad. It’s such a horrible and terrible feeling of powerlessness, to know you’re doing it, and to know you can’t stop doing it. That the negative attention is all you will get, it’s all you can get, and all because it’s all you did get.

Using a therapist.

Although I have written that you don’t need one, that you can do all of your feeling-healing without needing such help, still I want to emphasise that if you feel you do need one, then you should follow such feelings.

So many of us are very fucked up, we’re not in a rational state of mind or emotions. And for such people I would strongly advise that they receive hands on help from trained people. They can still start to work on their feeling-healing if that is what they want, but still they may need a lot of face-to-face help from professionals.

Many people may need other structures put in place within themselves so as to deal with the onrush of bad feelings, all before they are stable and confident enough to tackle going it alone doing their feeling-healing.

What I write about therapists is not meant to be seen that I hate therapists and advise against then. That’s not true. All I want to do is point out that there can be certain limitations with them, as there are within everything that’s functional in a negative state of mind and will. And in regards to uncovering the whole truth of yourself, there will come a point when you have to go it alone, and go deep down into all of your buried repressed feelings, all so you can find the whole truth of your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your parents.

When you are in a very bad state, with so many bad feelings swirling around within you, they can all jam up or you can break down with them, or you can even pretend that you don’t feel any at all, feeling good about yourself. And for such people professional help will probably be a good, if not an essential way of starting to bring some sort of order and rationality to what’s going on. But as to what sort of therapy might be good for you, that I can’t say. Personally I’m not interested in what sort of therapies exist. Fortunately I’ve been able to do my feeling-healing without such help, although, I admit I do have my own personal ongoing therapist in Marion, that which a true friend can become. Nor am I interested in any psychological techniques because they are all mostly only designed to help you cope better within your negative state, not helping to get you out of it. And as I said, this might be what you do initially need. But when you want to start healing your negative self and feeling-denial state of mind, then you will be entering into doing your feeling or soul-healing.

Why would you want to be a therapist?

Because it’s a way you can gain power.

Everything we do in our negative orientated mind and will lives is to gain power, an attempt to re-gain the power our parents deprived us of naturally feeling and expressing as we grew up.

Our parenting is mostly all negative, yet we call it loving. So much of it had a negative unloving effect on us as seen by our having repressed childhood feelings – our childhood repression. And yet we call it all love.

In our unloving states as we grew up we felt powerless many times. Just look at how parents treat their children – does the child have equal power with the adult? No, the whole thing about being a child, so we seem to believe, is that the child is inferior and can’t nor shouldn’t have equal power. And so by treating our children this way we make them feel powerless, we’re always de-powering them, always pulling the rug out from under them. We might try and pump them up in other ways, trying to make them feel all-powerful and loved, but it’s all too late, and all on a condition of previous powerlessness.

And as children we don’t want to feel powerless. We do all we can to gain power within our family, some people being more successful at it than others. Yet it’s still all ONLY a subset of our parents all-powerful dominion.

And so all we do as adults is done to try and maintain our false-power within our powerless states, within our negative condition. And so those people who feel they can help others by being a therapist really see being a therapist as their means of having power, of trying to make up some of their childhood power deficit. And it’s acceptable. Being a therapist is ‘good’, so we all say, it’s a good way to try and re-gain power. Whereas being a murder is bad, that is unacceptable and not the ‘right’ way to re-gain power. And the therapist is held in high esteem, they can actually help others to shed some of their feelings of powerlessness possibly helping or enabling them to find new ways of re-gaining some of their lost and denied power.

So is it good to seek to gain power by using others to do so? Or is it that we’re happy, or at least pretend we are happy, with the trade off. We allow the therapist to use us because we believe and feel we are getting something out of it, something that will eventually and hopefully make us feel more powerful and better about ourselves? And so, is it right that therapists say you must not attempt to do your childhood repression healing without their help, and if you do… look out, all manner of bad things might happen to you.

And yet don’t misunderstand me, I only want to point out the truth of such things as I have come to see them. And I also understand that within our fuckedness we do need help, and help from those who may be using us to gain power. But that’s how it is within the negative – it can’t be any other way. But in time as you progress in your feeling-healing, the truth will come and along with it your own feelings of power – true power. And so your need to be dependant on such help from anyone else will diminish, to one day, end, the day when your childhood repression healing is over and you no longer feel powerless and under the regime of your parents. And what a great day that will be!

