Childhood repression, religion and spirituality

All of the existing religions from East to West and spiritual systems New and Old Age based on prayer or meditation have been formed and evolved within our negative mind and will state, even if they have come into being from so-called divine revelation. So if you are involved in them, all they will help you achieve is still only within your feeling- and self-denying state. It can’t be otherwise.

And if you look at them closely you can see how all they do is help you feel better, however to feel better at the expense of your bad feelings. They all help you to further deny your bad feelings. They help you to further suppress and keep repressed all your pain and suffering, all that you experienced from your early childhood and so are still experiencing. And there’s no getting away from it.

No spiritual or religious system of the negative will help you free yourself of all evil, sin and error – it can’t. It’s of the negative, it’s not outside of and separate from it, and neither are you. And no amount of prayer or meditation, no matter what you are led to believe or want to believe, will heal you. And all that you will call ‘healing’ and feeling better about yourself and your life will be yet more self-delusion.

The worlds spiritual and religious systems are some of our most deluded systems of belief, all because they purport to enable you to become separate from all that is bad, wrong and evil. By joining them and doing as they say, you are then good, true and right, and all those who refuse to join and adhere to the ‘holy doctrine’ are evil, wrong and bad. But this is only something to give power to powerless feeling minds, as it’s all delusion. And how can it be anything other than mere fantasy when it’s all still only taking place within the negative, within all that is wrong, false and untrue!

If there were a spiritual or religious system that could truly help you it would focus on helping you to understand the state of your negative mind and will entrapment, and it would help you to heal your childhood repression through bad feeling acceptance, rather than helping you perpetuate bad feeling avoidance and denial.

The only true way to free and liberate your spirit, and to live true to yourself, nature and God, is to do your feeling- or soul-healing through the ongoing willing self-acceptance of your bad feelings – all those you are persisting in denying – together with the expression of all the bad feelings you are feeling as you long for and find the truth of them. And were you to follow this practice of self-help, self-love and self-acceptance, then it will lead you out of your negative mind and will condition and into a positive one.

And does such a spiritual or religious system exist?

Of course it does, as there has to be a way out of our negative state as there was a way into it.

And one such newly revealed spiritual and religious system is Divine Love Spirituality.

We spend zillions of dollars on trying to feel better

It’s mad really. All we do is done to keep us away from our bad feelings. That is the extent of our so-called ‘civilised progress’.

It’s said we live on an insane world, and it’s true. If we weren’t mad with our pain, suffering and bad feelings, we’ve have no need to do all that we do.

Look at your own life. The sad truth is: all you are doing in it is to escape from your bad feelings. And can you say it’s not? Can you say you do all you do to welcome and accept your bad feelings?

And who wants to feel bad – no one. No one in their right mind would want to feel bad, and yet we all feel bad, even if we are so far gone we won’t allow ourselves to acknowledge it.

But we all feel bad, somewhere inside us, we all do. And we really do, it’s true, as shown by our childhood repression. Childhood repressed feelings make us feel bad. Our childhood repression is bad. It’s not a nice loving thing, however it of itself is neither good or bad, the bad being what was done to us to bring it about within us.

Currently on the material level of dollars, the economy is dying. We’re having to keep up the fantasy for all it’s worth. We can’t just allow it to keel over and be what it is – nothing. We’ve made it all up, it’s all unreal. So many people live beyond their means believing they can be happy living with debt, believing they can escape from the pain of their bad feelings by having things they can’t afford.

We by a house with money we don’t have, but we hope we’ll have in future. It’s always the future, life will always be better in future, but why will it – why should it? We’ve only been led to believe this because when we were little we looked to the future to feel better. Our current ‘now’ moment with our parents made us feel bad, so it was always the future that was going to be better. And often it was our parents who said so.

So in no way we can just accept and live with the amount of real physical dollars we have, living within our means, because for most of us that would mean we wouldn’t have anything. And we can’t bear this thought. Because to have nothing means you don’t feel loved – or so we’ve been wrongly made to believe. You didn’t have anything with your parents making you feel unloved bring about your childhood repression, so now you must have material things to fill up this cavernous hole of despair – of feeling so alone, unwanted, unloved and uncared about.

