God hates me

Why does God make all the bad things happen to me? Why does God make me have such a shit life? Why does God hate me? Other people have a good like, but I don’t – and why not? What’s so wrong with me? What did I do? Why does God take it all out on me? Why do I have to be punished so much? It’s so unfair. I don’t want to always be feeling bad. I want to feel good and enjoy my life. So why can’t I? Why won’t You give me a good life God? Why do You hate me?

Why do I feel that God hates me? I don’t actually know if God does hate me – it’s just what I feel. But are my feelings real and true? I don’t know because I’m not real and true.

From what I understand, when we are little it’s our parents who are god. Our parents are everything. Nothing else exists other than them. We ‘absorb’ all we need from them (and other influential ‘carers’). Our mind and feeling systems aren’t developed enough to include anyone else. Then we grow up seeing the world through their eyes, with our patterns of belief and behaviour having been formed around how our parents ‘parented’ – treated – us.

So we grow up feeling like and believing we’ve grown up to become a unique individual, which of course from our personality perspective we can be nothing else, but when we do our feeling-healing working our way through our childhood repression, we soon see just how much of what we thought was our own unique individuality is from our parents, how much we’ve simply adopted from them making it ours.

And so it is with God. Our relationship with God actually begins with our relationship with our parents. So if we feel hated by our parents we’ll feel hated by God. If we feel loved by our parents we’ll feel loved by God. And then on top of this truth comes all the other yuk – the wrong beliefs, fears, negative behaviours and patterns, making the truth of our relationship with God and our parents very difficult to find.  We might, for example, feel we love God and that God loves us, but this may only be a self-imposed belief (the same as believing our parents love us and we love them) and not something based on true life experience.  It might be something we desperately want to believe to be true, yet without any experiential foundation to substantiate such belief, how can we know if we’re simply not lying to ourselves.

All I am presenting about childhood repression and using what I call Feeling-Healing to heal it, is based on the idea of using your bad feelings to go deep into yourself to find out the truth of what really is going on within you – what really you are feeling.

And so when you come to hating and having to express all your bad feelings about God, all I want you to understand is that it’s not really about God, it is, as it always is, all about your feelings. So you can use your hatred of God to help you look deeper into your relationship with your parents, to see your hatred of them. And conversely, as you uncover your hatred of your parents, so too might you uncover your hatred of God, seeing what your relationship with God is really based on.

We’ve had it pushed down out throats until we’re gagging on it that God loves us, and yet we only have to look at ourselves and our lives to wonder, if this is so, then were is all this love. For if it were so, surely we’d feel it and be living a life of complete joy and happiness. However the truth is God may love us as it is said, but truly we’ll never be able to feel this for certain until we’ve first healed all our unloving feelings we feel from our parents. All the pain and suffering caused us by our parents is blocking any true relationship we can have with God. Of course we can believe we love God and that God loves us, and we can swoon with the love of God as it fills our soul and courses through our veins as some people seem to experience, but this is still all based on beliefs from our early childhood, often our offsetting all the pain, hatred and rejection we felt from our parents by looking to God to be our great loving better and ‘new’ parents.  But it’s all a fantasy, just as is all the so-called mind generated love we feel for and from God. It’s all unreal as will be shown to you as you work your way through your childhood repression healing.

We can’t have a true relationship with God until we are having a true relationship with ourselves. And we can’t have a true relationship with ourself until we have a true relationship with our parents. And as we can’t go back and start again with our parents being unconditionally loving, all-accepting and no longer of a negative state of being, we can only, through our feeling-healing, heal them ‘within’ us.  We can only seek to perfect all their imperfect legacy, that which we’ve taken on from them. And whilst we’re in and of a negative state of mind and will, the truth of this legacy will all be about how unloved we feel by our parents and how much we hate them for it.

When all your hidden suppressed bad feelings have been brought to light, when you’ve uncovered the whole truth of your negative state, then you will be free to enter into a true relationship with God (and with everyone else for that matter), being able to truly feel from your heart and without any mind and belief interference what true love feels like. Then you will finally be free of your early parenting restrictions and limitations. Then you will be fully the true and unique adult and child of God that you are.

What Jesus didn’t say…

Or perhaps he did, but we didn’t record it because it was just too close to the bone, was that the real evil monster is our parents.

