Childhood repression, religion and spirituality

All of the existing religions from East to West and spiritual systems New and Old Age based on prayer or meditation have been formed and evolved within our negative mind and will state, even if they have come into being from so-called divine revelation. So if you are involved in them, all they will help you achieve is still only within your feeling- and self-denying state. It can’t be otherwise.

And if you look at them closely you can see how all they do is help you feel better, however to feel better at the expense of your bad feelings. They all help you to further deny your bad feelings. They help you to further suppress and keep repressed all your pain and suffering, all that you experienced from your early childhood and so are still experiencing. And there’s no getting away from it.

No spiritual or religious system of the negative will help you free yourself of all evil, sin and error – it can’t. It’s of the negative, it’s not outside of and separate from it, and neither are you. And no amount of prayer or meditation, no matter what you are led to believe or want to believe, will heal you. And all that you will call ‘healing’ and feeling better about yourself and your life will be yet more self-delusion.

The worlds spiritual and religious systems are some of our most deluded systems of belief, all because they purport to enable you to become separate from all that is bad, wrong and evil. By joining them and doing as they say, you are then good, true and right, and all those who refuse to join and adhere to the ‘holy doctrine’ are evil, wrong and bad. But this is only something to give power to powerless feeling minds, as it’s all delusion. And how can it be anything other than mere fantasy when it’s all still only taking place within the negative, within all that is wrong, false and untrue!

If there were a spiritual or religious system that could truly help you it would focus on helping you to understand the state of your negative mind and will entrapment, and it would help you to heal your childhood repression through bad feeling acceptance, rather than helping you perpetuate bad feeling avoidance and denial.

The only true way to free and liberate your spirit, and to live true to yourself, nature and God, is to do your feeling- or soul-healing through the ongoing willing self-acceptance of your bad feelings – all those you are persisting in denying – together with the expression of all the bad feelings you are feeling as you long for and find the truth of them. And were you to follow this practice of self-help, self-love and self-acceptance, then it will lead you out of your negative mind and will condition and into a positive one.

And does such a spiritual or religious system exist?

Of course it does, as there has to be a way out of our negative state as there was a way into it.

And one such newly revealed spiritual and religious system is Divine Love Spirituality.

I am a horrible person. You won’t like me.

I am a horrible person. You won’t like me. There is nothing to like about me. You’ll hate me. I am very bad. I am the worst. I do awful things. I’m evil. I’m perverted. I’m sick. I’m ugly. I don’t love you. I don’t care about you. I don’t want to know you. I don’t want you bothering me. I don’t want you in my life. I hate you. I hate everything. I hate everything about you. Go away. Leave me alone. Leave me in peace.

When you work your way deep into seeing the truth of how badly, how unlovingly, how appallingly your parents treated you, making you feel repulsed by them, like you will never want to have anything ever again to do with them; and then you realise you are the same as them, you are of them, it’s a terrible blow to your ego. To have to accept and admit that you are just as horrible as them, doing all the same horrible things to yourself, nature and everyone else, even to people you love, is very difficult. It hurts.

To have to face the hard truth that you are evil, rotten, despicable, such an unloving and uncaring person as they are, is… Just wait until you do, then you’ll know what I mean.

And then when you take it further, you begin to realise and have to accept: I am a horrible person, made to be so because of my horrible parents. And if this is true, being shown in my impure self-denying negative state – all shown up as my childhood repression, then so is everyone else. Because we are all living in the negative, all stuffed full of repressed feelings and all that’s resulting from them, from our early childhoods. So we are all horrible people, all desperately not wanting to be so, desperately wanting to be liked and thought well of, doing all we can do cover up our yukness by being ‘friendly, ‘happy’, ‘caring’, ‘loving’…

I am the Greatest Evil One.

I am no love. I have a heart of stone – this I now know as I feel it to be so. This is the truth of my anti-love negative state of mind and will.

