I’m writing for the bottom line. I firmly believe that we’re all living in a negative state of mind and will that we have been made to deny – deny all the bad feelings it makes us feel – resulting in our childhood repression.
When I say we all hate each other, that no one is loved by their family or parents; that no one truly loves their family or parents; that no one feels loved and is loving, I am speaking about how you feel when you are in the throws of your deep repressed bad feelings coming up as you seek to accept, express and uncover the truth of them. When you feel so bad, these statements become true – you feel them.
However when you’re not feeling so bad you might not feel such things so deeply, truly or excruciatingly painfully. You might feel love, for yourself, others, your parents and your family. You might not hate them or anyone. You might not even hate yourself. And you may even feel relatively okay about yourself and your life. And you may feel that all I say is too extreme and doesn’t really apply to you, that I’m way too far off track and full of shit.
But then when you’re plunged back down into your unloving bad feeling self-denying state, you might find you start to agree with me again. And this is how it may progress through your feeling-healing.
And you may, and I would think you should, wrestle intensely with the notion of love: what is it, am I loved, do I feel loved, do I love? And you might struggle with this all the way through your healing. I know I have and I still am.
But overall, no matter what you see and feel the truth of yourself to be, until you’ve finished ALL of your healing, still some part of you will be existing in an unloving self-denying self-rejecting negative state. And so when you are back in this part of yourself, even if it’s very small, you’ll feel the worst of the worst. And for this state, when you are right in it, right in the worst of your bad feelings, I am writing to you. I want to try and share and appeal to you on this bottom line state as that is where your pain is, and really, that is all that matters. If you feel better and loved and even loving in other parts of yourself, well, they can take care of themselves. You can express them as you feel them. But it’s the really deep ugly stuff you don’t want to feel or accept about yourself that you will need some sort of help with, and that’s what I want to do. To say to you, yes, in my small way, possibly I know something of how you’re feeling. To be possibly something of a small friend in your time of need, during your worst feelings about yourself. To be able to say to you: I understand.
So that’s why I’m trying to go for it, to not hold back, to not try and soften the blow. To push the truth up into your face. I don’t want to try and sweet talk it to you, saying: oh you do love yourself and your family and parents and they do love you, you did have some good times together. And so you may feel (within the context of the negative) loved by them and do love them, but still the fact remains that somewhere within you you’ll still be feeling bad, and it’s this pain that needs attention from you, needing to be brought out. And it’s in that pain I hope to meet you. I can’t be there in person but perhaps I can in ’spirit’, empathising with you and all you are suffering. I can’t of course know exactly what you are feeling or how bad you do feel in your suffering and misery, but I do know how bad I’ve felt in mine.
And it’s all because it is all about your negative state, and until that’s all healed, so what if you feel loved, when some part of you is feeling rejected, unwanted, unhappy and unloved. It’s the bad stuff we all want to get rid of.
So do we feel loved or not? And that is something you will have to work out for yourself through your healing. I have worked it out for myself but I am not you. I am only writing about me – how I see and feel about things. As to whether you’ll end up agreeing with me I can’t say. And it’s not for me to say.
And within our negative states, yes of course we feel ‘loved’. I loved my little cat and she made me feel loved. I love Marion and she makes me feel loved. And on my good days I feel good – even really good. And I feel loved and loving. However, I still know that whilst I have repressed childhood yuk within me, it’s still all within this context, and so is only relative to all I have experienced so far in my negative life. So all I call my feelings of love are still being conditioned and tainted by my self- and feeling-denial state. As to what love might feel like when I am fully healed, I have no idea. I can’t even begin to speculate on it. However, I do look forward to seeing what it’s like – what it feels like.