But one day the house of cards will come crashing down. And this as we are seeing might be the beginning of that day. And if it does and the economy goes to shit, then what happens, how will we all survive?

And what will happen, something we can all count on – is PAIN. Yet what is this pain? And as much as it might be the pain of all the fear suddenly assailing you, really it is the pain, the buried pain, surfacing from your early childhood. It is the pain of feeling so unloved by your parents being manifest all about you by your failing life. The pain you’ve been refusing to face. The pain your greed and desperation by living in debt, living without anything real, living a false and fantasy life, is forcing you to feel. The very same pain of living a false and fantasy life of ‘love’ with your parents.

And is there an escape – a real way out? And what happens if once the flimsy house has completely come done with no hope of re-building, not for a very long time, then what?

There are two things you can do. One: struggle on the best you can, as mostly you have done over previous cyclic downturns, steadfastly trying to deny all your bad feelings – just as you have always done; and the other, is to go the other way, stop and begin to face the truth: that you feel bad. To accept, express and uncover the truth of all your bad feelings. To begin to acknowledge and accept your pain. To heal yourself of your self-defeating bad-feeling-denying life – to heal your childhood repression.

You’ve got to be a parent!

Why?

You’ve got to have kids.

Why?

Your life will feel incomplete if you don’t have kids.

Why?

You don’t know what you’re missing out on.

Really?

Everyone has children, it’s what you do.

Apparently.

It’s the great love, the love you get from your children and the love you give to them – that’s what it’s all about.

Is it?

But if you don’t have children you won’t feel fulfilled, you won’t have any purpose in life.

Oh well.

You can’t not have children – everyone does it.

So it would seem.

And if you don’t have children everything would end.

Great!

There’s something wrong with you if you don’t have children.

Hmm.

Why aren’t you having children!?

Because I want no part of the fantasy, that called – BEING A LOVING PARENT.

Why would you want to be a therapist?

Because it’s a way you can gain power.

Everything we do in our negative orientated mind and will lives is to gain power, an attempt to re-gain the power our parents deprived us of naturally feeling and expressing as we grew up.

Our parenting is mostly all negative, yet we call it loving. So much of it had a negative unloving effect on us as seen by our having repressed childhood feelings – our childhood repression. And yet we call it all love.

In our unloving states as we grew up we felt powerless many times. Just look at how parents treat their children – does the child have equal power with the adult? No, the whole thing about being a child, so we seem to believe, is that the child is inferior and can’t nor shouldn’t have equal power. And so by treating our children this way we make them feel powerless, we’re always de-powering them, always pulling the rug out from under them. We might try and pump them up in other ways, trying to make them feel all-powerful and loved, but it’s all too late, and all on a condition of previous powerlessness.

And as children we don’t want to feel powerless. We do all we can to gain power within our family, some people being more successful at it than others. Yet it’s still all ONLY a subset of our parents all-powerful dominion.

And so all we do as adults is done to try and maintain our false-power within our powerless states, within our negative condition. And so those people who feel they can help others by being a therapist really see being a therapist as their means of having power, of trying to make up some of their childhood power deficit. And it’s acceptable. Being a therapist is ‘good’, so we all say, it’s a good way to try and re-gain power. Whereas being a murder is bad, that is unacceptable and not the ‘right’ way to re-gain power. And the therapist is held in high esteem, they can actually help others to shed some of their feelings of powerlessness possibly helping or enabling them to find new ways of re-gaining some of their lost and denied power.

So is it good to seek to gain power by using others to do so? Or is it that we’re happy, or at least pretend we are happy, with the trade off. We allow the therapist to use us because we believe and feel we are getting something out of it, something that will eventually and hopefully make us feel more powerful and better about ourselves? And so, is it right that therapists say you must not attempt to do your childhood repression healing without their help, and if you do… look out, all manner of bad things might happen to you.

