God hates me

Why does God make all the bad things happen to me? Why does God make me have such a shit life? Why does God hate me? Other people have a good like, but I don’t – and why not? What’s so wrong with me? What did I do? Why does God take it all out on me? Why do I have to be punished so much? It’s so unfair. I don’t want to always be feeling bad. I want to feel good and enjoy my life. So why can’t I? Why won’t You give me a good life God? Why do You hate me?

Why do I feel that God hates me? I don’t actually know if God does hate me – it’s just what I feel. But are my feelings real and true? I don’t know because I’m not real and true.

From what I understand, when we are little it’s our parents who are god. Our parents are everything. Nothing else exists other than them. We ‘absorb’ all we need from them (and other influential ‘carers’). Our mind and feeling systems aren’t developed enough to include anyone else. Then we grow up seeing the world through their eyes, with our patterns of belief and behaviour having been formed around how our parents ‘parented’ – treated – us.

So we grow up feeling like and believing we’ve grown up to become a unique individual, which of course from our personality perspective we can be nothing else, but when we do our feeling-healing working our way through our childhood repression, we soon see just how much of what we thought was our own unique individuality is from our parents, how much we’ve simply adopted from them making it ours.

And so it is with God. Our relationship with God actually begins with our relationship with our parents. So if we feel hated by our parents we’ll feel hated by God. If we feel loved by our parents we’ll feel loved by God. And then on top of this truth comes all the other yuk – the wrong beliefs, fears, negative behaviours and patterns, making the truth of our relationship with God and our parents very difficult to find.  We might, for example, feel we love God and that God loves us, but this may only be a self-imposed belief (the same as believing our parents love us and we love them) and not something based on true life experience.  It might be something we desperately want to believe to be true, yet without any experiential foundation to substantiate such belief, how can we know if we’re simply not lying to ourselves.

All I am presenting about childhood repression and using what I call Feeling-Healing to heal it, is based on the idea of using your bad feelings to go deep into yourself to find out the truth of what really is going on within you – what really you are feeling.

And so when you come to hating and having to express all your bad feelings about God, all I want you to understand is that it’s not really about God, it is, as it always is, all about your feelings. So you can use your hatred of God to help you look deeper into your relationship with your parents, to see your hatred of them. And conversely, as you uncover your hatred of your parents, so too might you uncover your hatred of God, seeing what your relationship with God is really based on.

We’ve had it pushed down out throats until we’re gagging on it that God loves us, and yet we only have to look at ourselves and our lives to wonder, if this is so, then were is all this love. For if it were so, surely we’d feel it and be living a life of complete joy and happiness. However the truth is God may love us as it is said, but truly we’ll never be able to feel this for certain until we’ve first healed all our unloving feelings we feel from our parents. All the pain and suffering caused us by our parents is blocking any true relationship we can have with God. Of course we can believe we love God and that God loves us, and we can swoon with the love of God as it fills our soul and courses through our veins as some people seem to experience, but this is still all based on beliefs from our early childhood, often our offsetting all the pain, hatred and rejection we felt from our parents by looking to God to be our great loving better and ‘new’ parents.  But it’s all a fantasy, just as is all the so-called mind generated love we feel for and from God. It’s all unreal as will be shown to you as you work your way through your childhood repression healing.

We can’t have a true relationship with God until we are having a true relationship with ourselves. And we can’t have a true relationship with ourself until we have a true relationship with our parents. And as we can’t go back and start again with our parents being unconditionally loving, all-accepting and no longer of a negative state of being, we can only, through our feeling-healing, heal them ‘within’ us.  We can only seek to perfect all their imperfect legacy, that which we’ve taken on from them. And whilst we’re in and of a negative state of mind and will, the truth of this legacy will all be about how unloved we feel by our parents and how much we hate them for it.

When all your hidden suppressed bad feelings have been brought to light, when you’ve uncovered the whole truth of your negative state, then you will be free to enter into a true relationship with God (and with everyone else for that matter), being able to truly feel from your heart and without any mind and belief interference what true love feels like. Then you will finally be free of your early parenting restrictions and limitations. Then you will be fully the true and unique adult and child of God that you are.

What Jesus didn’t say…

Or perhaps he did, but we didn’t record it because it was just too close to the bone, was that the real evil monster is our parents.