And I feel good. Surprisingly, I feel good being able to accept this about myself. It’s taken me years of hard slog doing my feeling-healing, but now I’m there, now I understand. Now I know I am cold, with no warmth, no blood, no fire in me, no love – just cold hard stone.

I have tried to resist this truth, I have not wanted to be told or accused of being unloving, but I am. I have fought my way to this hidden truth of myself and now I am there. Now I feel I need go no further, only to understand more about what it is like to be my unloving self.

I don’t feel love. I don’t feel loved by anyone – I don’t love. I used to believe I did, but it was only a lie, all make-believe, false and wrong. It was nothing more than a belief I needed to have so I didn’t have to face the cold hard truth. It was a belief given to me by my mother, father and grandmother. They believed it too. They believed they were loving, perhaps even all-loving, but they weren’t. They weren’t because I didn’t and don’t feel loved by them. And as I am of and from them, so too am I unloving. I too am as they are, only now I know and accept the truth.

I wanted to change the world. I wanted to make everyone be nice, kind, caring and loving of each other. I wanted to do this so they would all love me. The world being really just my parents. I so desperately wanted them to like me, to accept me as I was, to not try and change me – to just love me.

I wanted the whole world to do my bidding. I know the new way, the right way, and if only everyone were to listen to me, then we could all live happily ever after.

I wanted to change the world as many before me have wanted to, as many other people still do, but now I can see in myself, as I see in them, that we are all wrong. I am only wanting to do it for selfish self-centred self-glorying reasons. I am only wanting to be the supreme controller, the ultimate master of all. I want to be god. I want to wave the magic wand and make everything be how I want it to be – all so I will always feel good. So I want everyone to do what I say. And if they do, then I will be happy. It’s all for me, not for them, only I pretend and superficially make out that it is for them, this being exactly how my parents said it was for me. They said they were all for me, the life they were giving and making for me was all for me, but it wasn’t, it was only all for them.

Now I know the awful truth of myself. I am not all-loving and trying to be like Jesus, showing everyone The Way whilst showering the sick and poor with tenderness, goodness and love. I am the opposite, like the Evil Ones, with no love to give, only a leech wanting to suck everyone dry of all life, vitality, spirit and love – to suck them dry all for myself.

And I want to use everyone until there is no one left to use. Then it will only be me, the greatest person alive. But I will be alone. And this too is what I want. I don’t care about being alone because that is all I have ever felt, it’s all I have ever had. I am alone – that is my lot, as my mother told me, so I expect nothing more. Being alone I should be happy. Being alone I will be happy, because when I was alone I was away from them and I felt better. But I also know this too is all wrong. This is the price I pay for being unloving, for having no goodness and no truth within me. This is the price of my suffering – the cost of my pain. But I can live with it, or so I believe, as I have nothing else. There never was anything else, so this is all I have, all I can look forward to, all I can aspire to be. It is all I want.

So here I am, alone in my heart with nothing I love and no one to be loved by. I do actually have a loving person with me and a loving little cat, but I can’t feel their love for me. I used to pretend that I did, but I didn’t – I just wanted to believe I did.

I am with them and I am no-love, and I am alone. And there is nothing I can do. It is just how it is – how I was made to be. However as I said, strangely, I don’t feel bad about about it anymore. I am just as I am and that is all I can be – it is all that I AM. I is all I can be in my negative unloving state.

Right girls, it’s time to get serious! We men need your help – NOW!

Women, we are all dependent on you. You hold the key to humanity’s future. You are the ones who will lead us men out of our feeling-denial, as you lead yourselves.

But it’s a tough call. It’s already been bloody hard for you, and now to see the terrible truth of how your feeling denial ruins and has ruined your children, will be even harder. And even harder still (if it can get any harder), you will need to bring up all your repressed bad feelings, face them, admit and own them, speak about them and uncover their truth. And the truth when seen will show you how to act.

