Why would you want to be a therapist?

Because it’s a way you can gain power.

Everything we do in our negative orientated mind and will lives is to gain power, an attempt to re-gain the power our parents deprived us of naturally feeling and expressing as we grew up.

Our parenting is mostly all negative, yet we call it loving. So much of it had a negative unloving effect on us as seen by our having repressed childhood feelings – our childhood repression. And yet we call it all love.

In our unloving states as we grew up we felt powerless many times. Just look at how parents treat their children – does the child have equal power with the adult? No, the whole thing about being a child, so we seem to believe, is that the child is inferior and can’t nor shouldn’t have equal power. And so by treating our children this way we make them feel powerless, we’re always de-powering them, always pulling the rug out from under them. We might try and pump them up in other ways, trying to make them feel all-powerful and loved, but it’s all too late, and all on a condition of previous powerlessness.

And as children we don’t want to feel powerless. We do all we can to gain power within our family, some people being more successful at it than others. Yet it’s still all ONLY a subset of our parents all-powerful dominion.

And so all we do as adults is done to try and maintain our false-power within our powerless states, within our negative condition. And so those people who feel they can help others by being a therapist really see being a therapist as their means of having power, of trying to make up some of their childhood power deficit. And it’s acceptable. Being a therapist is ‘good’, so we all say, it’s a good way to try and re-gain power. Whereas being a murder is bad, that is unacceptable and not the ‘right’ way to re-gain power. And the therapist is held in high esteem, they can actually help others to shed some of their feelings of powerlessness possibly helping or enabling them to find new ways of re-gaining some of their lost and denied power.

So is it good to seek to gain power by using others to do so? Or is it that we’re happy, or at least pretend we are happy, with the trade off. We allow the therapist to use us because we believe and feel we are getting something out of it, something that will eventually and hopefully make us feel more powerful and better about ourselves? And so, is it right that therapists say you must not attempt to do your childhood repression healing without their help, and if you do… look out, all manner of bad things might happen to you.

And yet don’t misunderstand me, I only want to point out the truth of such things as I have come to see them. And I also understand that within our fuckedness we do need help, and help from those who may be using us to gain power. But that’s how it is within the negative – it can’t be any other way. But in time as you progress in your feeling-healing, the truth will come and along with it your own feelings of power – true power. And so your need to be dependant on such help from anyone else will diminish, to one day, end, the day when your childhood repression healing is over and you no longer feel powerless and under the regime of your parents. And what a great day that will be!

Love?

As I have said, I grew up believing I was loved by my parents. And I believed I loved them. And with my brother and sister we all lived in a relatively happy family. Yet my childhood repression has shown me otherwise. It has shown me through my buried early feeling-memories from my early childhood that this wasn’t the case, that there wasn’t any real or true love, it was all a fabricated ‘love’ based mostly on words and a desperate need to believe it was love.

On this blog and in my other writings on my Childhood Repression web site, I want to bring into question – love: is it real and true that which we call and even feel to be love? I want to aim for the bottom line, that being that it’s not love – that nothing we say or call love is real or true love. That it is all just something we’ve made up in and with our minds. And that it can’t be real, pure and true love because we are not living real, pure and true lives. We are not perfect, being imperfect as seen by the fact that we all have repressed early childhood feelings buried deep within us, all of which effectively taint that which we call love.

Generally, if I were make a gross generalised statement, I would say that if one feels wanted, accepted and involved within in one parents lives whilst growing up, then one will feel loved and so love them. And one will feel reasonably secure, confident and self-assured. And if one doesn’t feel wanted, accepted or involved, then one grows up feeling insecure, unconfident and scared of most things. And so if life works for you, as another gross generalisation, it will be because you had a good and loving relationship with your parents during your forming years, and if it doesn’t work, then you didn’t.

And what I want to highlight is the fact that this so-called love may not be what it is. I want to question it, to put the spotlight on it, and I want to know if it is genuinely real and true or if it is not.

And it will take people doing their childhood repression healing, completely healing their negative self-denying state of mind and will, to uncover the truth within themselves as to whether all they feel and believe to be love is love. For if it is true, real and pure then it will hold up through the healing scrutiny of suppressed bad feelings surfacing as they are allowed to. And if it doesn’t hold up, it will prove to be false and untrue.