Sure on a spiritual and personality level, the Rebellion and Default against all that was good, true and perfect – ourselves – was brought about and then inflicted on us by higher unseen spirits, however that was long ago. And as Jesus said, he came to stop such spirits evil influence over us, which he did.

So then for two thousand years we’ve persisted in fantasising about some strange malevolent influence that’s seeking our souls destruction, but it’s all fantasy. What truly has happened is we’ve taken on this negative spiritual influence and made it what we call normal life. And how we live in our rebellious feeling-denial state brought about by what caused our childhood repression is the end result. And how we pass it onto our children is by default. And generation after generation we live on believing we are parenting our children lovingly, when in fact all we are doing is subjecting and indoctrinating them to the same negative evil self-denying condition we were subjected to. And we call this normal life. We fail to see that it’s abnormal because we don’t have anything to put it up against. So we just try to get on and ‘make the most of it’.

So we’ve built up huge religions all in the name of perpetuating the evil. The religions and all involved within it are Satan’s good little helpers without even knowing it. We are all Satan’s good little helpers without even knowing it.

And these so-called great religions, great because they are doing such a terrific job at maintaining the control of evil, of the negative, over us and within us, do all these wonderful things for their faithful followers. They help them to keep living in a feeling- and self-deluded way. All under the guise of ’saving ones soul’, when the truth of how to really save your soul is to face the truth of what your parents did to you, how they treated you to bring about your childhood repression.

And you can only do this by stopping the denial of all those bad feelings you don’t want to feel. Which really means by giving up, giving in, allowing the dreaded ‘devil’ – your parents – to get you. (Which is after all what has already happened.) That is to allow yourself to feel all they have made you feel, to speak about it all and to uncover the truth within you as to why they did it and how it’s affected you. To heal your negative condition.

Just keep on praying

Pray it away, get rid of those bad feelings, that’s what you’ve got to do. That’s what you’ve been taught, that’s what you believe is best for you. And at all costs, don’t to the opposite and accept them, allowing yourself to feel bad so you can face the truth of why you do.

No way, that would be terrible, no, you have to keep up your faith, hold firm to your belief, and never stop praying.

If you stop doing it then all hell will break loose. If you stop doing it then you will feel vulnerable. If you stop doing it then you’ll be at the mercy of the Evil One – Satin, the DEVIL! And we can’t have that now, can we?

But why do you fear the Devil, evil, and all that it makes you feel? Why are you so scared? Other people aren’t scared of evil or of the Devil as you are?

But no, you can’t allow any cracks in your armour, you’ve got to keep up the good work – religiously keep praying. You have to show, to the Devil, that you are the ‘holy’ one, that your heart is pure, all so it will know to leave you alone. Prayer is your shield, keep it up at all times!

And yet it’s all a bit late for that. You are already of a negative mind and will state, and so you are already self- and feeling-denying and so living in an evil state of being. Evil has already got you – you are already it. And as you no doubt know: evil is the denial of truth. The ‘Devil’ wants to destroy all that is true, pure and good. And yet you are already denying yourself, your true self being that which is true, pure and perfect – so aren’t you your own devil? And you started denying yourself at conception. So you’re not only fighting a loosing battle, but the battle is well and truly over – and you lost. No amount of prayer is going to ’save’ you.

But you are still fighting, you cannot stop fighting. The Devil is still ‘real’. So who is it that you’re still really fighting? The Devil already has you as seen by your self-denying negative state of mind and will, showing up in your childhood repression, so why fight on?

And who you are fighting, and will forever fight against (until you do your feeling- or soul-healing), is your parents – fighting against all they did to you, how they treated you during your forming years. And because of this, one can only deduce that it’s not actually the Devil you are fighting but your very own PATENTS as they are true EVIL ONES.

The devil doesn’t exist, it’s only something made up by those people who can’t face the truth that it’s really their own parents they are desperately scared of. It’s all very convenient to say you are good and ‘out there’ is the BAD ONE. Because that was how you felt as a young child, and it was true, you were good and your parents were the bad ones. However you can’t grow up admitting this, you ‘love’ your parents and they ‘love’ you, so it has to be an unseen force, something out there that lurks unseen in the dark depths of your imagination. It can’t under any circumstances be what’s standing right in front of your face out in broad daylight – your parents.