And yet don’t misunderstand me, I only want to point out the truth of such things as I have come to see them. And I also understand that within our fuckedness we do need help, and help from those who may be using us to gain power. But that’s how it is within the negative – it can’t be any other way. But in time as you progress in your feeling-healing, the truth will come and along with it your own feelings of power – true power. And so your need to be dependant on such help from anyone else will diminish, to one day, end, the day when your childhood repression healing is over and you no longer feel powerless and under the regime of your parents. And what a great day that will be!

The bottom – feeling – line, and love.

I’m writing for the bottom line. I firmly believe that we’re all living in a negative state of mind and will that we have been made to deny – deny all the bad feelings it makes us feel – resulting in our childhood repression.

When I say we all hate each other, that no one is loved by their family or parents; that no one truly loves their family or parents; that no one feels loved and is loving, I am speaking about how you feel when you are in the throws of your deep repressed bad feelings coming up as you seek to accept, express and uncover the truth of them. When you feel so bad, these statements become true – you feel them.

However when you’re not feeling so bad you might not feel such things so deeply, truly or excruciatingly painfully. You might feel love, for yourself, others, your parents and your family. You might not hate them or anyone. You might not even hate yourself. And you may even feel relatively okay about yourself and your life. And you may feel that all I say is too extreme and doesn’t really apply to you, that I’m way too far off track and full of shit.

But then when you’re plunged back down into your unloving bad feeling self-denying state, you might find you start to agree with me again. And this is how it may progress through your feeling-healing.

And you may, and I would think you should, wrestle intensely with the notion of love: what is it, am I loved, do I feel loved, do I love? And you might struggle with this all the way through your healing. I know I have and I still am.

But overall, no matter what you see and feel the truth of yourself to be, until you’ve finished ALL of your healing, still some part of you will be existing in an unloving self-denying self-rejecting negative state. And so when you are back in this part of yourself, even if it’s very small, you’ll feel the worst of the worst. And for this state, when you are right in it, right in the worst of your bad feelings, I am writing to you. I want to try and share and appeal to you on this bottom line state as that is where your pain is, and really, that is all that matters. If you feel better and loved and even loving in other parts of yourself, well, they can take care of themselves. You can express them as you feel them. But it’s the really deep ugly stuff you don’t want to feel or accept about yourself that you will need some sort of help with, and that’s what I want to do. To say to you, yes, in my small way, possibly I know something of how you’re feeling. To be possibly something of a small friend in your time of need, during your worst feelings about yourself. To be able to say to you: I understand.

So that’s why I’m trying to go for it, to not hold back, to not try and soften the blow. To push the truth up into your face. I don’t want to try and sweet talk it to you, saying: oh you do love yourself and your family and parents and they do love you, you did have some good times together. And so you may feel (within the context of the negative) loved by them and do love them, but still the fact remains that somewhere within you you’ll still be feeling bad, and it’s this pain that needs attention from you, needing to be brought out. And it’s in that pain I hope to meet you. I can’t be there in person but perhaps I can in ’spirit’, empathising with you and all you are suffering. I can’t of course know exactly what you are feeling or how bad you do feel in your suffering and misery, but I do know how bad I’ve felt in mine.

And it’s all because it is all about your negative state, and until that’s all healed, so what if you feel loved, when some part of you is feeling rejected, unwanted, unhappy and unloved. It’s the bad stuff we all want to get rid of.

So do we feel loved or not? And that is something you will have to work out for yourself through your healing. I have worked it out for myself but I am not you. I am only writing about me – how I see and feel about things. As to whether you’ll end up agreeing with me I can’t say. And it’s not for me to say.

And within our negative states, yes of course we feel ‘loved’. I loved my little cat and she made me feel loved. I love Marion and she makes me feel loved. And on my good days I feel good – even really good. And I feel loved and loving. However, I still know that whilst I have repressed childhood yuk within me, it’s still all within this context, and so is only relative to all I have experienced so far in my negative life. So all I call my feelings of love are still being conditioned and tainted by my self- and feeling-denial state. As to what love might feel like when I am fully healed, I have no idea. I can’t even begin to speculate on it. However, I do look forward to seeing what it’s like – what it feels like.

But what if your partner doesn’t want to be your true friend?

