We spend zillions of dollars on trying to feel better

It’s mad really. All we do is done to keep us away from our bad feelings. That is the extent of our so-called ‘civilised progress’.

It’s said we live on an insane world, and it’s true. If we weren’t mad with our pain, suffering and bad feelings, we’ve have no need to do all that we do.

Look at your own life. The sad truth is: all you are doing in it is to escape from your bad feelings. And can you say it’s not? Can you say you do all you do to welcome and accept your bad feelings?

And who wants to feel bad – no one. No one in their right mind would want to feel bad, and yet we all feel bad, even if we are so far gone we won’t allow ourselves to acknowledge it.

But we all feel bad, somewhere inside us, we all do. And we really do, it’s true, as shown by our childhood repression. Childhood repressed feelings make us feel bad. Our childhood repression is bad. It’s not a nice loving thing, however it of itself is neither good or bad, the bad being what was done to us to bring it about within us.

Currently on the material level of dollars, the economy is dying. We’re having to keep up the fantasy for all it’s worth. We can’t just allow it to keel over and be what it is – nothing. We’ve made it all up, it’s all unreal. So many people live beyond their means believing they can be happy living with debt, believing they can escape from the pain of their bad feelings by having things they can’t afford.

We by a house with money we don’t have, but we hope we’ll have in future. It’s always the future, life will always be better in future, but why will it – why should it? We’ve only been led to believe this because when we were little we looked to the future to feel better. Our current ‘now’ moment with our parents made us feel bad, so it was always the future that was going to be better. And often it was our parents who said so.

So in no way we can just accept and live with the amount of real physical dollars we have, living within our means, because for most of us that would mean we wouldn’t have anything. And we can’t bear this thought. Because to have nothing means you don’t feel loved – or so we’ve been wrongly made to believe. You didn’t have anything with your parents making you feel unloved bring about your childhood repression, so now you must have material things to fill up this cavernous hole of despair – of feeling so alone, unwanted, unloved and uncared about.

But one day the house of cards will come crashing down. And this as we are seeing might be the beginning of that day. And if it does and the economy goes to shit, then what happens, how will we all survive?

And what will happen, something we can all count on – is PAIN. Yet what is this pain? And as much as it might be the pain of all the fear suddenly assailing you, really it is the pain, the buried pain, surfacing from your early childhood. It is the pain of feeling so unloved by your parents being manifest all about you by your failing life. The pain you’ve been refusing to face. The pain your greed and desperation by living in debt, living without anything real, living a false and fantasy life, is forcing you to feel. The very same pain of living a false and fantasy life of ‘love’ with your parents.

And is there an escape – a real way out? And what happens if once the flimsy house has completely come done with no hope of re-building, not for a very long time, then what?

There are two things you can do. One: struggle on the best you can, as mostly you have done over previous cyclic downturns, steadfastly trying to deny all your bad feelings – just as you have always done; and the other, is to go the other way, stop and begin to face the truth: that you feel bad. To accept, express and uncover the truth of all your bad feelings. To begin to acknowledge and accept your pain. To heal yourself of your self-defeating bad-feeling-denying life – to heal your childhood repression.

I am a horrible person. You won’t like me.

I am a horrible person. You won’t like me. There is nothing to like about me. You’ll hate me. I am very bad. I am the worst. I do awful things. I’m evil. I’m perverted. I’m sick. I’m ugly. I don’t love you. I don’t care about you. I don’t want to know you. I don’t want you bothering me. I don’t want you in my life. I hate you. I hate everything. I hate everything about you. Go away. Leave me alone. Leave me in peace.

When you work your way deep into seeing the truth of how badly, how unlovingly, how appallingly your parents treated you, making you feel repulsed by them, like you will never want to have anything ever again to do with them; and then you realise you are the same as them, you are of them, it’s a terrible blow to your ego. To have to accept and admit that you are just as horrible as them, doing all the same horrible things to yourself, nature and everyone else, even to people you love, is very difficult. It hurts.

To have to face the hard truth that you are evil, rotten, despicable, such an unloving and uncaring person as they are, is… Just wait until you do, then you’ll know what I mean.