And the sad truth is: you can’t pray your parents away.

Deluding yourself with meditation?

So you sit on your bum and meditate. For moments, minutes, hours – even days, do you meditate. And for what purpose? Enlightenment? Transcendence? Higher knowledge? Wisdom, peace, bliss? Clarity of mind, stress release, relaxation and enjoyment? Or, just to escape?

And do you look at a blank dark screen in your mind, or do you allow pictures to flow, perhaps ‘inner’ voices speak to you and you to them; or is it that you just go in and in and down or up or wherever it is you go as you move into your altered state of mind? Or is it that you say that special and secret word, make a ‘vibration’, contemplate the meaning of…

And what really are you doing it all for?

And the answer is: to make yourself feel better.

And why do you want to make yourself feel better?

Because you feel bad.

And what is it about feeling bad that you don’t like? It’s feeling BAD.

So what you are really doing is doing all you can to stop yourself from feeling bad – right?

However you are not dealing with the deep underlying problems that are making you feel bad in the first place, all the yuk from your childhood repression. Because if you were, then there’d be no way you could sit on your bum in a mind altered state. Your bad feelings would be intruding too heavily pushing you to accept, express and seek the truth of the them.

And it’s this intrusion, the intrusion on your life by feeling bad that you hate and want to get rid of. Which really is the intrusion into your life from your parents, as they are whom made you feel bad in the first place causing your childhood repression and all you want to run away from.

So really you’re out there or ‘in there’ doing all you can to block out and escape from the intrusion of your parents. And so there we have it. Do you see – it’s the Great Truth! And it’s that you are doing your mediation (or prayers), you are involved in your spiritual (or religious) practice, solely to avoid your parents, all because they and their unloving and negative influences are still very much ‘alive’ and affecting you. Because if they weren’t you’d have no repressed childhood yuk within you and you wouldn’t be feeling bad.

And so you wouldn’t need to do what you’re doing trying to feel good. Your spiritual or religious practices would be for you to seriously grow in truth, helping you uncover the truth of yourself through your feelings, and not using them to run away from your bad feelings as fast are your meditation or prayer will take you. So your spiritual or religious system wouldn’t exist as it is. And so I’m afraid to say, all that you are doing is just fantasy, helping you to further your self-indulgent negative mind and will state.

Childhood repression, religion and spirituality

All of the existing religions from East to West and spiritual systems New and Old Age based on prayer or meditation have been formed and evolved within our negative mind and will state, even if they have come into being from so-called divine revelation. So if you are involved in them, all they will help you achieve is still only within your feeling- and self-denying state. It can’t be otherwise.

And if you look at them closely you can see how all they do is help you feel better, however to feel better at the expense of your bad feelings. They all help you to further deny your bad feelings. They help you to further suppress and keep repressed all your pain and suffering, all that you experienced from your early childhood and so are still experiencing. And there’s no getting away from it.

No spiritual or religious system of the negative will help you free yourself of all evil, sin and error – it can’t. It’s of the negative, it’s not outside of and separate from it, and neither are you. And no amount of prayer or meditation, no matter what you are led to believe or want to believe, will heal you. And all that you will call ‘healing’ and feeling better about yourself and your life will be yet more self-delusion.

The worlds spiritual and religious systems are some of our most deluded systems of belief, all because they purport to enable you to become separate from all that is bad, wrong and evil. By joining them and doing as they say, you are then good, true and right, and all those who refuse to join and adhere to the ‘holy doctrine’ are evil, wrong and bad. But this is only something to give power to powerless feeling minds, as it’s all delusion. And how can it be anything other than mere fantasy when it’s all still only taking place within the negative, within all that is wrong, false and untrue!

If there were a spiritual or religious system that could truly help you it would focus on helping you to understand the state of your negative mind and will entrapment, and it would help you to heal your childhood repression through bad feeling acceptance, rather than helping you perpetuate bad feeling avoidance and denial.

The only true way to free and liberate your spirit, and to live true to yourself, nature and God, is to do your feeling- or soul-healing through the ongoing willing self-acceptance of your bad feelings – all those you are persisting in denying – together with the expression of all the bad feelings you are feeling as you long for and find the truth of them. And were you to follow this practice of self-help, self-love and self-acceptance, then it will lead you out of your negative mind and will condition and into a positive one.