What if you want to do your childhood repression healing, by speaking about all your bad feelings so you can uncover the truth of them, but your partner doesn’t want to listen to all your yuk? What do you do? What can you do?

What do you do when you feel really bad and they are not there for you? Not there for you to tell them how bad you feel? What do you do when they say, yes tell me, but no sooner than you’ve started and they are trying to stop you speaking about your bad feelings, trying to shut you up, or tell you that there is something wrong with you for feeling that way?

What do you do when you agreed to listen to each other, but he or she doesn’t speak about his or her bad feelings whereas it’s all you want to do?

It’s terrible having to be faced with the reality that you are not friends, not truly there for each other, not willing to listen to each others bad feelings. It’s not good having to face the fact that if your partner doesn’t want to listen to you, and share his or her bad feelings, then what are you doing together? And what if this realisation starts to come and you have little children, a mortgage on the house and grandparents that would be heartbroken if suddenly they couldn’t see the children?

What do you do as the hopelessness of your relationship dawns on you? The honeymoon period definitely a long all but forgotten memory, the day to day drudge almost to much to bear.

And all you can do is speak – talk about all your bad feelings. All your worries, fears, anger, doubts, concerns, problems, talk about all the bad stuff.

Talk about it all with your partner (the best you can), with other friends, a therapist, with God, but talk about it all wanting to uncover the truth of why you are in this situation, why is it happening to you. And how does it all relate to your early childhood and your relationship with your parents and carers. You don’t have to immediately leave your partner, as you can use the opportunity to uncover the truth of why you are feeling all you are feeling – what is it all about. Your relationship is making you feel bad, so there you have a good source of continual bad feelings to speak about and express and to long for the truth of.

And if your partner does want to listen to you, but can’t because of all the blocks in them from their early childhood, then this is where they can start by speaking about all their bad feelings – about not being able to do it but wanting to. They have to understand the value and reason for speaking about how bad they feel – all their worries, fears, doubts, anger, frustration, and even if it’s bad things about each other, it all has to come up and out.

And speaking about all you feel can only have a good effect on your relationship. It will either show you that there is some hope bringing you both closer, or it will show you there isn’t any, and as hard as it might be, separation must occur. But to not speak about it, you’ll never know, with it all going around and around, pent up inside you, slowly driving you mad and making you sick. With it all having desire adverse unloving affects upon your children if you have them.

Our loving families

Consider this: as we are all conceived into a negative self-denying state, we’re all full of childhood repression.

If you don’t believe or feel you have repressed childhood feelings within you, I understand, because before I started to do my feeling-healing I didn’t think I had any in me either.

Now, hands up who would say they come from a loving family? Hands up who don’t feel their family was loving? And you’d probably suspect the show of hands would be in the majority – possibly overwhelming – with most people showing they had and have a loving family. And those people would feel good about their family – right? Of course they would or they wouldn’t have put their hands up – would they?

Okay, so back to the beginning. You have repressed childhood feelings within you. You feel bad in some way, you don’t feel your life is what you want it to be, possibly you have some trauma from your early childhood you’re working on. But still you put your hand up to say you have a loving family.

But don’t you think something is wrong here? Doesn’t it seem strange that you say you have or had a loving family and yet you don’t feel good – that you are full of repressed bad childhood feelings? And that you are denying so many bad feelings all because you are afraid of the truth you might see about the relationships you had in your early life if you allowed yourself to feel them. And what is this truth you are so afraid of? What really is going on deeper within you? So let me ask you, seriously, what was or is so good about your family?

Do you see, do you get it? You CAN’T have had a good loving family experience, at least not as you want to believe it was. If you did you wouldn’t be full of childhood repression. You are living in a fantasy about your family. Your family IS THE DIRECT CAUSE AND ONLY CAUSE OF YOUR CHILDHOOD REPRESSIOIN. It, your parents, and possibly other members in your family, fucked you up. The mess you are in, why you feel so bad, is because of them – BECAUSE OF YOUR FAMILY!