And then when you take it further, you begin to realise and have to accept: I am a horrible person, made to be so because of my horrible parents. And if this is true, being shown in my impure self-denying negative state – all shown up as my childhood repression, then so is everyone else. Because we are all living in the negative, all stuffed full of repressed feelings and all that’s resulting from them, from our early childhoods. So we are all horrible people, all desperately not wanting to be so, desperately wanting to be liked and thought well of, doing all we can do cover up our yukness by being ‘friendly, ‘happy’, ‘caring’, ‘loving’…

Oh the cruelty! – YOU MUST READ THIS

I used to think, yes, it’s terrible what we do to animals and each other, but what can I do. As long as I don’t hurt anyone… that’s all I can do. And when the cruelty and our barbaric nature was pushed in front of my face, I’d feel bad, but once it was gone, I resort back my feeling-denying ways. The truth being I didn’t want to acknowledge such bad feelings, such terrible things, because I didn’t know what to do when I felt so bad. I felt too powerless. I couldn’t go out there and stop the cruelty. I couldn’t. And through my feeling-healing I’ve found that my greatest fear was that someone was going to make me try. And then what would I do?

If you want to heal your negative state of mind and will; if you want to heal and uncover the whole truth of your childhood repression, then what you’re going to see and feel about yourself and the world is not going to feel good. It’s going to feel really bad. And to give you some idea of how bad you’re going to feel, go to this website and read about the cruelty people inflict on animals for food.

Specifically read about: Veal – young cows; Sheep – mulesing; Korea – dogs and cats; Fole Gras; Pigs – “Factory Farmed”.

And allow yourself to feel all your bad feelings.

And if you deny or try to rationalise away your bad feelings in anyway, see if you detect why. See if you can feel why.

And don’t feel that you have to do anything about the cruelty, just allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to have such feelings maintaining an awareness about the horror.

And when you’ve done this, ask yourself, what would it take for people to be able to do such things? What state of mind would you need to be in if you had to do such things yourself?

And then understand that such people can do such horrendous things, can be so cruel, because of their upbringing. We can only do to another what was done to us – but it doesn’t have to just be physically. And even though you might not be able to do such bad things against another creature, or person, or even against yourself, still remember that you are part of humanity, you are part of this horror, and in your own way you are contributing to it.

And if you seriously do want to do something about this, then all you can do is start to speak about all the bad feelings you feel with the intention of uncovering the truth of why you feel them – the doing of your feeling-healing.

Now having read this, go to the above website and FEEL. Don’t just put it off and say I’ll do it another day, GO NOW! And read it all, even if you’ve already read it or know about such things. We all need to be aware of such horror; we all need to allow ourselves feel all we feel about it. The feelings need to be a part of our personal and collective consciousness. They need to be out there, freely being expressed. Their energy needs to be liberated and no longer suppressed. And we need to know how we do feel about such things – how we really feel.

So go and read these few pages…

Day 1 – Doc, is it the big one… have I got it… the dreaded…

Another feeling-healing example:

I became aware I was feeling bad

Late yesterday afternoon I suddenly felt it. My throat was sore. Swallowing hurt. Gee, it came on fast!

I accept, honour and describe my bad feelings – I tell Marion about them.

‘Suddenly I’ve got a sore throat. It hurts right across the back of my throat, from ear to ear. It reminds me when I had my tonsils out, but it’s nowhere near as sore yet. I feel like I’m coming down with a cold. My head feels light, yeah, I even feel a bit sick.’

I express how feeling bad makes me feel.

‘I don’t want to get sick. I feel scared. I hate getting sick. I don’t want to get all coldy: coughing, runny nose, all blocked up.’

‘What’s the worst part you fear?’

‘It’s if I get really sick and I have to go to the doctor. I don’t want to go to doctor. But what if I have the flu, the Swine flu, and what if it makes me really sick? I don’t want to get really sick. I don’t mind a bit of a cold, but not the flu.’

‘Why don’t you want the flu, what’s so bad about it?’

‘I hated having to go to the doctor to get the injections. Whenever we got sick mum took us to the doctor. I hated sitting in his waiting room, the horrible smells, the old leather chairs all placed so far apart. Other people there, and everyone so quite. The mother’s all telling their children to shush. It was always so scary, waiting to be called. And then it was always another injection. “Yes, well we better give him an injection just in case it is the flu”. And at other times, “He better have a tetanus injection, he hasn’t had one for some time, and you just never know what might happen with summer coming up”. Always bloody injections – god I hated them, they always hurt so much.