When you leave your therapist, then the real work begins

When you leave your therapist and start working to find the truth of your childhood repression through your own daily bad feelings – then the real work begins.

You can only do so much with professional help. You can achieve a lot, but it will pale in comparison to what you’ll achieve when you finally start to go it alone.

You might even feel and believe you have fully healed yourself all thanks to the help from your therapist, but in that you’ll sadly be wrong. You will never completely heal yourself of ALL your childhood repression until you start to uncover the truth of it through all the bad feelings you are still denying.

Being with your therapist can certainly open up many hidden doors within you, and can expose and bring to light much pain and truth; and it may even enable you to feel good enough about yourself and your life to carry on pounding the treadmill, however it will be nothing like the doors that will open when you want to start looking into the truth of all you feel just in your daily life with your partner and friend.

You see, your whole childhood repression is all about you feeling powerless – your parents having treated you in such ways as to make you feel bad about yourself and your life. And the simple act of you going to your therapist, needing their help, confirms and is an expression of this. You are still needing the authority person to help tell you how to be and what to feel in life. Your therapist might not intrude on your self-expression when you are with them, they may be a good friend and helping witness, but still you are in the subservient position, still you are coming under their power and dominance. And the simple fact that they even want to be a therapist means they are using you, their client, to gain some of the power they feel they don’t have. So do you see, it’s not a balanced relationship you are having with then, and it never can be. And it’s still just the same as it was with your parents. You were not an equal person with then, nor are you an equal person with your therapist. But when you step away and face doing your childhood repression healing, as in through your feeling- or soul-healing, with no one other than your partner or equal friend to listen to your bad feeling expression, then you will no longer be in the lesser position, then you will no longer need to have the overshadowing of authority in your life. And then it’s all up to you – you have to find the truth of yourself within yourself all by yourself. And this can be very scary.

Many therapists themselves fear this. They say you can’t do your childhood repression feeling without them, without their support and wise guidance. But this is still just more of the same you got from your parents, them telling you the same things. All so you don’t leave them, all so you remain forever dependant on them, all so you are never free to fall down the holes in life for yourself if that is what is meant to happen.

And so whilst you’re under your therapists ‘wing’ you will limit your self- and feeling expression. You will never feel equal, and indeed be equal, free to slog it out with your partner and friend. Free to uncover the truth of your bad feelings all through the ongoing daily grind of everyday life. And this is what we all need to do, as it was during our early life grinding along with our parents that our childhood repression came about.

You can do all of your childhood repression healing without a therapist if that is what you feel you want to do. However, if this is too much and you need such professional help, then this is what you must do – you ALWAYS do what you feel you want to do. And once you are free enough to finally leave your therapist, then the real work can begin. Then you will be stepping out being your own therapist. Then you’ll be moving away from the control of your parents looking to freely control yourself.

I am a horrible person. You won’t like me.

I am a horrible person. You won’t like me. There is nothing to like about me. You’ll hate me. I am very bad. I am the worst. I do awful things. I’m evil. I’m perverted. I’m sick. I’m ugly. I don’t love you. I don’t care about you. I don’t want to know you. I don’t want you bothering me. I don’t want you in my life. I hate you. I hate everything. I hate everything about you. Go away. Leave me alone. Leave me in peace.

When you work your way deep into seeing the truth of how badly, how unlovingly, how appallingly your parents treated you, making you feel repulsed by them, like you will never want to have anything ever again to do with them; and then you realise you are the same as them, you are of them, it’s a terrible blow to your ego. To have to accept and admit that you are just as horrible as them, doing all the same horrible things to yourself, nature and everyone else, even to people you love, is very difficult. It hurts.

To have to face the hard truth that you are evil, rotten, despicable, such an unloving and uncaring person as they are, is… Just wait until you do, then you’ll know what I mean.

And then when you take it further, you begin to realise and have to accept: I am a horrible person, made to be so because of my horrible parents. And if this is true, being shown in my impure self-denying negative state – all shown up as my childhood repression, then so is everyone else. Because we are all living in the negative, all stuffed full of repressed feelings and all that’s resulting from them, from our early childhoods. So we are all horrible people, all desperately not wanting to be so, desperately wanting to be liked and thought well of, doing all we can do cover up our yukness by being ‘friendly, ‘happy’, ‘caring’, ‘loving’…

Evil – the denial of personality

We live in a negative self-denying state of mind and will, and consequently we are evil. We can blame each other for being evil: ‘he’s evil, look at all the evil things he does, whereas I am not, I am good, look at all the good, kind and loving things I do’, and yet it’s still all within the negative, all within evil.