And does such a spiritual or religious system exist?

Of course it does, as there has to be a way out of our negative state as there was a way into it.

And one such newly revealed spiritual and religious system is Divine Love Spirituality.

We spend zillions of dollars on trying to feel better

It’s mad really. All we do is done to keep us away from our bad feelings. That is the extent of our so-called ‘civilised progress’.

It’s said we live on an insane world, and it’s true. If we weren’t mad with our pain, suffering and bad feelings, we’ve have no need to do all that we do.

Look at your own life. The sad truth is: all you are doing in it is to escape from your bad feelings. And can you say it’s not? Can you say you do all you do to welcome and accept your bad feelings?

And who wants to feel bad – no one. No one in their right mind would want to feel bad, and yet we all feel bad, even if we are so far gone we won’t allow ourselves to acknowledge it.

But we all feel bad, somewhere inside us, we all do. And we really do, it’s true, as shown by our childhood repression. Childhood repressed feelings make us feel bad. Our childhood repression is bad. It’s not a nice loving thing, however it of itself is neither good or bad, the bad being what was done to us to bring it about within us.

Currently on the material level of dollars, the economy is dying. We’re having to keep up the fantasy for all it’s worth. We can’t just allow it to keel over and be what it is – nothing. We’ve made it all up, it’s all unreal. So many people live beyond their means believing they can be happy living with debt, believing they can escape from the pain of their bad feelings by having things they can’t afford.

We by a house with money we don’t have, but we hope we’ll have in future. It’s always the future, life will always be better in future, but why will it – why should it? We’ve only been led to believe this because when we were little we looked to the future to feel better. Our current ‘now’ moment with our parents made us feel bad, so it was always the future that was going to be better. And often it was our parents who said so.

So in no way we can just accept and live with the amount of real physical dollars we have, living within our means, because for most of us that would mean we wouldn’t have anything. And we can’t bear this thought. Because to have nothing means you don’t feel loved – or so we’ve been wrongly made to believe. You didn’t have anything with your parents making you feel unloved bring about your childhood repression, so now you must have material things to fill up this cavernous hole of despair – of feeling so alone, unwanted, unloved and uncared about.

But one day the house of cards will come crashing down. And this as we are seeing might be the beginning of that day. And if it does and the economy goes to shit, then what happens, how will we all survive?

And what will happen, something we can all count on – is PAIN. Yet what is this pain? And as much as it might be the pain of all the fear suddenly assailing you, really it is the pain, the buried pain, surfacing from your early childhood. It is the pain of feeling so unloved by your parents being manifest all about you by your failing life. The pain you’ve been refusing to face. The pain your greed and desperation by living in debt, living without anything real, living a false and fantasy life, is forcing you to feel. The very same pain of living a false and fantasy life of ‘love’ with your parents.

And is there an escape – a real way out? And what happens if once the flimsy house has completely come done with no hope of re-building, not for a very long time, then what?

There are two things you can do. One: struggle on the best you can, as mostly you have done over previous cyclic downturns, steadfastly trying to deny all your bad feelings – just as you have always done; and the other, is to go the other way, stop and begin to face the truth: that you feel bad. To accept, express and uncover the truth of all your bad feelings. To begin to acknowledge and accept your pain. To heal yourself of your self-defeating bad-feeling-denying life – to heal your childhood repression.

Parenting techniques

I am not a parent. So many people would no doubt say that I have therefore no authority to comment on parenting, as it’s all very different when you have your own child. But I don’t care about that.

At times my parents tried to use various techniques on me, some gave them more power over me, some less. They all helped to fuck me up more.

As I read the latest techniques going around I know it will be the same for those parents using them, some will feel the techniques are helping them with their children, some not, and all will be helping to further fuck up their children.

What I do want to point out is that if any sort of technique or controlling discipline is required, then the parent has already gone way too far over the line. Their child is already way too fucked up. And the parents are way too fucked up from their early childhood being in a position to even consider using such things.

The whole idea of ‘good parenting’, using endless tips and tools, endless suggestions, endless ways to try and get what you want being the parent, only reflects all I am talking about in my posts: that we don’t love our children truly, that we only parent for control and power using our children to gain it, and all because we were made to feel so powerless by our parents. It all simply reflects the negative condition we’ve all had imposed, one way or another, on us.