And how you will act living true to your feelings will be your salvation, will be your True Liberation. And with it you’ll be able to help your men.

Women’s liberation as it now stands is gaining equality with men in the negative unloving self-denying state, which of itself is good and about time in coming, however it’s only being equal in the negative, still causing all your problems, and possibly in other ways, more problems.

Women’s liberation within the negative is really only a false liberation, it’s not a full, true and real, total celebration of the feminine. It’s not a total liberation of feelings – OF ALL YOU FEEL. Women’s liberation currently is women believing they are gaining power, but it’s only as men’s power is, as all power in the negative is: false.

True women’s liberation will come as women (and men, men liberating the feminine within themselves) start to openly accept their feelings and feel free to express them. Free to do so without fear and worry about what other women and men will think.

And once women and men become truly Feeling-Liberated, then they can turn their attention to their children allowing them to be free, to freely liberate their personality as they come into being.

Completely healing your childhood trauma – any trauma

It’s the same for any trauma – there is only one way to heal it, and that’s to speak about all it makes you feel.

There isn’t much else you can do once the physical healing has been done other than speak about all your bad feelings. With any trauma, the greatest part is the emotional, mental, spiritual and psychic (etheric) pain one experiences, that which can remain forever if nothing is done about it. And what can you do? Speak about it, about all you’re feeling about it. And keep on speaking about it until there is simply no more to speak about. Something which can possibly take years to do.  If you don’t speak about it, it will fester away inside you until such pain builds forcing you to one day break and speak about it.

So you decide that the only way you’re going to heal all you’ve suffered is to speak about every bad feeling that comes up to do with it. And so naturally you’ll need someone to speak to – a friend. And a willing friend, someone who wants to hear about all your suffering. But what do you do when you don’t have such a person in your life? All you can do it want such a person, and think and feel and in some way try to express all you feel about it, about not having such a person. And one day I’d like to imagine there will be volunteer ‘friends’, people willing and wanting to listen. But in the meantime, I guess you’ll just have to do the best you can, using professional counsellors and therapists if you afford them. And although writing about all you feel is a poor alternative, I find it a great help in allowing me to accept all I feel and not push the bad feelings aside so easily. But at some stage, you’ve got to speak about all you feel.

You need a lot of help, and it’s going to take a long time, and there will be lots to speak about. A hell of a lot. And if your traumas are from your early childhood, then there will be a huge amount of hidden repressed bad feelings all of which will have to come out if you want to heal it all.

But where do you begin, as you can’t just say, right, today I will speak about my early childhood trauma and how bad I feel about it all, and there it all is, all the bad feelings ready and waiting for you to start talking about them. But there will be some bad feelings associated with it, so this is where you begin, you start talking about them.

And you start talking about them in a meaningful way. You speak about seriously wanting to find out and understand all about your pain: why you are suffering, why it was done to you, and how it all came about. You talk about it desiring – longing – to know ALL about it – the whole TRUTH of it.

So you now have a purpose to speak about your pain and bad feelings. You have a goal, something to aim for: the truth of what happened to you. It’s not enough to just say, I want to talk about it so I can heal it. The uncovering of and finding out about the truth of it all IS the healing.

The healing is done, and the pain will leave you, ONLY WHEN YOU FIND THE TRUTH OF WHAT IS CAUSING THE PAIN.

And to find the truth you will need to speak about every little aspect of it. And to do this you will have to pay attention to all your bad feelings and speak about them all as you feel them.

Your bad feelings are your way into the truth – into the TRUTH OF YOURSELF.

And to want to uncover the truth of yourself means you might have to face some tough, ugly, stuff about yourself and your relationship with your parents or early carers who have traumatised you. But you just have to keep speaking about it all – all the bad feelings. And the deeper and more significant your trauma, the longer and the more bad feelings hidden away inside you there will be waiting to come out.