I firmly believe we all live self-created fantasies, some people more happy about what they achieve than others. And all ‘love’ within them is false. Certainly within our feeling-denying negative states we can feel good and bad, perhaps even ‘loved’, but it’s still all within the negative, so ultimately none of it is real and true.

And I believe that until we accept this, and want to scrutinised all that we call love, we’ll never feel truly happy, and life will go on as it has with countless numbers of us wondering why we’re not happy and don’t feel loved. With the answer being what we dare not face – that we’re NOT loved and AREN’T happy, because we NEVER were.

Paying the Price

If you cross the line you pay the price, and the price will be pain and will be paid in full. The Golden Rule is to never make or force another person or creature go against it’s own will; to make or force them to do what they don’t want to do – to go against and be untrue to themselves. And if you do, even if it’s in a ‘well-meaning’, ‘caring’, ‘loving’ way you are still causing them to hurt themselves by going against themselves and living untrue to their own self-expression. And if you hurt them it means you are already hurting yourself, as you can only do to another what you are doing to yourself. And if you are unaware you are hurting yourself, so too will you be unaware you are hurting them. And in hurting them you will have to suffer the same amount of pain you are making them suffer, bringing upon yourself yet more suffering and pain.

And this is how we parent, it’s how we conduct all our relationships.

We think nothing of yelling at our child forcing it to do what we want it to do, all the while being completely unaware of the damage, hurt and pain we are inflicting on it, or of which we are suffering making us treat another person in this unloving way.

We think nothing of yelling at our dog making it obey us; we think nothing of keeping the bird cooped up in a cage; fish in a tank, and we think nothing of allowing our cat to roam far and wide killing everything that takes its fancy.

And we think nothing of keeping all our farm animals to just make money out of them: to keep the cows in field without shelter, a single horse in a paddock without company, a pig enclosed living on concrete, a chicken…

And we don’t understand that we can do these things to other people and creatures, denying them their true self-expression, because we are already doing such things to ourselves, because that is what was done to us. We don’t understand we were treated this way as children and so we believe and feel it’s right to treat others in the same way.

We don’t understand that we can only do to another what was done to us. And if we were made to suffer and then made to feel that this was okay, it being how life is meant to be, then we naturally won’t see or feel anything wrong by making another suffer and be like ourselves.

We don’t feel our pain and hurt because we weren’t allowed to. We were forced to deny it. Our parents broke the Golden Rule making us believe they loved us when they made us feel so bad.

And we don’t understand, feel or truly appreciate that when we do a bad thing to someone else we too are going to suffer for it. Sure if we murder or rape or use another for our own ends guilt will catch up with us sometime, but we still fail to understand that it’s in all those seemingly ‘acceptable’ little daily things we do to ourselves, other creatures and other people – even to those we love – that are wrong and will one day cause us to feel the pain of the wrongdoing.

And we don’t understand because mostly we are too shut off to our bad feelings. If we weren’t and we crossed the line, immediately we would have hurt another in any way – physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, psychically – we’d feel bad, we’d feel the same amount of pain we’d inflicted on them. And so naturally wouldn’t want to keep behaving as we are.

And we still fail to understand that there are natural laws in place governing Creation. That in fact we don’t have to make up any laws ourselves. And that if we were all living true to ourselves as soon as we did something bad to another person or creature we’d know we’d hurt and disrespected them because we too would feel bad, as if the bad thing had been done to us. So life would naturally educate us through our feelings as to what was right and wrong and how to conduct relationships in a loving way.

Life would be so much simpler and we wouldn’t need all our manmade laws, all which are necessary only because and to show us just how removed from our true selves we have become. The more laws we need the further away from our true nature we are getting. And the more untrue we are living, the more shut off from our true feelings we are and so the more pain we inflict on ourselves and on others .

Having masses of laws is not a statement of a civilised society, it’s a statement of in what a bad way we are – how unloving of ourselves and each we are and accept as being ‘right’.

We are only cruel to others and nature because we are cruel to ourselves. And we are only cruel to ourselves because our parents were cruel to us. And our parents were only cruel to us because their parents were cruel to them. And their parents were cruel to them only because their parents were cruel to them. And their parents were cruel…

Why are we anti-children?

We live in a world that is anti-children. However we believe otherwise. Were we to accept such truth about ourselves we’d have to question our ‘civilisation’ – we’d face a crisis. And yet it’s undeniable.