We live on a world that exists in rebellion against all that is good and loving, all that is right and true – all that is perfect. We only need look at our relationship with nature to see this. We see the other creatures that share our world as things to use and abuse to make us feel good – to give us feelings of power. We denigrate our environment not because we love it so much, but because we feel so denuded of love ourselves. And something that is true, pure and perfect we can’t allow to exist just as our parents didn’t allow us to exist in our true and perfect states when we were coming into being. Nature must come down to our level and be as we are, as that is all we know.

When we look at how many bad feelings we fail to allow ourselves to feel – feelings that are us, feelings that want and should be expressed – we can only conclude that something is very wrong. And it is. We exist in rebellion against our own nature, we use and abuse ourselves trying to maintain the corruption that exists within us. We only abuse nature because we abuse our own nature, because our parents abused us – it’s what we’ve learnt to sadly believe is the right way to be. We don’t seek to be kind and caring to ourselves by stopping our feeling- and self-denial, we do the very opposite. And in doing so we are stopping ourselves from freely and fully expressing all we are – our personality.

God is Personality. We don’t really understand this, nor understand it’s significance. We can accept and willingly say, God is love, but that allows us to keep the Personality of God somewhat removed from ourselves. Were we to accept that God is Personality, then we’d come to understand that personality is very important. And we’d begin to see that all of Creation is God expressing Their Personality. The Mother and Father have a feeling and they express it. We – humanity – are a result of one such ‘feeling’. God doesn’t hold back in Their expression of personality, allowing both the perfect and imperfect to exist side by side, so why do we?

To understand the problems of humanity – and indeed we all know we do have many – one needs to understand that expression of personality is above all else, for without it there is no love. If there is no personality how can you experience love? Sure love may still exist, but without full personality expression you’ll never know about it.

So we need to attend to our personality understanding how we are denying its full expression – our personality being the sum total of ALL our attributes that define us as the individual we are, including all our thoughts, feelings, emotions, dreams, aspirations, desires together with all our physical, spiritual and behavioural characteristics. We need to look to God as Personality so we can look our own personality. And it doesn’t take much to see that we are living anti-personality, anti what we’ve been created to be.

We are meant to be the shining glory of our personality, not shrivelled up, disease ridden, poor pathetic creatures addicted to all sorts of things that are harmful to us and help to keep our self and personality denial in place.

Look at how addicted you are to your wrong childhood beliefs and behaviours, all of which are driving and maintaining your self-destructive rebellious negative state of being. Look at what your parents did to you and what you are still doing to yourself – look at what you are doing to your own children. Your parents didn’t want to know you as you wanted them to, they didn’t allow you to fully and freely come into being. They told you how they wanted you to be applying many conditions, and you had no option but to comply.

Your parents treated you evilly, and so now you evilly treat yourself, along with evilly treating everyone and everything else you have anything to do with. And by denying yet one small part of your personality, by not freely and fully expressing it – ALL Of YOURSELF, you are not being true, perfect and so are untrue, imperfect – evil. And as none of us want to see and accept this about ourselves, we all put on a false face, false smile, and pretend we are happy and all-loving. All whilst we set about doing to our children all the wrong that was done to us.

Humanity can’t go on denying itself its full personality expression unless it just wants to exist in ever increasing amounts of pain and suffering. Has the world with modernisation – ‘the answer to everything’ – actually decreased its pain and suffering? I don’t think so. And so we will only continue to feel worse and have to do more extreme things to ourselves hiding these bad feelings as we ‘progress’. And one day we’ll start to wake up and wise up to the fact that our type of progress is only progressing deeper into our unloving negative states. That it’s all an illusion that it’s making us feel happier, healthier and more loving. That it’s all only taking us further away from our true selves, deeper into our self- and feeling denial, deeper into personality suppression. Deeper into our evil state of anti love and anti all that is good, true and beautiful.

Our loving families

Consider this: as we are all conceived into a negative self-denying state, we’re all full of childhood repression.

If you don’t believe or feel you have repressed childhood feelings within you, I understand, because before I started to do my feeling-healing I didn’t think I had any in me either.

Now, hands up who would say they come from a loving family? Hands up who don’t feel their family was loving? And you’d probably suspect the show of hands would be in the majority – possibly overwhelming – with most people showing they had and have a loving family. And those people would feel good about their family – right? Of course they would or they wouldn’t have put their hands up – would they?