And in a way, having a trauma that keeps making you feel bad, that unhinges you keeping you from so-called normal life, can even be seen as a good thing, as it will give you a specific focus and way into your past, allowing you to uncover the truth of your pain, evolve your conscious awareness of yourself and the truth of your early relationships. For people who don’t have such ongoing pain gnawing away at them, who believe they are relatively okay in life, it will be much harder to go back into their early childhood and see what terrors they are covering up.  And the terrors will be there even though they might not feel traumatised.

And how you speak about your bad feelings matters too.

You need to express them by really putting yourself in them and trying to allow ‘them’ to speak. You try to emote the pain, you try to allow the pain to express itself, to come out and put itself into words. As you speak you focus on nothing other than your bad feelings, you let them consume you, you BE them, you submit to them, you sink into them, or bring them up all around and in you. (And if you are worried that your horrible feelings will overwhelm you, destroy you, sending you into madness if you finally let go, so long as you’re speaking about all such fears, and always longing to uncover the truth of them, as hard as it will be, you will be okay.) And you use your feeling expression to block out your mind, to stop all thoughts and any justifications or rationalisations you might have that your mind presents to you trying to stop you feel and speak about your bad feelings.

If you commit yourself to speaking about all the bad feelings you feel related to your trauma, life will present you with all the opportunities you’ll need to stir up your hidden bad feelings, all so you can express them.

The uncovering of the truth of your trauma to heal it, is a whole journey in and of itself, as those who have done it will testify. It’s not like taking a pill and the pain magically goes away. It’s a laborious process because it involves all aspects of yourself, namely the many beliefs and behaviours all of which constitute the fabric of your being. You suffered a lot of pain and bad feeling as the trauma happened, and it might have happened over years, so you have formed about it, it is a part of you. So to go back into it, to unwind and bring to light your relationship with it, is going to be very challenging as your bad feelings take you into looking at all the negative ‘circuitry’ within you. And to ‘reprogram’ yourself will be very hard, but will naturally occur (you won’t have to do anything with your mind to make it happen) as the truth is revealed.

And mostly it’s a highly personal journey, one another person can’t understand or fully relate to because they didn’t experience your trauma. So you will feel very alone at times, but such feelings are yet more bad feelings to speak about, and so on it goes, endlessly speaking about your bad feelings.

But what else can you do?

Never underestimate the importance of speaking about how bad you feel. It is the way and the key to help and heal yourself. And it’s the only thing you’ve got that you can do to help yourself.  Speak!

Oh the cruelty! – YOU MUST READ THIS

I used to think, yes, it’s terrible what we do to animals and each other, but what can I do. As long as I don’t hurt anyone… that’s all I can do. And when the cruelty and our barbaric nature was pushed in front of my face, I’d feel bad, but once it was gone, I resort back my feeling-denying ways. The truth being I didn’t want to acknowledge such bad feelings, such terrible things, because I didn’t know what to do when I felt so bad. I felt too powerless. I couldn’t go out there and stop the cruelty. I couldn’t. And through my feeling-healing I’ve found that my greatest fear was that someone was going to make me try. And then what would I do?

If you want to heal your negative state of mind and will; if you want to heal and uncover the whole truth of your childhood repression, then what you’re going to see and feel about yourself and the world is not going to feel good. It’s going to feel really bad. And to give you some idea of how bad you’re going to feel, go to this website and read about the cruelty people inflict on animals for food.

Specifically read about: Veal – young cows; Sheep – mulesing; Korea – dogs and cats; Fole Gras; Pigs – “Factory Farmed”.

And allow yourself to feel all your bad feelings.

And if you deny or try to rationalise away your bad feelings in anyway, see if you detect why. See if you can feel why.

And don’t feel that you have to do anything about the cruelty, just allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to have such feelings maintaining an awareness about the horror.

And when you’ve done this, ask yourself, what would it take for people to be able to do such things? What state of mind would you need to be in if you had to do such things yourself?