It’s a simple equation and we only need to look at how we treat ourselves and our children to see how we hate both. And how can we not when we’ve all been parented in an unloving way. And yet mostly we pretend otherwise.

You only have to feel how bad it feels to feel rejected as a child, to know that such abuse causes irreparable damage to the psyche and self-esteem of the growing child. And look at how many times a day in the average family when the young child is pushed away, criticised, reprimanded, corrected,punished, yelled at, forced to do what it doesn’t want to do, rejected – made to feel unloved and unwanted by its parents.

We hate children, we hate the child within ourselves as we were hated by our parents.

We pretend we love our children, that they are the most important things in the world to us, and yet look at how unlovingly we treat them. We must be mentally deficient.

To feel rejected by the very people who you need and long to love you is crippling. There is simply nothing worse and we feel like we don’t exist and want to dying. And yet we don’t, we live on having to bury and deny such bad feelings pretending we are loved and feel good.  And we do this because the truth is simply too devastating for us to face as a little child.  We want to feel loved by our parents not hated, and will do all we can to keep this bad feeling reality away as if it is the nasty evil monster trying to take us away from those who love us.  Those who are the true monsters.

Yet look at the quality of life we live. Look how we fall apart as we get older unable to keep up the pretence on a physical level. Look at how dependant we become on an artificial love system – the medical system and all other systems. Look at how impersonal, removed and uncaring of ourselves and each other we are. We can all see it. We just don’t want to admit that it’s the same with our relationship with our own children. After all, it’s adults that cause our unloving relationship with nature and our self-denying world, not children, and yet adults were once children – so what happened to us adults during our forming years to make us become so uncaring?

We live in a world that sets out to ‘break’ the child’s will, to control, dominate and overpower it, all so the child ‘falls’ into line. Then as ‘broken’ people we live our adult lives trying to gain the superficial false power we believe we need to keep us propped up and functional. The more ’successful’ people being able to do it better than the ‘failures’.

But it’s all a game of make-believe, nothing more than fantasy and of little real value and no truth.

How can we honestly love our children when we don’t even honestly love ourselves? We can’t, it doesn’t happen, and no one wants to face it. Because if they do it will bring their whole meaningless, truthless, loveless life into focus, and then what are they going to do?

Yet there does exist another way: the way of truth, the way of coming clean and admitting what your feelings are trying to tell you. Something that happens as you do your Feeling-Healing.

Addicted?

Who caused your addiction?

YOUR PARENTS! No one else. The same people who caused your childhood repression. You’re only doing it to yourself because of how you were treated during your forming years. Any other reasons you might tell yourself as to why you are addicted, will probably only be what they or someone influential during your early life told you.

Why are you addicted?

Because they denied you the love you needed to form with. From conception all the way through your early childhood, you were deprived of the love you needed to grow with. And you still desperately want that love. But it’s not going to come, and this makes you feel very bad. It makes you feel as bad as you felt back then. And the truth of it, you don’t want to face. You don’t want to feel all the bad feelings of being unloved. You don’t want to know that your parents did not love you. So you block them out – at least try to – with your addiction. You do something you believe makes you feel better – gives you the good loving feelings they should have given you.

And what if I know my parents didn’t love me but still I’m addicted?

The same still applies. There is just more truth and more bad feelings of not feeling loved by them waiting for you to see.

How do I heal my addiction?

By doing your Feeling-Healing – healing your childhood repression through the complete unconditional love of yourself; of all the bad feelings you are denying. By uncovering the whole truth of why you are addicted – the whole truth of your relationship with your parents. By allowing yourself to feel all your pain, all your bad feelings resulting from not feeling loved. The pain your trying to run away from, trying to quell, hide and squash out of existence with your addiction.

Will I ever be free of my addiction?

No, not until you have felt and seen the whole truth of it. You may stop doing it, you may feel you don’t need it any longer, but it won’t be completely healed until you uncover the whole truth through your childhood repression healing – then you will know you are free of it. By doing this slowly, you will give yourself through your bad feeling acceptance, the love they didn’t give you – slowly you will love yourself out of your need to be addicted. You will become the kind, caring, considerate, humble, all-loving parent to yourself that your parents should have been to you.

Can I heal my addiction and love my parents at the same time?

Can you love your parents for denying you the love you needed from them?

What about forgiving them for what they have done to me?