Sure on a spiritual and personality level, the Rebellion and Default against all that was good, true and perfect – ourselves – was brought about and then inflicted on us by higher unseen spirits, however that was long ago. And as Jesus said, he came to stop such spirits evil influence over us, which he did.

So then for two thousand years we’ve persisted in fantasising about some strange malevolent influence that’s seeking our souls destruction, but it’s all fantasy. What truly has happened is we’ve taken on this negative spiritual influence and made it what we call normal life. And how we live in our rebellious feeling-denial state brought about by what caused our childhood repression is the end result. And how we pass it onto our children is by default. And generation after generation we live on believing we are parenting our children lovingly, when in fact all we are doing is subjecting and indoctrinating them to the same negative evil self-denying condition we were subjected to. And we call this normal life. We fail to see that it’s abnormal because we don’t have anything to put it up against. So we just try to get on and ‘make the most of it’.

So we’ve built up huge religions all in the name of perpetuating the evil. The religions and all involved within it are Satan’s good little helpers without even knowing it. We are all Satan’s good little helpers without even knowing it.

And these so-called great religions, great because they are doing such a terrific job at maintaining the control of evil, of the negative, over us and within us, do all these wonderful things for their faithful followers. They help them to keep living in a feeling- and self-deluded way. All under the guise of ’saving ones soul’, when the truth of how to really save your soul is to face the truth of what your parents did to you, how they treated you to bring about your childhood repression.

And you can only do this by stopping the denial of all those bad feelings you don’t want to feel. Which really means by giving up, giving in, allowing the dreaded ‘devil’ – your parents – to get you. (Which is after all what has already happened.) That is to allow yourself to feel all they have made you feel, to speak about it all and to uncover the truth within you as to why they did it and how it’s affected you. To heal your negative condition.

Parenting techniques

I am not a parent. So many people would no doubt say that I have therefore no authority to comment on parenting, as it’s all very different when you have your own child. But I don’t care about that.

At times my parents tried to use various techniques on me, some gave them more power over me, some less. They all helped to fuck me up more.

As I read the latest techniques going around I know it will be the same for those parents using them, some will feel the techniques are helping them with their children, some not, and all will be helping to further fuck up their children.

What I do want to point out is that if any sort of technique or controlling discipline is required, then the parent has already gone way too far over the line. Their child is already way too fucked up. And the parents are way too fucked up from their early childhood being in a position to even consider using such things.

The whole idea of ‘good parenting’, using endless tips and tools, endless suggestions, endless ways to try and get what you want being the parent, only reflects all I am talking about in my posts: that we don’t love our children truly, that we only parent for control and power using our children to gain it, and all because we were made to feel so powerless by our parents. It all simply reflects the negative condition we’ve all had imposed, one way or another, on us.

Perfect loving parents will have no need to use a technique. They will simply parent with their feelings. And as their feelings will be a result of their living true, then they will always do perfectly what is needed ensuring their child will only ever feel fully loved by them.

To approach parenting from the point of view of having to work out the best or better ways of doing it with your mind is doing exactly what you’re parents have forced you to do – go against your feelings using your mind to control and dominate yourself and others. And this can only be self-rejecting, unfeeling and unloving, that which you are imposing on your child.

What I want to try and show is that the problem is much larger than trying to impose a couple of good helpful parenting techniques on your child all so you can get on and achieve all you believe is good in your life, all so you can have a more ‘loving’ and ‘harmonious’ relationship with your child. However, if this is what you want, then why not. But it’s not better parenting, it will still be fucking up your child, only in a different way. It will still be only adding to the damage already done, even if it seems like on the surface things are going along a lot smoother.

I want to point out that parenting as we know it is wrong, meaning it has an adverse and unloving affect upon the child. How we do ANY of it is wrong. And it’s all wrong because we’re doing it within self-denying negative states of being. And it’s this negative condition that we have to heal, and until we do, we’ll only be forever going around in circles, forever coming up with yet more ‘better’ ways to parent.

You’ve got to be a parent!

Why?

You’ve got to have kids.

Why?

Your life will feel incomplete if you don’t have kids.

Why?

You don’t know what you’re missing out on.

Really?

Everyone has children, it’s what you do.

Apparently.

It’s the great love, the love you get from your children and the love you give to them – that’s what it’s all about.

Is it?

But if you don’t have children you won’t feel fulfilled, you won’t have any purpose in life.