And then understand that such people can do such horrendous things, can be so cruel, because of their upbringing. We can only do to another what was done to us – but it doesn’t have to just be physically. And even though you might not be able to do such bad things against another creature, or person, or even against yourself, still remember that you are part of humanity, you are part of this horror, and in your own way you are contributing to it.

And if you seriously do want to do something about this, then all you can do is start to speak about all the bad feelings you feel with the intention of uncovering the truth of why you feel them – the doing of your feeling-healing.

Now having read this, go to the above website and FEEL. Don’t just put it off and say I’ll do it another day, GO NOW! And read it all, even if you’ve already read it or know about such things. We all need to be aware of such horror; we all need to allow ourselves feel all we feel about it. The feelings need to be a part of our personal and collective consciousness. They need to be out there, freely being expressed. Their energy needs to be liberated and no longer suppressed. And we need to know how we do feel about such things – how we really feel.

So go and read these few pages…

Day 3 – my cold

How my cold makes me feel reveals how I felt as a young child. It’s quite amazing. Each time I feel bad and focus on how my cold is making me feel, I can relate to the bad feelings being exactly the same as how I felt so often during my childhood. Through it I almost feel like I’m in two realities at the same time: back then and now, being shown and connected by the same bad feelings. This being what I am meant to feel as I use my cold to help shed more light on the truth of my early life.

Last night I had another dream, and this one helped me, as I spoke about it to Marion, see more about my relationship with my brother and our family dynamics. I have already seen a lot to do with my relationship with him, yet as happens through my feeling-healing, every time I go over it again because of more bad feelings, I see deeper into it, more subtle aspects, gaining a greater understanding.

In my dream I separated from my brother refusing to do what he wanted, and I felt good for the first time seeing that his way was not mine.

Speaking about how the dream made me feel helped me to understand how so much more attention was focused on him, he being younger than I. He got away with doing things that I got punished for. He was the one to entertain the family; I was just there to help him. I was meant to look after him, to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble. It was all him and not me, making me feel I wasn’t important; he was, I wasn’t allowed to be an individual in my own right, but he could. I wasn’t equally the central focus, I was always in the background doing all I could to support him. He was more the leader, and yet they told me I was to lead him being the eldest. I was praised for being a good boy being his minder, and clung to the praise wrongly believing they did like me, and that I too was important, but it was all for the role I played and not for myself. So now as I strip my role away, that which my healing has forced me to do, I feel totally at a loose end, without knowing what do to without him to order around. And it helps me to see how fragile and false my feelings of power were, all just given to me by them, but nothing coming from my true self.

All of this helped to liberate feelings of sadness, and a deep feeling of hurt from a wound deep in the core of me: they loved him, not me; they wanted him, not me; they made a fuss of him, not me; all he did was important, even if it was bad, nothing I did mattered.

And these feelings explain so much to me about myself, and how I’ve conducted my life. I’ve felt more like an extra in a movie, sort of needed and wanted, but not too much, and definitely not to show up the main performers. Just so long as I stayed out of the way, didn’t demand too much attention, didn’t interfere with what was going on, then I was tolerated – just tolerated.

And I know if I were to tell this to my mother she would say I was wrong, that she loved me just as much as my brother but in a different way. And then she’d go on about how different we are, yet I now know it wouldn’t matter what she said. It’s all meaningless because the truth is: I don’t feel loved by her or dad or anyone else. So whatever is going on in her mind is her thing, and it’s not going on in me. Which then confirms all I feel, making me feel even worse, because I know she’s full of shit. And I know the truth of how my cold is making me feel is the truth of how she made me feel. And I know, because through these feelings I can remember; I can remember exactly how I felt back then. And it’s how I still feel as nothing has changed.

I am so grateful to my cold. It’s getting better now. Three or four days duration, compared to how my cold’s used to go on and on for a month or more, before I started to honour the bad feelings such sore throats brought up in me: before I wanted to know the truth of such feelings.