What about it? Worry about yourself first. Heal all of your childhood repression and need for your addiction, and then worry about them, if you still feel you want to. Until you put yourself first – your feelings, all the good and BAD ones, nothing will change. You’ll just go around in your mind still refusing to face and deal with the real issues at hand – that they didn’t love you. Until you give up trying to make happy family, it’s not going to happen. You’re fucked, they fucked you, and only you can get yourself out of it. And it’s only going to happen by accepting, honouring, expressing and seeking the truth of your bad feelings. All the rest of the healing processes are dicking around avoiding the real issues. Sure they may help you, they may even ‘heal’ you, but there’s still all the yuk to do with your parents buried deep inside you waiting until one day you decide it’s time to try and face it.

We are all addicted aren’t we?

Yes; to our self-denial, to our negative state, to our childhood repression, as seen by our ongoing denial of our feelings and our refusal to accept the truth of our relationship with our parents.

How I am presenting Childhood Repression and its healing?

The problem of childhood repression exists because we were unlovingly treated by our parents during our forming years. With such negative treatment resulting in our inability to fully and freely express all we feel. We deny many of our bad feelings, having been made to fear them, all of which causes us untold problems. Our childhood repression is simply all the bad feelings we were not allowed to express still trapped – repressed – within us, being held in place by our erroneous beliefs and self denying behaviour.

Much focus is given to a traumatic period or event during childhood that is causing many problems in adult life. And if such an early childhood trauma can be healed, then all the resulting problems will go, allowing one to get on with ones life, unhampered by such trauma. And to achieve this may require years of deep penetrating psychological therapy and counselling, all bringing to light the buried pain and truth of what it was all about.

My approach to dealing with childhood repression is slightly different than just specifically focusing on one major problem or traumatic area. It’s not about just trying to fix certain known, or even unknown – unconscious – problems, so when fixed, one can get on with ones life as one would have been able to had such trauma never occurred.

I’m trying to present a more overall view of the problem. That being – and requiring an acceptance of – the fact that our whole life, all we are, is wrong. It’s all negative, reflected in our ongoing denial of our bad feelings and other aspects of ourselves.

And that even if some parts of our upbringing were good; and even if we felt loved and enjoyed our family life, still, it’s all been lived within a negative mind and will state, so is still self-denying.

And that our whole world and society is an expression of our negative unloving state, which our continual abuse of nature – nature existing for us to conqueror – being the sign that we are living the wrong way.

So within our complete traumatic negative state, certainly some people have suffered very severe specific traumas, and as much as they do require healing, should be kept in context within the overall picture that they are only a ‘localised’ problem.

So to do your Feeling-Healing is to take on the WHOLE of your childhood repression – all that is wrong or imperfect within you. So it involves, not only healing all your major traumas, but also every part of your being that doesn’t express itself properly and truly; every part of you that is self-denying; every incorrect belief and behaviour, all with the aim of ultimately having the perfect relationship with yourself, your partner, nature and God.

It is a COMPLETE healing of ones negative self-denying, self-rejecting mind and will condition. An incredible inner transformation from the negative to the positive – healing ones self from living untrue to living true.

So it’s not just a matter of healing a specific trauma and then getting on with your negative self-denying life feeling much better about yourself; it’s about healing the COMPLETE TRAUMA OF EXISTING IN AN UNLOVING STATE.

It is wanting absolute self-love – the ultimate healing process of self-help.

The trouble with how I am presenting childhood repression is that there is little understanding or appreciation that our whole condition – how are are and how we live our life – is traumatic. Everything we do in our lives is coming from the negative – even if we feel loved and are loving – all sill being subtly conditioned by our self-denial and overall unloving state.

And until we realise the extent of our problem, we won’t understand the extent of our childhood repression.

3. The importance of LONGING for the Truth.

Now while you are accepting yourself as you truly feel and telling your friend all about it, you can desire and long to know why you feel the bad feelings you feel.

Why do you feel bad? The answer – the TRUTH – is within you. And it’s through your feelings (by accepting and expressing them), and desiring and longing for the truth, you can uncover it.

Wanting the truth; wanting to know the truth with all your heart, is what drives your finding it.

You can use your feelings to help you uncover the truth of what you are feeling now in any experience; and you can also use them to take you back within yourself to the truth of your early childhood.