Okay, so back to the beginning. You have repressed childhood feelings within you. You feel bad in some way, you don’t feel your life is what you want it to be, possibly you have some trauma from your early childhood you’re working on. But still you put your hand up to say you have a loving family.

But don’t you think something is wrong here? Doesn’t it seem strange that you say you have or had a loving family and yet you don’t feel good – that you are full of repressed bad childhood feelings? And that you are denying so many bad feelings all because you are afraid of the truth you might see about the relationships you had in your early life if you allowed yourself to feel them. And what is this truth you are so afraid of? What really is going on deeper within you? So let me ask you, seriously, what was or is so good about your family?

Do you see, do you get it? You CAN’T have had a good loving family experience, at least not as you want to believe it was. If you did you wouldn’t be full of childhood repression. You are living in a fantasy about your family. Your family IS THE DIRECT CAUSE AND ONLY CAUSE OF YOUR CHILDHOOD REPRESSIOIN. It, your parents, and possibly other members in your family, fucked you up. The mess you are in, why you feel so bad, is because of them – BECAUSE OF YOUR FAMILY!

So let’s have another show of hands. Who now feels they have or had a loving family? Can you feel the anguish in you? You want to say yes, but you now know it’s not what you thought it to be. It’s really a NO. But it’s a hard struggle to accept it. You don’t want to accept it. You don’t want to face the truth of it. And hey, that’s okay. Nothing bad is going to happen to you if you don’t, the bad has ALREADY happened to you – IT HAPPENED WITHIN YOUR OWN FAMILY.

We hold up and cherish the family more than any other institution. If the family fails, then it’s all over, we’re fucked, we may as well hand in our shoes and socks and piss off never to return again. What is the point if the family is bad? What can you have in life if you don’t have a sound and secure loving family, a place you can go back to when all else fails? What are you faced with when your one and only safe haven is shown up to be evil, the very horror you fear so much, the very torture chamber you grew up in?

And it is. That’s the sickening truth. The FAMILY is rotten to the core. It is the source of all your problems – all our problems. We uphold all the great family values, such as: not loving each other truly; stopping the child express itself freely; filling us full of childhood repression; believing we’d rather die for our family than say a bad word against it; pretending we feel loved when deeper within us the truth is we don’t feel loved – or not at least as how we needed to feel; ensuring it’s all not what it seems – keeping up the front and maintaining the show.

We go on protecting our parents like faithful morons, protecting the very people who’ve fucked us up. It was not their fault, we say and convince ourselves, our parents loved us and were faultless; it was our fault – the child is always to blame! We shouldn’t have behaved as badly as we did. We are to blame, we gave them too much of a hard time. We EXCUSE THEM. We excuse the family. And we go on pretending in the world we’re all one big happy family, but we’re not. The truth is we all hate each other, just as we all hated each other in our family.

But to come clean is a tough call. Who wants to smash their false loving beliefs about their family apart? Who wants to turn their back on the very EVIL ONES that have caused their childhood repression?

Yet that is what you face if you seriously want to heal all of your negative self-denial unloving state of mind and will. That’s what you’re going to have to do if you seriously want to heal all of your childhood repression.

Who’s selfish?

‘James, don’t be selfish, allow your brother to have some.’

‘No, I don’t want him to have some, it’s mine and I want it all.’

‘Don’t be selfish, that’s mean of you, it’s nasty to not allow your brother to have some, so give him some, and you don’t want to be mean and nasty do you?’

‘No.’

Who does? Does anyone want to be mean and nasty, or even accused of being it? So what chance did I have of being able to live how I wanted to – none. I was controlled and conditioned to live their way. They always got what they wanted, they always had it their way. I had to always do what I was told – so who was mean and nasty, who really was selfish?

And this ‘loving’ parenting has crippled me in so many aspects of my adult life. I am instantly filled with guilt and dread of being punished and called such horrible names as ‘mean’ and ‘nasty’ if anything I do the other person objects to. And this makes is very difficult to do anything as someone is always going to object to something.