Oh well.

You can’t not have children – everyone does it.

So it would seem.

And if you don’t have children everything would end.

Great!

There’s something wrong with you if you don’t have children.

Hmm.

Why aren’t you having children!?

Because I want no part of the fantasy, that called – BEING A LOVING PARENT.

Love?

As I have said, I grew up believing I was loved by my parents. And I believed I loved them. And with my brother and sister we all lived in a relatively happy family. Yet my childhood repression has shown me otherwise. It has shown me through my buried early feeling-memories from my early childhood that this wasn’t the case, that there wasn’t any real or true love, it was all a fabricated ‘love’ based mostly on words and a desperate need to believe it was love.

On this blog and in my other writings on my Childhood Repression web site, I want to bring into question – love: is it real and true that which we call and even feel to be love? I want to aim for the bottom line, that being that it’s not love – that nothing we say or call love is real or true love. That it is all just something we’ve made up in and with our minds. And that it can’t be real, pure and true love because we are not living real, pure and true lives. We are not perfect, being imperfect as seen by the fact that we all have repressed early childhood feelings buried deep within us, all of which effectively taint that which we call love.

Generally, if I were make a gross generalised statement, I would say that if one feels wanted, accepted and involved within in one parents lives whilst growing up, then one will feel loved and so love them. And one will feel reasonably secure, confident and self-assured. And if one doesn’t feel wanted, accepted or involved, then one grows up feeling insecure, unconfident and scared of most things. And so if life works for you, as another gross generalisation, it will be because you had a good and loving relationship with your parents during your forming years, and if it doesn’t work, then you didn’t.

And what I want to highlight is the fact that this so-called love may not be what it is. I want to question it, to put the spotlight on it, and I want to know if it is genuinely real and true or if it is not.

And it will take people doing their childhood repression healing, completely healing their negative self-denying state of mind and will, to uncover the truth within themselves as to whether all they feel and believe to be love is love. For if it is true, real and pure then it will hold up through the healing scrutiny of suppressed bad feelings surfacing as they are allowed to. And if it doesn’t hold up, it will prove to be false and untrue.

I firmly believe we all live self-created fantasies, some people more happy about what they achieve than others. And all ‘love’ within them is false. Certainly within our feeling-denying negative states we can feel good and bad, perhaps even ‘loved’, but it’s still all within the negative, so ultimately none of it is real and true.

And I believe that until we accept this, and want to scrutinised all that we call love, we’ll never feel truly happy, and life will go on as it has with countless numbers of us wondering why we’re not happy and don’t feel loved. With the answer being what we dare not face – that we’re NOT loved and AREN’T happy, because we NEVER were.

Strapped in

He’s strapped into the car seat.

He’s strapped into the pusher.

He’s pushed around.

He’s left strapped in his pusher in various places whilst they do what they want to do.

Some of the day passes and he’s still strapped in his pusher.

He eats and sleeps strapped in his pusher.

For a short moment or two he’s removed from his pusher whilst his nappy is changed.

Then he’s put straight back into his pusher.

He’s left again strapped in his pusher as they carry on doing more things.

More of the day passes as he remains strapped in his pusher.

He eats more, sleeps more, cries more – still strapped in his pusher.

Then he’s taken out of his pusher and strapped back into the car seat.

Finally he’s at home, the straps come off, and he’s allowed to be free… but only for a little while.

The little babies and toddlers that come to the Fishing Park stay strapped in their pushers (or strollers) for hours at a time.

During our most crucial forming time in life, a time when we need continual affection and hands on attention and care, we’re left alone, denied it, stuck in our prams, pushers and strollers. And we grow up being told we are loved, loved by our all-caring parents. We learn that rejection, abandonment, frustration, anger and boredom is feeling loved. The straps never being entirely removed.

And so it goes on.

The next day we then strap our child back into the car seat…

Paying the Price

If you cross the line you pay the price, and the price will be pain and will be paid in full. The Golden Rule is to never make or force another person or creature go against it’s own will; to make or force them to do what they don’t want to do – to go against and be untrue to themselves. And if you do, even if it’s in a ‘well-meaning’, ‘caring’, ‘loving’ way you are still causing them to hurt themselves by going against themselves and living untrue to their own self-expression. And if you hurt them it means you are already hurting yourself, as you can only do to another what you are doing to yourself. And if you are unaware you are hurting yourself, so too will you be unaware you are hurting them. And in hurting them you will have to suffer the same amount of pain you are making them suffer, bringing upon yourself yet more suffering and pain.