‘One thing I did like about being sick however, was hearing those magical words… “I don’t think you’d better go to school today, keep him home for a week and then we’ll see how he is”. At least that was some compensation for having to go to the doctor, he was always on the side of allowing me to stay at home, but I still hated going to see him.’

‘What other bad feelings do you feel?’

I long for the truth of why I’m feeling sick. Expressing my feelings takes me into it.

‘I hate feeling so powerless being sick. Just having to lie around in bed, doing nothing, waiting to get better. Yes, it was always that this thing was making me sick and I couldn’t do anything until it – the bad thing – went away. So I’d take the pills or do whatever, but at least now I know I can speak about how bad I feel and look for the truth of it, that makes me feel not so bad, not so useless…

‘… Now a new bad feeling is coming up… yes, it’s anger… yes, now I feel really angry. And I feel angry with them, with mum and dad, with all the bullshit I had to put up with from them. It was how they treated me that made me sick. I can feel that now. I am so angry with them. They made me sick, they fucked me up so I had to get sick. It’s as if some part of me was even trying to get sick to stop them interfering with me, to make them see what they were doing to me. Gee it’s so clear, I would have never known that, but I can see it. They made me sick, then they fussed over me as if they were the nice and caring ones: “would you like me to bring you back something from work, are you comfortable, do you need another pillow, are you warm enough, how about I buy some fresh oranges, they’ll help you, what about a nice book to read over the week?” It was all such crap, they didn’t really care. If anything they were probably happy that I was out of the way – I wasn’t any trouble for a week. I’m so angry, I can feel it within me, it’s my bloody anger, the fact that I wasn’t allowed to express it that is making me sick. I’m all blocked up with it. I feel so cramped in my chest, like I want to hunch over, and I also feel like I want to break my chest open, expand it somehow, blow out all my anger, and blow it out all over them. I want to rip myself apart, rip it out of me. I want to smash them up with it. Give it all back to them. They can be fucking sick, they can have it all, they can leave me alone. I am furious at how they treated me. It was all such shit.’

More repressed anger, that’s what’s making me sick. How much of it do I have within me? There’s an endless supply. When’s it all going to come out? I don’t want to be sick… I hate being sick… I don’t want to get a cold… I don’t want to feel bad!

Some time later, just before bed.

‘Fuck it, you know, I can’t be bothered trying to fight it. And what am I trying to stand up to it for anyway? I can’t be bothered fighting with them, it never got me anywhere, they always won. So I’m giving in. Now I feel to give up, just let it come. Yes, if I am to be sick, so be it. Bring it on, just do me in, kill me, I don’t care anymore. I’m not going to resist it, it can overwhelm me. And so what, what will happen, just more bad feelings. I already feel so bad, what’s more bad feelings going to do to me? And I can speak about them to you. I feel bad. I feel sick. My throat hurts, it’s soarer down the back of it now when I swallow. And my nose is getting runny. And I don’t care. They can yell at me, they can make me do whatever they want, and I give up trying not to do what they say. I hope I do die, it would be much better than always being angry and trying to make them stop. I will just let myself be as miserable as I feel. I feel miserable anyway, so I’ll feel worse – so what! I hate them. I hate my relationship with them, it just always makes me feel bad. You know, I still can’t believe that I loved them, that I thought we all had a nice time together, when now all I feel – the truth – is that they make me feel bad. It’s a wonder that I wasn’t sick more often. I nearly died that time when I was around six, but that was all, other than bad colds. I wish I had died back then.’

Having said all that to Marion, now I feel my cold moving more into my chest. But I feel okay about it. I no longer feel angry, and in fact I actually like feeling a little bit sick. It makes me feel like I’m changing, like yuk in me is breaking down and coming out. I want to change, and it feels like a good cold, firing up my system, will help me. I’ve seen so much about myself of late that I don’t like, and I want it all to go, so perhaps this will help it. I’m looking forward to speaking about the next good or bad feeling my cold makes me feel…

A Feeling-Healing example: Cape Barren Geese

1. I became aware I was feeling bad

The Cape Barren geese – gorgeous birds – are currently nesting – it’s winter. One female has been sitting atop a mound of cut down trees about three metres off the ground. The males stands around the base of the mound in the grass, on guard. She sits on top of this mound exposed to all the elements. We haven’t seen her off the mound feeding on the ground eating the grass, but we’re only car-seat birders driving past her early in the morning every couple of days, and a bird book we read says she periodically leaves the nest covering her eggs in down.