And I can’t tell you how much better it is to live this way, to allow my cold and all my bad feelings to have their say.  And to tell me just how it was in my early life, and just how it still is. And although I feel very miserable about feeling such bad feelings, feeling so unloved by my parents, still I would much rather feel such feelings than deny they exist. Because I now know I am feeling them, and once I have spoken about them to Marion, once I have admitted to feeling this way, then magically I no longer feel bad. I no longer feel the pain of such bad feelings – the pain of feeling unloved. And in fact I feel good, very good, as I feel more of my true self.

My feeling-healing brings out my sadness, along with my anger at being made to feel sad. My cold makes me feel, depressed and miserable, and together with my runny nose, sore throat, strange feverous head feelings, all being how feeling sad makes me feel.

And now that I am connecting this way with my cold – all through my feelings, it has no longer any need to help me, so it will go. The truth has been seen.

… and sure enough, the next day, it had gone, I was back to feeling ‘normal’.

Day 2 – my cold

Day two of my cold and the symptoms are getting worse. I haven’t had a bad cold since I started my feeling-healing, but occasionally I get a sore throat and feel like ‘I’m coming down with one’.

Marion in her usual enlightening way has been helping me to understand how my cold is really a bunch of my unexpressed childhood bad feelings seeking the light of day manifesting in what I call ‘a cold’.

It’s a new way for me to look at my cold. And I can feel what she means. I can feel lots of repressed anger and hatred from my early childhood ‘causing’ my cold symptoms. So it’s not that I have ‘caught a cold’, but that I have all these unexpressed feelings to now express. And sure enough as I speak about how bad I feel, out comes my anger with more insight into why I’m feeling it.

So my ‘cold’ is saying to me: you need help; you need me to make you feel bad so you can bring up more stuff. You need me to make you feel how you are feeling, but refusing to allow yourself to acknowledge. You need me to help remind you how you felt as a young child. And I know if I don’t speak about all I feel, my cold will just get worse.

My cold is as though I’ve reached a point in my on ongoing repression and I’m boiling over with repressed feelings, which I’m not allowing myself to express, so this has to show itself in a weird way called ‘my cold’. My cold not the actual expression of my bad feelings, only the signal alerting me to the fact that I have to now focus on and deal with these feelings.

Late yesterday my throat became sore. Now it’s 2.30pm the next day. And here’s something of a list to illustrate how productive my ‘cold’ has been so far in helping me see more truth about myself through my bad feelings.

But before I write it, a couple of hours before my throat became sore, Marion and I witnessed a sight that has also hugely contributed to what my cold has been helping me to understand about myself.

We heard very loud child’s crying coming down the street outside our house. It was a young boy, possibly about six years old, crying and yelling at his mother. We couldn’t hear what he was upset about but it looked like he was imploring her to stop. He ran around facing her, pushing himself wailing against her, but she just ignored him, pushed him aside and walked on. This infuriated him even more, making him run after her so desperate for her to do what he wanted as he repeatedly tried to stop her, only to be continually pushed aside. His loud heart-crushing hysterical crying could be heard as they continued on all the way down the street.

This incident is a perfect example of how we are provided with all we need when we want to uncover the truth of ourselves. For this little boy to come into my life at this exact time was perfect for me to help use my cold to see more truth about myself.

My list – so far what my cold and this little boy experience have helped me see about myself:

I am scared.

I hate feeling sick.

I hate going to the doctor.

I hate mum and dad for making me sick.

I’m so full of anger at how badly they treated me.

They made me sick.

They made me sick because I couldn’t express my anger.

They forced me to give up fighting them.

They made me feel weak, powerless, sick.

They made me feel just like that little boy might feel: I would cry, yell and scream my protest, only to be pushed aside.

They rejected me, didn’t care about my bad feelings – didn’t care about me.