And this is how we parent, it’s how we conduct all our relationships.

We think nothing of yelling at our child forcing it to do what we want it to do, all the while being completely unaware of the damage, hurt and pain we are inflicting on it, or of which we are suffering making us treat another person in this unloving way.

We think nothing of yelling at our dog making it obey us; we think nothing of keeping the bird cooped up in a cage; fish in a tank, and we think nothing of allowing our cat to roam far and wide killing everything that takes its fancy.

And we think nothing of keeping all our farm animals to just make money out of them: to keep the cows in field without shelter, a single horse in a paddock without company, a pig enclosed living on concrete, a chicken…

And we don’t understand that we can do these things to other people and creatures, denying them their true self-expression, because we are already doing such things to ourselves, because that is what was done to us. We don’t understand we were treated this way as children and so we believe and feel it’s right to treat others in the same way.

We don’t understand that we can only do to another what was done to us. And if we were made to suffer and then made to feel that this was okay, it being how life is meant to be, then we naturally won’t see or feel anything wrong by making another suffer and be like ourselves.

We don’t feel our pain and hurt because we weren’t allowed to. We were forced to deny it. Our parents broke the Golden Rule making us believe they loved us when they made us feel so bad.

And we don’t understand, feel or truly appreciate that when we do a bad thing to someone else we too are going to suffer for it. Sure if we murder or rape or use another for our own ends guilt will catch up with us sometime, but we still fail to understand that it’s in all those seemingly ‘acceptable’ little daily things we do to ourselves, other creatures and other people – even to those we love – that are wrong and will one day cause us to feel the pain of the wrongdoing.

And we don’t understand because mostly we are too shut off to our bad feelings. If we weren’t and we crossed the line, immediately we would have hurt another in any way – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, psychically – we’d feel bad, we’d feel the same amount of pain we’d inflicted on them. And so naturally wouldn’t want to keep behaving as we are.

And we still fail to understand that there are natural laws in place governing Creation. That in fact we don’t have to make up any laws ourselves. And that if we were all living true to ourselves as soon as we did something bad to another person or creature we’d know we’d hurt and disrespected them because we too would feel bad, as if the bad thing had been done to us. So life would naturally educate us through our feelings as to what was right and wrong and how to conduct relationships in a loving way.

Life would be so much simpler and we wouldn’t need all our manmade laws, all which are necessary only because and to show us just how removed from our true selves we have become. The more laws we need the further away from our true nature we are getting. And the more untrue we are living, the more shut off from our true feelings we are and so the more pain we inflict on ourselves and on others .

Having masses of laws is not a statement of a civilised society, it’s a statement of in what a bad way we are – how unloving of ourselves and each we are and accept as being ‘right’.

We are only cruel to others and nature because we are cruel to ourselves. And we are only cruel to ourselves because our parents were cruel to us. And our parents were only cruel to us because their parents were cruel to them. And their parents were cruel to them only because their parents were cruel to them. And their parents were cruel…

Yelling at your child – again!

Your child makes you angry – again! The anger rushes up in you. It’s a wild force, too strong, too overwhelming to be controlled. It surges up in you and what can you do with it other than deliver it like a full punch to your child – to the offending person. In your rage and fury you want to kill it, not just stop it, but blast it off the face of the earth, wipe it out, get rid of it completely. It’s no longer your sweet little child whom you ‘love’ so much, it’s all your fear being slammed in your face and your anger rushes up trying to protect yourself from the evil monster that is threatening your life. So you bash into your child. It may only be verbally, it may also be physically, but you want to smash it down, crunch it, quickly bringing it back under your control.

For deeply buried reasons that you are not aware of your child has pushed all your warning buttons, you react ‘not being yourself’ as your power is being threatened. You don’t want to loose your power because to feel so powerless means you feel all those terrible bad feelings you dread, all those shocking feelings you felt when your parents did exactly what you are now doing to your child, all of which you have forced yourself to forget, bury and deny.