Another female sits on her nest on the ground right in the middle of a paddock. The cows all mill around her with the male on duty not far from her side, but never, too close. She too is very exposed to all the wintry weather. Apparently they sit on their nests for up to 37 days. Thirty-seven days of sitting out there in the middle of nowhere!

Last night it rained. And it rained and rained and pelted down. We haven’t had such a downpour for many months – the other day it hailed. The winds roared, our little house shook. The heavy rain woke me up. It was very cold and very dark, and all I could think of where the mother geese sitting out there on their nests. I felt bad. I felt bad for them. I was scared that something bad might happened to them. I lay awake wondering how on earth they manage to cope with such fierce winds and torrential rain. On and on the rain pounded on our tin roof. Hour after hour – how could they manage, surely they would have to abandon their posts and seek shelter; surely they won’t be there sitting on their nests the next day we visit them? And I dreaded to imagine what disaster might assail them having to abandon their nests, the eggs going cold, the growing chicks inside them dying.

My mind cuts in over my fear trying to reassure me they will be alright; trying to stop my worrying about them. It says: yes, these things happen, but it’s nature. Nature has designed them to cope with such extremes or else there wouldn’t be any of them. Nature makes them nest in winter so it must be right for them. Nature knows what it’s doing. The mother geese can cope, you have nothing to worry about. Go back to sleep, enjoy the noise of the rain hitting the roof. You’ll see them when you next go out, just as you have these past weeks, and after they survived the fierce winds and hail of the other day. They’ll be all right. You have nothing to worry about.

Before I started my healing, my mind saying these sorts of things to me, would have prevailed. I would have listened to it, using my rationalisations to block out my bad feelings. I would have chided myself that it was pathetic and pointless to worry about the geese, they were after all, only birds. And my mind would have succeeded. I would not have worried about them. My mind would have been so domineering that I wouldn’t have even allowed myself to be worried and concerned about them. I might have had a fleeting thought about how they cope on such nights, but then would have dismissed all my bad feelings, all my fear – I didn’t want to feel bad, and especially over something that had nothing to do with me, and, wasn’t me.

But now I no longer want to dismiss my bad feelings, I want to feel my fear. I want to identify with the mother geese, because that’s how I’m feeling. I want to feel bad because I AM FEELING BAD. I want to honour my bad feelings, not dismiss them, now that I have allowed myself to become aware that I do feel bad.

2. I accepted my bad feelings

I lay in bed allowing myself to feel worried about the geese. I allowed myself to feel as scared as I could. I didn’t like feeling scared because of the rain pelting down, but I stopped my rationalising mind from interfering. I was scared – that was what I was feeling. I allowed myself to imagine I was one of the mother geese sitting out there, and how terrible I would feel. All alone, dark, getting saturated by the rain, cold, with water on the ground rising about me threatening my eggs; too much rain, it not soaking into the ground quickly enough, exposed to the winds… Argh! I just wanted to scream, run away and hide somewhere safe and warm.

3. I expressed my bad feelings

In the morning I spoke about my fear to Marion. I described it all, the whole situation: what I felt, how I was imagining I was the mother geese. I spoke about how scared I was, how I felt like it was me out there sitting in the dark, cold with all the rain.

I told her how feeling scared made me feel. “I hate feeling scared. I feel suffocated by it, there is no escape, I feel at my wits end. I feel like my whole being is going to die, that something really bad is going to happen to me. I hate feeling scared, really scared. I feel so powerless. I can’t do anything about it. I just have to take it all. I can’t run away. I’m just out there, no one cares about me – I don’t matter. The rain just pelts down on me. I want to disappear, go somewhere else, be somewhere else; somewhere where I feel warm, wanted and loved. I feel like I’ve just been thrown out there and what’s going to happen to me? No one loves me. NO ONE LOVES ME! NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME! I’M SO ALONE.”  Shit I hate these feelings.