Our little cat gets up during the night a number of times. She wants me to pay attention to her, she wants to look outside, she wants something to eat. It’s cold, and after looking outside from front to backdoor, eating something, having lots of pats, she’s happy and I’m cold and want to go back to bed. So I do. And then she starts calling, on and on and on. I try to ignore her, but she jumps on the bed. I try to be firm saying to myself, no, this time I’m not giving in. I want to have it my way. I don’t want to always be told what to do by the cat. I don’t want to be waiting up in the cold for her to look outside. I don’t want to be wandering around in the dark patting and rubbing and rolling her around on her ‘rolly-mat’. I want to be warm and asleep. And doing it once a night is okay – fair’s fair, but three and four times! It gets too much, I don’t want to do it. But then the terrible guilt comes.

Up comes my guilt and dread. I hear my mothers imaginary words in my mind: ‘Oh go on, she won’t be long, at least she doesn’t go off for hours into the night, she only wants to look outside for a little while. Go on, it won’t hurt you. You won’t die from lack of sleep. She can’t let herself out, she needs you, she’s dependant on you and she doesn’t have much of a life. Go on…’ and here it comes… ‘don’t be mean, don’t be nasty, DON’T BE SELFISH. Go on, it’s not much she’s asking of you… go on…’

And it’s those dreaded words that do it to me every time. I give in. Up I get – yet again, go out into the cold, open the door, and wait in the dark. I chastise myself, punish myself for being so mean and nasty, a horrible person who won’t graciously, lovingly, do such a small thing for my cat, for my dear little cat who loves and gives me so much. I dump the shit on myself: it’s true, I am mean and nasty, and I hate myself for being this way. I am selfish. I wish I was a better person, more loving and all-accepting. And it’s true, it’s not going to hurt me, it doesn’t matter that I can’t go back to sleep for half the night, that it takes me ages to get warmed up again, that I have disturbing dreams, and by the time morning comes I feel like I need another nights sleep to recover from all I’ve been through.

And it doesn’t matter that it’s all one way. That I never get a say in it. She always gets what she wants, it’s not fifty-fifty, it’s never equal, it’s always me having to put myself aside, me having to give in and allow the other person to do whatever they want with me. And if I don’t I am accused and punished as being the worst person on Earth. They can all get – and SHOULD get – their way all the time, but not me. I’m praised for being so giving, so selfless, and I’m even told I should be more forceful in getting what I want, in standing up for myself, in being firm and assertive. And yet as soon as I try, guess what happens? ‘Don’t be so mean James, don’t expect everyone to do what you want in life. Life isn’t like that. If that’s how you’re going to behave then no one will like you, you’ll have no friends, no one wants to be with a nasty selfish person, no one wants to do what other people tell them to do all the time.’ And don’t I know it!

But I can’t do anything about it. I’m trapped in my plight, my patterns are set, so I need to have a cute little demanding cat that makes me feel guilty and makes me beat up on myself calling myself bad names, making myself feel bad, all because I dare to think for one moment that I might like to get things my way for a change.

And I can’t tell her to fuck off. I can’t reject her. I can’t just say too bad, go rot in hell, I am not getting up three times during the night to do what you want. You’ll just have to learn that your life is not going to be like that. You’ll just have to learn that you can’t have it ALL YOUR OWN WAY. You’ll just have to learn there are other people in the world other than you, so tough shit, you can whinge and complain all you like but it won’t get you anywhere, I AM NOT GOING TO DO WHAT YOU WANT – EVER!

I can’t do that. They did that with me, but I can’t be like them. I believe I should be, that that is how one is supposed to be and get on in the world, and in small ways I do try and assert my will, be the dominating controller and get what I want, but it’s all pathetic and really only still conditional on the other person allowing me to. As soon as they say no, then up comes the guilt and I feel bad for not respecting or considering them. And instantly I have to put myself aside and be there ready to do what they want – at their service. And I don’t want to be dominating and controlling.

And when the pressure is on, when I’m lying in bed having rejected her saying no, not this time, no way am I going to get up again, I feel so boxed in, I have nowhere to go and I just want to scream. I want to rage with the fury of feeling that it’s all so unjust. I want to have things my way, but I feel so sorry for her as she too wants things her way and she’s smaller than I and she’s dependant on me for so many things. Why can’t I be just all-loving, completely self-sacrificing, just alive to serve her? Why can’t I be the good boy, the boy who is praised for being so kind and considerate, and why can’t I feel good about being this way? Why can’t I live never wanting anything for myself, always there for the other person, always so willing and wanting to give and help? Why can’t I? And why do I believe that I should be this way?