So your little child has become you and you are now back with your parent who is yelling and abusing you, repeating the same unloving pattern – yet again. And you are helplessly trapped in it. You have crossed the line, left yourself, denying your own bad feelings, all to stop the other person from making you feel bad. You want to stop them making you feel bad by crunching them because you don’t know what else to do – and how can you as there never was another way, your parents only ever treated you this way, just as they themselves were only ever treated by their parents.

But in crossing the line, not only are you hurting your own precious little child, you are also hurting your own precious self. You are blatantly disregarding your feelings – your bad feelings, all the fear that is giving rise to your anger. You are disregarding yourself just as you are disregarding your own child. In the blaze of anger no ones feelings can be regarded, all goes to shit, all needing to be destroyed.

There is no staying on your side of the fence and accepting and speaking about all the bad feelings your child is making your feel. Allowing yourself to be sympathetic to yourself, to all you are feeling, even including your anger. You are dismissing and denying yourself with the only result being to abuse your child. You are a child-abuser and in that very moment the worst kind because your child is going to develop those very same patterns of self- and feeling-denial that you have developed from your own parents. You are killing them, only not so much physically, but you are preventing them from freely expressing their emerging personality – so your anger is doing what you want with it, you are getting your way, yet in ways you are not readily aware of. And if your child actually stops what it’s doing and takes notice of you then that’s an added bonus, you can retain your power and control.

And in this state you still need an outlet, but one that is not your child. And that outlet is with your partner, with someone you can yell and express all your anger to and speak about how bad your feelings are making you feel – how bad your child is making you feel. Your rage needs to be vented but not on the innocent one, you need to stay on your side and vent to someone, another adult, who can cope with it – a friend, someone who will understand and be the kind, caring, sympathetic parent you didn’t have. Someone who will listen to you and take you seriously. Someone who won’t judge you or tell you what to do or make you stop. Someone with whom you can just go for it with allowing yourself to finally say all those horrible things you’ve wanted to say back to your own unloving, uncaring parents. And if you can’t do it in the moment with your partner, then when you can. Put yourself back in your bad feelings, allow your rage to be ignited again, and go for it.

There is always another way, but that way is hard, if not impossible, to see because we are rendered blind by our parenting and resulting patterns. But the way is still there, and it can be found were you to want to seek the truth of yourself, doing your feeling-healing and stop denying your bad feelings. And when it is revealed then surprisingly you may find that your relationship with your child changes, and so much so, that it won’t even do what was pushing your buttons because there is no need for it to do so anymore as you no longer have such buttons within you to be pushed.

As parents are the leaders, as you change, so too will your child. With your child being there to help you uncover and reveal the truth of yourself. The child whilst it’s forming is somewhat like nature, but even more so, there to reflect back to you exactly as you are. So if your child is making your angry, it’s not actually your child that is making you angry, it’s really yourself, you’re doing it all to yourself, with your child lovingly and selflessly showing – reflecting – back to you this aspect of yourself you are not paying attention to. And instead of being ever so grateful for it lovingly helping you, you erupt unconsciously with your anger, crunching down hard on it blaming it for being the evil one. When the sad truth is – you are the Evil One, not your innocent little blameless child.

Who’s selfish?

‘James, don’t be selfish, allow your brother to have some.’

‘No, I don’t want him to have some, it’s mine and I want it all.’

‘Don’t be selfish, that’s mean of you, it’s nasty to not allow your brother to have some, so give him some, and you don’t want to be mean and nasty do you?’

‘No.’

Who does? Does anyone want to be mean and nasty, or even accused of being it? So what chance did I have of being able to live how I wanted to – none. I was controlled and conditioned to live their way. They always got what they wanted, they always had it their way. I had to always do what I was told – so who was mean and nasty, who really was selfish?

And this ‘loving’ parenting has crippled me in so many aspects of my adult life. I am instantly filled with guilt and dread of being punished and called such horrible names as ‘mean’ and ‘nasty’ if anything I do the other person objects to. And this makes is very difficult to do anything as someone is always going to object to something.

Our little cat gets up during the night a number of times. She wants me to pay attention to her, she wants to look outside, she wants something to eat. It’s cold, and after looking outside from front to backdoor, eating something, having lots of pats, she’s happy and I’m cold and want to go back to bed. So I do. And then she starts calling, on and on and on. I try to ignore her, but she jumps on the bed. I try to be firm saying to myself, no, this time I’m not giving in. I want to have it my way. I don’t want to always be told what to do by the cat. I don’t want to be waiting up in the cold for her to look outside. I don’t want to be wandering around in the dark patting and rubbing and rolling her around on her ‘rolly-mat’. I want to be warm and asleep. And doing it once a night is okay – fair’s fair, but three and four times! It gets too much, I don’t want to do it. But then the terrible guilt comes.