I imagine that when the little boy finally gives up – as his mother certainly isn’t going to, that he will feel wrung out, out of his senses, weak, spent, pathetic, what’s the point, no one cares about me, all of which my cold is making me feel, all that feeling sick makes me feel. I feel glazed, worked over, as if I can’t go on. I want to die. I feel just as I did so many times with them as I tried to tell them how bad I felt by having ‘my tantrum’. I can feel-remember this through the  feelings of my cold.

I feel trapped and want to break out. My protesting comes to nothing. I have to do as my mother says. I don’t want to be brushed aside and treated as if I don’t matter.

I’m not free to express myself in life as I’d like to.

I want to smash everything apart.

I want to smash her apart. But I can’t, I’m just too pathetic, too useless.

I have no say.

I have no power.

I don’t matter – certainly not to my mother.

And all these insights, many of which I’ve had many times through my feeling-healing, have all come as a result of speaking about how angry I feel – how angry my cold is making me feel.

And still my cold is making me feel and connect with my buried rage. I feel just like that little boy, raging against the stone wall, and that wall is my own mother. Where is her love and compassion? How can she just lock down and pretend I’m not there? How can she just see me as a tempest she has to stoically weather, and once it’s blown itself out, can get on with her life like nothing happened? Yet it’s me! Her very own child that is storming at her. Me! How can she be so cold, heartless, cruel and unfeeling – to me?

Day 1 – Doc, is it the big one… have I got it… the dreaded…

Another feeling-healing example:

I became aware I was feeling bad

Late yesterday afternoon I suddenly felt it. My throat was sore. Swallowing hurt. Gee, it came on fast!

I accept, honour and describe my bad feelings – I tell Marion about them.

‘Suddenly I’ve got a sore throat. It hurts right across the back of my throat, from ear to ear. It reminds me when I had my tonsils out, but it’s nowhere near as sore yet. I feel like I’m coming down with a cold. My head feels light, yeah, I even feel a bit sick.’

I express how feeling bad makes me feel.

‘I don’t want to get sick. I feel scared. I hate getting sick. I don’t want to get all coldy: coughing, runny nose, all blocked up.’

‘What’s the worst part you fear?’

‘It’s if I get really sick and I have to go to the doctor. I don’t want to go to doctor. But what if I have the flu, the Swine flu, and what if it makes me really sick? I don’t want to get really sick. I don’t mind a bit of a cold, but not the flu.’

‘Why don’t you want the flu, what’s so bad about it?’

‘I hated having to go to the doctor to get the injections. Whenever we got sick mum took us to the doctor. I hated sitting in his waiting room, the horrible smells, the old leather chairs all placed so far apart. Other people there, and everyone so quite. The mother’s all telling their children to shush. It was always so scary, waiting to be called. And then it was always another injection. “Yes, well we better give him an injection just in case it is the flu”. And at other times, “He better have a tetanus injection, he hasn’t had one for some time, and you just never know what might happen with summer coming up”. Always bloody injections – god I hated them, they always hurt so much.

‘One thing I did like about being sick however, was hearing those magical words… “I don’t think you’d better go to school today, keep him home for a week and then we’ll see how he is”. At least that was some compensation for having to go to the doctor, he was always on the side of allowing me to stay at home, but I still hated going to see him.’

‘What other bad feelings do you feel?’

I long for the truth of why I’m feeling sick. Expressing my feelings takes me into it.

‘I hate feeling so powerless being sick. Just having to lie around in bed, doing nothing, waiting to get better. Yes, it was always that this thing was making me sick and I couldn’t do anything until it – the bad thing – went away. So I’d take the pills or do whatever, but at least now I know I can speak about how bad I feel and look for the truth of it, that makes me feel not so bad, not so useless…