4. I longed for the truth of my bad feelings

I long for the truth as I am telling her about all I feel. I try to concentrate on feeling scared and trying to express all this makes me feel. It’s very hard to do. How does feeling scared, really make me feel? After some time, I pause, I long for the truth again. I want to know why I feel this way: why do I feel so bad about the geese. I’m the one feeling about about them and their situation. I don’t know what they are experiencing. I don’t know if they feel bad about it. For all I know they might relish it, or simply not feel anything at all. Why am I identifying with them so much? What is it I am trying to show myself through them? What is it that my bad feelings want me to see about myself?

Marion speaks about all she feels, and her comments help me to shift my focus a little. She says that it seems like I’ve been shut away in the dark, alone and cold, not literally, but emotionally, as all of my repressed stuff is mostly emotionally based.

The truth comes

And it’s true. That is how I feel. I feel so emotionally shut off from my family. My healing has been one long awaking to this fact. How I lived with these other people I called my loving family, and yet how we didn’t express ourselves freely to each other; we didn’t communicate all we thought and felt – at least I didn’t, as I can’t really speak for the others. And the result was that I feel so alone, shut away from them. I feel like they don’t want or care about me. They just need me to be around, to fulfil something they need, but it’s all for them, and nothing for me. I just get blasted by their anger, hit, criticised, ridiculed – made to feel I’m stupid. I’m just all alone, out there on the ground and atop the mound getting pounded and rained on from all sides, and they didn’t care how I felt.

I felt so scared with them. I may as well have been literally shut away in a small room, in the dark and cold. It’s been a huge revelation and one very difficult to accept that I actually feel scared of my parents. My own parents, who always said how much they loved me. And yet it’s true. All of my healing has led me to see just how terrified I am of them. I am the geese, scared to death out there in the dark. And that is how I have lived in my life, terrified that at any moment the next storm will break on me. I will be emotionally beaten, traumatised, scared yet again feeling my life is threatened. My existence – me, myself, I will cease to exist, all because they don’t want me to. The fear and bad feelings are too much. I can’t embrace them all in one go. I feel I will go mad, something extreme will happen to me if I do. I don’t know what, and I don’t want to know, it’s just all too bad.

So my fear has come up in me in little bits – a bit more tonight. And so long as I don’t allow my mind to dismiss my bad feelings, and keep accepting and expressing them; allowing them to be and have their say, steadily more truth and understanding comes to me about my relationship with my parents and how it’s negatively affected my life.

Now it’s late morning, the dark rain clouds are moving on. The sun is peeking out, a moments reprieve…

More truth and understanding comes

Having been speaking about more feelings to do with my fear from last night, and specifically about how my mind was trying to stop me from feeling bad, Marion said, it sounded like it’s someone telling you those things. It’s not your mind by itself, it’s just what it has learnt to do. And she’s right. As I speak to her again about what it was saying to me – what I say to myself: not having to worry about anything, that nature knows what it’s doing, I can hear the words of my mother and grandmother telling me not to be scared, taking me over, making me be how they say I should be. All their attempts of trying to love and reassure me that I had nothing to worry about, did the opposite for me. All they did was help me deny, suppress and keep repressed such bad feelings. The fact is, I was scared, and the feelings should have been accepted – I should have been accepted for how I was, for having them. Instead they made me deny them, rejected them, and in doing so rejected and denied me. Causing me to live my whole adult life rejecting my bad feelings. Causing me to feel always so scared of feeling rejected, unwanted and uncared about.

4. The importance of FOCUSING on your feelings.

Focusing on your feelings is focusing on yourself.

We have been taught to focus on our parents instead of ourselves. They demanded we pay attention to them, doing what they wanted, being how they wanted us to be. So as a result, we ‘lost’ the ability to remain self-focused, to remain in tune with what we felt. We were made to deny many of our feelings, to stop experiencing them, whilst making our mind take over.

With our mind we now control much of our feeling inspiration, even to the extent of contriving feelings to match the learnt beliefs and behavioural patterns our parents made and forced us to accept.

I believed I felt loved. Had you asked me before my Feeling-Healing, I would have said, yes, of course I know what love feels like. But now as the falseness of such love feelings has been revealed to me, I’m not so sure. I don’t know what love feels like, as all I knew it to be has proved to not be love at all, merely something I was told was love and believed felt like love.