Up comes my guilt and dread. I hear my mothers imaginary words in my mind: ‘Oh go on, she won’t be long, at least she doesn’t go off for hours into the night, she only wants to look outside for a little while. Go on, it won’t hurt you. You won’t die from lack of sleep. She can’t let herself out, she needs you, she’s dependant on you and she doesn’t have much of a life. Go on…’ and here it comes… ‘don’t be mean, don’t be nasty, DON’T BE SELFISH. Go on, it’s not much she’s asking of you… go on…’

And it’s those dreaded words that do it to me every time. I give in. Up I get – yet again, go out into the cold, open the door, and wait in the dark. I chastise myself, punish myself for being so mean and nasty, a horrible person who won’t graciously, lovingly, do such a small thing for my cat, for my dear little cat who loves and gives me so much. I dump the shit on myself: it’s true, I am mean and nasty, and I hate myself for being this way. I am selfish. I wish I was a better person, more loving and all-accepting. And it’s true, it’s not going to hurt me, it doesn’t matter that I can’t go back to sleep for half the night, that it takes me ages to get warmed up again, that I have disturbing dreams, and by the time morning comes I feel like I need another nights sleep to recover from all I’ve been through.

And it doesn’t matter that it’s all one way. That I never get a say in it. She always gets what she wants, it’s not fifty-fifty, it’s never equal, it’s always me having to put myself aside, me having to give in and allow the other person to do whatever they want with me. And if I don’t I am accused and punished as being the worst person on Earth. They can all get – and SHOULD get – their way all the time, but not me. I’m praised for being so giving, so selfless, and I’m even told I should be more forceful in getting what I want, in standing up for myself, in being firm and assertive. And yet as soon as I try, guess what happens? ‘Don’t be so mean James, don’t expect everyone to do what you want in life. Life isn’t like that. If that’s how you’re going to behave then no one will like you, you’ll have no friends, no one wants to be with a nasty selfish person, no one wants to do what other people tell them to do all the time.’ And don’t I know it!

But I can’t do anything about it. I’m trapped in my plight, my patterns are set, so I need to have a cute little demanding cat that makes me feel guilty and makes me beat up on myself calling myself bad names, making myself feel bad, all because I dare to think for one moment that I might like to get things my way for a change.

And I can’t tell her to fuck off. I can’t reject her. I can’t just say too bad, go rot in hell, I am not getting up three times during the night to do what you want. You’ll just have to learn that your life is not going to be like that. You’ll just have to learn that you can’t have it ALL YOUR OWN WAY. You’ll just have to learn there are other people in the world other than you, so tough shit, you can whinge and complain all you like but it won’t get you anywhere, I AM NOT GOING TO DO WHAT YOU WANT – EVER!

I can’t do that. They did that with me, but I can’t be like them. I believe I should be, that that is how one is supposed to be and get on in the world, and in small ways I do try and assert my will, be the dominating controller and get what I want, but it’s all pathetic and really only still conditional on the other person allowing me to. As soon as they say no, then up comes the guilt and I feel bad for not respecting or considering them. And instantly I have to put myself aside and be there ready to do what they want – at their service. And I don’t want to be dominating and controlling.

And when the pressure is on, when I’m lying in bed having rejected her saying no, not this time, no way am I going to get up again, I feel so boxed in, I have nowhere to go and I just want to scream. I want to rage with the fury of feeling that it’s all so unjust. I want to have things my way, but I feel so sorry for her as she too wants things her way and she’s smaller than I and she’s dependant on me for so many things. Why can’t I be just all-loving, completely self-sacrificing, just alive to serve her? Why can’t I be the good boy, the boy who is praised for being so kind and considerate, and why can’t I feel good about being this way? Why can’t I live never wanting anything for myself, always there for the other person, always so willing and wanting to give and help? Why can’t I? And why do I believe that I should be this way?