Perfect loving parents will have no need to use a technique. They will simply parent with their feelings. And as their feelings will be a result of their living true, then they will always do perfectly what is needed ensuring their child will only ever feel fully loved by them.

To approach parenting from the point of view of having to work out the best or better ways of doing it with your mind is doing exactly what you’re parents have forced you to do – go against your feelings using your mind to control and dominate yourself and others. And this can only be self-rejecting, unfeeling and unloving, that which you are imposing on your child.

What I want to try and show is that the problem is much larger than trying to impose a couple of good helpful parenting techniques on your child all so you can get on and achieve all you believe is good in your life, all so you can have a more ‘loving’ and ‘harmonious’ relationship with your child. However, if this is what you want, then why not. But it’s not better parenting, it will still be fucking up your child, only in a different way. It will still be only adding to the damage already done, even if it seems like on the surface things are going along a lot smoother.

I want to point out that parenting as we know it is wrong, meaning it has an adverse and unloving affect upon the child. How we do ANY of it is wrong. And it’s all wrong because we’re doing it within self-denying negative states of being. And it’s this negative condition that we have to heal, and until we do, we’ll only be forever going around in circles, forever coming up with yet more ‘better’ ways to parent.

It happens all the time

The child is the innocent one.

And yet the child gets blamed for making the parent feel bad. But it’s the parent that is making the child feel bad that causes the child to react making the parent angry.

So the innocent child, often minding it’s own business, is made to feel bad. Naturally it reacts to this only to bring more anger, criticism and unlovingness down upon itself making it feel even worse.

It’s a vicious circle, and a bad pattern to have established within you. For when it does you can’t help yourself doing things to make someone angry with you all so you can keep feeling bad. It’s such a horrible and terrible feeling of powerlessness, to know you’re doing it, and to know you can’t stop doing it. That the negative attention is all you will get, it’s all you can get, and all because it’s all you did get.

You’ve got to be a parent!

Why?

You’ve got to have kids.

Why?

Your life will feel incomplete if you don’t have kids.

Why?

You don’t know what you’re missing out on.

Really?

Everyone has children, it’s what you do.

Apparently.

It’s the great love, the love you get from your children and the love you give to them – that’s what it’s all about.

Is it?

But if you don’t have children you won’t feel fulfilled, you won’t have any purpose in life.

Oh well.

You can’t not have children – everyone does it.

So it would seem.

And if you don’t have children everything would end.

Great!

There’s something wrong with you if you don’t have children.

Hmm.

Why aren’t you having children!?

Because I want no part of the fantasy, that called – BEING A LOVING PARENT.

Using a therapist.

Although I have written that you don’t need one, that you can do all of your feeling-healing without needing such help, still I want to emphasise that if you feel you do need one, then you should follow such feelings.

So many of us are very fucked up, we’re not in a rational state of mind or emotions. And for such people I would strongly advise that they receive hands on help from trained people. They can still start to work on their feeling-healing if that is what they want, but still they may need a lot of face-to-face help from professionals.

Many people may need other structures put in place within themselves so as to deal with the onrush of bad feelings, all before they are stable and confident enough to tackle going it alone doing their feeling-healing.

What I write about therapists is not meant to be seen that I hate therapists and advise against then. That’s not true. All I want to do is point out that there can be certain limitations with them, as there are within everything that’s functional in a negative state of mind and will. And in regards to uncovering the whole truth of yourself, there will come a point when you have to go it alone, and go deep down into all of your buried repressed feelings, all so you can find the whole truth of your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your parents.

When you are in a very bad state, with so many bad feelings swirling around within you, they can all jam up or you can break down with them, or you can even pretend that you don’t feel any at all, feeling good about yourself. And for such people professional help will probably be a good, if not an essential way of starting to bring some sort of order and rationality to what’s going on. But as to what sort of therapy might be good for you, that I can’t say. Personally I’m not interested in what sort of therapies exist. Fortunately I’ve been able to do my feeling-healing without such help, although, I admit I do have my own personal ongoing therapist in Marion, that which a true friend can become. Nor am I interested in any psychological techniques because they are all mostly only designed to help you cope better within your negative state, not helping to get you out of it. And as I said, this might be what you do initially need. But when you want to start healing your negative self and feeling-denial state of mind, then you will be entering into doing your feeling or soul-healing.