You long and want to know the truth with all your will, whilst you keep talking about and expressing all you feel. These two actions are the key to healing yourself. You don’t have to always do them at the same time, but when you feel to do them. Mostly you concentrate on expressing your bad feelings, then during a pause, natural or contrived, you can long for the truth of them; then continue expressing them.

You never force the truth. You never use your mind to try and make it come. You never use your mind to try and answer the question: why am I feeling these feelings. It will come of it’s own accord when you’ve expressed all you’ve needed to. The truth is the pot of gold at the end of your feeling-rainbow.

In seeking to know the truth of your childhood, when you experience something that makes you feel bad, as you accept and speak about it, the bad feeling may seem to grow and expand making you feel far worse than you first did; this happening as you tap into and access, and start to bring up, your associated hidden repressed feelings. Your bad feeling experience now acts as a trigger to help take you back into your early childhood repressed bad feelings. And to complete your Feeling-Healing, this is what you want to happen, so potentially as all your buried yuk and bad feelings start to rise, you’re going to feel even worse than you did. And as this meant to happen, it shows you’re on the right track.

And here’s where wanting to know why you feel bad comes in. You want to know why you have such hidden and repressed bad feelings.

You want to know, and so long and desire to know with all your being, to find the answer. You long to see the WHOLE TRUTH of ALL you are feeling. And what you see might not be too pleasing, but you just have to keep going.

And it’s not until the truth shows itself, which it will do so long as you stay focused on accepting and expressing your bad feelings, that your healing will be complete. When you see the truth; when you see what your feelings are showing you, then your healing is done. That part of you you are denying, being denied through your feelings, will no longer be rejected. So as you will no longer be rejecting this part of yourself, there will no longer be any reason for you to feel bad. All the bad feelings that have been locked away inside you having finally come out. With the result being that you now know yourself a little more, just how you would and should have done when you were forming.

The whole reason why you are doing your feeling-healing – why you want to heal your childhood repression – is not only to heal yourself of all your pain, but to understand what went on in your relationships with your parents and carers when you were small. What they did to you that caused you such pain and the repression of so many bad feelings. And facing this truth will no doubt bring into question a lot of what you believe your relationship with your parents is about.

1. The importance of ACCEPTING your feelings.

Your feelings are you – you can’t get closer to the real you than through your feelings.

Your feelings are very important. Far more than anything to do with your mind: beliefs, behaviour patterns, thoughts, fantasies, hopes, dreams.

Your feelings are the most important part of you, so why do you deny so many of them? If they are you, why don’t you accept them, allow them to be – feel them? Don’t you want to accept all of yourself?

Monitor yourself through the day if you don’t think you do deny any of your feelings, and see if you can catch yourself pushing them away.

For example: If you feel suddenly angry, what do you do with your anger? Do you allow yourself to be fully angry – as angry as you feel? Or, do you tone it down, resist and fight your own angry feeling? Or, does it depend on the situation and who you are with – or who you are angry at? Do you fear being angry – as angry as you possibly can? Are you scared of what you might do if you just let go? And do you believe it bad to be angry – shouldn’t you always be nice, considerate, all-accepting and able to control such feelings? After all, what will people think of you if you express your anger?

So think again: are you denying any of your feelings?

If you are, why? Why deny yourself any part of yourself? Surely you want to be the full expression of yourself? How can you hope to live a happy and fulfilled life if you are denying any part of yourself?

So why are you denying feelings? And why in particular, bad ones?

So do you see, you live a huge amount of each day constantly denying a lot of what you feel. You stop yourself feeling, and so experiencing the fullness of life. You stop yourself experiencing all you feel, retarding and limiting your self-expression. So how can you maximise your experiences in life, in your relationships, if you can’t FEEL?

And if you live denying and blocking out any of yourself, let alone all those countless bad feelings, what’s it going to do to you? And I’m sure you know what happens if you live denying a part of yourself –  you’re going to get sick, aren’t you? And more than likely at some point you won’t feel good being all blocked up inside with repressed bad feelings.

So if you want to help yourself end your feeling-denial, then you have to accept your feelings. Or at least want to, because it’s not as easy to do as it sounds.

It’s heavily programmed in you to deny your bad feelings. It started as a young child and it’s become second nature to you. And every time you do it you’re reinforcing the negative pattern affirming the belief and behaviour that it’s right for you to do it. But it’s slowly killing you – that’s what self-denial will do. With it’s ultimate goal to deny your existence, to rub you out all together. All being done to yourself by yourself. So it’s not very loving, is it?