So let’s have another show of hands. Who now feels they have or had a loving family? Can you feel the anguish in you? You want to say yes, but you now know it’s not what you thought it to be. It’s really a NO. But it’s a hard struggle to accept it. You don’t want to accept it. You don’t want to face the truth of it. And hey, that’s okay. Nothing bad is going to happen to you if you don’t, the bad has ALREADY happened to you – IT HAPPENED WITHIN YOUR OWN FAMILY.

We hold up and cherish the family more than any other institution. If the family fails, then it’s all over, we’re fucked, we may as well hand in our shoes and socks and piss off never to return again. What is the point if the family is bad? What can you have in life if you don’t have a sound and secure loving family, a place you can go back to when all else fails? What are you faced with when your one and only safe haven is shown up to be evil, the very horror you fear so much, the very torture chamber you grew up in?

And it is. That’s the sickening truth. The FAMILY is rotten to the core. It is the source of all your problems – all our problems. We uphold all the great family values, such as: not loving each other truly; stopping the child express itself freely; filling us full of childhood repression; believing we’d rather die for our family than say a bad word against it; pretending we feel loved when deeper within us the truth is we don’t feel loved – or not at least as how we needed to feel; ensuring it’s all not what it seems – keeping up the front and maintaining the show.

We go on protecting our parents like faithful morons, protecting the very people who’ve fucked us up. It was not their fault, we say and convince ourselves, our parents loved us and were faultless; it was our fault – the child is always to blame! We shouldn’t have behaved as badly as we did. We are to blame, we gave them too much of a hard time. We EXCUSE THEM. We excuse the family. And we go on pretending in the world we’re all one big happy family, but we’re not. The truth is we all hate each other, just as we all hated each other in our family.

But to come clean is a tough call. Who wants to smash their false loving beliefs about their family apart? Who wants to turn their back on the very EVIL ONES that have caused their childhood repression?

Yet that is what you face if you seriously want to heal all of your negative self-denial unloving state of mind and will. That’s what you’re going to have to do if you seriously want to heal all of your childhood repression.

30 minutes of what – love or hatred… or something in between?

There’s four in the family. Mum, dad and two boys – one three the other a toddler. They’ve come to fish in the enclosed fishing park. Dad and mum delight in the thrill of easily catching the rainbow trout whilst the toddler remains strapped in his pusher and the three year old plays in the enclosed sand pit. Mum and dad are at the waters edge with the toddler behind them. I am standing watching and helping with the caught fish.

The toddler has a dummy in his mouth. He struggles to get out of his pusher, no one other me is aware of his struggles. He’s desperately straining himself to get free, but he doesn’t make a sound. He gives up, something has caught his attention – his mother’s voice at the fun of catching a fish.

The fish is dealt with and for the parents it’s back to fishing. The toddler struggles to free himself again. He makes a noise. His mother turns around and tickles his tummy. He squirms and giggles, she turns back to the fishing. Their other little boy is looking at them through the perspex door and has been doing so wanting to get out of the play area for some time. He doesn’t call out. His parents are too involved having their fun, he gives up and goes back to playing in the sand.

The toddler has thrown his dummy on the ground. His parents whilst waiting from me to attend to the next fish notice it, it’s sucked clean and returned to its rightful place. He seems happy with this stopping his struggles.

The young boy is again longing to come out. His father sees him, walks over and lets him out. He runs past his brother and over to a long line of small fishing rods used in the pond. His mother hurries after him, sees he’s about to start touching the rods and reels, grabs him lifting him away and convinces him that that best place from him to be is back in the sand pit. He seems okay about this idea. The fishing recommences.

The final fish is caught, the three year old is let out of the play area and off they go. The two parents are very happy about the very enjoyable time they had – mum even caught a fish! When usually she never catches anything.

Are they are a happy loving family? Do they all love each other? Do the parents love their children? This is what I want to portray in this blog. Superficially I would say yes. No one cried, they all had ‘fun’, so the parents declared, and the children mostly behaved themselves and did what they were told. And I’m sure the parents if asked would say yes they love their children – a BIG YES! And they would also probably say that yes their children are happy. They are happy, happy with each other and happy with their family and how everything is going. And if one were to ask the children if they are happy, would they too say yes?

So is this just a normal regular loving happy family?

