I am the Greatest Evil One.

I am no love. I have a heart of stone – this I now know as I feel it to be so. This is the truth of my anti-love negative state of mind and will.

And I feel good. Surprisingly, I feel good being able to accept this about myself. It’s taken me years of hard slog doing my feeling-healing, but now I’m there, now I understand. Now I know I am cold, with no warmth, no blood, no fire in me, no love – just cold hard stone.

I have tried to resist this truth, I have not wanted to be told or accused of being unloving, but I am. I have fought my way to this hidden truth of myself and now I am there. Now I feel I need go no further, only to understand more about what it is like to be my unloving self.

I don’t feel love. I don’t feel loved by anyone – I don’t love. I used to believe I did, but it was only a lie, all make-believe, false and wrong. It was nothing more than a belief I needed to have so I didn’t have to face the cold hard truth. It was a belief given to me by my mother, father and grandmother. They believed it too. They believed they were loving, perhaps even all-loving, but they weren’t. They weren’t because I didn’t and don’t feel loved by them. And as I am of and from them, so too am I unloving. I too am as they are, only now I know and accept the truth.

I wanted to change the world. I wanted to make everyone be nice, kind, caring and loving of each other. I wanted to do this so they would all love me. The world being really just my parents. I so desperately wanted them to like me, to accept me as I was, to not try and change me – to just love me.

I wanted the whole world to do my bidding. I know the new way, the right way, and if only everyone were to listen to me, then we could all live happily ever after.

I wanted to change the world as many before me have wanted to, as many other people still do, but now I can see in myself, as I see in them, that we are all wrong. I am only wanting to do it for selfish self-centred self-glorying reasons. I am only wanting to be the supreme controller, the ultimate master of all. I want to be god. I want to wave the magic wand and make everything be how I want it to be – all so I will always feel good. So I want everyone to do what I say. And if they do, then I will be happy. It’s all for me, not for them, only I pretend and superficially make out that it is for them, this being exactly how my parents said it was for me. They said they were all for me, the life they were giving and making for me was all for me, but it wasn’t, it was only all for them.

Now I know the awful truth of myself. I am not all-loving and trying to be like Jesus, showing everyone The Way whilst showering the sick and poor with tenderness, goodness and love. I am the opposite, like the Evil Ones, with no love to give, only a leech wanting to suck everyone dry of all life, vitality, spirit and love – to suck them dry all for myself.

And I want to use everyone until there is no one left to use. Then it will only be me, the greatest person alive. But I will be alone. And this too is what I want. I don’t care about being alone because that is all I have ever felt, it’s all I have ever had. I am alone – that is my lot, as my mother told me, so I expect nothing more. Being alone I should be happy. Being alone I will be happy, because when I was alone I was away from them and I felt better. But I also know this too is all wrong. This is the price I pay for being unloving, for having no goodness and no truth within me. This is the price of my suffering – the cost of my pain. But I can live with it, or so I believe, as I have nothing else. There never was anything else, so this is all I have, all I can look forward to, all I can aspire to be. It is all I want.

So here I am, alone in my heart with nothing I love and no one to be loved by. I do actually have a loving person with me and a loving little cat, but I can’t feel their love for me. I used to pretend that I did, but I didn’t – I just wanted to believe I did.

I am with them and I am no-love, and I am alone. And there is nothing I can do. It is just how it is – how I was made to be. However as I said, strangely, I don’t feel bad about about it anymore. I am just as I am and that is all I can be – it is all that I AM. I is all I can be in my negative unloving state.

Day 1 – Doc, is it the big one… have I got it… the dreaded…

Another feeling-healing example:

I became aware I was feeling bad

Late yesterday afternoon I suddenly felt it. My throat was sore. Swallowing hurt. Gee, it came on fast!

I accept, honour and describe my bad feelings – I tell Marion about them.

‘Suddenly I’ve got a sore throat. It hurts right across the back of my throat, from ear to ear. It reminds me when I had my tonsils out, but it’s nowhere near as sore yet. I feel like I’m coming down with a cold. My head feels light, yeah, I even feel a bit sick.’

I express how feeling bad makes me feel.

‘I don’t want to get sick. I feel scared. I hate getting sick. I don’t want to get all coldy: coughing, runny nose, all blocked up.’

‘What’s the worst part you fear?’

‘It’s if I get really sick and I have to go to the doctor. I don’t want to go to doctor. But what if I have the flu, the Swine flu, and what if it makes me really sick? I don’t want to get really sick. I don’t mind a bit of a cold, but not the flu.’

‘Why don’t you want the flu, what’s so bad about it?’