Parents – and you can observe it all the time, especially with young children – because they are not self-focused or truly self-aware, focus too heavily on their children, seeing as it were, themselves in their children, even ‘being’ their children and so treating their children as they would themselves. They yell at and criticise their children, telling them how to be, as if their 1 and 2 year old toddler is an adult. They speak to their young children as if it should know better – even telling it so, as if it is an adult but for some reason isn’t behaving as it should be – as they have been made to behave.

It’s the weirdest thing, totally absurd and shocking to see, when a parent yells at its child as if the child were a grown up person. And telling it off because ‘it should know better’, abusing it because ‘how many times have I told you not to do that!’, and yet they are speaking to a little person who can’t possibly know what its parent is talking about. It doesn’t see the world through its parents eyes, and yet its chastised and yelled at until its crying for not doing so. The parents look and act like compete morons, badgering their poor uncomprehending child into being something it can’t possibly be. It’s outright child – person – abuse. If adults spoke to each other like that, you’d end up fighting or never having anything to do with each other again. Yet the child can’t leave, and it can’t fight. It can’t assert itself, and it’s all too easily overpowered. It’s forced to weather the angry tirade time and time again. And this treatment of their child, the parent would say, is loving, forcing it way beyond itself to be as the parent is. And to end up nothing more than a clone, a non-person, a shadow of it’s parents. So if this is love, then something is seriously very wrong. It’s not love, it’s only a fucked up mind believing and saying it’s love. And most parents are fucked up children, fucked up by their own parents, who shouldn’t have had children in the first place.

My parents shouldn’t have had me. They didn’t make me feel truly loved and wanted. And they forced me to focus so heavily on them that I became totally dependant on them, with very little independence of my own. I had so little of my own self-identity, and so few feelings of self-awareness. I was nothing more than a sad, fucked up, confused, miserable copy of them. And I now have nothing to do with them. My childhood repression healing and my search for my true-self got me away from their controlling ways. And nothing of what I used to call ‘my love for them’ exits any longer. My father is dead, yet my mother still persists in holding onto the fantasy that she loved me and I love her, and that one day when I’ve come to my senses, I will return to her, being once again her loving and dutiful son.

And I have told her no-way, it’s over; that I don’t love her; that their never was any love between us; that it was all unreal, and yet she won’t listen to me because she never did. She just persists in living in her own mind, cut off and separated from her own true feelings. And really I can’t blame her, I only need look at how unlovingly she was treated by her parents.

But the greatest move I made in my life was to turn away from my family, to end my role in the play of falseness. To say good-bye it’s over, and to get on with my feeling-healing and the discovery of my true-self. To slowly return my focus to myself and away from them. Beginning by focusing on how I really do feel – living true to my feelings; and particularly my bad ones, as I express them and long and look for their truth: the truth that when seen, enables me to slowly return my focus to my true-self – me.

I am still not fully self-focused, my childhood repression healing not finished, but at least I now know where all my problems are, and I am expressing my bad feelings that arise because of them. Accepting the feelings, longing to see the truth of them, and finding it.

My focusing on my bad feelings is my focusing on myself, the unwanted, rejected, unloved self. And each time I bring up more and express them, I am bringing myself out so I can get to know myself – the truth of me.  And this makes me feel loved.

1. The importance of ACCEPTING your feelings.

Your feelings are you – you can’t get closer to the real you than through your feelings.

Your feelings are very important. Far more than anything to do with your mind: beliefs, behaviour patterns, thoughts, fantasies, hopes, dreams.

Your feelings are the most important part of you, so why do you deny so many of them? If they are you, why don’t you accept them, allow them to be – feel them? Don’t you want to accept all of yourself?

Monitor yourself through the day if you don’t think you do deny any of your feelings, and see if you can catch yourself pushing them away.

For example: If you feel suddenly angry, what do you do with your anger? Do you allow yourself to be fully angry – as angry as you feel? Or, do you tone it down, resist and fight your own angry feeling? Or, does it depend on the situation and who you are with – or who you are angry at? Do you fear being angry – as angry as you possibly can? Are you scared of what you might do if you just let go? And do you believe it bad to be angry – shouldn’t you always be nice, considerate, all-accepting and able to control such feelings? After all, what will people think of you if you express your anger?