Where I asked before I started my childhood repression healing I’d probably say yes, why not, everything seemed okay with everyone seemingly enjoying themselves. There were no fights, the parents seemed kind and caring, they didn’t chastise, humiliate, criticise, shit on their children like some other parents who come to the pond do. So yes, it all seems good, not great as the children weren’t included, but they were too young and it was probably better that they weren’t free to wander around being a nuisance nor get themselves into any trouble.

But now where I to ask myself the same question, it’s the things I didn’t notice or weren’t aware of before I started my childhood repression healing that greatly disturb me. Now I empathise with how terrible it feels being confined to your pusher unable to be free to wander where you like. Strapped in, all but caged in, without anyone – your parents – wanting to fully include you in their lives. The horror of only being a part person in your own family. A person that is coming into being but is forced to play a role as defined by being ‘acceptable’ by your mother and father. And so long as you play that role everything seems okay, but the truth is you feel unwanted, rejected – hated. Your own so-called loving parents don’t want to bother with you toddling all over the place. They have come to have their own fun all under the guise that it will be a fun thing for everyone to do, and yet you’re not included. They don’t care about you, not really care about you and your well-being, for if they did, then you would be the centre of their lives and everything would revolve around you, fishing or no fishing.  They wouldn’t be turning their backs on you and getting on with having their fun.

And where you truly loved you wouldn’t be pushed off to the play area there to stay until your parents have had their fun. And when you came out you would be allowed under their watchful and caring guidance to explore the pond area, to look at all the rods and reels, to touch and play with them. No one else was at the pond, and you can’t accidentally fall in. The parent can stop the child from damaging the rods and reels not that this three year old would do any damage, he wasn’t like that. But no, he couldn’t be free to move around enjoying his new world together with his parents and his little brother, his life isn’t about himself, it’s about his parents, he just has to fit in with them. And how does it feel to just have to fit in with your parents? It feels awful. It all feels awful, and you feel very, very bad, right to the core of your being when you’re not allowed to be as you want to be.

So I look and feel-remember how the same sorts of things were done to me. Done to me by my ‘loving’ parents, ignorant people who are that way all because they too were treated that way, all being made to shut off the real and true person, to stop being able to fully and freely express all the feelings they have. The parents are still shut away in their little play pen worlds, now including the fishing pond. And being so do the same to their own children shutting them away in their own little false worlds.

So as I look deeper I wonder where is this so-called love? And what really is it? And all I can come up with is that it’s not love, or if it is then it’s something of a superficial, even artificial and belief generated love, but it’s not true or pure because it’s all based around denying personality expression.

So all I can conclude is that this contrived love is the best these little children will get. It’s the best their parents got. It’s the best I got. It’s the best anyone got or gets, even though it might appear some people got or get more of it than others.

So is it love or is it something else – hate perhaps? Or is hate too harsh a word? But what is the opposite to love? Or maybe it’s something in the middle, a sort of friendship – being together, sharing life together to some degree, even if it is in a self-denying negative state of mind and will. Or is it as my mother often said: ‘It’s just your lot, so get on with it, don’t worry about it, of course it’s love, of course I love you – I’m your mother!’.

We are not aware or in touch with our true feelings. We’ve never been allowed to have and express them. We’ve had to deny this part of ourselves. And what we’ve been left with we have learnt to call love, being loving, living in a happy loving family. But how much is real and how much is false? And how can we tell when we’re not aware or allowed to be aware of what we really feel and what we did feel during our forming years?

We live denying our true selves, and so deny our children their true selves. And we call this way of life ‘loving each other’. And this is what we have to become aware of, at least those of us who want to live true and come back to their true self.

I present such posts not as a judgement and criticism of us or of these specific individuals at the fishing pond – we’re all in the same boat and we’re all fucked, only in different ways – but to make it be known. To make it be said. It has to be said, it has to be brought out before it can be accepted, spoken about, and then dealt with – the truth seen. And it’s the cause and at the root of all our problems, of every bad feeling we have, and mostly we just accept this is right, normal, generally ‘good parenting’. And because we don’t want to do anything about our bad feelings so far as uncovering the truth of why we feel them, we mostly do as my mother advised and just GET ON WITH IT, wrongly believing there is nothing we can do.