‘I hated having to go to the doctor to get the injections. Whenever we got sick mum took us to the doctor. I hated sitting in his waiting room, the horrible smells, the old leather chairs all placed so far apart. Other people there, and everyone so quite. The mother’s all telling their children to shush. It was always so scary, waiting to be called. And then it was always another injection. “Yes, well we better give him an injection just in case it is the flu”. And at other times, “He better have a tetanus injection, he hasn’t had one for some time, and you just never know what might happen with summer coming up”. Always bloody injections – god I hated them, they always hurt so much.

‘One thing I did like about being sick however, was hearing those magical words… “I don’t think you’d better go to school today, keep him home for a week and then we’ll see how he is”. At least that was some compensation for having to go to the doctor, he was always on the side of allowing me to stay at home, but I still hated going to see him.’

‘What other bad feelings do you feel?’

I long for the truth of why I’m feeling sick. Expressing my feelings takes me into it.

‘I hate feeling so powerless being sick. Just having to lie around in bed, doing nothing, waiting to get better. Yes, it was always that this thing was making me sick and I couldn’t do anything until it – the bad thing – went away. So I’d take the pills or do whatever, but at least now I know I can speak about how bad I feel and look for the truth of it, that makes me feel not so bad, not so useless…

‘… Now a new bad feeling is coming up… yes, it’s anger… yes, now I feel really angry. And I feel angry with them, with mum and dad, with all the bullshit I had to put up with from them. It was how they treated me that made me sick. I can feel that now. I am so angry with them. They made me sick, they fucked me up so I had to get sick. It’s as if some part of me was even trying to get sick to stop them interfering with me, to make them see what they were doing to me. Gee it’s so clear, I would have never known that, but I can see it. They made me sick, then they fussed over me as if they were the nice and caring ones: “would you like me to bring you back something from work, are you comfortable, do you need another pillow, are you warm enough, how about I buy some fresh oranges, they’ll help you, what about a nice book to read over the week?” It was all such crap, they didn’t really care. If anything they were probably happy that I was out of the way – I wasn’t any trouble for a week. I’m so angry, I can feel it within me, it’s my bloody anger, the fact that I wasn’t allowed to express it that is making me sick. I’m all blocked up with it. I feel so cramped in my chest, like I want to hunch over, and I also feel like I want to break my chest open, expand it somehow, blow out all my anger, and blow it out all over them. I want to rip myself apart, rip it out of me. I want to smash them up with it. Give it all back to them. They can be fucking sick, they can have it all, they can leave me alone. I am furious at how they treated me. It was all such shit.’

More repressed anger, that’s what’s making me sick. How much of it do I have within me? There’s an endless supply. When’s it all going to come out? I don’t want to be sick… I hate being sick… I don’t want to get a cold… I don’t want to feel bad!

Some time later, just before bed.

‘Fuck it, you know, I can’t be bothered trying to fight it. And what am I trying to stand up to it for anyway? I can’t be bothered fighting with them, it never got me anywhere, they always won. So I’m giving in. Now I feel to give up, just let it come. Yes, if I am to be sick, so be it. Bring it on, just do me in, kill me, I don’t care anymore. I’m not going to resist it, it can overwhelm me. And so what, what will happen, just more bad feelings. I already feel so bad, what’s more bad feelings going to do to me? And I can speak about them to you. I feel bad. I feel sick. My throat hurts, it’s soarer down the back of it now when I swallow. And my nose is getting runny. And I don’t care. They can yell at me, they can make me do whatever they want, and I give up trying not to do what they say. I hope I do die, it would be much better than always being angry and trying to make them stop. I will just let myself be as miserable as I feel. I feel miserable anyway, so I’ll feel worse – so what! I hate them. I hate my relationship with them, it just always makes me feel bad. You know, I still can’t believe that I loved them, that I thought we all had a nice time together, when now all I feel – the truth – is that they make me feel bad. It’s a wonder that I wasn’t sick more often. I nearly died that time when I was around six, but that was all, other than bad colds. I wish I had died back then.’

Having said all that to Marion, now I feel my cold moving more into my chest. But I feel okay about it. I no longer feel angry, and in fact I actually like feeling a little bit sick. It makes me feel like I’m changing, like yuk in me is breaking down and coming out. I want to change, and it feels like a good cold, firing up my system, will help me. I’ve seen so much about myself of late that I don’t like, and I want it all to go, so perhaps this will help it. I’m looking forward to speaking about the next good or bad feeling my cold makes me feel…

1. The importance of ACCEPTING your feelings.

Your feelings are you – you can’t get closer to the real you than through your feelings.