‘… Now a new bad feeling is coming up… yes, it’s anger… yes, now I feel really angry. And I feel angry with them, with mum and dad, with all the bullshit I had to put up with from them. It was how they treated me that made me sick. I can feel that now. I am so angry with them. They made me sick, they fucked me up so I had to get sick. It’s as if some part of me was even trying to get sick to stop them interfering with me, to make them see what they were doing to me. Gee it’s so clear, I would have never known that, but I can see it. They made me sick, then they fussed over me as if they were the nice and caring ones: “would you like me to bring you back something from work, are you comfortable, do you need another pillow, are you warm enough, how about I buy some fresh oranges, they’ll help you, what about a nice book to read over the week?” It was all such crap, they didn’t really care. If anything they were probably happy that I was out of the way – I wasn’t any trouble for a week. I’m so angry, I can feel it within me, it’s my bloody anger, the fact that I wasn’t allowed to express it that is making me sick. I’m all blocked up with it. I feel so cramped in my chest, like I want to hunch over, and I also feel like I want to break my chest open, expand it somehow, blow out all my anger, and blow it out all over them. I want to rip myself apart, rip it out of me. I want to smash them up with it. Give it all back to them. They can be fucking sick, they can have it all, they can leave me alone. I am furious at how they treated me. It was all such shit.’

More repressed anger, that’s what’s making me sick. How much of it do I have within me? There’s an endless supply. When’s it all going to come out? I don’t want to be sick… I hate being sick… I don’t want to get a cold… I don’t want to feel bad!

Some time later, just before bed.

‘Fuck it, you know, I can’t be bothered trying to fight it. And what am I trying to stand up to it for anyway? I can’t be bothered fighting with them, it never got me anywhere, they always won. So I’m giving in. Now I feel to give up, just let it come. Yes, if I am to be sick, so be it. Bring it on, just do me in, kill me, I don’t care anymore. I’m not going to resist it, it can overwhelm me. And so what, what will happen, just more bad feelings. I already feel so bad, what’s more bad feelings going to do to me? And I can speak about them to you. I feel bad. I feel sick. My throat hurts, it’s soarer down the back of it now when I swallow. And my nose is getting runny. And I don’t care. They can yell at me, they can make me do whatever they want, and I give up trying not to do what they say. I hope I do die, it would be much better than always being angry and trying to make them stop. I will just let myself be as miserable as I feel. I feel miserable anyway, so I’ll feel worse – so what! I hate them. I hate my relationship with them, it just always makes me feel bad. You know, I still can’t believe that I loved them, that I thought we all had a nice time together, when now all I feel – the truth – is that they make me feel bad. It’s a wonder that I wasn’t sick more often. I nearly died that time when I was around six, but that was all, other than bad colds. I wish I had died back then.’

Having said all that to Marion, now I feel my cold moving more into my chest. But I feel okay about it. I no longer feel angry, and in fact I actually like feeling a little bit sick. It makes me feel like I’m changing, like yuk in me is breaking down and coming out. I want to change, and it feels like a good cold, firing up my system, will help me. I’ve seen so much about myself of late that I don’t like, and I want it all to go, so perhaps this will help it. I’m looking forward to speaking about the next good or bad feeling my cold makes me feel…

The ultimate self-help book

There is ONLY ONE self-help book you need – that which you will ‘write’ as you do your childhood repression healing.

All the rest are a waste of time if they keep you from your childhood repression healing.

If you need help in book form (or in person form for that matter, such as a therapist, counsellor or friend) and want to do your childhood repression healing, look for those that will help you STOP denying your bad feelings; will STOP you from using your mind to deny them even more.

Look for a book that will help you accept your bad feelings, express them and seek the truth of them. Look for books that will show you how to express yourself – all your thoughts and feelings – truly. Look for books that focus more on feelings and less on mind control.

Too many self-help books are mind controlling. And as such might seem they will help you, and may do so in the short term, but in the long run they will only make you feel worse. And be aware that a lot of books might speak about feelings and help you to express them, but will still only be mind controlling books in ‘feeling-disguise’.

You are your own book waiting to be written. It is ALREADY written – you only have to bring it into being. And that will only happen through your feelings.