And it’s all so sad, and it IS all so wrong, and there IS something we can do about it.

Why are we anti-children?

We live in a world that is anti-children. However we believe otherwise. Were we to accept such truth about ourselves we’d have to question our ‘civilisation’ – we’d face a crisis. And yet it’s undeniable.

It’s a simple equation and we only need to look at how we treat ourselves and our children to see how we hate both. And how can we not when we’ve all been parented in an unloving way. And yet mostly we pretend otherwise.

You only have to feel how bad it feels to feel rejected as a child, to know that such abuse causes irreparable damage to the psyche and self-esteem of the growing child. And look at how many times a day in the average family when the young child is pushed away, criticised, reprimanded, corrected,punished, yelled at, forced to do what it doesn’t want to do, rejected – made to feel unloved and unwanted by its parents.

We hate children, we hate the child within ourselves as we were hated by our parents.

We pretend we love our children, that they are the most important things in the world to us, and yet look at how unlovingly we treat them. We must be mentally deficient.

To feel rejected by the very people who you need and long to love you is crippling. There is simply nothing worse and we feel like we don’t exist and want to dying. And yet we don’t, we live on having to bury and deny such bad feelings pretending we are loved and feel good.  And we do this because the truth is simply too devastating for us to face as a little child.  We want to feel loved by our parents not hated, and will do all we can to keep this bad feeling reality away as if it is the nasty evil monster trying to take us away from those who love us.  Those who are the true monsters.

Yet look at the quality of life we live. Look how we fall apart as we get older unable to keep up the pretence on a physical level. Look at how dependant we become on an artificial love system – the medical system and all other systems. Look at how impersonal, removed and uncaring of ourselves and each other we are. We can all see it. We just don’t want to admit that it’s the same with our relationship with our own children. After all, it’s adults that cause our unloving relationship with nature and our self-denying world, not children, and yet adults were once children – so what happened to us adults during our forming years to make us become so uncaring?

We live in a world that sets out to ‘break’ the child’s will, to control, dominate and overpower it, all so the child ‘falls’ into line. Then as ‘broken’ people we live our adult lives trying to gain the superficial false power we believe we need to keep us propped up and functional. The more ’successful’ people being able to do it better than the ‘failures’.

But it’s all a game of make-believe, nothing more than fantasy and of little real value and no truth.

How can we honestly love our children when we don’t even honestly love ourselves? We can’t, it doesn’t happen, and no one wants to face it. Because if they do it will bring their whole meaningless, truthless, loveless life into focus, and then what are they going to do?

Yet there does exist another way: the way of truth, the way of coming clean and admitting what your feelings are trying to tell you. Something that happens as you do your Feeling-Healing.

Completely healing your childhood trauma – any trauma

It’s the same for any trauma – there is only one way to heal it, and that’s to speak about all it makes you feel.

There isn’t much else you can do once the physical healing has been done other than speak about all your bad feelings. With any trauma, the greatest part is the emotional, mental, spiritual and psychic (etheric) pain one experiences, that which can remain forever if nothing is done about it. And what can you do? Speak about it, about all you’re feeling about it. And keep on speaking about it until there is simply no more to speak about. Something which can possibly take years to do.  If you don’t speak about it, it will fester away inside you until such pain builds forcing you to one day break and speak about it.

So you decide that the only way you’re going to heal all you’ve suffered is to speak about every bad feeling that comes up to do with it. And so naturally you’ll need someone to speak to – a friend. And a willing friend, someone who wants to hear about all your suffering. But what do you do when you don’t have such a person in your life? All you can do it want such a person, and think and feel and in some way try to express all you feel about it, about not having such a person. And one day I’d like to imagine there will be volunteer ‘friends’, people willing and wanting to listen. But in the meantime, I guess you’ll just have to do the best you can, using professional counsellors and therapists if you afford them. And although writing about all you feel is a poor alternative, I find it a great help in allowing me to accept all I feel and not push the bad feelings aside so easily. But at some stage, you’ve got to speak about all you feel.