True self-love – self-acceptance, begins with accepting how you are. So admitting to yourself you deny many of your bad feelings is where you begin. This is you admitting you live in self and feeling-denial. And it’s okay, you’re not going to get punished – you’re already punishing yourself enough.

So your Feeling-Healing begins by admitting, accepting and honouring the fact that you don’t like, nor want, a lot of your bad feelings, and trying to see how you deny and push them aside.

This is all the first step of bad-feeling denial acceptance. The first step of understanding about a major part of your relationship with yourself – how you and some of your feelings don’t get along.

And in accepting this, then what do you do? You speak up about them – you express them; you bring them up and out of you – ALL you feel.

What causes childhood repression?

From what I understand it’s the forced suppression and denial of yourself as you are growing and coming into being. If you are not allowed to be your true self, and prevented from expressing your anger at this and all the other bad feelings you may feel, then not only does your true self not come into being, but also all those other bad feelings remain within you.

The actual personality dynamics of how we come into being are very complex, and I wouldn’t begin to say I understand any more than some generalised concepts and theory. All I’ve to go on is how I’ve felt as I’ve worked my way back into my early years bringing up all the bad feelings that have been locked away inside me. Yet, as I’ve liberated these feelings seeing the truth of why I am in this state – what happened to me back then, I’ve become increasingly aware that I am changing, becoming more real and true. And how I know this is I feel it. I can’t explain it in any other way. I just know I am more of the true me, and I like what I feel about myself. And I become aware of how more of the false, unreal and affected me has gone. I no longer need to behave how I did, to maintain the false me I was forced to contrive as I grew up, in place of the real me.

As to what practically causes our childhood repression, I would say it’s our parents and ‘loved ones’ negative intentions we are subjected to. If they are unloving and untrue, themselves being false, then we suffer, with the greater suffering causing what are known to be traumas.

To have a stronger will force itself over you, not allowing you to be how you want to be, is very damaging, especially when you are only a newly forming and growing will. It is something akin to ‘breaking in a horse’, ‘bending’ its will to suit yours. It still has a will but you’ve forced it to only do your will, to behave how you want it to, effectively causing it to relinquish its own true will, making it into a ‘false’ creature, no longer a ‘real’ horse in the truest sense – no longer free, but a creation of yours. And we do the same to children to a greater or lesser degree. Then once the patterns have been formed, you being none the wiser, unknowing that you are not the real and true you, use your will to obey the patterns your parents imposed on you. And as you grow up you delude yourself that you are in control of yourself and your life believing you know what is right for you, but it’s not true, it’s all only how your parents have made and conditioned you to believe.

And you carry on denying yourself all your bad feelings, all your protesting anger and the misery and pain of being untrue; lying to yourself you are okay, when you are still, deep within you, traumatised and suffering.

So to unwind and heal all of this, you can begin by stopping the denial of your bad feelings. And as you allow them to be, you are beginning to allow the true you – unloved, unwanted, rejected-by-you and your parents, to be. And so up comes all the repressed pain along with all the other bad feelings.

And as this happens it is vital to express all your bad feelings, to speak about them and re-feel them without trying to deny them. And then to long for the truth of them. For you need to see the truth of their underlying patterns, because when you do it means you are right down in your original will formation and subsequent denial of it, able to now use your healing will to let go of all that you are doing to stop the full expression of yourself; to choose to live your way and not the way of your parents.

And in the moment of this choice, and often you can feel and perceive it, you know you are no longer this untrue, false you in this aspect of your personality. And this part of your childhood repression healing is done.

If you don’t long and seek the truth, you can express your bad feelings all day long, yet nothing will happen other than letting off steam. You may in the short term feel a little better, feeling like you have some power, but you won’t be taken down inside yourself.

The real cause of your childhood repression is your parents and other carers, and to face this truth can be very confronting and difficult, potentially destroying any so-called ‘loving’ relationship you might have with them. But then again, how loving can it be when they have caused you such terrible problems, traumatising you at the time in your life when you needed their love the most?

If you sincerely want to become the true you – to find out what that is; to heal yourself of all your falseness, show and imperfection; to fix all that is wrong within you, then you are going to have to face the truth of your relationship with your parents – there is no other way. And when you feel how badly they’ve treated you, fucking you up, you are not going to be happy with them.

