Feeling unloved – how does it feel?

You might feel unloved now. You may have felt unloved in the past as an adult, and it’s horrible to feel such bad feelings, but can you remember what it feels like feeling unloved as a young child?

Can you remember being with one or both of your parents and feeling them rejecting you, pushing you away from them, not wanting you, not loving you, making you feel bad – very bad?

Can you remember that feeling of dread, the intense fear, that terrible feeling of anguish with the thought that if they don’t love you, then what? What is going to happen to you? Is the black hole that’s waiting to swallow you going to get it’s way. That awful feeling like no other feeling that there will be NOTHING, as if you will cease to exist, or worse, that you will exist, but in complete and utter nothingness. Unable to do anything, unable to function, unable to do anything but feel bad, and so, so bad. Bad being comprised of every bad feeling you could ever possibly feel, and then more. Even more bad feelings, all those ones you know are out there just waiting to seize you and crush you out of existence.

And the misery. Can you remember the misery? Can you remember feeling so miserable and that is all there is. Nothing but a sea of misery with no land in sight. No safety, no security, no comfort, no caring, no nice feelings. You, totally alone, unwanted, uncared about, unloved at sea in wave upon wave of misery and despair. Can you remember how devastated you felt feeling such bad feelings? Can you remember how all you could do was breath? And if that required any effort, it too would have ceased. Can you remember being so nothing that you could only give up? Give up, give in, allowing it to be done to you with all fight taken from you. Defeated and depressed. So depressed. Life with nothing in it for you. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to get up for, nothing to like, no fun, no happiness – nothing. Nothing, nothing and then more nothing. And the misery.

The ever present misery. It being your only comfort, your only friend. You without anything, not one good feeling trapped in your life, surrounded by unloving people, so utterly alone. They are speaking to you, but you don’t hear them. You have been forced too far away. You have been shut out from them – walled into your own little space, all but entombed in your own misery. Can you remember those bad feelings?

And the pain… oh such pain. The ever present pain. Always the pain. Pain that never leaves you. You can’t exactly place where it is but it’s all through you – YOU ARE PAIN. It is with you in your nothingness, but it is not your friend. You don’t want it. They are trying to make you like it, and perhaps in time it too will become a friend, but like your misery it’s only a false friend, and it doesn’t love you. Nothing and no one loves you. You feel unlovable. You might wonder what is wrong with you, why do they hate you so much, why don’t they like you, especially when you’ve tried to be good and do what they said. But it’s no use. Nothing changes. Nothing gets better. The pressure might ease off for a moment, and then you might feel not so bad, but sooner or later back will come all those dreadful feelings. You hate those feelings. You hate your people for making you feel so bad. You don’t understand why they do, but you don’t understand anything anyway – they’ve made that quite clear. And you hate yourself for hating them. You want to run away, but where too, and you can’t, they are your parents, it’s your family. And if they don’t love you, who will? It’s a very bleak picture indeed.

Can you remember feeling so bad, and how often you felt so bad during your young life? Can you remember how the feelings just went on and on and on, how the pain was ever present even though you tried to numb it out of your mind? Can you remember how miserable you felt, how disheartened, how unloved?

And if you can’t. Don’t worry, as you will when you do your childhood repression healing. Then you will remember. Days and days, years and years of feeling all those bad feelings of feeling unloved will come back to you, and you will remember. And you will remember so well that you will never again forget.

Shocking parenting

Another little child crying in the supermarket. The noise threatens to lift the roof off. How can someone so small make such a big noise? What is happening to him? Why is he crying like that? What has been done to him?

He’s older than I thought, but about as miserable looking as I would have imagined. His mother is ignoring him, just continuing on with her shopping looking at the shelves while he screams. Other people are looking around wondering what’s going on, and possibly thinking what should they do to help. An older lady passing tries to console him and gives sympathy to his mother. The two women give each other that knowing look. It’s them against him. It was one against him – his own mother, but now it’s two. And of course it’s all his fault. It’s always the child’s fault – isn’t it? Yes, we all know that, particularly those people who are angry with the crying, nerve-testing screaming – why doesn’t he shut up for god’s sake? Some people might blame her, but I guess it would be only a few.

I blame her. I hate her. Can’t she see what she’s doing to her child? How can she be a mother and yet do what she is doing to him? She is making him cry and scream like that. He’s not doing it for the fun of it. It’s ALL her fault. It has to be, he’s too young to know about such things. But such women probably think that they are never too young, they are always trying to get their way, have things they shouldn’t have, always trying to put one over their parents. The poor parents, gee, what a bum deal it is being a parent.