You need a lot of help, and it’s going to take a long time, and there will be lots to speak about. A hell of a lot. And if your traumas are from your early childhood, then there will be a huge amount of hidden repressed bad feelings all of which will have to come out if you want to heal it all.

But where do you begin, as you can’t just say, right, today I will speak about my early childhood trauma and how bad I feel about it all, and there it all is, all the bad feelings ready and waiting for you to start talking about them. But there will be some bad feelings associated with it, so this is where you begin, you start talking about them.

And you start talking about them in a meaningful way. You speak about seriously wanting to find out and understand all about your pain: why you are suffering, why it was done to you, and how it all came about. You talk about it desiring – longing – to know ALL about it – the whole TRUTH of it.

So you now have a purpose to speak about your pain and bad feelings. You have a goal, something to aim for: the truth of what happened to you. It’s not enough to just say, I want to talk about it so I can heal it. The uncovering of and finding out about the truth of it all IS the healing.

The healing is done, and the pain will leave you, ONLY WHEN YOU FIND THE TRUTH OF WHAT IS CAUSING THE PAIN.

And to find the truth you will need to speak about every little aspect of it. And to do this you will have to pay attention to all your bad feelings and speak about them all as you feel them.

Your bad feelings are your way into the truth – into the TRUTH OF YOURSELF.

And to want to uncover the truth of yourself means you might have to face some tough, ugly, stuff about yourself and your relationship with your parents or early carers who have traumatised you. But you just have to keep speaking about it all – all the bad feelings. And the deeper and more significant your trauma, the longer and the more bad feelings hidden away inside you there will be waiting to come out.

And in a way, having a trauma that keeps making you feel bad, that unhinges you keeping you from so-called normal life, can even be seen as a good thing, as it will give you a specific focus and way into your past, allowing you to uncover the truth of your pain, evolve your conscious awareness of yourself and the truth of your early relationships. For people who don’t have such ongoing pain gnawing away at them, who believe they are relatively okay in life, it will be much harder to go back into their early childhood and see what terrors they are covering up.  And the terrors will be there even though they might not feel traumatised.

And how you speak about your bad feelings matters too.

You need to express them by really putting yourself in them and trying to allow ‘them’ to speak. You try to emote the pain, you try to allow the pain to express itself, to come out and put itself into words. As you speak you focus on nothing other than your bad feelings, you let them consume you, you BE them, you submit to them, you sink into them, or bring them up all around and in you. (And if you are worried that your horrible feelings will overwhelm you, destroy you, sending you into madness if you finally let go, so long as you’re speaking about all such fears, and always longing to uncover the truth of them, as hard as it will be, you will be okay.) And you use your feeling expression to block out your mind, to stop all thoughts and any justifications or rationalisations you might have that your mind presents to you trying to stop you feel and speak about your bad feelings.

If you commit yourself to speaking about all the bad feelings you feel related to your trauma, life will present you with all the opportunities you’ll need to stir up your hidden bad feelings, all so you can express them.

The uncovering of the truth of your trauma to heal it, is a whole journey in and of itself, as those who have done it will testify. It’s not like taking a pill and the pain magically goes away. It’s a laborious process because it involves all aspects of yourself, namely the many beliefs and behaviours all of which constitute the fabric of your being. You suffered a lot of pain and bad feeling as the trauma happened, and it might have happened over years, so you have formed about it, it is a part of you. So to go back into it, to unwind and bring to light your relationship with it, is going to be very challenging as your bad feelings take you into looking at all the negative ‘circuitry’ within you. And to ‘reprogram’ yourself will be very hard, but will naturally occur (you won’t have to do anything with your mind to make it happen) as the truth is revealed.

And mostly it’s a highly personal journey, one another person can’t understand or fully relate to because they didn’t experience your trauma. So you will feel very alone at times, but such feelings are yet more bad feelings to speak about, and so on it goes, endlessly speaking about your bad feelings.

But what else can you do?

Never underestimate the importance of speaking about how bad you feel. It is the way and the key to help and heal yourself. And it’s the only thing you’ve got that you can do to help yourself.  Speak!