But I can’t be like that. It doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t feel like I ever get a go. If I felt like I did have a go, had all I wanted and wanted nothing more, then perhaps I might be more like this, but it was always, ‘now James, that’s not how to be with your brother. He’s younger than you and so you must be nice to him. You must share your toys with him. You must not hit him. You must be good to him, and if you aren’t, then I will hit you – GOT IT!’

So little James who is now Big James must always be like this. Always putting his brother first. Never just being allowed to get on with his own life. Always having to worry about and be considerate of everyone else. Always having to wait, never being allowed to just go off and explore life as he wants to. Always having to curtail his own natural inspiration. Always having to put the breaks on, always having to stop what he wants to do forcing himself to change accommodating and including the other person. Never being allowed to just be himself. Never being allowed to feel and experience what it might actually be like to be the real and true James. That James doesn’t exist, was stopped from existing, was forced to take the back seat, to be ‘in there’, somewhere, buried and waiting… always waiting… always waiting for the day when they said: ‘Okay now James, because you’ve been such a good unselfish boy, it’s now your turn. Now you can be free to be however you want to be. Now you can go out there and do what you like. You don’t have to worry about or be concerned with anyone else, they can take care of themselves. Now you can start to live your life’. And James waits, and waits. And I wait for something that will never come. I sit at the bus stop waiting for the bus that will take away to my life, but I know it will never come. It never came when I was little. It came close at times, I could see it in the distance, but it always turned the wrong way, it always turned away from me.

And she meows again and it’s quick up James see what she wants, and instantly I have to stop my life, put myself aside and attend to her. I have too because I don’t want to suffer the pain and hurt of being called those horrible names. I don’t want to be mean, nasty and selfish because then no one will like me. No one will want to be with me. No one will want to be my friend. No one will love me. She won’t even like me or love me anymore. And then I will be all alone. All alone and with nothing to do. Then I won’t have anyone telling me how to be and what I should do. But I won’t be happy with that because having no friends, no one who likes or even loves you, is even worse that being called selfish.

And you know, the part I’ve never understood is that they accuse me of being selfish if I don’t do what they want me to do, if they don’t get their way, but when I accuse them of being selfish, they tell me to stop saying mean and nasty things about them. They say it’s bad to say bad things about other people. So I don’t get it. I always loose out. I always end up feeling bad.

IT’S MY TURN NOW!

I had to obey my parents – NOW YOU HAVE TO OBEY ME! And you just have to, because I say. I don’t need a reason, I don’t need to justify it, I don’t need to tell you why – YOU JUST DO! You do because I say so – AND THAT IS ENOUGH! I am the parent now, you are not, you are the child – I HAVE THE POWER. You do not.

When I was a child they had power over me. They made me feel powerless. I was powerless. I had no say – no say in my own life. They had all the say and I had to obey. The were BIG, I was small, and that was enough. What could I do? Nothing. And I hated it. I hated them. I hated how they treated me – their own child.

And I wanted to smash them. I wanted to scream and yell and make them stop. I tried but it did me no good. But I still wanted to and still do want to even though I had to bury and repress such bad feelings. I want to rage. I want to tell them how much they have hurt me. I want to tell them how much I feel unloved by them – my own parents.

I want to smash my anger and rage all over them, but I can’t. So what can I do with it all? I look around to dump it on someone else. Someone lesser than I. And I find that person – my own child. And I breathe a sigh of relief as finally, FINALLY, there is someone I have power over. Finally I can make someone do what I want. Finally I can make them be how I want them to be. Finally I am BIG and they are small. And they don’t get a say. They can protest and try to resist all they want but it won’t get them anywhere. Because I am the strong one and they are weak. They loose; I win. And I feel good. I can even say to them: I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. And they can’t say anything other than they love me too more than anything in the world, because if they don’t say it, I’ll smash them. And they know it. I’ve done it plenty of times before.

My parents made me feel bad, so I want to make someone or something else feel bad, even if I do it in my imagination. I can’t make them feel bad, I am too powerless with them to do that – they had all the power. But I can make someone or something else that is not them feel bad. And that is how it is meant to be – isn’t it? Isn’t it what they taught me? Isn’t it how we are meant to live our lives? When it’s our turn, when we’ve grown up, then we can be the boss, then we can do all we want, then no one can tell us NO! STOP THAT! and stop us. Then we are free. And we all want to be free – RIGHT!

Free to finally make another person or creature feel bad. And it’s so easy to do. Just have a child, it couldn’t be easier…