I Goolge childhood repression and it says, what to you mean: childhood depression? Is childhood repression so unrecognised that it doesn’t even rate on Google in its own right? And then all I get (apart from my stuff) is a lovely big smiley face at childhoodrepression.com, which about says it all. We just want to cover it all up, as we have always done, with a lovely big bright cheerful smiling face. And by being so bright and happy all our bad feelings will just go away.
So what’s going on? It is all happening in secret and I don’t know about it? If so, will someone please tell me. Alice Miller has been writing about it for years. What are all the people who go to university studying psychology learning about? Why aren’t we honing in on the most important part of ourselves, the part that explains all our suffering and self-denial?
I went to university and learnt about rocks. A fat lot of good it did me. I went out into the work force not following up on my university degree only to discover that I was really a very unhappy and scared person (perhaps I should have stuck to fossils); that I was a mess. I was told by one of my employers that I was depressed, having never considered myself in that light. My employer said he knew I was as he too was depressed on and off and could recognise it in me. He killed himself some years later.
I wanted to know why I was so fucked, and why I couldn’t make my life work how I wanted it to.
I went down a rather unorthodox spiritual path trying to work out what was true and what was crap. And that led me to the last people in the world (being not even of this world!) I thought would help me – Mary Magdalene and Jesus. I found I could speak with them – if indeed it is them. Then I met Marion. And then she and the voices in my head started telling me about childhood repression and how to heal it.
It was all knew to me, but it all made sense. It was hard to accept that my relationship with my parents and family were not as I believed they were, being in fact completely unloving instead of loving. Yet as Marion pointed out, my actions with them and theirs with me, showed loud and clear that it was all make-believe, that was, provided I wanted to see it. Which I did. I had no where else to go.
At the time Marion came into my life, I’d tried all I could to make myself feel better. I was going downhill and I didn’t want to resort to drugs, I’d given them up through my spiritual pursuits, pursuits I believed were supposed to make me feel good, not bad. And not, really bad.
My personal relationships were failing. I believed I was in love with a pretty young girl: she was going to solve all my problems; she was going to love me; she was going to make every thing better. Only trouble was, she was wanting to be with someone else, someone she married.
I felt so demented, so confused, and all I had was Marion helping me speak up about all I was feeling as I tried to find the truth of such feelings. And the amazing part was, the truth came. It actually did! And it – as truth does – made sense. I’d never experienced anything like it before. And it instantly made me know that all the other self-help stuff I had done, and all the spiritual stuff (before I ‘met’ Mary and Jesus) I had learnt and believed had helped me, was just mind-junk – so I dumped the lot of it. Truth was what I wanted. It was hard to get, it was horrendous trying to bring up my repressed bad feelings, endlessly feeling bad, trying to speak about them to Marion, all while I longed and longed and longed and longed to know the truth of why I was feeling so bad.
But slowly the truth kept coming. The ‘process’ was working. And Mary and Jesus and my other spirit friends were filling me in on it from their point of view, on a more spiritual level, while Marion and I slogged our way through it at ground level.
And one of those things my spirit friends helped me see was how we – humanity – live denying ourselves our feelings, being caught up in a negative condition of mind and will. I certainly was. And I only have to listen to our neighbours with their young children, which reminds me of my parents with me, to know it’s true, it’s all so negative and unloving, even when it’s said to be positive and loving.
And now the only thing I think worthwhile in life to do is heal my childhood repression, because until I do, I will never be fully happy, nor will I ever be rid of all my fear.
Now before I go, Mary and Jesus (Mary Magdalene being the soul-mate of Jesus and so his absolute equal) have told me that really our greatest problem is our denial of the Feminine Aspect of Truth and God. And I know a lot of people know this, but what it really means is that until we decide personally and impersonally to move into the realm of feminine truth, and so that basically includes the relationship of the child with its mother (with both its parents), then we’ll never get anywhere.
And the more I want to get somewhere in my childhood repression healing by doing my feeling-healing, the more I realise it’s Marion, how she sees and feels things – the feminine, that I need. And so as we mostly deny the feminine in our culture, women knowing all about that, I guess it’s going to be a long time before we uncover the missing truth – that of our feeling denial, feelings usually being attributed more to women.
Yet as I have discovered, low and behold – men have them too! And as I progress in my healing, liberating my feelings and allowing the more ‘feminine’ part of myself to have its say, I feel a million percent better about myself and my life… that being on my good days, mind you, when I’m having a reprieve from yet more bad feelings surfacing.
So I wonder if one day, when someone Google’s childhood repression, it will be filled with all sorts of things to do with it.
And I guess the mere mention of spirits such as Jesus and Mary speaking to me, or to anyone for that matter, will put some people off all that I am saying, but it’s going to take each person to think outside the box if they are going to successfully come to terms with their childhood repression.
Oh yes, and if you would like to read something about what Mary and Jesus say regarding childhood repression, you can go to my blog Divine Love Spirituality.