Your feelings are very important. Far more than anything to do with your mind: beliefs, behaviour patterns, thoughts, fantasies, hopes, dreams.

Your feelings are the most important part of you, so why do you deny so many of them? If they are you, why don’t you accept them, allow them to be – feel them? Don’t you want to accept all of yourself?

Monitor yourself through the day if you don’t think you do deny any of your feelings, and see if you can catch yourself pushing them away.

For example: If you feel suddenly angry, what do you do with your anger? Do you allow yourself to be fully angry – as angry as you feel? Or, do you tone it down, resist and fight your own angry feeling? Or, does it depend on the situation and who you are with – or who you are angry at? Do you fear being angry – as angry as you possibly can? Are you scared of what you might do if you just let go? And do you believe it bad to be angry – shouldn’t you always be nice, considerate, all-accepting and able to control such feelings? After all, what will people think of you if you express your anger?

So think again: are you denying any of your feelings?

If you are, why? Why deny yourself any part of yourself? Surely you want to be the full expression of yourself? How can you hope to live a happy and fulfilled life if you are denying any part of yourself?

So why are you denying feelings? And why in particular, bad ones?

So do you see, you live a huge amount of each day constantly denying a lot of what you feel. You stop yourself feeling, and so experiencing the fullness of life. You stop yourself experiencing all you feel, retarding and limiting your self-expression. So how can you maximise your experiences in life, in your relationships, if you can’t FEEL?

And if you live denying and blocking out any of yourself, let alone all those countless bad feelings, what’s it going to do to you? And I’m sure you know what happens if you live denying a part of yourself –  you’re going to get sick, aren’t you? And more than likely at some point you won’t feel good being all blocked up inside with repressed bad feelings.

So if you want to help yourself end your feeling-denial, then you have to accept your feelings. Or at least want to, because it’s not as easy to do as it sounds.

It’s heavily programmed in you to deny your bad feelings. It started as a young child and it’s become second nature to you. And every time you do it you’re reinforcing the negative pattern affirming the belief and behaviour that it’s right for you to do it. But it’s slowly killing you – that’s what self-denial will do. With it’s ultimate goal to deny your existence, to rub you out all together. All being done to yourself by yourself. So it’s not very loving, is it?

True self-love – self-acceptance, begins with accepting how you are. So admitting to yourself you deny many of your bad feelings is where you begin. This is you admitting you live in self and feeling-denial. And it’s okay, you’re not going to get punished – you’re already punishing yourself enough.

So your Feeling-Healing begins by admitting, accepting and honouring the fact that you don’t like, nor want, a lot of your bad feelings, and trying to see how you deny and push them aside.

This is all the first step of bad-feeling denial acceptance. The first step of understanding about a major part of your relationship with yourself – how you and some of your feelings don’t get along.

And in accepting this, then what do you do? You speak up about them – you express them; you bring them up and out of you – ALL you feel.

How to heal your childhood traumas.

What I am advocating is healing them through what I call Feeling-Healing.

Your trauma, no matter when it happened or what it is – any bad experience, as you know, will make you feel bad. And just because it might have happened a long time ago doesn’t lessen the pain.

So to begin your feeling-healing, to begin healing your trauma, accept these bad feelings. Don’t push them away. Don’t take pills to get rid of them. Don’t go to a therapist to have them give you an alternative way to deal with and deny them. Don’t tell yourself you shouldn’t be feeling them, or listen to anyone else telling you they are not important. They are vitally important, they are you, and YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT!  And you have them for very valid reasons, which you can find out by accepting them and allowing them to be.

You go head on and ACCEPT THEM – you allow yourself to FEEL AS BAD AS YOU CAN.  But this is hard to do as it will go against all your programming and self-controlling beliefs.

AND, as you are doing this, it’s imperative you speak about, emote and EXPRESS them as fully as you can to a friend. You need to say to someone (even a therapist) who is really the world and your parents, ‘I FEEL BAD. I FEEL VERY MISERABLE…’ You need to be able to stand up and admit it, to hear yourself say it, then have your friend – another person – accept you as you are, saying in effect, ‘You have all rights to feel as you do, to feel bad. It’s absolutely right what you are saying about yourself. Tell me more. I want to know all about your pain and suffering, all about the terrible things they did to you’.

And as you are speaking about all your feelings you long for the TRUTH of them. You want, desire, long to know why you are feeling them. Why do you feel bad? What has happened to you? What did they, those who should have loved and cared about you, do to you to make you feel so bad?

And you keep going speaking about all your bad feelings. You DON’T use your mind to try and work out answers, nor do you allow your ‘well-meaning’ friend to come up with answers if they are that way inclined.