It’s as if being a parent was forced on them. I can’t see any enjoyment in it for her. It looks like a battle, and I know they’ve been battling ever since he was conceived. It was always going to be her verses him, she didn’t want him for himself – only for herself. So he has had to fit in with her, and if he doesn’t then there is hell to pay. And we’re all listening to that hell. And that is what he is objecting to. It’s all her way, it’s always her way, and yet she would probably say the opposite. She is doing all a good loving mother can do – what else can she do? She being such a good loving mother.

Loving? Ha! What’s so loving about how she is treating him? What’s so loving about how he is being made to feel? And she can’t see it. She’s blind to how she is really treating him. I can see it. And I can see that other mother with her three little children and how differently she treats them, and how they are all happy and enjoying their time together, but not him.

He’s terribly alone, scared, feeling desperately unwanted – rejected and unloved by his own mother. And the worst part is this is not his first time feeling such things, many times he would have felt them. And he is not alone. Just about every time we go to the supermarket there is a child like him. But such children don’t know each other, they only feel so very very alone.

No one loves them, no one cares about them, no one makes them feel wanted. They can’t have a life, not one they want to live their way. They have to put themselves aside, give up and submit to the greater power. They have to accept they feel powerless and then turn into false people putting on a false front trying not to show the world how pathetic they feel.

His crying goes on and on. How long can a little person cry for? I don’t hate her anymore. She’s fucked, he’s being fucked up by her, and what the hell – we’re all fucked in some way. Those happy children in the other aisle will probably be going through their hell, throwing their tantrums, later in the day or tomorrow. Does any child escape from the torture?

I didn’t. I am him; he is me. I was treated the same way. I was there all for my mother, nothing was for me, although she always told me it was all for me. But I never felt it was, and those feelings don’t lie. I know what he’s feeling because that was how I was made to feel. But I had forgotten all those bad feelings, repressed them, blocked them out of my life. But they all came back as I started to heal my childhood repression.

I’m that little boy. He’s not alone, only he doesn’t know it yet. But knowing others have suffered like you have doesn’t do anything for you – not when your in it, not when your deep in your pain. Not when you’re deep in your pain of not feeling loved, and only feeling hurt from being rejected.

Growing up, forming in life feeling rejected and unwanted – unloved – so many times is not good for your self-esteem, nervous system or anything else. No one wants to feel fucked. I know I sure don’t.

How do you know if you have childhood repression within you to heal?

Are there things you do in your life to MAKE you feel good? Do you do these things because you don’t want to feel bad? If so, then yes, you do have lots of childhood repression to heal.

These are some of the things I realised I did only to make myself feel good and to stop myself feeling bad.

watched TV
went to the movies
went out for dinner
had take-aways
drank cans of Coke
drank wine
smoked dope
kept tropical fish
had sex, had girlfriends
went to work
went on holidays
bought things
listened to music
played computer games
visited friends
went fishing

And some more things…
dreamt up business ideas
planned things in my mind
learnt things, did courses
read books
dreamed about…
wished for…
looked to the future for…
fantasised

And other things…
believed I was okay
believed I was loved
believed I was liked
believed I could get what I wanted
believed I could make things happen
believed I could say no
believed I could have my say
believed I could relate reasonably well
believed I could communicate reasonably well
believed I could express myself reasonably well
believed I knew about certain things
believed I was someone

And…
I didn’t feel depressed
I didn’t feel miserable
I didn’t feel lonely
I didn’t feel sad
I didn’t feel rejected
I didn’t feel uncared about
I didn’t feel unloved
I didn’t feel unhappy
I didn’t feel fucked

Just a few of the things I did to keep my bad feelings away, to keep my repressed childhood feelings locked up firmly deep inside me, all of which have come to light as I have worked my way through my childhood repression healing.

What things do you do to deny your bad feelings?

Is childhood repression real?

It is. Very real.

We deny it, we keep it all repressed within us by doing what we do. Anything you do that denies one bad feeling is keeping the lid on your childhood repression. If you do anything to stop yourself from feeling bad, then you are running away from your childhood repression.

We are all walking around as pressure cookers. Most of us can keep our lids firmly fastened down all our lives, some of us require periodic boiling over, others simply crack.

Those people who say it’s not real, that it is just a figment of the imagination of people like myself, are saying so because they are afraid of it. It scares them, and in no way do they want to be forced – for that is what they believe will happen to them – to have to look into it. And frankly, I can’t blame them. It is scary.

Childhood Repression is the final frontier. We can run off into outer space all we like; we try to live out our fantasies, but there always remains one problem: where ever we run too, we will still be there. And we will still be full of our childhood repression. We can’t escape from ourself – from our feelings. We can pretend we have escaped, but only for so long. One day we have to face our inner demon, that inner darkness – the fear that we dread.

One day we all have to face the truth of what our parents did to us.