She looks so worried, what could be wrong, he thought to himself, she looked okay the other day, but now… And instead of asking her what is wrong, he asks: “how about a cuppa?”
And she thinks to herself: oh god I feel so bad, I can’t think, I just want to cry, it’s all too much, I wish I could tell someone, but I can’t tell him, I don’t want to upset him, so replies, “yeah, thanks, that would be nice”.
And on they go making pleasant conversation about what they are going to do on the weekend. There’s a party on they’ve both been invited to, something that appeals to both of them to ‘take their minds off their problems’ – off their bad feelings.
He can’t ask what’s wrong, and she can’t say what’s wrong.
Even if he could ask, she’d probably say: “nothing, I’m fine, nothing’s wrong”. And he won’t push it saying, “that’s bullshit, now out with it”, forcing her to speak up and express her bad feelings. He doesn’t want to upset her, he doesn’t want to make it worse if there is something wrong. And besides, it can’t be too bad, he muses to himself, because if it were, she would tell me.
It’s so simple to ask what’s wrong, and yet so few people do it. Or if they do, it’s only a token asking, that which they believe is expected of them. I don’t ask, I’d rather not know, because then I’d feel I would have to deal with the problem and make it go away; I’d be called upon to make it all better, and I wouldn’t know how to. Then I’d just feel stupid, inadequate; I wouldn’t be the man who can take care of everything, the man granny told me I was supposed to be.
And she doesn’t want to be a burden on him or anyone, because if she is, then he won’t like her. She has to be strong and play her role; she has to take it and keep her feelings under control. She’s not allowed to speak up about how bad she’s feeling for fear of being called irrational, a stupid woman, too emotional, just as her father patronisingly accused her of being.
So they continue to live in a fantasy world, neither being able to say what they really feel. They live for the future, making plans, clinging onto dreams, all while the moment, the now, the present, the what-their-relationship-is-really-all-about, slips by. They don’t relate truly and honestly with each other. Huge unseen and definitely unspoken barriers exist. They come together in an illusionary world, one they both wish they could live in, and steadfastly believe they are in. And for the time being they can get away with it. But one day that will end. One day the pressure will become too great, and they will have to run away from each other, or face the truth, and actually speak to one another about how bad they are feeling. And what a terrible thing that would be – to actually share something of themselves, to actually get to know each other a little.
What’s wrong – tell me, I want to know. Isn’t that what the basis of any loving and true relationship should be about? One in which each person does actually and genuinely care about and want to get to know the other person?
And yet why can’t we ask: What’s wrong?
And why we can’t is because it was never asked of us when we were young, so we can’t ask. Or if it was asked, it wasn’t asked in a kind and sympathetic really-wanting-to-know-what-is-wrong, way. So often in exasperation my parents would ask me, “Oh NOW what’s wrong?” And they didn’t want to know. They didn’t care. They didn’t want to listen. Because then they might have had to do something, something they didn’t want to do. And they might have had to even change how they were treating me, change themselves – oh god forbid, that is not what life is all about! Not change, that is the big, NO, NO, it’s too scary to change, especially when you have it all worked out and things are running along according to plan.
So, please tell me: what is wrong, I do really want to know?
And you know, you can ask that question and then just listen. They can tell you what is wrong, how bad they are feeling and why, and you DON’T have to do anything. You don’t have to be the saviour; you don’t have to make them all better. You don’t have to be the magic-fairy waving your wand making all the bad things go away and stop happening. You don’t have to do anything other than just listen and empathise with the person. Just be with them. LISTEN. And encourage them to keep speaking by asking them more questions; but gently, not taking over and demanding they EXPRESS THEIR BAD FEELINGS!
What should be the basis of a true loving relationship? This being something I didn’t know. Sure I had heard about it, and intellectually it sounded good, I even vowed I was going to do it, but I didn’t. When I really got down to it, I failed miserably at it. And it wasn’t sex! And what is it? Simply, to just agree to speak about EVERY good and bad thought and feeling – ESPICIALLY FEELING – that you both have. Yet as I said, I was, and still am, hopeless at it. Marion still needs to encourage me. She’s been my feeling-expressing coach. And as I am so thick, I still can’t do it fully for myself. I need her to keep reminding, prompting and helping me. I am just too shut off and removed from my bad feelings that I believe I don’t feel bad. She can see that I’m feeling bad way before I can, so she asks me: “What’s wrong?”, and I reply, “Nothing.” And then the hard work starts. Then it’s time for me to get on with my feeling-healing. Yet more bad feelings to try and bring up within me…