So think again: are you denying any of your feelings?

If you are, why? Why deny yourself any part of yourself? Surely you want to be the full expression of yourself? How can you hope to live a happy and fulfilled life if you are denying any part of yourself?

So why are you denying feelings? And why in particular, bad ones?

So do you see, you live a huge amount of each day constantly denying a lot of what you feel. You stop yourself feeling, and so experiencing the fullness of life. You stop yourself experiencing all you feel, retarding and limiting your self-expression. So how can you maximise your experiences in life, in your relationships, if you can’t FEEL?

And if you live denying and blocking out any of yourself, let alone all those countless bad feelings, what’s it going to do to you? And I’m sure you know what happens if you live denying a part of yourself –  you’re going to get sick, aren’t you? And more than likely at some point you won’t feel good being all blocked up inside with repressed bad feelings.

So if you want to help yourself end your feeling-denial, then you have to accept your feelings. Or at least want to, because it’s not as easy to do as it sounds.

It’s heavily programmed in you to deny your bad feelings. It started as a young child and it’s become second nature to you. And every time you do it you’re reinforcing the negative pattern affirming the belief and behaviour that it’s right for you to do it. But it’s slowly killing you – that’s what self-denial will do. With it’s ultimate goal to deny your existence, to rub you out all together. All being done to yourself by yourself. So it’s not very loving, is it?

True self-love – self-acceptance, begins with accepting how you are. So admitting to yourself you deny many of your bad feelings is where you begin. This is you admitting you live in self and feeling-denial. And it’s okay, you’re not going to get punished – you’re already punishing yourself enough.

So your Feeling-Healing begins by admitting, accepting and honouring the fact that you don’t like, nor want, a lot of your bad feelings, and trying to see how you deny and push them aside.

This is all the first step of bad-feeling denial acceptance. The first step of understanding about a major part of your relationship with yourself – how you and some of your feelings don’t get along.

And in accepting this, then what do you do? You speak up about them – you express them; you bring them up and out of you – ALL you feel.

How to heal your childhood traumas.

What I am advocating is healing them through what I call Feeling-Healing.

Your trauma, no matter when it happened or what it is – any bad experience, as you know, will make you feel bad. And just because it might have happened a long time ago doesn’t lessen the pain.

So to begin your feeling-healing, to begin healing your trauma, accept these bad feelings. Don’t push them away. Don’t take pills to get rid of them. Don’t go to a therapist to have them give you an alternative way to deal with and deny them. Don’t tell yourself you shouldn’t be feeling them, or listen to anyone else telling you they are not important. They are vitally important, they are you, and YOU ARE VERY IMPORTANT!  And you have them for very valid reasons, which you can find out by accepting them and allowing them to be.

You go head on and ACCEPT THEM – you allow yourself to FEEL AS BAD AS YOU CAN.  But this is hard to do as it will go against all your programming and self-controlling beliefs.

AND, as you are doing this, it’s imperative you speak about, emote and EXPRESS them as fully as you can to a friend. You need to say to someone (even a therapist) who is really the world and your parents, ‘I FEEL BAD. I FEEL VERY MISERABLE…’ You need to be able to stand up and admit it, to hear yourself say it, then have your friend – another person – accept you as you are, saying in effect, ‘You have all rights to feel as you do, to feel bad. It’s absolutely right what you are saying about yourself. Tell me more. I want to know all about your pain and suffering, all about the terrible things they did to you’.

And as you are speaking about all your feelings you long for the TRUTH of them. You want, desire, long to know why you are feeling them. Why do you feel bad? What has happened to you? What did they, those who should have loved and cared about you, do to you to make you feel so bad?

And you keep going speaking about all your bad feelings. You DON’T use your mind to try and work out answers, nor do you allow your ‘well-meaning’ friend to come up with answers if they are that way inclined.

You just stay true to your feelings, concentrating on speaking about them and all you think and feel to do with them. The truth, the answers, the insights and understanding will come of their own accord, BUT ONLY when you’ve expressed all your suppressed and repressed bad feelings out of you. And this takes time, even a long time before you’re making headway. Or, it can be relatively quick. It’s just what you need, the process you need to go through to wake you up to your traumatised state.