But I can’t be like that. It doesn’t make me feel good. I don’t feel like I ever get a go. If I felt like I did have a go, had all I wanted and wanted nothing more, then perhaps I might be more like this, but it was always, ‘now James, that’s not how to be with your brother. He’s younger than you and so you must be nice to him. You must share your toys with him. You must not hit him. You must be good to him, and if you aren’t, then I will hit you – GOT IT!’

So little James who is now Big James must always be like this. Always putting his brother first. Never just being allowed to get on with his own life. Always having to worry about and be considerate of everyone else. Always having to wait, never being allowed to just go off and explore life as he wants to. Always having to curtail his own natural inspiration. Always having to put the breaks on, always having to stop what he wants to do forcing himself to change accommodating and including the other person. Never being allowed to just be himself. Never being allowed to feel and experience what it might actually be like to be the real and true James. That James doesn’t exist, was stopped from existing, was forced to take the back seat, to be ‘in there’, somewhere, buried and waiting… always waiting… always waiting for the day when they said: ‘Okay now James, because you’ve been such a good unselfish boy, it’s now your turn. Now you can be free to be however you want to be. Now you can go out there and do what you like. You don’t have to worry about or be concerned with anyone else, they can take care of themselves. Now you can start to live your life’. And James waits, and waits. And I wait for something that will never come. I sit at the bus stop waiting for the bus that will take away to my life, but I know it will never come. It never came when I was little. It came close at times, I could see it in the distance, but it always turned the wrong way, it always turned away from me.

And she meows again and it’s quick up James see what she wants, and instantly I have to stop my life, put myself aside and attend to her. I have too because I don’t want to suffer the pain and hurt of being called those horrible names. I don’t want to be mean, nasty and selfish because then no one will like me. No one will want to be with me. No one will want to be my friend. No one will love me. She won’t even like me or love me anymore. And then I will be all alone. All alone and with nothing to do. Then I won’t have anyone telling me how to be and what I should do. But I won’t be happy with that because having no friends, no one who likes or even loves you, is even worse that being called selfish.

And you know, the part I’ve never understood is that they accuse me of being selfish if I don’t do what they want me to do, if they don’t get their way, but when I accuse them of being selfish, they tell me to stop saying mean and nasty things about them. They say it’s bad to say bad things about other people. So I don’t get it. I always loose out. I always end up feeling bad.

IT’S MY TURN NOW!

I had to obey my parents – NOW YOU HAVE TO OBEY ME! And you just have to, because I say. I don’t need a reason, I don’t need to justify it, I don’t need to tell you why – YOU JUST DO! You do because I say so – AND THAT IS ENOUGH! I am the parent now, you are not, you are the child – I HAVE THE POWER. You do not.

When I was a child they had power over me. They made me feel powerless. I was powerless. I had no say – no say in my own life. They had all the say and I had to obey. The were BIG, I was small, and that was enough. What could I do? Nothing. And I hated it. I hated them. I hated how they treated me – their own child.

And I wanted to smash them. I wanted to scream and yell and make them stop. I tried but it did me no good. But I still wanted to and still do want to even though I had to bury and repress such bad feelings. I want to rage. I want to tell them how much they have hurt me. I want to tell them how much I feel unloved by them – my own parents.

I want to smash my anger and rage all over them, but I can’t. So what can I do with it all? I look around to dump it on someone else. Someone lesser than I. And I find that person – my own child. And I breathe a sigh of relief as finally, FINALLY, there is someone I have power over. Finally I can make someone do what I want. Finally I can make them be how I want them to be. Finally I am BIG and they are small. And they don’t get a say. They can protest and try to resist all they want but it won’t get them anywhere. Because I am the strong one and they are weak. They loose; I win. And I feel good. I can even say to them: I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. And they can’t say anything other than they love me too more than anything in the world, because if they don’t say it, I’ll smash them. And they know it. I’ve done it plenty of times before.

My parents made me feel bad, so I want to make someone or something else feel bad, even if I do it in my imagination. I can’t make them feel bad, I am too powerless with them to do that – they had all the power. But I can make someone or something else that is not them feel bad. And that is how it is meant to be – isn’t it? Isn’t it what they taught me? Isn’t it how we are meant to live our lives? When it’s our turn, when we’ve grown up, then we can be the boss, then we can do all we want, then no one can tell us NO! STOP THAT! and stop us. Then we are free. And we all want to be free – RIGHT!

Free to finally make another person or creature feel bad. And it’s so easy to do. Just have a child, it couldn’t be easier…