If you value your ‘good’, ‘nice’, ‘loving’ relationship with your parents and family, above that of yourself, then you are not going to be able to heal your childhood repression. If you are prepared to rip everything apart, if that is what is what is required to save yourself and become the real and true you, then you will succeed in healing your childhood repression. It may take a long time, but you will get there.

And perhaps if your parents and family were to also do their childhood repression healing, then when it’s all over with everyone living true, you might be able to be friends and love one another. But until then, you have to be prepared to do the opposite.

Your parents didn’t set out to cause you to suppress and then repress parts of yourself and cause all the associated bad feelings, but by default they have. And so they are to blame. And blame and accuse them you will throughout your healing. You ‘do’ whatever your bad feelings feel to do, expressing and acting them out, more often than actually carrying them out, all to uncover the truth of why you feel them.

To find the truth of yourself is a huge task. You have to know why and what effect your parents had on you, good and bad, on every part of your early forming life – from conception through to becoming a young adult. And during that time you went through a lot that didn’t make you feel good, that forced you to deny parts of yourself, and you felt a lot of bad feelings you couldn’t tell anyone about. But now you can. And it will take time as you change and adjust to letting go of the false untrue you, while embracing the new real you. It takes time to live all the necessary experiences you’ll need to have to make you feel bad, so you can bring up your bad feelings.

And by the end of it you’ll know a lot about yourself and your relationships with your parents, all of which you will actually feel very grateful for, even though it was hell.

Feeling-healing my childhood repression

Feeling-Healing is the name I call my childhood repression healing as it’s based solely on feelings.

It simply involves trying to become aware of when I am feeling bad. Then speaking about – expressing – my bad feelings. And as I speak about them to Marion I long for the truth of them – I want to know why I am feeling them. And I keep speaking about them as I feel the need to, with the truth coming of its own accord when I am ready to see it.

The whole idea is to speak about all the feelings, which ordinarily, because of my early childhood programming, I would deny. And as I don’t know which ones these are, then I just try and speak about them all. I also express my good feelings, but as they are mostly something I am not denying, I put more time, energy and concentration into focusing on my bad ones, as they are the ones I don’t want to feel.

My intention and desire is to find the truth of myself, that which I’ve come to understand comes as a result of liberating my repressed childhood feelings.

Over the thirteen years I have now been working on myself doing my feeling-healing, I have released so many repressed feelings from early childhood that there is no doubt in my mind that I was made to deny and not allowed to express myself as I was growing up. And now through my feeling-healing I am able to, in a fashion, ‘go back’, and do it now, this being done as I speak about my bad feelings.

Through my healing I have realised that I am my greatest obstacle to uncovering the truth of myself. I am blocking my feeling expression – my self-expression – in many ways. I was made to believe and behave in ways that stopped me from being my true self, stopped me from expressing myself freely, resulting in what I call my childhood repression.

So I want to heal myself of all my repressed childhood feelings becoming a fully and freely self-expressive person, one that is not suffering from all the blocks, inhibitions, wrong beliefs, and self-denying behaviour that I am.

And as simple as it might sound to just speak about bad feelings whilst longing for the truth of them, when you actually have to start trying to admit to, and then speak about all those bad feelings you are denying, it becomes very challenging. And when you come to understand just how many bad feelings you are denying, being mostly unaware of your feeling-denial, it’s daunting. And as you start to uncover the truth of what really when on between you and your parents when you were little, it is terrible difficult, as it makes you confront all that you are.

What I have also found through my feeling-healing is that there are layers to my childhood repression and then layers within those layers, and the further I go into myself the more complex my repression becomes, and yet I am further able to understand it all. It all reflecting the intricacies of my relationships with my parents and family. I had no idea that relationships were so complicated and feel like I’ve been put through my own personal psychology course.

All I am presenting on this blog and on my websites is what I have discovered for myself. Other than reading Alice Miller’s books on childhood trauma and repression, which I did early on in my healing, I have had little interest or exposure to mainstream psychology. I am only presenting my own thoughts, experiences and conclusions. And, as to whether all I am presenting can be readily applied to another person – as to whether or not other people will be able to do their childhood repression healing through their feeling-healing, should they want to, I don’t know. I feel it can be done, but that waits to be seen.