So try not to look for the quick fix. And even if you feel you’ve had a big breakthrough and outpouring of emotion, feelings and revelation, there may still be a lot more to see.

From what I have observed, a lot of people may know or suspect they have experienced a major trauma in their early life. And so naturally want to try to heal it. And if successful, are then able to ‘get back on the horse’ resuming something of a ‘normal’ life. But in doing so, may fall into the trap of feeling they have healed ALL their childhood repression, now their main trauma has been released and the truth seen.

What I am presenting is the understanding that there is more. Certainly, if you just want to heal your trauma so you can live a so-called normal life like everyone else – fine, but what I am saying is, what is considered normal is STILL NOT RIGHT. You’ll still be full of feeling-denial and more repressed childhood bad feelings that need expressing, and all that’s causing them will need to be healed. There will still be a huge amount of healing to do; bad feelings to express; truth to find, so as to rectify all your personality suppression and deep will damage and dysfunction.

Focusing on and healing one specific trauma, even if it’s very large and all absorbing, is only a PART of the overall picture and problem, that which I’m endeavouring to bring to light.

From what I have experienced during my childhood repression healing there are definite levels to it. And each time I finish off – heal – a level, I feel it’s all over, I’m healed and it’s all done. But with Marion’s help I have not been seduced by these intermediary good feelings and sense of accomplishment. My mind has wanted desperately to believe it is all over, and yet with her help, soon more bad feelings come and down I go, deeper still into myself working on the next level to be healed. And from what I understand, there are seven main levels, all with multiples of seven sub-levels. And just to complicate matters, from my experiences, the seven main levels seem to be contained within three broader levels. All these levels I have only a vague awareness of, and looking back over my healing can see something like them emerging, but I know not to fix things down, as they will no doubt change again, and deeper I will go, yet again, into another level or level within a level. I’m saying this to illustrate that no matter what you might think, there could possibly be more, and by the time you have truly finished your healing, I imagine you will be so different to how you are now, you will know that your healing has been fully completed. At least that is how I see it for myself.

Healing your childhood repression through bad feeling acceptance.

Your FEELINGS are you, NOT your thoughts or beliefs. You are denying many feelings, especially your bad ones. So to heal yourself you need to do the opposite – ACCEPT ALL YOUR FEELINGS.

So your childhood repression healing begins by:

Accepting and admitting, and gradually becoming more aware that you are denying bad feelings.

When you feel bad – stop. Acknowledge that you are feeling bad. Allow yourself to feel as bad as you feel. This is usually hard to do.

If you can, and this part is vitally important, tell someone who cares about you that you are feeling bad. Tell them all you feel. Speak about – express – your bad feelings. They are within you and they want to come out – so speak them out. They are not going to come out, forever remaining inside you and doing you no good, if you do not speak about them.

Then want to know with all your being why you are feeling bad. Long for the truth of your bad feelings.

DON’T use your mind or allow it to tell you the reason why you are feeling bad – why you think you feel bad. The healing of your childhood repression is all FEELING-HEALING. Your mind will want to stay in control keeping you denying your bad feelings, so you have to keep speaking about them as you feel them to break this control.

Longing for the truth of your bad feelings is also vitally important. If you don’t REALLY and TRULY want to know why you feel bad, forget it, as nothing will happen. You have to want to eventually uncover the WHOLE TRUTH of what happened to you as you were forming, and what such negative influences have made you become. You have to want to see the whole truth of your relationships with your parents and family. If you don’t – forget it. At best you might only get into some superficial layers deluding yourself you are making progress, or worse, that you have healed yourself of your traumas.

Once you have longed determinedly for the truth of why you are feeling bad, speak more about how your bad feelings are making you feel.

And keep speaking and expressing all your bad feelings – ALWAYS!

You don’t have to do anything else. The truth will come to light by itself when you are ready for it.

So this is very simply all you have to do. And if you’ve had any good therapy or worked on yourself with success, you will be able to recognise this procedure in how you’ve helped yourself.

Become aware that you are feeling bad.
Admit and acknowledge your bad feelings.
Speak about and express them to someone who wants to listen and know you.
Long for the TRUTH of why you are feeling them.
Speak more about how bad you feel.
Be patient, in time the truth will come.