You just stay true to your feelings, concentrating on speaking about them and all you think and feel to do with them. The truth, the answers, the insights and understanding will come of their own accord, BUT ONLY when you’ve expressed all your suppressed and repressed bad feelings out of you. And this takes time, even a long time before you’re making headway. Or, it can be relatively quick. It’s just what you need, the process you need to go through to wake you up to your traumatised state.

So try not to look for the quick fix. And even if you feel you’ve had a big breakthrough and outpouring of emotion, feelings and revelation, there may still be a lot more to see.

From what I have observed, a lot of people may know or suspect they have experienced a major trauma in their early life. And so naturally want to try to heal it. And if successful, are then able to ‘get back on the horse’ resuming something of a ‘normal’ life. But in doing so, may fall into the trap of feeling they have healed ALL their childhood repression, now their main trauma has been released and the truth seen.

What I am presenting is the understanding that there is more. Certainly, if you just want to heal your trauma so you can live a so-called normal life like everyone else – fine, but what I am saying is, what is considered normal is STILL NOT RIGHT. You’ll still be full of feeling-denial and more repressed childhood bad feelings that need expressing, and all that’s causing them will need to be healed. There will still be a huge amount of healing to do; bad feelings to express; truth to find, so as to rectify all your personality suppression and deep will damage and dysfunction.

Focusing on and healing one specific trauma, even if it’s very large and all absorbing, is only a PART of the overall picture and problem, that which I’m endeavouring to bring to light.

From what I have experienced during my childhood repression healing there are definite levels to it. And each time I finish off – heal – a level, I feel it’s all over, I’m healed and it’s all done. But with Marion’s help I have not been seduced by these intermediary good feelings and sense of accomplishment. My mind has wanted desperately to believe it is all over, and yet with her help, soon more bad feelings come and down I go, deeper still into myself working on the next level to be healed. And from what I understand, there are seven main levels, all with multiples of seven sub-levels. And just to complicate matters, from my experiences, the seven main levels seem to be contained within three broader levels. All these levels I have only a vague awareness of, and looking back over my healing can see something like them emerging, but I know not to fix things down, as they will no doubt change again, and deeper I will go, yet again, into another level or level within a level. I’m saying this to illustrate that no matter what you might think, there could possibly be more, and by the time you have truly finished your healing, I imagine you will be so different to how you are now, you will know that your healing has been fully completed. At least that is how I see it for myself.

Healing your childhood repression through bad feeling acceptance.

Your FEELINGS are you, NOT your thoughts or beliefs. You are denying many feelings, especially your bad ones. So to heal yourself you need to do the opposite – ACCEPT ALL YOUR FEELINGS.

So your childhood repression healing begins by:

Accepting and admitting, and gradually becoming more aware that you are denying bad feelings.

When you feel bad – stop. Acknowledge that you are feeling bad. Allow yourself to feel as bad as you feel. This is usually hard to do.

If you can, and this part is vitally important, tell someone who cares about you that you are feeling bad. Tell them all you feel. Speak about – express – your bad feelings. They are within you and they want to come out – so speak them out. They are not going to come out, forever remaining inside you and doing you no good, if you do not speak about them.

Then want to know with all your being why you are feeling bad. Long for the truth of your bad feelings.

DON’T use your mind or allow it to tell you the reason why you are feeling bad – why you think you feel bad. The healing of your childhood repression is all FEELING-HEALING. Your mind will want to stay in control keeping you denying your bad feelings, so you have to keep speaking about them as you feel them to break this control.

Longing for the truth of your bad feelings is also vitally important. If you don’t REALLY and TRULY want to know why you feel bad, forget it, as nothing will happen. You have to want to eventually uncover the WHOLE TRUTH of what happened to you as you were forming, and what such negative influences have made you become. You have to want to see the whole truth of your relationships with your parents and family. If you don’t – forget it. At best you might only get into some superficial layers deluding yourself you are making progress, or worse, that you have healed yourself of your traumas.

Once you have longed determinedly for the truth of why you are feeling bad, speak more about how your bad feelings are making you feel.

And keep speaking and expressing all your bad feelings – ALWAYS!

You don’t have to do anything else. The truth will come to light by itself when you are ready for it.

So this is very simply all you have to do. And if you’ve had any good therapy or worked on yourself with success, you will be able to recognise this procedure in how you’ve helped yourself.

Become aware that you are feeling bad.
Admit and acknowledge your bad feelings.
Speak about and express them to someone who wants to listen and know you.
Long for the TRUTH of why you are feeling them.
Speak more about how bad you feel.
Be patient, in time the truth will come.